outer monologue

2011-10-26T19:57:00.002-03:00

Posting to prevent deletion.
Mostly.
Typing with one hand as a broke my right hand.
Punched a wall.
Michelle's working all the time.
Gives her best to work.
We miss her.
My son is 14 months old now.
Healthy, pretty smart.
Likes hitting his head on things though.
Like father like son i guess/
I don't really hang out with anyone unless i'm getting drugs rom them, usually just weed. Can't afford much in the way of luxuries Can't hardly pay rent ad also eat.
Can't even order mdpv with someone else's money.
I know I shouldn't, but damn I miss that delicous devil-powder
It makes me want to cry o think i'll never get another bag of pure chemical in the mail again.
I've had street speed. Even at a good price, too expensive.
Plus you get to ingest 300mg of filler to get 50mg of whatever stimulant drug is in this batch.
If I had unlimited funds, i could try to replace it with cocaine.
Way too expensive, plus again aduleraed with whaever street dealers want, and it doesn't last as long as 'pv, AND the comedown is super-severe sometimes.
Ahhh well....
*sigh*
probably never be like it was again.
Still makes me sad.
I do so love torturing myself.
Well, I best be off, my cast/splint needs adjusting
Best of luck
\m/

Quick thoughts

2011-04-22T21:12:00.003-03:00

Riot Chasers.
Or maybe Chaos Chasers.

A group of people that make their way in life by looting during riots and selling off their plunder in stable areas. TVs, computers, jewelry, musical instruments("Where do you think I got this guitar that you're hearing today"), drugs, bonds, gold anything of value. They go, loot and stash, then sell off their gains. No SIN card, no medicare, no insurance.

I should learn to hot wire cars. Fuck that would be fun. Just take someones car, drive till the tank is empty, ditch it, make my way home. Or if fictionalized, sell it. Grab another, and keep moving.

More, there was another idea. Possibly the whole plot outline of some twisted tale about god knows what. Heh heh, god knows what.

God knows what?

God knows, what?

heh heh, word play is fun. I'm off to live life. Tonight is a good night. Things have been tough, and I've been irresponsible, but i think it was a good thing. In the long run, maybe even the responsible thing to do. May random find you well.
\m/

My reflection (Dirty mirror?)

2011-03-22T18:05:00.003-03:00

In the last year, I have taken probably somewhere in the neighbourhood of a hundred grams of methylenedioxypyrovalerone. I had a number of instances of malnutrition, sleep deprivation, and even near the end a little bit of delusion and paranoia. Those last two could really be a product of the first two, sleep-dep and mal-nu-trep. More like sleep debt actually.

As I became a father last August, I have a baby at home. I know, it sounds bad, but rest assured, my son is fine, no worse for the wear. In fact, by not being hungry, I was able to do without food to make sure he was fed. I stayed awake for four days straight, not for fun, because it is not fun, but so he and his mother could sleep. I would take the night feedings, then go to school or work.

My grades did suffer, but from sleep deprivation, not intoxication. The four days awake in a row ended with a test, which i believe i failed(67% i think, and 75% is a pass). My marks were high enough that my final mark hardly dropped at all, but when i got the test back, i could see clearly that my thinking was definitely altered at the time of taking the test. I remember one question that was something simple, like math, and I answered with a paragraph. Something like this;

"1+1 = Bananas are an excellent source of potassium. Found in trees, they grow in hot climates. Monkey's notoriously love bananas..."

It's not an actual quote, but it was a test about pharmaceutics, and I can't remember the actual question and answer....
blah blah blah you get the idea. Sleep deprived is no way to take a test.

I experienced heart palpitations and headaches when i took too much. Hallucinations, delusions and paranoia after a year doing it, mixing it with some other stuff (2c-x, either b or i, either way, turned a regular day into an x-files episode, but that was just that one time.... heh heh heh). I felt the fear. Cthulhu cultists everyone. Is that the mothership? She's a witch! Well, it's a battle of wills and mirrors eh!

The last time I did it, I had freebased some, and I could here voices in white-noise. Static over the baby monitor(he was in another town), running water, buzzing or humming electronics. I ended up throwing away the rest of my stash, as well as all my toys and trinkets for taking it, weighing it, storing it, selling it, encapsulating it.

I sort of wish I kept some of that stuff. I threw away my stash of other peoples prescriptions that they no longer needed. Along with my salvia, a joint (not for the weed, but because i rolled some mdpv freebase and seroquel in with it). The mdpv, well, scared me. Like when I threw salvia in the ocean or flushed mushrooms down the toilet. This time though, I'm drawn back.

I really like stimulants. The energy, the focus, the certainty. The productiveness! I liked it more when She was preggo still. I don't blame her for my problems, but seeing her get to liking it a little too much was concerning. I still struggle with bouts of paranoia, but I always have as far as I remember. I was like 9 when I had to talk to the guidance counsellor about my fear of ufos. Thank you "Fire in the Sky". It's a movie about Travis Walton, and his alleged abduction. The key thing is, at the start, it said based on a true story. That scared me as a 9 year old.

But as I was getting to; mushrooms and salvia are still scary. A little mushrooms isn't too scary, but still a little. And a lot of shrooms, or any of that salvia I had, that was scary. MDPV is scary, in that I would do a line right now and that scares me. I threw it away when i realized i couldn't remember if I had hurt Her or not. I hadn't, but the fact that I couldn't remember scared me enough to get rid of what I had secretly kept after she asked me to flush it all.

I don't want my life to end like the movie Spun does. Just kind of stops, nothing finished, nothing even really started. Just one less character.

Questions and Answers

2010-11-20T19:03:00.002-04:00

Here is a quick jotted list of questions i had for my spouse, in case I forget(valium);

Questions asked and answered;

Is Marc Bernard an ape-man? - Not exactly
Is he bigger than me? - Yes
Bigger cock or not proportional ?- I DoN'T KnoW! (evasive)
Cuz u said I was the biggest - not much of an answer given, basically "I DON'T KNOW!"
can beat me up not a big deal - Check
army; not a fan cuz Marc? - What? (Ricky DUnn, u said not army man) Well, I don't know marc wasn't in the army when i was with him he was retired (but did it MAKE him crazy?) No more than he already was....

Unasked;
Do you think the sex was unpleasant cuz you were both on speed, and didn't realize the dryness/increased longevity would make things difficult? Knowing that now, do you think things with Marc could at some point(say I die) be given another shot?
Or was it not unpleasant, just awkward? BASICALLY; WTF happened with him and you? WHEN, did you cheat on Stephane? Nah, i think it was between him and Kevin. But yah, what happened after? Did you talk to him the next day? How are you guys now? You gave him all your movies? Do you love him? He get army pension/sorry I'm a broke-ass?

Gay-Dan
Did you sleep in his bed(if so; with him? spooning?)? Kissing, like thank you kiss on the cheek(doubtful)? Hold each other close? bum touching(if so, who's)? Did he touch your tits(if so, thru shirt, bra or bare)? Crotch touches? just hand on pants or like crotch-to-crotch? How did that visit end? Talk to him after? When 'falling out' happened/why? No nudity, right?

5(or 6) guys Or 6? WTF? 1 may or may not count? May or may not have happened(don't know/remember)? Any from BHS? How many after Stephane? Sure never cheated? Anyone I know? Anyone named Steve or Bryan? No Jack either? All from Bathurst?

others
How many just got hj or bj or to give you one? Making out often include heavy petting? How many cocks you figure you've touched besides the 5-6 guys? How many seen(doesn't matter really)? How many guys have touched your vag? Tasted?
How many guys you think you went on a date/made out(or kissed)/hooked up/fooled around with?

ME
Is there anything I can do to set myself apart more so? How can I be better? Do you want to know anything about me/my past? Why do you feel the need to keep secrets from me? Do you trust me(I know, just you always ask me when I worry)?
Why aren't we having sex? Can I do something to improve the situation? Am I really the best you've ever had(i'd believe it, you seemed genuinely surprised a few times, heh heh)? The biggest(I know, size doesn't matter all that much, and mine kinda varies.... but it's ok if marc 'the monkey' bernard had a bigger wang. I still don't understand that shit...)?

YOU
Do you prefer women? ARE YOU SURE? Would you like to try that out maybe? Are you holding a grudge/punishing me(with regard to sex I mean, obviously you are in other ways 8P)? Am I stifling you(like too in your space)? Do you need some space? Why is there always some reason why you can't get comfortable with sex? When did that start? Was it when I moved in? Not long after perhaps? The summer you worked a ton and I hardly worked? Can we try to get more comfortable talking about(and hopefully having!) sex? PLEASE!!! Do you know I am jealous of thomas? I'm jealous of the camera, as you seem to be willing to do more with it than with me? I'm jealous of David, who some days seems to be more important to you than me? Are you pushing me away? WHAT'S UP WITH YOU?!?!?!?!?!

*****
End of list
So, am I crazy? IS this none of my business? Am I retarded? I don't know

Trying to reax

2010-06-04T06:56:00.004-03:00

It's like, I always figured I was pretty nervous and wound up and I worry too much, but I didn't really see something about it. I really have to try and let shit go and move on; life's too short to argue about shit that doesn't really matter in the long run.

Maybe the fact that everyone around me was getting upset talking about their landlords, and how it quite literally seems like everyone has lost their head(well, except for the one's that don't have TV maybe), and I realized; yes we're right, he did say he would fix the screen, and that the light fixture would be replaced. This sort of thing does bother me, like, if I was 45 instead of 25, he wouldn't try and push me around and scare me into leaving or just not asking for stuff. And the crazy lady at Fabricville...

Ugh

Hopefuly,
M

So, guess what, I'm gonna be a parent. (Part 2; )

2010-02-04T21:14:00.003-04:00

Well,
Things are moving along quite quickly now. Since I last posted, we heard the heartbeat of our unborn child, which was pretty cool. Healthy, 160 bpm, which is normal for a fetus. Michelle was a little stressed and even had the idea that maybe she wasn't pregnant at all, but had an ovarian tumor that made her miss her period. I pointed out there was much more going on than just the lack of menstruation. So yeah, she knew herself it was a pretty silly concern, but it was still there, nonetheless.

Last weekend I bought a car. It was my first car purchase. I'm twenty five years old, so, I'm a little late in getting around to buying a car. But, I got a pretty good deal, talked the guy down eight hundred bucks, always fun. The registration was cheaper to switch than I thought too, another bonus. Then I smoked a joint with the guy that sold me the car before I dropped him off. He was quite happy about that.

So, we drove to Bathurst this weekend to try it out. The cd player broke the first day, of course, but now I have an excuse to go buy a new fancy one! With a USB input as well as aux, so we can plug in the ipod, or even just a thumbstick. Maybe some speakers too, but I'll see how the new stereo sounds first.

We did our income tax this week too, and it looks like I should be getting a pretty penny. I hope to be able to buy a new computer, as my current laptop is over four years old, and kind of on its last leg. Don't get me wrong, it works fine and all, but it's processor and hard drive and even lack of dvd-burner are becoming annoying. You know, constantly deleting things so you can download new things, and not being able to watch something on one screen and surf the web in the other is a little bit of a hassle. Not to mention the mysterious overheat shutdowns.

I finished my first Math course of the Pharmacy Tech program today. I had a 101% average going in, I hope to maintain that if possible. But, I guess it's no biggie if I end up with a two digit average instead of three. I'm such a nerd. Also at school, we're doing a major review in Medical Science, as we our doing our midterm soon, and our second lab practical exam is tomorrow. March break is next week, so, we're kind of wrapping things up and moving things along to make sure we stay on pace.

The week that we come back after March break, the national pharmacy people are coming to the school to make sure we comply with all the requirements in order to be accredited, so after we finish our course, we just write the national exam to receive "Pharmacy Technician" certification. The teacher needed some volunteers to be in the lab just as a demonstration and to answer questions afterwards. I volunteered, because hey, it's certainly in my best interest for the course to be accredited. Also I'm a fairly knowledgeable member of the class, so, (not to toot my own horn) I would be a good representative for the class. Not the only one, but one of the better ones.

8)

And lastly, I come to my latest news. I recently ordered a research chemical, one that is very similar to ritalin, but more potent. I had thought about this for a few years, but only recently got a credit card, making it much easier to order. I may look at making that into a solution or packing some gelcaps, but it apparently is fairly unstable, so I guess I'll have to do some reading. I hope I don't run into any legal problems with this. I shouldn't as it is an unregulated substance. For now anyway.

Oh! I almost forgot! We made up a batch of pot brownies! With chocolate chips on top, mmmMMMmm, yummy! About one gram per brownie, not as good as the time my neighbour made them with hash, but still pretty excellent. The really do taste good too, like you kinda want to keep eating them, even though you shouldn't.

But yeah, having a car has been a big help for us. We can go do groceries without needing cabs, we can go through the drivethru at fast-food places, and of course, we can drive around, smoke, drink coffee, and listen to music. We got a four door, we're planning ahead. Got a car with decently low mileage as well, want it to last us a bit. Been fun driving to school, no more up at 6am to catch the bus at 7:15.

We've been shopping around for apartments too, as our current dwelling is a little ghetto, and we would prefer ground floor as well, Michelle being pregnant and already having a bad knee, we don't imagine stairs will be much fun this summer when she's about ready to pop.

Michelle has come around quite a bit. She doesn't seem scared, more excited. She's looking at all kinds of decorations and toys and furniture and blankets for babies, it's quite overwhelming really. But I'm just glad she's in better spirits.

She told the doctor she was pretty depressed, and she was prescribed a low dose of a SSRI anti-depressant. I guess it's working, but some of the side effects sort of suck. A lot. Like, for instance, reduced libido. I dunno, I assume it's the pills, because I stopped drinking like two weeks ago, and the sex kinda dried up around the same time. I'm a little concerned that there might be a connection there, but I'm doubtful. Also she's been sleeping like crazy, but that wouldn't bother me as much if she wanted to have sex when she was awake. Even a handjob would be nice.

Ok, perhaps I reveal too much now. But basically, all is well. I'm just a little whiner. We've got lots on the go, and the future is bright. I hope all is well with everyone else out there in the digiverse. May random find you well. \m/

So, guess what, I'm gonna be a parent. (Part 1; First News)

2010-01-17T12:01:00.006-04:00

Yeah, so, I know I've been out of contact for a while. Things got a little hectic with school and Michelle working and our families, mostly mine, with its problems spilling over onto us a bit.

But things went overall very well. School was good, I did well on my midterms and such. We went to Bathurst for about a week around Christmas. Michelle looked really good with her nephew, James, who was born the previous year around Christmas. I knew even then that something was up with her period-wise. Like she cramped up like she normally does, but then, never really needed anything, as there wasn't much flow. I just noticed nothing in the bathroom garbage, where normally there would be.

Then, she started getting sick. Often. Quickly. And not just in the morning.

Well, it wasn't a big surprise when we found out she was pregnant really.
We did however, immediately panic.
I mean, I always sort of figured we'd end up having kids eventually, but I hoped to be finished my course and working a steady job with health care and a pension and all of that useful stuff beforehand. Michelle, well, she didn't want to have kids in the first place really.

So, we sort of freaked out a bit, then tried to put it out of our minds. We knew there were some options of course, and we were considering them. We even had an appointment made. But, as the appointment drew near, we both felt we would prefer to continue with the pregnancy.

That's when the real shock set in. I was going to be a parent. Me, the guy that used to pride himself on his ability to consume intoxicants en masse. The guy that two years ago had almost nothing on the horizon. I suppose though, I've come quite a long way in those two years.

But yeah, so we walked around with that news in our heads for a day or two before "we" decided we should tell our parents. That's a whole post in and of itself, and I have a baby book to read and a list of things to do. Until next time, may random find you well.
\m/

No Vember Thirtieth

2009-11-30T17:44:00.004-04:00

I'm all nervous feeling and shaky. I don't know if it's too much caffeine, or not enough alcohol. I know, it sounds shady, but I was reading in my medical text today about how alcohol stops involuntary tremors. I went out at lunch, had a quick nip, then back to class. I was a little nervous at first, that I might let out a big beer-burp or something, but nothing happened. I didn't sweat profusely, if anything, I was less nervous than I generally am when I speak in class. Still though, a dangerous road, drinking at school. Drinking early in the day, on a regular basis, isn't generally a good idea, in my experience anyway.

So, in addition to my sweaty-shaky-vomitous-feverish good times, I've been a little jealous of Michelle's work colleagues again. I remembered though, that she loves me, and all that good stuff. I also elaborated a bit, realizing that if she did meet someone at work that she preferred over me, it would be awful of me to try and keep them apart for my own selfish gains. If I love her, and want her to be happy, I should really stop worrying about other guys. Other guys will always be around, and if she wants one, there's nothing I can do to stop her. And, if it made her happier than she is now, I wouldn't want to stop her. Well, ok, I'd want to, but I probably wouldn't. I probably couldn't might be more accurate. I'm all about italics tonight.

So yeah, I'm going to try and relax about that. It just makes me sad that she ends up spending 12 hours a day with some of these guys, and I see her an hour before work in the morning, at the most, and in the evening until one of us goes to sleep. Even then, at night, often one or both of us are stressed from our day, Michelle likes to rant, if she rants about her male coworkers a lot, I usually get sad. Of course, I'm always worried that we aren't having sex enough, but then I drink to try and relax or because my mouth hurts, or even hanging out with Michelle playing Mario Kart for shots, and I get sad, or worse. Then I feel bad, and unworthy, and I just cower and hide for a while. Needless to say; not very attractive. So yeah, I shoot myself in the foot too.

Oh, and for the record, my mouth hurts because I had a tooth pulled last weekend. Not just two days ago(it's Monday today), but the Saturday before that. A molar. Kinda got some dry-socket going on I think. Not too-too bad, but you know, I smoke, and I smoked the day I had it pulled, so it's not entirely unexpected. There I go again with shooting myself in the foot.

God I miss her, I'm going to go meet her at work soon. I'm going to try and just be cool and not try and get into her pants tonight. I'm going to try I say, because it's hard for me to not like, touch her or want to touch her when I look at her and stuff. I guess I probably freak out over touch too much, I don't know. Something isn't quite right on my end I think, probably why I can't quite figure it out; because it's my problem.

December tomorrow; the month of Christmas and my birthday, as well as the new year. Two weeks off of school too, and a trip to Bathurst featuring turkey and family, always fun. I need to pick up a bus pass tonight though, if I think about it. I wonder if I would have time to get one before I meet Michelle. But I digress. Later this week, my mom is staying with us for the night. She's visiting a friend nearby and wants to stop in on her way back and do some shopping. She's bringing me my old jacket, which is good, because the zipper broke on my new one. There's velcro to hold it closed, but no buttons, so, at best it's pretty breezy. Also my mason jars will be coming, time to resurrect Project Green Dragon perhaps? Lots to look forward to anyway.

Well that about wraps things up for now. May random find you well. Have a good one.
\m/

Ranting the Day Away

2009-11-07T12:17:00.003-04:00

I'm so horny I could cry, just to get some fluids out.

I masturbated yesterday, the only reason I know I went off is that my hand got all wet. I couldn't even feel it. What happened to me?

Ok, so maybe it isn't all pent-up horniness. I haven't been sleeping all that much, and I had my first week of school which involved a lot of early, long days. I have to get the bus at 7:15 to make it to school for my 8:15 class.

This is the first time I've made regular use of a public transit system, and I must say, not too shabby. I was able to get a monthly pass at the student rate of 44$, which is much better than what I would pay at 2$ a ride. And I can pretty much get anywhere I want to go in less than an hour if I check the schedule first or I am taking a route I know. And it sure beats walking when you've got a bag or two full of stuff with you, or it's cold or raining out, or you're tired.

But yeah, so I've been learning to navigate the bus system is Moncton this past week, it isn't too difficult to figure out. But, starting last Sunday night, I developed an abscess problem at my tailbone that was quite troubling. I could hardly sit normally, and was wearing a wad of toilet paper in my underwear in anticipation of its disgusting eruption. So, as you can imagine, m first day of school, Monday morning, was a little awkward. I had to slowly lower myself into a chair and shift positions often to not be in constant pain. It was a long day, having been my first day that started so early and lasted all day, with no nap or anything! Then with the butt thing, and carrying a bag full of books, and riding the bus for an hour or so, and no weed all day, I was in a pretty bad mood.

I feel bad about that, because Michelle had made me supper, and I was tired and dirty, and I had lived on coffee and cigarettes, and didn't smoke weed yet, so I wasn't hungry. Then, I was a little upset that the apartment was pretty much dirtier than when I left, and the laundry was not done. Now, I know I sound really sexist, like, "Clean my shorts woman!", but really, it was just because she had said she would and then didn't that I was upset. That, and I knew I needed to do laundry before school tomorrow, and now would have to be doing that for a while, which means keeping my pants on and going through the building to the basement a few times. Again, it isn't that this is women's work, in fact, since we've lived here, I'm the one who has done all the laundry. She did some laundry at her parents place over Thanksgiving, but so did I at my parents place the same weekend. I don't know why I'm making a big deal here, just to say that I certainly do my fair share of laundry.

But yeah, so I was pretty ungrateful about supper Monday, and I felt bad about that. I ended up lancing and draining my butt-pimple thinger, which was probably a new record for gross pimple-poppings, at least preformed by me. It required quite a bit of cleanup afterwards anyway, and I still couldn't sit comfortably that night, but by the following morning, my ass was back in business! So, Tuesday should have been better, right? But no, now I had to deal with a leaky ass-pimple, and the toilet paper at school is like wiping your ass with a receipt. And I got home later, because school goes just a little bit too late for me to make the earlier bus. I went to the liquor store to buy some tiny airplane-sized bottles to "freshen up" up my energy drink. I stopped at a newsstand to buy a magazine for Michelle that she had been unable to find at a few stores she had checked close to home. Me either for that matter. But anyway, I got home, feeling fine, a little buzzed and bearing gifts, thinking I would be much more pleasant today. But then we started talking, I asked Michelle about her day, she told me she got up at 1pm, and then I said something like "Four hours ago!" and she got pretty angry, and told me something like "Could you let me talk for one freakin' second!", which put me in a bad mood pretty quick. Then when I started to rant and complain about my day, she told me I could quit school if I wanted to.

I was quite disheartened by this; when Michelle rants about her bad day at work, I don't tell her to quite her job. I listen, agree with what's reasonable, and...

***

Work got busy. I just came back from a break. I dropped the kids off at the pool; much more satisfying today then yesterday's "wet hand dilemma". I feel pretty foolish about getting all crazy. Now I'm more worried about my homework and that fucking essay I need to write for TSD for this Friday. I need to get in contact with people in the industry I am studying to enter and ask them about the job, and what kind of person succeeds in it, and how the job market is and that sort of thing. I mean, these are things I kind of already know, but I guess I need to speak with people already working in the industry, like five of them, as sources for this essay. But I also don't need to actually cite my sources I think, it's more of an informal essay. So, I may be able to get away with not actually conducting any research, so long as it all sounds good. I don't feel good about doing it that way though, I have a feeling it would come back to bite me in the ass.

I suppose, I could just use the appointment to sort of set things up further, get her to help me with my essay, make sure it sounds good and such. She wasn't too helpful last time I was there though, she made me feel pretty nervous about the whole thing.

***

More time has passed. My thought train has been through a few different stations, and is currently en route somewhere else. I'm trying to tie up some loose ends to finish this post neatly, but really, it wouldn't be accurate if I did clean things up all tidy. Things are still complex, with lots of positives and negatives all around, and some things whose value is unclear, that may be positive or negative, depending on one's perspective. It's exciting though; trying to determine how everything fits together, and how you fit in with everything. Working to better your position, and helping those you care about better themselves.

Also, I must mention, Christmas is coming, and it's pretty fun this year. I have some extra cash, and I think I'm doing pretty well with gift choices so far, in that the recipients should be pleased. I hope I don't go too crazy with the money, as I still have some stuff I could use, and I don't care much for asking for things. But I have a hard time making large purchases for myself. I 'lent' Michelle the money for a new camera, it's not a big deal or anything, but I kinda realized; the last time I spent that much money on myself, I bought this laptop, which was like, four years ago. I guess if I count all my expenses, some concerts and trips to Bathurst and Moncton when I lived in Bathurst were probably pretty close in price.

She'll get a lot of use out of it though, like me with the laptop, and she'll take care of it too. She's had her last camera, which is basically the analog version of the digital she picked up, for years now, and has never needed to take it in for repairs or anything. It just seems a little retarded to me, that I'm kinda sad because we don't get enough naked-time together, and I buy her gifts with my loan money. It seems like I should buy me gifts to cheer myself up. I guess I did buy a couple games and a controller for the gamecube, that was like 50$. It's not like I never get anything for myself, I just feel guilty about spending money that I guess I think of as ours on me. I don't know if I could ask her to lend me money to buy myself something, not that she would refuse, but I don't know if I could assert myself like that. I have that whole inferiority complex thing going on I guess.

I guess that's why I brought up my school stuff and what I was doing, because I don't think I'm perfect by any means. In fact, I'm not surprised Michelle hasn't been to eager to hop into be with me; I've been pretty grumpy. Who wants to sleep with that? Exactly. So, yeah, I'm kinda causing my own problems as of late. Maybe more than as of late, and maybe everyone does that, not just me. But then again, luck factors in. Or seems to anyway...

So, again, I try and end this post. I say see you in the future, and may random find you well.
Then I type in the hand thing,
\m/
..and I'm done.
Have a good one.

2009-10-19T20:11:00.005-03:00

Ok, so maybe I spoke too soon.
I'm still pretty up and down, switching quickly between them.
Especially down, when I get down, that seems to hit me fast, like, within one breath fast.
Kinda like getting the wind knocked out of you I guess. But like, not so shuddery.

I got the urge to delete the blog again. That feeling of futility, like, why even bother.
Obviously I didn't do it if you're reading this. Unless you're that 'draft auto-saved' robot and you read this as I wrote it, but before I deleted my blog. I'm being a bit ridiculous I suppose.

I want to get drunk and touch myself, is that wrong?

I'm so all over the place. I've got to get up early tomorrow to go to Training and Skills Development Canada, so I can see about getting some government money to help with school, which starts in like literally, two weeks. I still have to apply for unemployment before I start school I believe, at least to get them to help with tuition and book costs. I suppose though, they could reimburse me.

I should take a break soon. I meant to take one now, but the calls are going good, and now I'm writing between calls, so, time is passing pretty well. If I start running out of things to say, or getting really hungry or something, or it starts getting late, then I'll take a break.

Am I sabotaging myself? Making sure I can't go to school or I fail at school? Why would I do such a thing? Hopefully, if I am trying to ruin myself, I will not succeed at it. Hopefully, I fail at ruining myself, because success would mean...

Ok, now I'm just being silly. Fooling around with words. Who likes puns? Who argues about semantics? Mememememememe!

Alright, well, it's getting close to 9, I imagine I'll be taking a break then. I don't know if I'll continue this post, as I'll likely be on a different thought train then. Might as well wrap this up, fairly concise. May random find you well.
\m/

2009-10-17T15:20:00.005-03:00

I've been feeling pretty happy lately. Michelle and I had a bit of a rough patch, we talked it through though. It was a little scary, but we're like better than ever now. As long as I can keep for acting too retarded, we should stay that way.

It's not like we had a big fight or anything, just I had some stuff on my mind, foolish stuff mostly, and Michelle seemed to be quite distant. Really though, she was tired, and we were both sick, and not eating well, just a bunch of little stuff piling up. We told each other how we felt, that we were a little worried that we had offended each other in some way, and that we might each lose the other, so, being that we're both pretty paranoid, we tried to not say or do too much I guess. Less said, less chance something wrong is said. Makes sense, but that doesn't make it fun.

So we're back to being relaxed and joking with each other. It's nass to make her laugh a bunch, it makes me feel like, I don't know, useful or something? Productive? That sounds a little cold.

Hey look at me, I'm not a robot after all! And to think, I used to almost take pride in my lack of emotion. Now, I'm emoting like a madman, and I must say, even though at times it can be quite intense, it is a worthwhile experience. I say "I love you" ten times a day, I take her hand almost every time she is beside me, I ask for hugs and kisses and bum touches all the time too. I start to get a little whiny when I don't get them even. Also; not so dead inside. Almost always a good thing. ;)

Please note; by emoting, I do not mean to affiliate myself with the 'emo' movement, or whatever it is if it isn't a movement. A cultural phenomenon maybe? A trend? Anyway, no crying for me, just headaches and stomach maladies, and a particularly painful form of vasocongestion. Alright, so I'm ranting a bit now, but it's sort of enjoyable, so I'll just sort of keep writing, and see what comes up.

I've been almost goofy since we straightened things out, maybe even a little before then. Has it been since we got our pot? Maybe a little before that even. Was it getting paid that eased my mind? Hard to say. Anyway, I've been almost like a stoner stereotype or something, just grinning dumbly and laughing a lot and joking around. Mayhap, I've shifted my overall mood to the positive.

As I recall reading, we all are basically bipolar, it's just a matter of degrees. What I mean by overall mood-shift, is moving from the generally negative to generally positive mood. Just how positive or negative a mood you are in is what separates 'regular' people from those with a bipolar mood disorder, formerly known as manic depression.

So I guess, in somewhat more familiar terms, I may have shifted from a generally depressive to a generally manic state-of-mind. Manic as in mania, and maniacal. 8>

Fun fun!

Actually, more accurate for me would be a shift from generally being anxious, to generally being easily excited and distractable. Almost like a light stimulant high, or even a tiny bit of mdma. I feel all talkative and energetic. I lost track of my nail clipper at some point, usually I'm quite good at remembering where I put things and that sort of thing. Thing, thing thing...

Also, I've been parroting things, like that just now. I'll hear things and repeat them right back, sometimes without even noticing myself. I might be a bit annoying to be around as of late, but I back off when asked, at least for a minute or two. Then I forget what I was doing and my hands instinctively do what they do and touch whatever is around me, which may or may not be annoying, depending on one's tastes at any given moment.

I've got some things I should do after work. Go de-pawn my guitar, pick up m'lady's prescription, maybe do some groceries. We would both enjoy a new DVD box set I believe, perhaps we will look into that later. I wouldn't mind getting some beer as well. I am again, outer monologue, just thinking 'aloud'. Gee, all this blogging sure passes the time, almost 6, when I can take another break and be left with less than two hours when I come back. I like to try and end my shift with a period of less than two hours of work, so I wait as late as I can to take my break. Well, maybe not as late as I can, sometimes my shift ends early, and if I haven't taken my paid break by then, I won't get it. Bullshit anyway. Why can't I tack a break on the end if I am owed it based on the length of my shift? We even had an incentive where you could leave one shift a half hour early paid, basically what I would be doing if I tack a break on the end. But anyway, that doesn't really matter much.

Getting hungry now. Should I try and eat on my break? It's only 15 minutes, that doesn't give me much time. Especially if I want to make a coffee and smoke some yetis and use the bathroom. Maybe I'll just eat after work then. Off tomorrow, that will be nice. Working six in a row after that, so, better enjoy it.

I guess it'll be 6:15-6:30 for my break now. I'll have even less times when I come back now.

***
6:32, back from my break. I've got quite a list of 'Do Not Calls' to add to my timesheet, so I best get started on that. Thanks for your time, have a good one. May random find you well.
\m/

Throw a little more dirt on there...

2009-10-13T21:13:00.009-03:00

So, I had this dream, where Michelle and I were making out in our bed, and I kept falling asleep on her. I woke up and apologized and tried to continue, but I kept falling asleep(in my dream this is). Seems fairly self-explanatory.

We went to Bathurst last weekend, it was a funner trip than when we went for the wedding this summer. We weren't so bored and broke and stranded...

What would it be like to be born on another planet, having never seen Earth? Would you dream of coming to Earth, to see the place where your species originated? Or would you take pride in your off-world ancestry? Would one born extraterrestrially find Earth too loud and busy, or even too full of life? Would all the plants and animals be overwhelming? I mean, if you were born on a desolate desert planet, where you can't walk outside without a totally secured environment-simulating suit complete with radiation shield and weighted boots, maybe shorts at the beach would just seem too weird for you. The ocean? Snow? Hail? Wind? A moon with phases?

What everyday things to us, might seem new, strange or exciting to those born and raised on another planet? Even a moon, or in another galaxy. Maybe the colour of our sun would seem amazing to someone born under a different 'sun'. I guess a different star would be more accurate.

"I was born, under a wanderin', wanderin' star"

Memories of childhood, my dad singing to me before bed. I still have yet to hear the original recording of that song. I don't even know who sings it. Perhaps, I will look that up now.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Wand%27rin%27_Star

Lee Marvin was probably the first person to make the song a hit, it was featured in Paint Your Wagon, both the stage and cinematic versions. My dad does enjoy the old western movies, so, it seems likely that this is where he heard the song. I guess it was a number one hit in the UK, it even kept The Beatles' famous 'Let it Be' at number two. I have yet to listen to the song, as I am presently working, and the sound would be too distracting right now. I will hopefully remember to listen to it later on.

Almost time to take a break(10:57PM), I wonder if Michelle is still awake. I still feel kinda bad about earlier. It's an inarticulate bad feeling too. Sort of guilty I guess, but I think it's closer to dread. Foreboding? That's pretty close; "a sense of impending evil or misfortune". Maybe it's just a general feeling of anxiety. I can't quite put my finger on it.

I've been noticing that more lately, like I can't quite find the right word for things. Or is it that I'm never quite satisfied with my phrasing and descriptive abilities. Do I need to expand my vocabulary? I do enjoy learning words from other languages(and writing in italics, apparently). I find it interesting to note similarities and differences between languages. In fact, if I have the time, I'll probably take some linguistics courses and courses in other languages before I'm through. For my own amusement even. This may never happen, as I'd have to have quite a bit of financial independence and free time, which seems unlikely to occur, at least in the near future.

I got a stab of anger and some sort of pain, like humiliation or jealousy. My mind wanders over certain topics, and I feel sick, like helpless and miserable. Doomed? Damn, I'm hitting quite a few spots of the emotional spectrum that I'm not used to, spots I may not want to become familiar with.

Work is getting busy now, it's after midnight, the home stretch. Last hour of my shift. Now is when I fill out my timesheets and prepare my refusal trackers to be sent in at the end of the night. Nothing too fancy. I'm done pretty early, 12:10...

I spoke too soon apparently, I'm switching projects again, go back to my timesheet, back to my timegrid, that's about it though. Not a real time consuming switching, as long as I don't switch two more times before the end of my shift or anything crazy like that. I miss Michelle. She's like two rooms away, she can probably hear me typing this right now, but still, I want to be touching her. Enough of that stuff though, I could go on and on without saying anything really.

Ugh, ok, so at about 12:30, I had to modify again. Whoop-dee-doo, why am I sharing this? outer monologue. I talk like this too, all over the place, filling in too much detail, losing my train of thought. I try to at least keep things entertaining. 8)
Have a good one,
May random find you well,
\m/

2009-10-13T07:22:00.003-03:00

I don't want to talk about it.

But I can't think about anything else right now.

I feel like crying, maybe I'll just go back to bed.

Stupid hemophiliac ego.

Nah, it's more like, damn runaway mind.

Had to use icing sugar for my coffee, no more of the regular kind. No cream, no milk, no whitener. That's ok though, I can drink coffee without whitening agents. The sugar's a little weird though. It seems like the icing sugar is less sweet by volume than standard granulated sugar. As well as I can discern anyway.

***

Time has passed.
I'm feeling a little better, not so shaky. A little edgy from coffee maybe, but better. I read some online, it's somewhat hard to find good advice online with regard to relationships. A lot of sites seem to cater to wannabe pickup artists rather than serious individuals in loving relationships. Perhaps that is my search criteria though.

I did find some useful information, but I suppose perspective is what I really gained. I worry too much about little things, like I'm programmed to worry, and if there is nothing real for me to worry about, I see connections that aren't there and find reasons to worry. I'm so neurotic.

I'm going to make some pork chops and mashed potatoes to bring to Michelle at work. I feel somewhat foolish for freaking out so much earlier. She sort of lied to me though. That bothered me, but I can see now why she did, and I feel bad for making a big deal out of it.

Part of me still wonders about things, but I don't want to pursue my curiosity too far. If something is wrong or not going to work, time will tell. Might as well enjoy the harmony while it lasts. Hopefully, it will continue to last. I don't want to sound negative about our relationship, it's good, great even. There's no indication that we're in trouble or anything. I just worry that she'll find someone better someday or something, or I'll slip into alcoholism again or drug abuse, and she won't want me anymore.

Done the potatoes, starting on the chops now. I hope she enjoys them. I hope I bread them well. We drove home yesterday with an old friend. Mutual friend even. I guess Michelle knew the fellow from high school days. She was there when he smoked pot for the first time. She certainly did not express any interest in that fellow. In fact, she expressed some distaste with regard to his attitude. I concurred.

She spent almost the whole trip listening to her ipod, not involved in the conversation. Sometimes, her silence makes me nervous, like she's thinking about things she would rather not speak of. Not speak with me anyway. I do tend to freak out often, so I can't say I blame her for not wanting to share everything with me. But I do wish she would try. I mean, I freak out, but it usually doesn't last long, and it isn't too crazy. Rather than bottling things up until they fester and eat you from the inside, finally bursting out in a terrible storm of emotion. I don't look forward to meeting up with "Hurricane Michelle".

***

Pork chops are sizzling away now, frying in the pan. Should flip them soon, and assemble a lunch for m'lady, and off to visit her. Hmmm, slightly burnt, these pork chops be. But the breading stuck to them at least, that's kind of the hard part to making these particular pork chops. Watching X-files, cooking, writing, smoking. Multi-tasking to say the least. Spoke to Michelle not long ago, she called to see if I was cooking yet.

Now the food is done, packaged up and ready to go. I am going to relax and smoke a cigarette, then call Michelle, and head out to visit her at her place of employment. Sorry if this is boring to read, not a whole lot going on. Perhaps later, while I work, I will discuss my trip to Bathurst for Thanksgiving or my school preparation issues. Maybe I should make a call about that now...

May random find you well,
\m/

Post Burial

2009-10-07T18:42:00.005-03:00

Am I drinking too much coffee?
Or smoking too much weed?
Am I not getting enough sleep?
Am I not eating well enough?

I've been acting pretty insecure lately, always wanting to be touched and needing reinforcement and such. I've been worrying about school too, the fact that it starts in less than a month, and I'm not ready to go yet.

I don't mean to say I'm not ready to get up early and cross town to go learn for eight hours and then cross town to get home, where I may or may not have to work for 7 hours or so. But rather, the funding finalities, and the acquiring of school supplies, and mapping out the bus route to school are what bother me now. With regard to school anyway.

I guess bother might be too strong a word. Or too negative. Beckon might be what I mean. What beckons me lately, not regarding school of course, is her. I want to turn myself into a blanket so I can wrap around her, touching her everywhere at once. I want her to want the same, to want to constantly be touching me everywhere. But, alas, this is not the case.

I feel like I must be bipolar and switching emotional directions, because I seem so easily frightened or discouraged, like any little setback will have me ready to give up and go hide. Is it because I drank a little alcohol a few days in a row? Is it the marijuana?

For the first time in a while, we have gone an entire week without running out of marijuana. We had to buy a fair amount to accomplish this, but as I had worked something like 17 days in a row, I felt I had earned the right to spend a little extra on us. No argument against was made, and bam, we had made a decision.

Oh, I forgot to mention, I've been sort of retarded lately. Sorry, I don't mean to offend, it's just, I've been acting like I have some sort of diminished mental faculties. Like, my jokes are lame, my thoughts have been almost animal in their baseness, and my actions are clumsy and irregular.

We did our thing today, and my rhythm was all off initially. We had fun, she had multiple funs. She half-offered, like in a you "You don't want me to..." sort of way. I right wanted her to. I feel so pervy for wanting her so much. It's like, that was fun, now, let's do it again, but dirtier. I just can't seem to get enough.

But really though, that's not a totally bad thing. It would be sort of disappointing if I was like "Oh no thank you madam, I've had my fill for today". I'm going to have to do some research with regard to sex-drive and emotional cycles, to see if something is wrong with me, like a vitamin deficiency or something equally simple to remedy.

My supervisor was just hassling me because I took too long on my unscheduled break. I took less than eight minutes to use the bathroom and return to my station. Not unreasonable in my opinion. But, I was told I should dock this from my next break. Only at call centres...

Stream of thought

2009-10-06T13:19:00.008-03:00

My head hurts.

I've been snotting for days and days.

Will this cold never end?

It probably is the swine flu.

Space. I don't know if I want space. Maybe I'm just being ridiculous.

But contact sure is nice.

It's true that I worry too much.

Damn internet, always showing me the worst case scenarios.

Ahh well, at least Trent Reznor knows what's going on.

Which is to say I'm in a Nine Inch Nails mood.

I feel sort of bad, because I need to provide some space.

The internet says that is a bad thing. I know myself I've been too, I don't know, accommodating?

But what do I do? Refuse a request from my lady love? Maybe if I just have a little more presence. I feel like I give up and give in to anything, never putting myself first. That can't be true though, alcohol has that reversing effect, where only I'm important or something. I don't know, I'm just rambling now.

I feel selfish for thinking but, sometimes I think I give more than I receive in the relationship.

I never figured myself for a good boyfriend, walking her to work and making her food and going to the store for her whenever she asks. But like, I guess I'm around too much, and I'm wearing thin probably. Even I get tired of myself, so I guess it's not entirely surprising.

***

The laptop overheated and shutdown mid-post earlier. No subtlety there. As if to say, "Quit your complaining!", the universe told me it had heard/seen/been enough by shutting my posting-power down. I guess doing a google search for "gf needs space" might not have been the best idea to inspire confidence in myself.

This cigarette tastes like getting new toys felt as a kid. The smell of the fresh plastic packaging and toys venting their dangerous chemical fumes, a memory brought back by inhaling an instantly active drug. A drug designed to stimulate the pleasure centers of the brain, made me remember the smell given off by new toys, coincidence? Is this smell added on purpose, to get kids to associate buying new things with experiencing pleasure? Not a terrible idea if your interests include ensuring the continuation of a commercial society.

Reading on websites like TFLN and FML, where ladies talk about their various triumphs and losses in the world of blow jobs, makes me wonder if my girlfriend has some kind of mental block with regard to fellatio. She seems so apprehensive, that I wonder if she isn't flat-out scared of blow jobs, or even penises altogether. Could she be a lesbian, and I'm just girly enough for her to enjoy sex with me? That's a somewhat frightening prospect. She has preformed them before, a few times. I believe with fellows she wasn't even going out with, which is kind of a slap in the face. It's like, "Oh, this guy who I just fooled around with for a few weeks, I put his cock in my mouth, but you, whose name I want to take, who's child I would not abort, I won't do that for you.". It just feels like she's holding back from me. I mean, she has never suggested anything that I didn't immediately try out. She hasn't suggested much though.

I feel bad again, for not being entirely satisfied with my current sexual situation. Like I'm being ungrateful, as this time last year, it was nothing but hand, and mine at that. I should be glad she lets me touch her at all. I do enjoy that very much. But it's like, if I ask her to rub my neck or scratch my back, she does it for 10 seconds then spaces out and continues what she was doing. We were having sex for the second time the other night, and I ran out of steam, and asked her to finish me off, and she told me "No, that would take too long", as though I hadn't used all my energy on her for longer than it would take for me to finish. That's confusing. To make it clear; I was tired because I pleasured her all through my refractory period(the time it takes to 'reload', as it were).

That ties into a previous thought of mine; perhaps I am too generous in bed with her. What I mean is, she ends up very satisfied and tired well before I do, so I often end up unsatisfied, as it's sad to satisfy myself at the point, and frankly, not that satisfying. So what am I to do then, withhold myself from her? Refuse to do things until she does the equivalent? That could leave me feeling even worse, sort of like now, where I feel like I can't touch her, and she can touch me, but usually does so only fleetingly.

I just spoke with her on my break. It made me a little sad to talk with her. We're going to Bathurst for Thanksgiving this weekend. We may have a good time, but I'm not getting my hopes up. Often, we end up stranded with nothing to smoke and nothing to do and no way to get anywhere. Also, she said see you tomorrow, like she assumes I'm not going to visit her later. Why wouldn't I, unless she doesn't want me to? Now I'm being paranoid(hopefully anyway). I did say something like "See you tomorrow" when she left for work. But I meant like, after midnight, because I work until at least 1am, not because I wouldn't see her until tomorrow morning when she gets off work. Actually, she said "See you in the morning", not "See you tomorrow", I think the distinction is important now.

I'm rambling again, but what else is new. I'm quite erratic lately, up one minute, down the next. I feel a little scattered, a little frustrated, a little exposed. Over tired maybe, makes sense I guess. I feel a bit like I'm at my wit's end. I feel guilty about writing this stuff, especially the intimate details of our sex life, but I don't really have another outlet. I could have written this on paper I suppose, but then the might find it, read it, and be offended or feel bad or something. She knows I have a blog, and I have sent her links before I think, but she doesn't check it. She gives me my space...

I've been updating this post now for almost four hours. I started it hours before that, until the computer overheated and 'passed out' on me. I've come full circle, the catharsis achieved. It is this space that allows me to vent and externalize and self-analyze. Is this the 'space' she wants? It seems so simple now, why did I freak out earlier? All she wanted was some time alone to organize her thoughts and such. She was probably too mentally congested to articulate that. Or I'm too inattentive to have understood before now. Either way, I feel a little better now. Damn google had led me to believe Michelle was essentially done with me and that she needed space to make an escape or something, not that I'm trying to 'trap' her or anything.

Well, this seems like a good place to stop posting, and go back to my regular internet browsing.
May random find you well.
-agent_of_truth
10:30PM

Of Rats and Mice

2009-09-30T15:27:00.005-03:00

The man said to his son, "Well son, you've only got one choice here really, and that is to squeal on your friends"

"But, won't they hate me for it?", asked the son sheepishly, "Won't they call me a rat?"

"They may son, they may. But, have you ever heard that rats will survive an atomic blast? They are survivours my son. They are lean and hungry, but cunning. Your friends, mice mostly, will fall into traps and get caught by predators, while you survive."

"I don't understand,", said the son, "What traps? What predators? What do you mean?"

"The trappings of society of course, and the predators with authority. Your friends may think it strong or brave to band together against the world, but it is foolish. You cannot fight the system from without. Your best bet is to try and outlast the system, as it collapses around you. The laws and lawmen will seem increasingly frightening and hostile, but you must learn to respect them, at least publicly. In time, the old will die, and make way for the new. If you are in the right position when that happens, you can help to shape the new world that emerges from the ashes of this one."

"As a rat, I am supposed to maneuver myself to be close to those that will take power then?"

"Almost. You must be observant. You may want to hide, in a place that will likely remain untouched by the hands of revolution. Like a rat's nest; hidden from sight, but always close enough to access if necessary."

"What does this have to do with my friends? Why then, should I rat them out? Wouldn't it stand to reason that more rats would have more of a chance of...."

"No,", his father interrupted, "You will have more chance to be betrayed. If it comes to a choice of them or you, your friends will choose themselves every time. The more you are known, the more you can be exposed."

"So, I must betray them first then?"

"Keep your friends close, and your enemies even closer"

Rant while you work

2009-09-15T21:30:00.007-03:00

I feel like writing, but I don't know what to write about. I guess really, I feel more like reading. I'm working again, this makes it nine days straight, so I can't really read a book. The websites I frequent for short reads, Fmylife and text from last night, are updated too slowly for my current work-binge. I have read the whole sites I believe. Every text, every fmylife. I stop by givesmehope now and then, but it just doesn't hold my interest like fmylife or text from last night. Does it make me a bad person to prefer reading about life's little fuck ups over life's unexpected good fortunes?

I wonder what the psychology grad students are theorizing about fmylife as a cultural phenomenon. What kind of indicator is it? I know I have started hearing about world events from txt from last night. For real; I heard about the VMAs (sort of) through tfln, and even Patrick Swayze's death, and Kanye's outburst at said award show. This may not be the most important news of the day, but still, it's where I heard it first. Mind you, I don't have cable, so I don't get much information from the tv anymore, but certainly i am not alone. My generation, that refuses to pay for music, is likely switching more and more to streaming and downloading their television programs rather than enduring the commercials and volume changes and censoring so annoyingly present on network television.

What was I going to say? I though I had an idea worth sharing, but I can't seem to recall what it was. Dang work, always getting in the way of my slacking off! The calls, they just never stop. One after the other, I must be dreaming about ringing phones these days.

It will be nice to work in the health sector as opposed to the market research/phone jockey crap I do now. Don't get me wrong, it's better than some work, but it's hard to do more than get by doing this. I can't imagine trying to raise a family on my wage.

Talking to people on the phones, asking how many hours per week people are working, I've come to notice that people work too much. 60 hours, 80 hours or even 100 hours a week spent working is more and more often the norm. It's like we're working so much we hardly have time to enjoy our lives. We spend money for convenience, because we've got work to do and things to take care of before that, and only so many hours in a day, let alone business hours. So we buy what's close, what's easy, and we pay out the ass for it. Then we work more, to try and get ahead, but now we can't make the grocery store, so we have to buy our food at whatever store is open after 1am. So, now we're dealing with less selection, buying food we don't really want, so we can work more shifts we don't want to, at our job we don't really like, so we can pay our bills, so we don't get kicked out of our shitty apartments or lose our crappy cars. Our health suffers as we don't eat well and we lose sleep trying to get ahead. This costs us more money, as we lose time from work and need medications. So we work more to make up, which means less relaxing, less sleep, and less quality time with loved ones. Our health suffers, mentally and physically.

Anyway, no one wants to hear someone else complain about work. Things are pretty good in a lot of other ways, just the whole monetary system kind of gets me down. You know, how it's designed to create inflation and scarcity to increase profits forever, to benefit those with power and at the cost of those without. But, what are you going to do, move off the grid? Live in a shack in the woods? Come on, you know you want sneakers and goretex and teflon and penicillin, you can't just up and quit, right?

...Right?

Not much, you?

2009-09-13T15:25:00.004-03:00

Working lots. Everyday for a week now. Put in extra hours yesterday, probably again today. As long as my shifts for the next few days aren't cut, I should be making some overtime on my next check. Which is good, because it will be coming conveniently on the first of the month. And we still have to pay our damage deposit, so yeah, it's a good time to work a lot.

I've still got to make my way to Training and Skills Development Canada, as well as Employment Insurance, in the near future. I need to see them to finalize my student loan before class starts in November. I'm a little nervous now thinking about it, as it's getting to be pretty close in the temporal sense, and I don't have all my necessary plans laid out. I haven't studied the bus route to determine how I will get to school yet. I haven't told work yet that I'll be going to school, so I'm not sure if I'll be keeping my job with reduced hours, or quitting to go to school, or if I'll get 'laid off for the season'. I haven't looked at the stuff from the school in months, I don't know if there are other things I should be doing or taking care of. I think I just basically have to arrange the money situation and buy my school supplies. I don't know where you buy lab coats or hospital scrubs really. Actually, as I recall, there is a local supplier listed with the required supplies. Also, my mom, working in a hospital lab, definitely knows where to get scrubs and lab coats. She even pointed out a scrub shop in North Tetagouche not long ago, now that I think about it. I always thought they sold like sports equipment to the local teams.

Ok, so, I might have freaked out a bit for nothing. I still have a good month and a half, and I'm planning to go to TSD this week some time. I guess EI doesn't take as long when you aren't accusing your former employer of criminal activity as well, so, that might be on the go in only two weeks. Still, I'll try and get a move on with it.

Besides that stuff, we're doing pretty good. Not spending a whole lot of quality time together, but it's good when we do. Playing Paper Mario and the Thousand Year Door again, that's fun. Michelle is playing through for the first time, I'm just doing side quests and stuff on my old save game. We're a little short on funds, as usual, but we have food for a few days yet. We bought back one of my guitars, or picked it up at the pawn shop, whatever you want to call that. It was still mine there, in the back room or whatever, not for sale. It hadn't been forfeited I guess you say. Nice to have it back anyway. Though, I haven't had a chance to play it yet with all the working. After my shift today, I don't work until 6pm tomorrow, so I'll have some time to hopefully play some guitar, and watch a movie with Michelle before work. If we don't end up playing Paper Mario all day that is.

We've got a few things to look forward to down the road. We might go see Louis CK when he comes to town this month. Depends how we're doing. Jon Lajoie got pushed back to January, which is alright, something to do then that isn't ass-cold. Going to Bathurst for a family visit at the start of next month if all goes according to plans. I don't know, I could go either way on this. I like visiting, but I don't like not being able to work, as well as spending money that could be used to buy a new tv or dvd player that Michelle has expressed an interest in acquiring. Don't get me wrong, I want them too, I just don't want to be disappointed if we don't get them maybe? Maybe I know I'd rather watch our old tv with the knobs and no remote and go visit the family and go out to do things and have a drink or eight now and then. I guess Michelle just knows better what's important. That last sentence looks like, Yoda-speak or phrased Frenchly. Oh well, *shrug*.

There are some things we didn't buy this week, laundry stuff and kitchen stuff mostly. We'll have to try and get them soon, but we're not suffering or anything. We still have clean clothes, and we can wash dishes as we need them. We're not down to our underwear eating out of cans with our hands, yet anyway. And would it be so horrible to be trapped semi-nude with one's girlfriend? I think not.

Well, things to do, calls to take, you know how it is. Have a good one, and may random find you well.
\m/

2009-09-06T13:18:00.004-03:00

Back online, after two weeks bumming around. We moved in Wednesday night, and got our stuff here Thursday afternoon. We slept on an air mattress the first night at the new apartment, the same air mattress we had been using for a week. I must say, it is nice to not have to re-inflate my bed every few hours. You know, a cushion of air sounds like it'd be comfortable...

Start working again tomorrow, sort of looking forward to that. I'm looking forward to the money anyway. We've got a bigger place now than we had, for only 15$ more a month. We have to pay for our laundry though, but it's a pretty good trade off. We also don't have a washer and dryer clogging up the kitchen.

Our finances aren't great, but they're by no means dire. We aren't couch surfing anymore, so that's definitely a plus. Michelle gets paid again Thursday as well, so we should be alright.

I did a lot of the actual moving of stuff around for this relocation, but it's alright with me, as Michelle has a bad knee, she was dealing with a bad toe infection, and I didn't work for over a week. I'm just doing what I can I suppose.

Not too much to report right now. My brain is still sort of in autopilot mode, just making sure everything gets done as opposed to taking my time and enjoying the ride. Hopefully, I'll be more pensive in a few days.

May random find you well.
\m/

Record of bupropion first use

2009-08-11T23:15:00.008-03:00

11:15PM;
I just took half of an extended release Wellbutrin. Half of 150mg is 75mg. This is my first experience with this drug, and as such, I am keeping it low and slow. Low doses, slow increases. I probably won't consider taking the other half until at least 1AM. This drug, used for smoking cessation, anti-depression and off-label for ADD/ADHD, is supposed to have stimulant like effects. Also, it is supposed to make cigarettes less enjoyable. I better go smoke one now.

11:30PM;
Felt I should mention I drank two coffees in the last two hours and am having a tea now. I'm out of coffee, that's why I switched to tea. I'm a little nervous and excited, sort of like trying a new food, except there's a chance the food might give you a seizure. Wellbutrin lowers the seizure threshold, making it easier for your brain to fall into a feedback loop. I have some antihistamines(lortadine) and some Seroquel to bring me down should I feel the need. I'm going to go watch some Samurai Jack while I wait for the drug to take effect.

12:00AM;
Vision seems clearer, sharper perhaps. Am I more focused? Bit of a headache, but that's been around for a few days now. Took an ibuprofen. Not too concerned with the possibility of a seizure now. Feeling a little drowsy, like I could lay down and sleep. Best not test that though, as I would like to visit with Michelle before I sleep. I will try and roll up another smoke to see if it is unsatisfying, as indicated in the literature for Wellbutrin.

12:20AM;
My head feels a little thick now, almost like it's full of water. I'm still quite focused and my vision is sharp. My eyes aren't noticeably dilated or constricted.

12:36AM;
Just spoke with Michelle, she gave me a call. Going to visit her at work in a few minutes. Feeling pretty good. I experienced some abdominal discomfort earlier, but they may have been the coffee, tea and ibuprofen as well. Michelle did not comment that I sounded inebriated or anything. I am going to bring my travel cup to get a coffee from her when I go. I will likely take the rest of the Wellbutrin when I get home. Should be around 1:30AM, maybe 2:00AM.

1:45AM;
Got back from my visit with Michelle. Feeling good. Took the second half moments ago. It was slightly smaller than the first, maybe 80mg and 70mg instead of 75 each. I may end up breaking another pill apart to try it via insufflation. I was pacing around a bit when I went to see her, as she pointed out when I mentioned eating the half pill earlier. Cigarettes do not seem to be greatly diminished, although I understand the dosage may be higher for the nicotine blocking effect to occur. I don't think I will require any come-down pills, but truly it is too early to tell. I found myself punding a bit, looking too hard for cigarette butts to get their tobacco. Definite dopamine activity. Ten minutes after eating the second half of the pill now, my stomach feels a little full, possibly due to the coffee or peanut butter cookie I consumed beforehand. Haven't been grinding my teeth, but I was chewing gum quite vigorously earlier. 2:00AM now, going to watch some more Samurai Jack, and maybe listen to some music, or maybe even play some. Not too loud though, it is 2AM after all.

3:00AM;
I haven't read or watched any Samurai Jack. I've been watching Jon Lajoie videos, and thinking about checking out his live show next month when he comes to town. Still feel pretty good, pretty alert. My stomach feels better too.

3:10am;
Just insufflated a quarter pill. Burns somewhat, not as much as amitriptyline, but more than say, serax or ritalin. Another quarter remains all busted up beside me. I may just eat it. Ok, I just ate it, and let me tell you, pretty gross. Keep that shit pretty much intact I'd say. That was the first line I've had in at least 8 months, it was before Christmas the last time I sniffed anything. I don't see it becoming a habit again. Too burny. My mouth is quite numb, interesting to note. So, after this last half, I should be up around 225mg. Hopefully, I won't have a seizure or anything too crazy. I'm going to have a cigarette to see if it has a diminished quality about it. First I need a candy though, this tastes horrible.

3:25AM;
Cigarettes seem to be pretty tasty still. My mind feels like it's gone quiet. I read somewhere that you don't think much on Wellbutrin, just absorb information. I think I know what they mean now. Even now, as I type this out, it seems to only occur as I type it, not in my head beforehand. It is a little strange. I'm going to try and relax a bit, possibly give Michelle a call, see what she's up to. Maybe I will go outside, get some fresh air.

5:13AM;
Ok, so, no seizures, and I've been basically reading online for hours. I spoke with Michelle, but we were both pretty distracted, so not much was said. I went outside, nothing special going on there. Music is good, but right now, I'm finding myself easily reading for long periods of time, that seems to be my main interest. I will likely still be up to go get Michelle at 7:00AM when she's done work. I don't know if I'll take a lortadine later yet. I guess basically, the experiment was a success. I now have some idea what to expect from this drug. I will update in the coming days if anything else worthy of note occurs to me.

In the meantime; may random find you well.
\m/

UPDATE;
I found myself quite silent throughout the night, and somewhat short. I was upset fairly easily, although I basically just stopped talking what little I was. The drug may lead to some irritability, but that could just be lack of sleep and money. May use again in future, not highly recreational.

7:22PM the following day,
Feeling a little down, but hard to say if that's the drug or my day. Not planning to do much tonight, bake some cookies, visit Michelle at work, maybe call the folks, and sit around and relax.
No seizure activity, that's cool. No cigarettes though, that's not. Ahh well, payday tomorrow.
\m/

End of the Month

2009-08-10T18:17:00.003-03:00

I'm a little nervous about the end of the month now. It looks as though we'll be evicted on the twenty-third of this month, and we only have a new place to live as of the first of next month. Obviously, that poses a problem. Not so much where will we stay, we can get a cheap hotel room for a week, but where will we keep all our stuff? We have a rather large bed, a fish tank, a cage with three ferrets, a few chairs, some tables, the usual stuff really. Too much to bring to a hotel room. Also, as I work from home over the internet, so, if we stay in a hotel room for a week, I'll have to take a week off I guess.

Not only that, we'll have to pay the first month's rent, along with the damage deposit, and this month's rent that we didn't pay yet. Plus I need to get my criminal record check for school by the twenty-eighth, and make my way out to Dieppe some time soon to meet with a Training and Skills Development Canada officer or counsellor, I don't know what they like to be called yet.

But, I have been working a lot more. Today makes five days in a row, haven't done that in a while. If I continue working everyday for the next two weeks or so, I should have a good check for the end of the month too. Michelle wants to do something, maybe go on a little weekend trip to Halifax or something around Moncton.

That gives me an idea; we had wanted to go camping when we were in Bathurst, but were too busy. Perhaps this might be a good time to go camping. It is getting late in the summer now, the campgrounds should be fairly emptied out, if we even go to one. We should be pretty well set to relax for a few days. Hell, we could maybe camp instead of getting a hotel room. Shower at a friend's place, hope for good weather, that sorta thing. Food for thought anyway.

Well, work is getting a little busier, so I best focus on that for a while. May random find you well.
\m/

Quick Update

2009-08-08T16:04:00.003-03:00

Things are pretty good right now.
I'm working a fair amount this week, with hours picking up even more as the fall approaches. We're looking for a new apartment, as our current living situation has become critical. Our landlord has been freaking out about rent not being paid on time, and adding rules to our lease. Namely a quiet time after 10pm. This is hard to deal with, as we both often work nights, or until late, and doing dishes or laundry can be loud. It's not like we're having parties or listening to loud music or anything ridiculous. But anyway, we're looking for a new place to live, and in fact have a spot in mind, we just need to come up with some money to get the landlord to hold it for us.

We had the money for this month's rent, but we blew it. We still are blowing it in fact. We were only a little bit short, less than 40$, but we would have had to pawn things to come up with the cash, and we would still have no money for food or cigarettes, let alone marijuana, which we both use, at least partially medicinally. So, we decided to eat and smoke rather than starve and have a happy landlord.

We should be pretty stressed, as we got an eviction notice and everything, but we're not. I'm going to have a student loan coming in in the near future, not to mention possibly EI and a grant from the federal government. I know, it's irresponsible, but we're just tired of tip-toeing around our own apartment. It doesn't feel much like home when you have to worry about how much noise you make getting a snack or laughing too loudly at the tv.

So, we're kind of enjoying ourselves while we can, until magic money saves our ass, or it blows up in our face, whichever comes first. I'm hoping it's the money. I am trying to work everyday this month, it just depends how many shifts don't get cancelled I guess. That, or my student loan could come in, that would be swell.

I'm going to try and catch up on some reading soon too. It's a good way to pass the time, now that it isn't too hot to think. Good storms this time of year too. Nature's fireworks. That's all for now, may random find you well.
\m/

Insecure rant

2009-08-01T11:26:00.004-03:00

So I'm feeling a little down as of late. M'lady and I have been on vacation for over a week now, and basically, besides my family, we've been visiting only with her friends. The stag/doe party for our friends' wedding had some mutual friends and friends of mine, which was ok I guess. My main friend there lives in the same town as me and was supposed to call me to go do something twice in the last few months but never did. So yeah, I got to talk about that with him. Another friend, one I didn't know too well, wanted to smoke weed with us. I was surprised, and indicated as much, and he said the last time he saw me I smoked with him and tried to get him to try cocaine. I was like shit, that's true, I remember that now. Don't I look like a junkie.

But in the last week of our 'vacation', we've had less sex, or at most about the same, as we would at home with both of us working. Am I alone in thinking a vacation should feature more sex?

And we're over spending. I figured we would when she said she didn't want to leave all the rent at home, just half. Now we've got to borrow money from my parents, because hers won't lend us money, to cover our rent, as well as Michelle's makeup for the wedding and hair dye for her et cetera. Basically, this week has been all about her, and I'm too tired to even masturbate. I can't wait to go home tomorrow and sleep in my own bed.

But even then, I worry that I just want more sex than her. Is it my fault? Do I get her off too thoroughly, and then she's good for days, meanwhile, I'm ready for round two later that day? Do I just stop 'giving' when I'm not 'receiving'? That seems kind of mean and petty. Who knows, maybe if she was as horny as me, I couldn't keep up, and she'd need many men to satisfy her. That would suck. I guess I'm better off this way.

Still, it's like, when I'm getting cranky and sad and fed up and pissy that she seems interested. Like, what the hell, how is that appealing? Wouldn't you like me more when I'm happy and confident and full of energy? If you wait until I'm sleeping all day and I don't want to eat and I don't care, then how much can be expected of me? I don't even know what I'm talking about, I'm still too new to this whole 'having regular sex' thing.

I've been having weird dreams lately too. I dreamt that I was driving my parents truck and sort of nodding off at the wheel, and I drifted off the road just in time to hit the start of the railing for a bridge. I woke up or switched dreams quickly, so I don't know what happened. But, I sort of felt like a dick, because it seemed that the passenger, who I assumed was Michelle, may have taken a pretty hard hit.

I had another dream where I was urinating at some party, when a group of girls all rushed in to check out my penis. They seemed somewhat impressed, and I indicated the should touch it if they want to see it full-size. The dream then switched to me apologizing, and Michelle seeming ok with it, after all, they had rushed in on me with my pants down, possibly after her bragging me up even, which was cool.

And last night or this morning, I had a dream where this old friend of mine was hanging out with me and was very talkative but perhaps a little too close for comfort. I suspected he might be gay, but I don't believe he is in real life. Anyway, he seemed all in my face, but still was providing useful information about the girl I was with, who, in this dream, wasn't Michelle. It was actually a friend of mine's girlfriend(fiancee?). It seemed she had mislead me with regard to her whereabouts and activities recently.

These dreams seemed to unsettle me. Perhaps they are a reflection of my 'vacation' week and the thoughts lurking in my head. Perhaps they are random firings of the brain too. I don't know, I'm going to stick it out though, heading home tomorrow after all. Hopefully, I'll have a better idea what's going on soon.

May random find you well.
-M

Edit;
A few hours later now, feeling better. Spoke with Michelle, smoked some yetis, cleaned up a bit, packed some of our things, got my drive situation figured out and spoke with the landlord. The reception is BYOB, and we're pretty strapped for cash, but we might be able to pull something off. Maybe there'll be a bunch of jell-o shooters again, we could hit those pretty hard. More positive now anyway, just wanted to vent earlier I guess. Looking forward to seeing the lady in a dress, as that doesn't happen often. I've been instructed to get pictures. Maybe we'll find a way to get a case of beer too, so we don't have to mooch too much.

Have a good one,
\m/

Ouch

2009-07-20T02:33:00.004-03:00

I just got off the phone with the girlfriend.
She's at work, working nights.
We were talking a little bit sexually, being a little dirty and what not, and she asks me;

"Did I ever tell you Stephane(her ex) used to say his super hero name was Testiclees, and his power was that he could turn his right testicle into anything he wanted?"

I was like, damn, there goes my sexual arousal indicator. Why does she have to bring up old fuck-face when we're talking about us and our sexual activities? I was not too pleased, but I kept it to myself mostly. I did suggest at the end of the call that she read more about dirty-sexual things(as she had been in a Cosmo magazine) than about asshole-y ex boyfriends.

It makes me feel bad to hear her talk about her ex fondly. Like fuck, what, do you miss him? Do you remember how miserable he made you? How you tried to cheat on him with me, only I was too dumb to realize it?

And then there's that; she was willing to cheat on him with me. How do I know she won't be willing to cheat on me with someone she's working with now? What about when I go to school in the fall, or when I start working more. What if she gets lonely?

Would I forgive her if she did cheat on me? Would that be a mistake? Would it be like telling her it's ok, you don't need to be exclusive with me, so long as I get my turn too. That's not how I feel.

She's given me no reason to be suspicious really. I don't think I am suspicious either. It's just frustrating sometimes to hear talk about her previous relationships or her male friends. It's like, I come off as an asshole if I tell her that one of her friends is into her. She said her previous boyfriend had a problem with her hanging out with so many guys(like me), and that strained their relationship. But wasn't he right? I was one of the guys he didn't like her hanging out with.

And Michelle keeps insisting her friends are just that; friends. Nothing more. But like, doesn't she know what happens when people get drunk? You make bad decisions, forget important things(like your boyfriend perhaps?), and make mistakes. Is it wrong of me to not want her to get drunk with her guy friends?

For instance; there was this guy that would drive her around all the time. He even drove me with her when I came to visit before we started going out. The first time I came to visit, I got drunk, and asked the guy flat-out if he liked her. He told me that yes, he does like her. I asked if he had a problem with me, and he said no, as long as Michelle is happy.

Now, I pointed this out to her shortly thereafter. I did so in a way that would perhaps spare the fellow's feelings, by saying I suspect he has an interest in her. She brushed this off, saying no no, we're just friends, and that I was foolish to think otherwise.

A few months down the road, it had become glaringly obvious to everyone that this fellow had an interest in m'lady, to the point where he left town as he can no longer stand to see her with me. When all this came to light, she basically said that yes, she knew he liked her, but that she was sort of in denial. Like, she thought he would give up and become interested in another, or he would hit on her, and she would reject him, and that would be that.

But the key thing is, she knew he liked her, she continued to hang out with him, and what's more, she denied it when I asked her. What am I to think? Is this supposed to inspire confidence?

And we're heading to our home town this week, and she wants to hang out with him, and possibly get drunk. I am wary of this, as I was when she suggested we drink together long ago to avoid her parents. I don't want to get involved in a three-some, and then not be able to look Michelle in the eye anymore.

I don't know why I'm so jealous. I wish I wasn't. It just seems sometimes like she's not giving me the whole story, or she's not satisfied with me. Maybe I'm being unreasonable, I don't know. I just know how guys think, and I think she underestimates their/our horniness.

So, should I bring this up with her? Or just keep my mouth shut? I don't really know.

I feel like this is Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, and I just want to enjoy things while they last. May random find you well.
\m/

short update

2009-07-18T20:23:00.004-03:00

Hotter inside the apartment than out today.
Probably because we used the oven to make mini pizzas.
Homemade though, out of buns and english muffins.
They turned out pretty good.
Made for a tasty after sex snack.

That was pretty good too.
It had been a few days, we were busy, then people were here.
My mom stayed over one night. Not too conducive to sexual activity.

Have a wedding to go to next week, or the bachelor/ette party then the wedding a few days later. We plan to do some camping while were in Bathurst, as we're taking a week or so off each.
Nice little vacation I imagine.

I wonder if synthetic chemicals in the environment might lead to super-bug or animals. For instance; suppose some animal is able to digest Teflon, and their body uses it in their joints to allow for low-friction joint use. Could the animal then run much faster than before? Or would its muscles not be able to handle the strain?

What if one's bones weren't made of calcium, but of titanium, or some weird mercury based compound, or gold? What about other, more complex possibilities, like synthetic hormones leading to giant animals, or hyper-aggressive animals, or even crazy psychic animals.

Yeah, I've been watching X-Files all day. But still, some sort of evolution could come from this big soup of pollution we've been making for years. How could it not?

Anyway, I'm off to brush my teeth. May random find you well.
\m/

Pervious Maximus

2009-07-07T19:43:00.004-03:00

It's been a bit since a posted. The only time I felt like writing lately was when I was in a bad mood, and I figured, who wants to read my complainy-rants. Not me, that's for sure.

So I decided to wait until I was feeling more cheerful to write. I'm not exactly rosy, but I'll do alright I think.

I've been sort of over-horny or over-clingy lately, like I want to touch my girlfriend all the time, and I get discouraged when she rightly asks me to stop pawing at her for a few minutes. I don't know, it should be alright I guess. We're out of condoms, that's sort of a bummer. I mean, I certainly don't want to risk getting her pregnant, as we can hardly stay afloat now, let alone with another mouth to feed. There's more to it than the money though, of course.

But overall, we seem to be doing ok. We got our GST checks this week, that's a nice bonus. Helps carry over to the next payday. Michelle's making some dreadlocks right now for someone, a little more cash there too, that's nice. Should be all caught up bill-wise and good to go for the next while. So long as we don't get sick or hurt or anything. (*Knocks on wood*)

It will be nice to get the Wii back and play some of those wiiware and virtual console games. Not to mention Call of Duty or the new Ghostbusters game. We've been playing a lot of Scrabble lately, and a little Boggle and Yahtzee online, pretty fun stuff. Scrabble especially. We were playing online, but when we went to Bathurst last, we played it at my parents place a few times in the two days we were there, so they lent it to us. So, we've been playing with the old-school board and pieces lately. Pretty fun, and it feels like brain exercise. It is the crossword game, after all.

So hard to use the damn J tiles, but they're 8 points, so you have to try to make hood use of them! I'll get some more J words in my repertoire soon enough...

But besides that, trying to keep costs low, don't eat too extravagantly or smoke too quickly and such. Enjoying each other's company, catching up on our cartoons and other tv shows, taking walks, playing super nintendo, that sort of thing. Passing the time, staying out of trouble. Well, back to work for me. May random find you well.
\m/

2009-06-19T18:14:00.002-03:00

Put half the deposit down for schoolin'.

Smoked some grass and felt quite a bit better, more relaxed, less stressed.

My shift wasn't cancelled for tonight, that's nice. I'm working right now as a matter-of-fact. What's more, not one, but three of my old friends contacted me in the last two days. Two of them were hoping to visit me tonight, I don't know if and when we'll get to hang out, because I'm working all weekend, but it was still good to hear from them.

I've still got a bit of a rash from some cheap store brand bandages I bought when my ear was all infected and gross. I picked up some name brand bandages today though, so I should be good. I'd like to pick up my Wii and electric guitar soon, but we have some expenses coming up still. Hopefully, I'll be able to work a few shifts a week and maybe get a half-decent paycheck so m'lady doesn't have to work so much. She's been working like five and six days a week, as opposed to her regular four days on four days off. She works twelve hour shifts too. Days and nights. Fun fun.

So, hopefully I'll be able to carry my own weight again. I keep trying to look for a second job, but the lady discourages it. She says that she doesn't want to see me any less. But I mean, with her working as often as she does, we don't get to see each other that much as is. That's why I'm hoping my current job stops cancelling my shifts, and then she won't have to work so much to cover the bills, and who knows, we may be able to afford to go out now and then. I'd like to get her everything she wants, but right now, we just can't afford it. We're having a hard enough time keeping fed right now.

I must seem fairly boring lately, not a whole lot going on. Reading some Philip K Dick at the moment, ordered some more. Had a Katimavik billeter stay with us for a while, not too much to report there. He told his group that he smoked pot with us, which he didn't but could have if he wanted to. We thought that was odd. He was an odd fellow overall. He would open a new package of something (spaghetti and coffee specifically) rather than finish off the one that is open. In fairness, the coffee was dark roast, and he wanted regular, but still, now I have to use them quickly or they won't be fresh. Also, he took a book without asking. It was funny, Michelle was just going to ask him if he wanted to borrow it, but he was already gone, and had taken the book with him.

He was pretty quiet, and kind of funny. He didn't add too much, but didn't make it hard to be home either. It was kind of nice to be able to pass on some movie, music and video game knowledge as well. He hadn't even seen Fight Club, can you believe it?

My brother had a birthday recently, talked with him about video games and a possible new ghostbusters movie and that sort of thing. He apparently has no interest in getting a job. My girlfriend right calls him a loser, and it sort of makes me feel bad, but I mean, she's kind of right too. I would just probably say he doesn't have his priorities well arranged or something. Loser just seems like such a harsh word.

I mean, he's a loser as opposed to what, a 'cool guy'? What makes someone cool? Wanting a job? I doubt that. But being self-sufficient is pretty cool, so I hear anyway! I guess not even wanting to take care of yourself is kind of lame I suppose. It's a good way to end up still living with your parents at thirty, that's for sure.

I don't know, I guess I'll just get back to work for now, try and stay awake to spend some time with Michelle before sleep. Hopefully I'm able to meet up with one or both of my friends in town this weekend. May random find you well. \m/

Ranting about my past

2009-06-18T04:03:00.007-03:00

Tomorrow, or technically later today, I go pay the college to hold my seat for the pharmacy tech course I've signed up for this fall. Tonight, I revisit the past, try and make sense of it, see if time and distance have given me better perspective. Nope.

My friends are in a band. They aren't doing well enough to quit their day jobs yet, but still, there is potential there. The main problem, in my opinion, is the singer. Now, the singer and I used to hang out all the time, we were the drug equivalent of drinking buddies, buzzing buddies I guess. But shit got weird. He'd make comments like "You know, if two guys fuck a girl, one in the vaj and one in the ass, they can feel each others dicks inside her. Oh, my girlfriend is coming up this weekend, we should all three of us get drunk together". Ok, maybe that's not a direct quote, there might have been a few lines of conversation in between, but still. He lived like a 5 minute walk away, and would stay all fucking night. I would say "I'm heading to bed now" and he would say "Ok", and just stay there on the couch watching TV or watching my little brother play video games. It's like, get the hint buddy, TIME TO GO HOME!

There were other incidents, but I figured, hey, I was really high, maybe I missed something, or misunderstood. So I let things slide. But, he kept making me nervous and uncomfortable, to the point where I could not stand hanging out with him. I was worried I would pass out and wake up with a sore ass, or a dude in my bed.

And some of the music he listened to was pretty depressing. Freaked me out somewhat. And he wrote pretty unusual stuff, even before he was asked to join the band. But, whenever I mentioned it to someone that knew him, they would say; "That's just crazy (he)'s alright, he's a good guy", so I figured, maybe it's me. Maybe I'm gaying up this whole situation. I was pretty sexually deprived at the time. I figured, maybe that's how gay people get gay, they get all desperate, and just hit on their friends, and then get used to that. I mean, people get used to constant pain and artificial eyes and walking with only one leg after a lifetime of bipedal existence, maybe one could get used to ass-expansion, even learn to enjoy it.

But, of course, this is not the case. Well, I guess it might be in prison...

Anyway, I stopped doing PCP, regained some mental clarity, and told him to take a hike. It was hard, like breaking up(I assume, not much relationship experience, adding to the gay-anoia), but it was a relief too. At first, I was a little concerned that he might try to kill me, being that I lived so close, and he had almost nothing on the horizon. But, he eventually moved out of his parents' house, and to a different city, much to my relief. No more listening for intruders and such, I could once again sleep easy.

But still, our mutual friends have not noticed any unusual behaviour in this fellow. Am I too pretty, like a lady? He wouldn't be the first guy that was attracted to me, maybe I'm too girly, and I make otherwise straight guys into butt-pirates. I don't know though, I mean, I know I like women, no trouble there, but what's the deal? Are my friends all into circle-jerking and much closer with each other because of it? Am I missing out because I don't partake? Or is it really just that the fellow is good at hiding, or was I the only guy that interested him? Or was it all a big misunderstanding on my part? That's the hardest to believe.

I convinced myself once I must be mistaken and that it was just the acid messing with my head, but then, a while later, I found myself in a familiarly uncomfortable situation. I remember thinking something like; "Oh yeah, I remember now. Don't forget this time. Don't trust (him).".

So, where am I now? Better off, that's for sure. But was I right to just cut him out of my life? I miss hanging out with our mutual friends, his bandmates. I have hung out with them without him, and that's alright. One of their roommates though is like the singer's best friend, and similarly freaky. He's the other dude that was attracted to me. So, hanging out there is hard too. I guess I just miss my friends, and I'm not sure what happened.

I'm reminded of a quote "Friends are those that know the worst things about us, and refuse to believe them". Am I a bad friend then? Because I don't refuse to believe the worst things, I rather bare them in mind, and warn others to watch out for these bad traits? Like, if your friend is a klepto, do you ignore it, or lock up your valuables when they're on their way over? If your friend is a predator, do you ignore it, get pass-out drunk, and wake up with your pants on inside out? I don't rightly know, but I know what I did. I tried to convince myself it wasn't the case, but it got to me. I confronted him one time, asked him if he was molested or what, what is the deal. Unfortunately, I blacked out the rest of the conversation. I was still using pcp at the time, possibly some other drugs, as we were at a music festival. What a long drive home that was.

Maybe I'm just a prude.

Anyway, I brought all this up, because I thought I wanted to discuss the band, and how I wish they had asked me to be the singer. Not even that I'm an excellent singer, but this other guy is so full of himself, and he writes mostly gibberish rhymes, and he's sort of a dick. I think I could do a better job. Maybe not, but I would have given it a go. I miss jamming. Fuck, this guy I can't stand anymore and myself, we used to harmonize pretty well too. I think I have a pretty good ear though, not perfect pitch or anything, but I can hear when I'm hitting the right notes. So I imagine I can do that with others as well. I just don't play music that much anymore, and when I do, I'm alone.

I feel now like I'm full of shit, and quite tired. I hope that random finds us all well. See you in the future. Good luck. \m/

Anomalous

2009-06-01T23:56:00.006-03:00

The trials were under way. No one would admit it publicly, of course, but the tests were proving themselves quite worthy of the expense. At least, as far as the administrators behind the research were concerned.

The target of the tests, low income individuals, were responding almost entirely as planned. The product had been distributed using a number of black-market products as a disguise for what really was going on. Untaxed cigarettes, illicit painkillers, even 'stolen' electronic devices, all available at a reasonable price, all tainted with the product. All dropped directly into the hands of the poor, or undesirables as the administrators referred to them.

The effects might not be noticed at first, or mistaken for a slight illness or seasonal allergies. But the product was busy making its way into the hearts and minds of thousands. Maybe millions. Then those affected by the product would find themselves dependent on the administrators other, more legitimate products, their needs pushing more and more money and power into the hands of the few that already had become corrupt with power.

All was proceeding as planned; poverty was rampant, population stable, incomes declining, health failing, fear on the rise. Nothing sells like fear. Nothing. You think sex sells? Not like this, not like fear. Distraction became a major commodity, marked up and sold at a premium. Intellectual properties owned by corporations, no credit given to an idea's originator. They signed their rights away long ago for a chance to be heard. And heard they were, followed quickly by being ripped off and paid off.

All seemed to be on track for the administrators to tighten their grip on humanity, to make us a slave race, serving our own kind as though they were our masters. Until, that is, the anomaly. The unforeseen anomaly, an individual differently affected by the product, disrupted the plans of the administrators so deeply, that they may never come to fruition.

The reaction to the product, normally a mind-dulling fear enhancement, was instead an awakening. The anomaly became aware of the nature of the product, and thus the administrators plans. What's more, the anomaly was then able to change how others perceived the product, as well as the legitimate tools of the administrators. The resistance was born.

Before then, there could be no resistance, because there was nothing to resist. No one had asked what was going on, and who was doing it, and why. The product, once a tool of control, became a light in the darkness, an element of freedom. Those awakened to what was going on, were now able to use the administrators tools to aid them. Like swords to plowshares, what had once held the populous down, now gave them the strength to stand up. What once numbed free-thought, now blocked out subliminal advertising. What once took away one's energy, now provided much needed rest. What once kept people focused on the task at hand, now gave them mental clarity and hunger for stimulation. They sought out information to free themselves and others from the grip of the administrators, and by the time those in power discovered the anomaly, it was no longer an anomaly, but the growing norm. It could not be stopped. Like a virus, their herd had become infected with this yearning for life and meaning. No longer content to stare at their television sets, the people organized, banded together, and grew. They grew in numbers, and individually. The power was shifting, at long last, to the majority, to the people.

The administrators tried to reverse the trend. They introduced more and more fear-inducing elements to the world and tried to make their products scarce. But, they had worked too long at making them available, and the products, now tools to be used against them, were here to stay. The dependence on the administrators dwindled as more and more innovations allowed the people to subvert the administrators. The people had become self-sufficient. They made and shared everything they required. Knowledge was passed freely among the people, ideas shared with any interested. The power once held by the administrators had ceased to exist.

The administrators, their plans ruined by the anomalous individual, buried themselves in their empires. The lies the once spoke as truth, now left a bad taste in their mouth. The world had changed while they were counting their money. The resistance ceased to be, as there was nothing left to resist. No great threat, no group attempting to corral the people for their own ends. All was well in the world. The administrators faded away, their plans lost in the mists of time. The people empowered by their quest for understanding.

But, nothing lasts.

Another anomaly emerged. One with a moral defect. The second anomaly would deceive others for its own amusement. The confusion caused by the introduction of false information, lead to doubt and eventually fear. Fear, which had become virtually unknown, was creeping back into the minds of the people. The new anomaly, not satisfied with deceiving for amusement, introduced others to the deception, so that they too might laugh with the anomaly. Soon, the peoples inability to distinguish truth from lies led them to seek refuge by shutting down. People lost interest in freedom and truth, and decided to distract themselves. With people occupied in their distractions, the new anomaly and company were free to create and explore their demons as they saw fit.

Power once again, was shifting. Truth was becoming subjective, and fear was on the rise. People began once again to fall in to the old traps of compliance, there memories of the time before the first anomaly all but lost.

But this was not the same as before. The people were inevitably working towards evolving. Time marches ever onward. The past sits beneath us. And while history seems to repeat, innovation is inevitable. Peace cannot last, nor can war. Though freedom ebbs and flows with time, it never disappears. Society may collapse, but when it is rebuilt, there will be more to work from. We will get further with each cycle, until eventually, we break free. Truly free of history, we will be as new, with the universe as our playground. Spread out among the stars, no power will be able to restrain us. We will evolve. We will be free.

How this will affect us, physically and mentally, I cannot say. Time's passage will change us, that much I can say. Where we are now, in the cycle of freedom and fear, I cannot say. Certainly in transition, but in which direction are we moving? Towards fear, or freedom? Maybe both. Pulled in different directions by different forces. Built up by time and knowledge, torn apart by hatred and fear. Maybe, both will lead to the same; unbeing. An end of humanity, and the start of something new. Whether we evolve, or eliminate ourselves, that is the struggle. That is the conflict. And our instinct to preserve ourselves makes it seem unlikely that we will intentionally eliminate ourselves.

Time will tell our fate. Until then, keep your eyes open and your mind sharp. May random find you well.

-Agent of Truth

2009-05-28T15:57:00.005-03:00

It's been a little while now since I've posted anything.
Hasn't been a whole lot to report. Family stuff. Went to a baptism.

But now, I've applied for a Pharmacy Tech course this fall. I mean, I already know most of the stuff I'll be taking first semester, and I'd be happy to learn more about prescriptions and pharmacology in general, so why not eh? I'll be reading about drugs for the rest of my life anyway, I might as well get a certificate to prove it. Plus; I'll get to wear a lab coat.

Not only that, but with the student loans, bursaries, and government incentives available, I may actually get paid to go to school. I may not even need a loan if EI picks up my books and half my tuition, as they supposedly do.

What really prompted this decision though, was not all this common sense stuff I just listed but the financial difficulties we are now facing. By we I mean me and m'lady. This commercial pretty much sums it up;

We can't afford both. Not without borrowing. I shoplifted some cheese yesterday, because I did not have enough for that and a package of store-brand hot dogs. I've been collecting sugar and ketchup packets at restaurants all week, again, because we could not afford to buy sugar and ketchup. This is not fun, and not something I am proud of.

My reserve tobacco bags, that we've been hand-rolling cigarettes from when we run out of tailor-mades, are almost empty. Less than ten cigarettes worth of tobacco remain on reserve. I don't want to have to scour the ground outside of bars for cigarette butts to re-roll at home again, it's been years since I've been that poor, but, I fear it may come that time again soon.

We decided we should take turns going back to school, and being that Michelle earns significantly more than me, and thus it would be easier to live on her wage alone than mine, I will be going to school first. After that, it will be her turn, as I will be making more money, and what's more, I'll be in a secure job sector. Health Care is not going anywhere anytime soon.

Of course, I realize that this poses a potential problem; what if we were to break-up? I would certainly feel obligated to support her through school, as she had/will for me. I do not anticipate that being a problem though, as I love her like crazy, and she too seems quite fond of me.

*** 15 Hours Later ***

I stopped mid-post yesterday because Michelle came home and was sitting beside me, and I prefer to 'blog' solo. I feel like a geek, but whatever, I am, so it's all good.

I had a dream last night, I came out to the kitchen, and there were only three or four slices of bread left from a loaf that I knew had been a full loaf when I last saw it. I think I may have been sleeping, but I didn't have to get dressed, so maybe napping(in my dream I mean) is more accurate. My Uncle Harry was there, I believe with someone else, perhaps a lady, I believe they were talking politely, with the radio playing quietly, and possibly it was sunny. I was at my parent's house, I could tell from the kitchen, but it seemed odd somehow. My Uncle seemed more spry than he actually is.

In the dream, I got upset with him a bit, not because he used so much bread, but because he had used my favourite, the end piece. There was one left, and when I started whining, he offered it to me, saying something like, "I was going to use it for a hamburger bun, but you can have it if you want". I realized immediately in my dream even, what a whiner I was, and told him to use it himself.

Yesterday, I had the opportunity to try some over-the-counter natural ADD supplements, mostly Omega-3 fish oil stuff, and I must say, I am quite impressed with the results. There was one point where I was deep in thought, and I could see somewhere else, like a really vivid daydream. I was sort of hot and cold, not unlike other cognitive enhancers. I wasn't grinding my teeth or anything, I just took the recommended dosage though. I wasn't too hungry at supper-time, but after a while my appetite came back.

I was surprised at how well my memory seemed to be working. It was a little overwhelming in fact, I went to lie down for a bit to try and relax. I told m'lady at one point that it felt like part of me that had been asleep was waking up. It seems a little corny or ridiculous now, but it seemed pretty accurate at the time. I took two yesterday, and I just took one now, I'm curious to see if it still has a noticeable effect. I was quite surprised at how much my mind seemed to be racing, considering these are specifically marketed to treat children, but I suppose, my mind my have been lagging as of late. I did sort of feel like a kid again. Weird.

Overall, I'm pretty optimistic. We're going to have some troubles paying rent, and I don't know what the landlord is going to think about that, but we will deal with that as it comes up. I should probably get to applying for student loans and provincial bursaries if I'm to get any. I will look into that later, as I should be finding out today if I was accepted into the course or not. My marks shouldn't be a problem, and I think I did well in the interview, so I'm not too worried about getting accepted. Wish me luck though.

I'll be back in the future, and may random find you well.
\m/

It's always something

2009-05-06T20:58:00.005-03:00

Well, things are pretty good in my opinion.
Money could be better, but it could always be better.
Health is pretty good.
I've got a broken tooth, but it doesn't hurt yet.
Mysterious chin/neck bump, but that hasn't gotten any worse in a long time, so no worries there. Ears are healing up alright. Nose has been a little troublesome, but probably just dry weather and seasonal allergies.

I had the year off last year allergy-wise. For the last ten years or so, I had been noticing a springtime flare-up of runny noses, itchy watery eyes, and sore throats and coughing. One time, I was driving, my eyes watered so bad, I had to pull over. So, generally, around this time of year, I would buy some sudafed or sinutab, or some other stimulant containing product to ease myself through this tough time. Last year however, I found this to be unnecessary.

Perhaps my use (at the time) of snort drugs(stimulants usually) had weakened my immune system, or given it a real threat to target, as opposed to pollen and dust. Was it my use of drugs, that lead to my easy-going allergy-season? Was it my easy season last year, that brought about this year's nose-assault?

My nose started to hurt, I figured because of the heaters and dryness. I blew a little bit of blood, usually in the morning, and once when I coughed really hard, my nose bled a little, but nothing serious. I used to get serious nose-bleeds when I was a kid, but that all stopped around the end of high school or so. Right around the time I started using nose-drugs? No, that couldn't be the case...

But anyway, my nose hurt quite a bit, and I was pretty crusted up in the mornings. But then, my nose started to run a lot, and I've been getting headaches, usually sinus oriented. So, basically, the allergies are back, and making up for lost time. My nose feels raw on the inside. Normally, the kleenex would have torn my nose up by now, but my girlfriend buys the good stuff with lotion in it. Just don't use it to wipe your eye.

But yeah, that's what I've got. My computer was down, I missed a few shifts. It was in a scary rebooting loop, it wouldn't even boot in safe mode. Anyway, we went to Bathurst for the weekend, and I got my recovery cds and XP, and I reinstalled, and presto, back in action. I didn't have to format or anything, but it was still a major hassle. I need this computer for work, and it was down for almost a week. Don't let friends check their email when they come over. Just don't.

M'lady is doing alright, a little upset with the parental units, but that's kinda the norm with them. They're not all bad or anything, I mean, they did raise my girlfriend, who I am quite fond of. But, they do seem to push her buttons sometimes. They seem to be somewhat neglectful since her sister had a child. Possibly even when she was just pregnant. But yeah, she's pretty stressed about family stuff, which makes sense.

But overall, I'm pretty happy. Stuff is going well, we often are made to wait for things, which can be hard, but it makes the things we waited for seem all that much better. I'm feeling more positive than I have for quite a while, it's definitely odd, for me anyway. I'm finding it easier to go without marijuana at times.

Well, I'm done work for the night now, and there's things that need to be done. May random find you well. K O R I T F W

2009-04-24T05:40:00.003-03:00

I can barely keep my eyes open.
It's been a long week.
I don't even really want to get into the details.
Lots of hassles, lots of expenses, and lots of disappointment.

I'm supposed to make bacon pretty soon.
I still want to watch an episode of Fringe.
The new Final Fantasy tower defense game is pretty fun.
Crystal defenders.

Selling it in installments though.
But, the whole thing is supposed to be like three hundred levels.
And I think that there are only three parts to the game.

If each is about eight dollars, like the first, and the levels are evenly distributed between the games, then you get a fair amount of game at a hundred levels for eight bucks.

It's kind of like PixelJunk Monsters, but less real-time, and more freedom of placement. Also, there are more enemy types (I think anyway), and your 'towers' don't upgrade on their own, they have to be manually upgraded, which can be done between waves, or in real-time as the enemies attack.

It'll be nice to have our apartment to ourselves again, and not have any medical problems currently requiring treatment. It would be nice to be able to put in more hours at work to ease some of the financial strain.

I'm passing out in my chair. I need to make myself a coffee.

I played a little Call of Duty today too.
I hadn't had the Wii hooked up in a while.
It was fun.

I want to catch up on Fringe before I make that bacon.
Best of luck, may random find you well.
\m/

2009-04-16T21:41:00.003-03:00

Having a few drinks tonight with the girlfriend.
Am I getting drunk too fast?
Will I be passing out on her?
Will she fall asleep sober before I even get into the swing?
I don't know, hopefully not.

We've been having some fun, she's on the TV now though, and I'm on the computer, don't have the attention span for TV. I'm skipping 5-minute songs before the end.

I got paid today, and basically I'm already broke. I have money, but it's for rent. It sucks, working what seems like a fair amount, putting in your time, trying hard, being a productive member of society, and not being able to afford shit.

Well, maybe I exaggerate. I did have enough to buy some booze, after all. Pretty much thanks to my girlfriend, who I referred to as my sugar-mama today. We laughed, but I mean, she makes more in a week than I make in two. She ends up paying for food and cigarettes and even alcohol and marijuana for me, and I feel bad about that. But, when I work, she gets disappointed if I want to work late, she often wants me to come visit her at work if we are both working. So, I'll finish at 11 rather than midnight or 1am or however late they end up dialing.

I shouldn't try to blame her, I could work more if I wanted to. I think I do though, so I may start.

I feel forgetful, like I had something to say but now I've forgotten what it was. I hope it wasn't anything too important. I'm distracted already, I'm done with this post. Have a good weekend folks, keep on rockin' in the free world. \m/

Half the caf.

2009-04-12T14:21:00.006-03:00

I recently acquired what is known as a pollen press.
It presses, but not pollen. Well, technically, it is known as pollen in some circles, but what it really presses, is trichomes. Specifically, the gathered trichomes of the cannabis plant. Kief is another name for this substance, or crystal. When pressed, the substance forms hashish, which is useful if one enjoys the bottle-toke smoking method. It's a pretty tasty substance, that hashish.

We recently bought some hash that seemed to be cut with sugar. Well, a sweet-burning clear liquid gathered on the inside of the bottle we used to do BTs with it. I suppose, it could have been a sweet-burning chemical cutting agent, but let's just hope it was sugar. It seemed to caramelize, blackening and hardening rather than burn to a nice white ash as is normal with hash. That seemed to indicate sugar as well. The hash was very brittle, and did not soften with heat. It crumbled a bit, perhaps burning the outside. We ended up having to cut the hash with a knife into tiny bottle-toke sized chunks. The person who got it for us said the she would microwave it for a bit to soften it, but she is not exactly known for her good sense, especially having told us this was 'good hash'. As mentioned, we just cut it up as best we could, using the dusty particles in the yetis or joints we smoked.

Now, the pollen press, which is filled with trichomes harvested from cannabis purchased locally, should contain little to no contaminants, besides plant matter(assuming the cannabis itself is not contaminated). But, the hash I am able to produce, ends up quite hard, and is not easily shaped with pressure. Basically, I end up cutting it, much like I did with the shady hash. Now, this hash doesn't have the funny taste, or weird burn-profile that the shady hash did, but still, it is a pretty high quality product, and should be softer. Reading the wikipedia article about hashish, I find this;

Fresh hashish of good quality is soft and pliable and becomes progressively harder and less potent as it oxidizes.

So, what's the story here? Has my kief oxidized, making my hash seem old and hard, even though it's newly-pressed? Have the trichomes oxidized on the plant even? Or am I just not pressing the hash hard enough or long enough? I have read that using a vice to aid the pollen press is a good way to increase the pressure. But, I don't know if that is specifically the problem, or if I would just end up with harder darker hash, equally or more brittle than I have now.

I guess I'll try more time and heat exposure, see how that works. The hash still tastes good, and does what it should, so it's certainly not a waste of materials. Also, it is quite fun to make things for yourself. That sense of satisfaction that comes with a job well done, well, that still comes with an illegal job well done. It's sort of like gardening, or cooking yourself a good meal. Sure, you could just go out and buy the finished product, but when you put the work in yourself, not only do you know what went into the end result, you feel a connection to it. Your efforts brought about that hash, or that onion, or that turkey dinner, that tray of muffins, that finely carved pipe, that hilarious string of words, that high score, that perfect kickflip down a 9-set, or whatever your labour of love may be, and you feel a sense of accomplishment and self-confidence, because you just did that, and you know it, you can see it, and you can probably do it again.

Well that's all I've got for now. I'm off to smoke yetis and play Urban Strike on the SNES. Have a good one, may random find you well. \m/

Quick Update

2009-04-06T03:25:00.004-03:00

For someone with mono, I'm feeling pretty good.
I'm done my course of antibiotics.
Now I'm only taking NSAIDs and vitamins.
NSAIDs to keep my tonsil swelling down.
Hurts quite a bit if I don't.

I may have to deal with some rebound headaches for a bit.
But that's ok, I like eating now.

I'm not sleeping like an excessive amount.
I didn't soak the bed in sweat last night either.
That was nice.

I have been drinking a lot of fluids, and still feeling dehydrated.
Yellow pee and such.
I worried briefly about jaundice, but I think my liver is going to be ok.
The spleen enlargement worries me a bit.
Michelle punched me in the stomach a bit, just playfully, but if I hadn't been ready, I dunno, might have hurt. At least I know to watch for that, so if anything happened, I'd be on my way to the hospital lickity-split.

But like I said, I'm feeling pretty good.
Ate lots today, I like that.
Got to smoke some real marijuana!

Let me explain.
We bought some hash recently. We were told it was good hash, but right hard. We thought, hey, sounds good. Usually bunk hash is pretty soft and sort of smells like play dough. Well, this hash, doesn't get soft. It like snaps apart. Very brittle.

After much effort, we were able to isolate some BT sized chunks, and set about racking some bottle tokes. The taste was alright when smoked this way(better than by pipe), but we found the smoke behaved differently than usual. It seemed to stick to the bottle rather than slide down to the bottom of the bottle.

After a few sessions, a transparent liquid had accumulated at the top of the bottle. It looked almost like honey oil, so we scraped some out, and lit it up, to see how it smelled. It bubbled like oil would, so we figured maybe it's good, but it hardly smelled. I inhaled some of the smoke, and found it to be quite sweet. M'lady remarked that she could smell it as well. The mystery was solved, the hash had been cut with sugar, or some kind of sweetener.

Although, now that I think about it, some chemicals have a sweet smell, if I'm not mistaken. Perhaps I should investigate further before smoking anymore of said hash.

But, I have a little marijuana remaining to smoke in the yeti format. Which I will now proceed to do before going to sleep. Have a good one. See you in the future.

stream of thought

2009-04-04T12:55:00.005-03:00

Well, it looks like my ear is clearing up nicely. No more hole big enough to smuggle something in. It's still a little pale and weird looking, but definitely on the mend.

Now, a few days ago, I noticed my tonsils were quite swollen. I thought that I had tonsillitis, as I had had tonsillitis before, and it looks the same as what was going on in my throat. I thought it was weird though, that I would develop an infection while already on antibiotics. But then, I figured, maybe they weren't strong enough, or maybe the drainage from my ear moved to my throat or something. Whatever it was, I knew I had to bring it up at my follow up appointment.

As it turns out, my amateur medical opinion was wrong. The Doc, after several hours in a waiting room, took a look at my throat, and said it looks more like mono or strep throat, and he took a throat swab and some blood tests to confirm. He told me they would call me later that night if there was anything to be concerned with. I asked the hematologist how long the tests take. She told me a half hour to fourty-five minutes. So, when I left the hospital at 9:30pm, I figured, if I don't get a call by midnight(the time the doctor that had seen me was off), then I must be good to go.

No call came, so I figured, I guess the Keflex will take care of it as well.

Unfortunately, that was not the case. The next morning, the doctor called to inform me that I was positive for mono. He told me to expect to be sick for about two weeks, and to avoid contact sports for another 8, as the spleen is often enlarged, and at risk of rupturing for about that long.

My girlfriend is sort of avoiding me a bit, to try and not catch the mono. But I mean, I don't hardly know anyone here, and the only people I've shared smokes and drinks with as of late are her and her friends. So, I'm pretty sure she's got it too. I mean, I don't hope that she gets sick, but I miss making out with her already.

It's been a pretty busy and stressful week all-in-all. We had to scramble to get money for rent, I actually pawned my Wii for a day. That was scary. It was almost my guitar. We still ended up short, but we were able to borrow some money to cover us, until payday, which was the next day.

The girlfriend's parents also came down for a visit. That was kind of nice, as they were able to drive us around, and took us out to lunch, but it was quite stressful for her as well. Mayhap her emotions were a tad exaggerated, but that happens when you're stressed and broke and hungry.

So, what now? We're working lots to try and get all caught up, so that we don't have stressful weeks like this past one. At least, that's what I figure. It's not something we have discussed directly. But nobody likes to worry about money.

Well, I'm going to focus on the task at hand, which is work. May random find you well.
-Marc

Don't think about necrotizing fasciitis

2009-03-28T23:07:00.005-03:00

Oh my god.
So, I'm off the IV anti-biotics, woohoo!
I don't have to go back to the hospital until thursday to make sure the oral antibiotics are doing their thing. Gave me some gauze and tape and stuff, told me to keep it clean.
Well, I haven't really gotten a look at my ear since it was all swollen. Well, it's basically back to normal size, but it certainly isn't normal.

My ear is all scabby and crusty, and there's this open wound in the back. Like I can see inside my ear lobe. It's fucking disgusting, and what's worse, it doesn't hurt. That freaks me out. Nerve damage? Is there more to come? Is this a travelling infection? Are the antibiotics doing anything, or is it just the major drainage I'm getting at the hospital that's making it feel better?

My dad had MRSA last year, and they are giving me the M that the SA is Resistant to, so, if my infection is methicillin resistant, than this round of treatment won't do much. Not until they break out that vancomycin would I get better. And from what I hear, that can be a pain in itself.

I don't want to get to know the hospital staff because I'm there so often, I want to get my ear cleaned up, so I can walk around without a big gauze ear-cone on. I want to use the phone with my right ear. I want to sleep on my right side without worrying about fucking up my ear or juicing up the pillow.

Ok, now that that's out of the way, NO MORE IV! Woo hoo! I had my first shower in days, and man, it was pretty good, except for the big hole in my ear. I didn't really want to shampoo on account of that. Still, nice to be cleanish.

And I got to Tim Horton's twice today, that was nice. I've hardly had any coffee since moving in with the lady. She doesn't normally keep instant on hand, and we have no wheels of our own for Tim's runs. I guess it makes the coffee I do drink all the more enjoyable.

**An hour or so later**

I have returned to the keyboard. I spoke with my girlfriend, she is anxious to check out my ear, despite my warnings against it. I was right hungry until I checked out my ear. Totally lost my appetite.

I don't think it's flesh-eating or MRSA necessarily, I mean, it does seem to be responding to treatment. I wonder still, if this is headset related. I've been wearing headsets for my various call centre jobs for years. Usually for around 7 hours a day, sometimes 6 days a week. That much time with a headset on can't be good for one's ears. But then again, maybe they did studies that show you can wear headsets for 25 years without any permanent damage done. I haven't done the research to know.

Whatever it is, I'll keep an eye on it, follow the doctor's instructions, and go back to the ER if it gets worse.

Hey, I just realized; I'm totally not thinking about my finances. I was pretty worried about that, but it certainly has taken a back seat, now that I've had a look at my ear. Also; I think we worked some things out, so we should be pretty good to go, if all goes well.

Doing the dishes now. Sort of soothing. I'm all focused on what I'm doing, clean this knife, dry this bowl, it's freeing in a way. Almost like meditation. I will look for this peace of mind whenever I do the dishes. Any repetitive task I guess. I wonder; could I go into a trance for work, and sort of, float through the shift, almost like sleeping? Would I want to if I could? Am i already doing that now?

I hear people outside my window. It is 1:30 on a Saturday night, it's not entirely surprising. There is a university within walking distance, and you know those students and their dangerous fun. I'm already pretty edgy from the whole ear thing...

They seem to have quieted down or moved along. Either works for me. Not in the mood to make friends.

There's things to be done here before I head to bed.
Clean-ups, and calls to make, and such.
May random find you well.
\m/

Earection, Eargina, Earouch

2009-03-26T04:42:00.004-03:00

"Please dismantle,
all these phantom limbs.
It's the evidence,
of humans as ornaments humans as ornaments...."
-The Mars Volta

So today I went to the ER in my new city of residence for the first time. It wasn't too bad, waited about 2 hours or so before I got in to see a doctor, another hour after that and I was on my way.
The triage nurse had said, "You should see a doctor". I was a little confused, I mean, I was at the emergency room after all, didn't I already know this? Like, was there a chance I might not see a doctor still? I asked how long it would be, and she told me, "I don't know, but you should wait, because that's not going to go away on it's own". So, yeah, obviously I stuck around.

They took a look, and then moved me to a room with an adjustable table in it. They got me to lie on my side and inject my ear a few times with some anesthetic. It was weird, it felt like they had just poked my abscess, so it would leak, and then left for a while. I guess the anesthetic felt like a liquid moving down my neck. I didn't realize until I woke up not long ago that where my neck had been tense for days, was all numb. I was too focused on the ear job to notice at the time. Hopefully, they'll gimme another shot tomorrow.

So they cleaned out my ear, packed it with some mesh, a procedure I was familiar with, as members of my family have had abscesses in the past. They gave me two pills, and got me to wait a while for them to kick in before they hooked me up to IV antibiotics. The pills boost the serum level of penicillin-class drugs and slows their breakdown. Pretty much only used for bad infections.

When I woke up this morning, or I guess yesterday morning now, I had a sort of burning sensation in my ear, and there was a discolouration near the edge. I wondered what it was that causes cauliflower ear, and how did Van Gogh make out anyway? Then I sort of realized, if I don't get this looked at soon, I could be dealing with a permanent disfigurement, or worse, hearing loss.

Why do I hate the hospital so? When they said I'd need IV antibiotics for three days, at first I thought they meant I'd need to be admitted, and I was not pleased. Just yesterday, I received a verbal warning at work about my missing shifts as of late. I call in and such, and it's been because I was unable to work because I was stranded out of town, or I was too sick to work. In fairness though, I did end up stranded out of town quite a bit. But, as I told work, that shouldn't happen anymore, no travel plans in the near future.

But, I guess I'm feeling better now. My ear has been looked at, and I've got a way in tomorrow and the next day quickly, so they should have me fixed up pretty soon.

Well, I'm making some food now, and reading wikipedia while it cooks, so this is pretty much it.
Sorry for the grossness of the content, but hey, that was my day. Have a good one, may random find you well.
\m/

2009-03-23T21:39:00.003-03:00

So I'm working my first shift at my new location.
All moved in and such.
Pretty dang good so far.

I kind of freaked out a bit the first day I came, I'm not sure if it was because I was so tired, or because I'm sick a bit, because I was all dehydrated or malnourished or what.

I had been pretty feverish for a few days, and a little vomitous too, so I hadn't been eating much. I had been coughing a lot too, which was making it hard to get much sleep. On top of all that, the night before I left, my right ear swelled up like a cartoon. It was giving me quite a headache, and I'd already been taking quite a bit of tylenol for my fever. Still is giving me a headache actually.

But yeah, I got really nervous when I came out of the grocery store and I couldn't find my girlfriend and our friend that had driven us there. I got angry because I was made to wait basically, which was ridiculous, but only in retrospect unfortunately. I guess I was also mad that I was freaking out and they were calm and laughing. This again, was ridiculous, but only now as I look back.

But besides that one incident, things have been pretty excellent. We're hanging out lots, eating well, talking all the time, getting along great. We're kinda making loose plans about the apartment and such, good fun. I was still pretty sick yesterday, I slept quite a bit, wasn't interested in heading outside much. Today, I was feeling a lot better. We walked out to get some groceries earlier. Condoms too. Better safe than sorry, so they says.

Ok, so I just broke a tooth eating a Nerds Rope candy. Probably a filling to be more accurate. Now, this was right below where I recently had three fillings, so it could be that one was too large, and wore on the tooth below it. That making the nerds just the back-breaking straw of the situation. My health has not been the best as of late admittedly. I could probably stand to drink more milk, among other things.

I sort of lost my train of thought, I'm all concerned with this tooth now. It's sharp, probably going to cut my tongue. When will I make it to the dentist I wonder. Ahh well, I'm done work now, I should go consult with the lady. May random find you well.

Stream of thought

2009-03-19T21:04:00.003-03:00

So, it looks like I'll be moving soon. Saturday to be precise. I've got an appointment made to have an internet connection installed that night. I have work the next morning, that'll be my first shift at my new place of residence.

I'm pretty excited, and pretty nervous. It's been a while since I've lived with anyone that wasn't a member of my immediate family. And I've never lived with a significant other, or even really had one. I imagine I'll learn not only about her, but about myself as well. And I do enjoy learning after all.

Of course I realize, this could be bad. I could learn that I am incredibly hard to live with, or a neat freak, or too much of a dork for her. I could find her to be unbearably messy, or too demanding, or even too boring. These all seem quite unlikely really, and I'm not worried about them. I'm more worried about not being able to put in more hours at work, or it being loud around the apartment while I'm trying to work. Also, if we get mad at each other, I don't really know where I'm going to go to cool off. I'll figure it out though. We're usually pretty good at resolving stuff quickly, so hopefully it won't come up for a while.

I am concerned that my interest in drugs might be troublesome. For instance; I would like to make some poppy-seed tea, for the morphine and codeine contained within, but I don't want my girlfriend to be ashamed of or disappointed in me, and I also don't want her to right like it and get hooked or something, then it would be my fault, and I would be guilt-ridden. Perhaps I'd do well to stick with cannabis. Green Dragon is quite the fun concoction.

She does generally eat healthier than me, and I'm hoping some of that will rub off on me. I could certainly stand to benefit from that. Neither of us is very active right now, she likes the summer, I don't know why I've been sticking close to home recently. I guess I've got a lot on my mind, but really, all the more reason to stretch your legs. I might go take a walk tonight, visit the local watering hole one last time before I 'ship out'.

There's another thing; alcohol. How much is too much? I feel guilty even having my first drink now. It's almost midnight, there's no reason I should feel guilty, is there? I paid for this alcohol, I worked tonight, put in my full shift, even stayed late to make up for my break running long.

I feel like a broken record a bit, am I getting redundant? Well, at least I've got some major novelty coming into my life in the near future, should shake things up a bit, make me more interesting. Keep things fresh. Ok, now I'm a slogan generator.

May random find you well.

Reflecting

2009-03-11T02:51:00.005-03:00

Holy fuck I miss that girl.
She told me recently that we've already had more sex than with her last boyfriend of over two years, and we've been together since like Christmas. I feel kind of bad for the guy. Still though, I went to visit last weekend, and umm, it was a pretty big weekend.

She asked me to move in with her. It seems kind of sudden, but I want to do it none the less. I am probably going to delay it a bit, but at the same time, I'm going to bring things there and leave them to facilitate the moving process. This is all new territory for me, so, I'm pretty nervous. At the same time though, I'm really excited. This could be tremendously good.

I still would like a better job, but the company I work for from home now, is based in the same city as my girlfriend, so I could move in-house, which would make it easier to work long shifts and possibly even advance within the company if I found it to be an environment I really like.
Seems unlikely though that I would make a career out of radio and television ratings.

Just today or yesterday, someone asked me if I worked in radio. They said I had a good voice for it. I laughed, said thank you, and remarked how the pay is probably better. Really, even if I had to do shitty commercials for products I hate, it probably wouldn't be any harder than my current job. And again; with better pay. But, I have no communications degree. Still, I'll keep an eye out. Can't hurt to apply.

I think my problem with guitar is that I try too hard. I am too afraid of sounding like someone else, or not being technically impressive enough. I worry that if my music is too easy too play, it will be poorly received. But then I have a hard time playing it when I'm nervous, if it's at the edge of my abilities. Perhaps I should play more mellow music, try and relax, just let it flow.

I'm about ready to eat some magic mushrooms I think. It's been a while, and I think I will be better received, now that I'm working at getting myself together. I know, that sounds a little crazy, but I mean, come on, it's tripping, what do you expect?

I've never tripped with a girl that was like, into me and not attached, so, if I were to trip with my girlfriend, I don't really know for sure what would happen, but I think it could be really amazing. Like, I feel sort of damaged from previous trips that went a little crazy. I would like to be able to repair this damage, if possible without consulting the other parties involved in the bad trips. Is this cowardly, or selfish, or is this smart and safe? I do not rightly know. But, I do know I'd like to be able to feel comfortable in social situations again.

I worry though, that the problem isn't the bad trips I had, but the mindless chatter. The idle talk about TV shows and sports, where nothing is gained really but trivial knowledge of no practical value. Thus, when I spend time with other people, if they aren't super interesting and entertaining, I get bored and disappointed in them. Then, of course, I feel bad for being so judgmental, and I get depressed for being 'high and mighty' or pompous.

There's a quote about that. Hold on reader, I'll dig that up for you;

George Jean Nathan; "I drink to make other people interesting."

I know how you feel sometimes fella. Sometimes though, I wish I didn't.

I best wrap it up for now. May random find you well. K O R I T F W.
\m/

What's up?

2009-03-04T18:34:00.005-04:00

I'm working right now. Pretty tired too.

Went out last night with the girlfriend. Actually, she went out with her friends while I was working. The plan was that I would go pick her up after work, but by the time I was done my shift, we had both independently reached the decision that I should stay for a few drinks and we should cab it home.

So, I went to see her at the bar. She was right happy to see me, she gave me a kiss right away. Normally she's not much on public displays of affection. The dude she was talking too looked a little sad and left. I must admit, I did a little victory dance in my head. She was reasonably drunk when I got there, but still coherent and such, just silly and loud.

She told me she had been bragging me up to her friends throughout the night, that was quite pleasing to hear. Her friend that I had met in the last week gave a positive review. Well, sort of. She said basically, "Well, he sat there, talked, and laughed, as long as they laugh, it's all good". And I did laugh, cuz she's pretty funny. The whole crew of them yesterday were pretty funny. All loud, yelling out "Chin-chin! Penis!", in their francophone accents. Apparently, chin-chin, the traditional glasses clinking toasting sound, is a slang term for a/the penis in a foreign land. I can't remember which, I'm leaning towards China though.

At one point, m'lady said something like "I'm right drunk, but that's good news for you!". I was somewhat surprised. She then told me that she tends to get good reviews when drunk. I said, that's cool, but I still wasn't counting on anything.

My friend was working the door at the bar. I was able to introduce my girlfriend as just that, as opposed to last time, when she was simply my friend, who happened to be a girl. She made fun of me for being corny, but that's alright, I am pretty corny.

I still get insecure though. When she talked today about playing strip paper scissors rock with a friend long ago, that made me nervous. They ARE still friends. And she talks about her friends often. Her old boyfriends too. Usually she is complaining about her Exs, but sometimes, she just talks about their living situation and it makes me feel sort of bad. It's hard to explain, it's like, I wish it had been me, or, I feel outmatched by her experience. Like, "Hey! That's not fair! I didn't get to do that!".

Ok, I might be over-thinking this, but it's even like, what if we stayed together for a long time, and I got all hung-up on having really only had one sexual partner. I don't want to cause any problems over something as ridiculous as that. I just worry about me. I've never like, had a girlfriend before, so, I don't really know how I'll act. I hope honourably. So far so good anyway.

I am getting better at not being so insecure. Building my confidence I guess. It's good.

Besides all this girlfriend jazz, what have I been up to?

I mean, there's work, but besides that, we have been spending a lot of time together. I don't know if that's a good thing or not. I'm staying out of trouble pretty well, that's good I guess. But, am I going to end up all boring? Or like clingy and annoying?

Still though, we talk and watch movies and cartoons, we get around town and such. It's not like my brain is totally shut off when I'm with her. Sometimes it does seem hard to think though.

Though my work is better suited for robots, I am quite glad to be human.

I often joke about looking forward to my own or humanities replacement by more efficient machines. But really, animals want to be strong and durable like machines, and machines want to be emotional and unique like animals. Grass is always greener I guess.

I watched a South Park episode about lice, and I must say, it was pretty heavy in some ways. Dealing with a possible extra-planetary origin of life, sustainability, consciousness, and climate shift, albeit for lice, was quite interesting and humourous.

***

"The struggle ends, when the gratitude begins"

That was on someone's answering machine just now. Seems applicable with regard to my earlier rantings. Again, be thankful, she likes you, she chooses to be with you, so, enjoy that.

"You can't catch a fish if your line ain't in the water"

2009-02-22T15:37:00.005-04:00

Working, but not. Downtime we calls it. Paid to surf the net, cut your finger nails, nap, whatever you want, so long as you can hear the phone ring should the system come back up. Almost three hours now, they'll send us home soon.

Although, a lot of us are home. Virtual call center employees. We work off of the center's dialer, but from home. Works out well for us and them. We can smoke at our station, we don't have to worry about a dress code, no clearing the snow out of the driveway, no heating up the car before a smoke break, no supervisor in the same city even.

And for them, well, we have less distractions without a room full of talking people. We are responsible for our own computers, so that's one less worry. And of course, just the reduction in noise level and traffic at the physical center would mean less stress for those at the center. But enough about work.

I've got some hard decisions coming up in the near future I think. Well, only if I want to make them, and I think that I do.

I want to get out of my parents house again. I moved back after my second year at university, thinking I could regroup, figure out what I ought to be taking, and go do it. Either that, or I'd figure out some way to become financially independent without further schooling. So far though, I still don't know what I ought to be doing, and I have no foreseeable means of supporting myself indefinitely. I mean, I could maintain, just get by, pay the rent, by a bunch of cheap food, get used to no cable and no phone, live like a monk basically. Ok, maybe I exaggerate.

But I read once that working for an hourly wage is terrible idea. It of course means that when you aren't actively engaged in work, there will be no money coming in. What I would like is a revenue stream.

If I had money coming in, and I knew I would be able to pay my bills and eat and live somewhat comfortably, and by that I mean, being able to smoke lots of pot and occasionally have a few drinks without having to take money from anywhere else, like food, then I could spend my time actually being creative and producing things of value, rather than working like a drone at the survey factory or looking for better work. I don't know what I would end up with. Could I write a TV show, a movie, a play, a book, a song, a poem or an article? Sure I could, but would it be any good? I don't know, but I'd kind of like to find out.

I am worried though, that I might be successful. There's a curse that goes something like this;
"May you come to the attention of those in power". That's part of the problem with notoriety. The other is that you actually influence people, and have to live with the consequences of that influence.

Now, that may not sound like a big deal, but if you make one joke about drugs that 1 million people hear, and let's say 8 kids go out to try the drug in the joke, to try and better understand it. Then let's say, one of those kids has a bad trip, ends up hospitalized, or is diagnosed with schizophrenia that may have otherwise not manifested. Direct or not, you played a role in that. You helped fuck up that kid. They might never have done that drug if you'd not made everyone around them laugh talking about it.

Uncle Ben knew what he was saying; "With great power, comes great responsibility".

So, basically, I'd like to be a big slacker, and just write a bit here and there to support myself, but I'm concerned that I might end up guilt ridden if successful, or broken if unsuccessful. Because, if I really tried and failed, it would be quite disappointing.

But, if I never try, I could end up worse off still.

I guess it's probably worth risking the potentially horrible guilt to try something. Yeah, I think I'm going to have to think about this some more, but it seems like a good idea. Now, to narrow it down a bit. Focus on a few projects, get them up to snuff, and send them around.

"You can't catch a fish if your line ain't in the water"

Good luck, and may random find you well.
\m/

Dreams

2009-02-14T00:34:00.004-04:00

I had two dreams when I took a nap this evening.
I was visiting with an old friend of mine, one that now has a kid with another on the way.
In my dream, one of her kids, the youngest(as of yet unborn) was very tiny. About the size of a cell phone, or slightly larger. The other child, slightly older, looked different than he currently does in reality.

Both of the children looked sick, almost fake. Like the baby in Trainspotting. The mother seemed oblivious to all of this though, smiling and showing off her ill-looking babies. I felt sick I believe.

The next dream, I was with my lady-friend, and we were visiting a relative of hers, I believe it was her uncle. When we got there, I was somewhat shocked to find that there was a larger lioness in the living room. The lion sort of grabbed my hand with it's mouth, but didn't bite, because my lady was able to calm the lion quickly, as she(the lion) seemed to recognize her. She called for her uncle, and we could hear him out in his workshop or shed in the backyard. Looking out the window, there was at least one other lioness.

I had the distinct impression that there were three lions, all female, kept as pets at this place. They seemed extremely docile, almost as though they were stoned on weed, but still projected an air of power. I was not afraid of these lions per se, as I remember calmly petting them, but I still thought of that lion that attacked the lion master, maybe it was the magician guy. Either way, the footage where he's telling the big cat to do something, and the cat looks at him, the guy gets a little upset and cracks a whip or something, and the cat just pounces.

What do these dreams mean, I cannot say. Even that they mean something at all I can't say for sure. Still, interesting dreams, with vivid images, even now, hours after I woke up.

loop-rink in space

2009-02-11T20:13:00.004-04:00

So, a space station. Made like a loop or circle. Inside, there would be a continuous ice surface. A never-ending straightaway. Perhaps it would be necessary to have the station rotating slightly to hold the skaters to the ice surface. Still, the reduced weight would reduce friction greatly I'm sure. You could go a week without Zamboniing the ice surface maybe.

And as one's speed increased, and the 'G' forces increased, would the difference even be felt? How fast could one go? What would be the effect on the human body?

Really though, try and imagine it. You could be moving so fast, when you jump, you could go flying. And what if the space station was open to space itself, so you could jump from one loop to the next, all the way around the Earth, if enough were in place. There could be sports designed for this type of low gravity environment. Space-hockey perhaps?

You are virtually weightless, uh-oh, wait, would you be able to skate at all then? Or would the friction reducing effect be nullified by the low gravity. Maybe you wouldn't even need the skates.

Either way, you should be able to reach incredible speeds not normally achievable on foot or skating. Perhaps a small patch of spikes at the front of one's running shoe might provide the best results. More research and perhaps experimentation will be required to say definitively.

Me thinks we should perhaps build a loop-rink in space.

Venting

2009-02-09T20:40:00.006-04:00

What's going on these days?
What's all new and exciting?
What've you been up to?

Well, you see,
I've been changing.

I'm dating this girl now, and things are going quite well.
We've even met each other's parents.

But, I am sort of hung up a bit on some things.
She has lots of friends. Guy friends.
She doesn't seem attracted to them, but at the same time, I can't help but feel threatened.

She talked about her old boyfriend not trusting her, and being mad that she would hang out with this guy that would drive her home from work everyday. She would say, "What, don't you trust me?", to which he must of course reply yes. Thing is though, her ex was right. I was the guy driving her home. We weren't romantically involved at the time, but you better believe the thought was there. On my end at least.

So the thing is this; she has this friend, this guy, that drives her to and from work almost everyday. I even asked the guy if he likes her, and he said yes. I don't know if the lady-friend knows he does though, I felt it would be rude to tell her myself. Also, she might not believe me, which might lead to a fight, her calling me paranoid (and possibly being right), me being upset with her, and her going to spend time with him.

I don't know, she says I should trust her, but I'm scared.

It's like, I have no desire to go and spend time alone with other girls, because I don't even want to tempt fate. But she doesn't seem to feel the same way.

Maybe I'm just paranoid. Again I remind myself; who does she take to bed. Be appreciative. She likes to spend time with you Marc, enjoy that.

But that's another thing; I'm almost afraid to ask her about things sometimes. Like, I don't want to upset her, or learn something I didn't want to know about her, and ruin our relationship. So, do I just keep my mouth shut and enjoy it while it lasts? That seems sort of sad. Just try to smile, don't think too much.

What if that makes me resent her? That's no good...

Lastly, because I've been shy my whole life, I don't have a lot of experience to draw on. In fact, I've already had a number of significant events with her. First repeat sexual partner, first time sober, first time biting on the ass, first real girlfriend even.

She's already done these things, so, am I having more fun?

And what am I to her, average?

Well, I suppose, there is one thing I did that no one else had before. She gets really ticklish after an orgasm, and she said that never happened with anyone else before. Am I doing something well, or something wrong, I don't really know. Lack of experience. Although I will say this, I don't understand why so many guys have a hard time getting their women off. Do a little reading, figure out the biology.

Ahh well, I feel better just having articulated my thoughts like this. Hopefully, we will continue to enjoy each others company for quite some time.

May random find you well.
K O R I T F W

Sober nap dream that I forgot initially

2009-01-24T13:16:00.004-04:00

I remembered a dream that came before that one, or maybe it was part of the same dream. I was with her for this one too, I think. There were people that looked really out of it, and I remember asking one what they were on he said 'mescaline', and I knew he meant the pcp dust that is sold as mescaline locally.

I remember a feeling of dread, or I guess, feeling sick to my stomach as I walked through these individuals. They seemed a grim reminder of what I once was and could be again. I remember a dangerous looking rig hanging in the air. It was full of plugs, some kind of suspended electrical outlet. I had a flash when looking at it of someone being badly electrocuted there while trying to plug something in, or fix a loose plug. But, I also knew, that that was what I now must do.

I reached up to right the plug, unsure if I would be alive in 10 seconds or not, and woke up.

***

This dream, along with the other chinatown dream, both have me in unpleasant environments, but with someone whose company I enjoy. Although, in the second dream(the first I wrote about), we did part ways, which seemed a mistake, as I was trying to get back at the end of the dream. Seems fairly obvious what it means now.

Sober Nap Dreams

2009-01-23T16:32:00.004-04:00

I've run out of marijuana. That hasn't happened for months. I just took an afternoon nap, I was dreaming about Chinatown in Vancouver. I had traveled west for a day trip from somewhere in Alberta. We(me and the lady) were walking around for a while, we seemed to be near a sort of marketplace. We went for a walk, about two blocks out in a straight line. The crowd thinned almost immediately, and it looked more like a warehouse or industrial district. I guess we were following a friend of hers that we had come to visit to their place.

While we were there, she became quite distracted. Maybe we were getting a place to stay for a while, and she was taking a nap. For some reason anyway, I decided to try and get back to the market. I can't remember if I lost something, or if I had seen something interesting, or if I just didn't like where I was. When I had walked about a block and a half, I could see the market, I thought; how will I find my way back? I won't be able to remember what shop to walk behind for two blocks. Then I thought; what if someone wanted me to leave her alone. I turned around and started to quickly head back to where she was. I woke up then.

I had a sort of feeling of dread when I got up, though, I don't know if that was the dream, or because I have to work soon. I've never been much of a precog though, so, I probably shouldn't worry about the literal situation in the dream. But what of the meaning? Am I too much of a loner? Am I lost in an almost foreign land? Should I just stick with the lady, make sure she's not in any danger?

We'll see I guess. Well, I will see, and I'll let you know what I saw.
K O R I T F W
\m/

Work...

2009-01-21T03:47:00.004-04:00

Checking my stats at work a lot lately.
Seeing how I compare against the others.
Sometimes, I have an off round.
Sometimes, I'm cock of the walk.
And, of course, I prefer to be above the daily average.
Thinking about this, I realized that we have been steadily increasing our productivity without a similar increase in our pay.

Today saw the introduction of a new item, the 'project stars'.
The top three performers in each project are dubbed the stars for the day.
What does the mean exactly? They type out your first name instead of just your employee number. No bonus, not even a ballot entering you into a draw for a bonus.

So why do we care? Why does this bullshit work?

I don't know, vanity? Is that it? We want to be recognized? If that's all it is, I'm sure we'll wise up quickly. It's hardly recognition at all. I'm sure people will stop even checking the stat emails. Well, I guess I'm sure I will. I'm pretty sure that I will anyway...

Oh fuck, I want to crush my coworkers. I want the best stats in everything I dial.
But why? That will get me nowhere but stuck on the phones. I would much prefer a job without a headset I think. Monitoring calls, verifying data, troubleshooting addresses, any of that should be better. But would it really be any better? I'd still have to listen to calls all the time.

Maybe it is time to seriously consider getting another job. Either in addition to, or instead of my current job. The thing is this though; most of the jobs I've had have sucked. They all had bullshit to deal with. All of them. Not one excluded. That's why I ended up leaving them, too much bullshit. Rules for the sake of rules, policies that serve no purpose, blatant lies told to keep you producing, double standards, office politics, et cetera.

So, I'm afraid to leave my job, because I see no ideal alternative. If every job I've ever had sucked, why even bother? Just stick with the shit I'm in, at least I'm getting used to the smell.

That's grim. Grimy too. But mostly grim.

So what's the solution? What's the answer? Create a new industry that is fun to work in? Marijuana farming perhaps? Growing and clipping. Drying and processing. Packing and distributing. That's an industry I'd like to be a part of.

Maybe it's me though. Maybe I'm the problem. Maybe I expect too much from people.

Still, that's not an answer. Can I just expect less, by will alone? Can I do that?

Maybe the awareness of the problem will aid me in fixing it.

Well, in the meantime, have a good shift. Don't work too hard. May random find you well.
\m/

Let's Watch the World Burn

2009-01-12T06:04:00.003-04:00

If everything goes to shit,
If our time's running out,
If there is no escape,
Let's take a walk.

The sky is cold and dark,
The air is choking thick,
The ground is cracked and littered,
Want to go for a coffee?

I feel sick,
I can't see,
I can't breathe at all,
Won't you give me a call?

The radiation's come,
The cancer's on its way,
The looting's started,
Shall we loot together?

We roll along,
Just as fast as we can,
Like we know where we're going,
But we've got no plan,

Run in the rat race,
As fast as you can,
You're still running in place,
So let's just stay in bed.

Let's watch the world burn instead.

2009-01-11T12:19:00.005-04:00

Working on a Sunday. Just dropped off the lady-friend before work. She's up for the weekend, but she'll be gone before I'm done my shift.

I asked her out the other night and she right said no quickly. I was surprised, I figured she would be all for it. But I guess I was drunk, so maybe she figured I was only asking because I was drunk.

Maybe too, she wants to keep her options open. But I did ask if she was pursuing any other guys when she turned me down and she said that she wasn't(to which I replied, so, what's the problem?). Perhaps I'm getting ahead of myself though.

She didn't want me to meet her dad. I wasn't too concerned at first, but after I thought about it, I wondered if she figures I won't be around long enough to bother introducing me or something. Paranoia, it'll destroya.

I certainly didn't get much sleep this weekend, that's probably contributing to my weirdness. It's like I babble, I talk about whatever I see or is going through my mind briefly. Anything but what I really wanted to talk about, which is what is going on between me and this lady-friend.

This is something I didn't expect; I feel all hung-up on her. I want to be around her like all the time. I think about her a lot, possibly too much. I have to really make an effort to not be jealous of her guy-friends. They've known her for a long time, but, I know how guys think too. She was showing off her leg scar, getting people to touch a metal piece in her leg. I was biting my tongue. I really like her skin, and I don't want to share it. I'm not going around rubbing up on every girl whose first name I know.

Just breathe deep Marc, trust that she can take care of herself. After all, she may be friendly with other guys, but who does she like to lie in bed and watch cartoons with? Who does she sleep on? Who does she come to town to visit? That's right Marc, you. So, appreciate that instead of freaking out about little things.

I'm somewhat concerned as well, that the feelings I am currently experiencing, are exaggerated and may return to more normal levels of affection(for me anyway). Perhaps even worse than that, I might find myself disliking her, for reasons real or imagined. I certainly don't want to hurt her by leading her on just to let her go. Maybe that's why she doesn't want to go out with me, she knows eventually, we'll likely part ways. And hearing the way she talks about her exes(who, in my opinion, she mentions all too often), I'm not sure I want to be one.

*sigh*

I still want to be with her, so I think I'll just 'keep up the good work', in that I will stay in contact with her, but try not to pressure her into anything. I'm right going to get hurt her down the road I think. Ahh well, deal with that then.

It's like eternal sunshine of the spotless mind, which she too enjoys. Knowing that we'll probably fall apart eventually, we would still come together, to enjoy what we could before then.

And I might be wrong too. Stranger things have happened.

Back to work for now. May Random find you well.
\m/

Stream of thought

2009-01-07T02:21:00.006-04:00

I feel like my brain is half turned off with her. Like I just have this inarticulate pull to her now. I don't even have much to say it seems. Like, I don't want to talk too much and fuck things up.

I've already doubled my sexual experience points. I think if life were a game, I'd have leveled up. Mind you, I had few points, which is why I was able to so quickly double them.

She was nervous for a while. I asked if it was my shoes(size 13). She said what? I said, you know, what they say about guys with big feet, that's not true eh, it's just regular sized. She laughed, and said that wasn't why she was nervous, but it made her feel better anyway.

I find my every word scrutinized with her. And she certainly does not like it when I draw any similarities between her and my dog. Yeah I know, I immediately regretted it both times.

She's not to keen on a certain Colombian export, and whenever I bring it up in passing, she seems a little uncomfortable. I will try to curb this. She was talking with her friend while we were driving around, and she said she really wants to do some shrooms. This freaked me out, because she knows I am prone to bad-tripping. I don't know if she wants me to trip with her or not. I'm afraid that if we tripped and I freaked out, then I'd feel weird around her forever. It's happened with other people I knew longer than I've known her. Still feel uncomfortable around them.

She also talks about her friends and ex boyfriends. Sometimes the stuff she says scares me. Like this friend of hers, she said this one time, well, basically "One more beer, and he woulda raped me". I was like fuck, you need to choose some better friends. She was talking about this other guy that was like her bully, and like, she still hung out with him fairly regularly. I got flashes of her with him spending a lot of time alone.

I saw her grad picture at her parents house. I think one of my old friends may have dated her in high school. I didn't know her then, but I recognized the picture. This freaked me out too, as that friend is kind of a horn dog prone to misconduct. Fuck I feel sick just thinking about it.

I'm like, I know, you're not perfect Marc. But I certainly have a short list of sexual encounters, with none of her friends on it. Let it go. I think just typing it out might help ease my mind.

But she hangs out with a lot of guys. Some of them are shady characters. If anything ever happened to her, I'd feel so bad. I'm scared that she's putting herself at risk now more than I'm worried about her past. I don't want her to be as cynical as I can be, but a little healthy paranoia can save your life.

Oops, ok, maybe I made out with one of her friends a few years ago. But that was as far as it got. Well, I feel better now. Kinda articulated my thoughts a bit. Have a good one folks, I know I will,
-Marc

Sick Day

2008-12-30T12:58:00.007-04:00

Called in sick. It's good when the almost don't recognize your voice when you call. Quite congested. I'm supposed to take the train tomorrow morning. Feeling ill though, is it a good idea? I'd still like to go, but I could be contagious. Hopefully, it will pass quickly. I'm supposed to call her later, see what she thinks I guess. My shift for Friday was cancelled, today even, plenty of notice. I can stay until Sunday without missing any work.

My friend stopped by. We watched some Pure Pwnage. Good show. Another Canadian Internet comedy hit. He's supposed to head that way in the near future. I could probably catch a ride down with him. Especially if he heads down on Thursday, which would give me another day to lay around and try to get better. I'd probably want to be down there with my lady friend, but it might be the smart move to wait a day.

Doesn't maximize my time with her, but I don't know, I feel like my judgement is compromised somehow. Like I'm missing something. I'm so focused on getting to Moncton, I haven't thought of what comes next. New year and all, maybe I should give that some thought.

Still though, is it my health? Am I not seeing a decline in my health? Things sort of seem too good, knock on wood, to last. Maybe that's it, and I'm looking for what's going to go wrong next. They say you often find what you're looking for, so perhaps I should be looking for a positive outcome. Sounds like 'magical thinking', not really a safe way to exist, in my opinion. Too many dangerous possibilities.

It's almost midnight now, started this post early this morning, added to it later, and am finishing it up now. I arranged a drive down with my friend for tomorrow. I have the option of going to see a concert tomorrow night while my lady-friend/hostess is at work. 7-7, kinda shitty, but then she's off for four days or so. I am definitely nervous about the trip. I've never spent the weekend with a girl like this. Although, the last time we hung out, I stayed with her two nights in a row.

It's back to the good nervousness. The "I'm going, let's see what happens!" instead of the "Will I go? What's going to happen? Am I making a mistake?" variety. I'm pretty up-and-down lately. It could be the sickness. Could be, but I doubt it.

I had an idea today, about a story where the penguin population has exploded due to global warming. This leads to a threatening amount of penguins, and the toppling of human civilization. Perhaps known amongst the survivors as 'the great penguin war' or 'great penguin defeat'. I imagine it looking somewhat similar to the simpsons episode where dolphins rise up and drive human kind into the ocean. Maybe someday, I'll flesh out the details.

Happy New Year cosmos. May random find you well.

-M

Uppy-dup-date

2008-12-29T22:27:00.006-04:00

Last night, I drank myself sick. The bathroom was full, so I had to throw-up in the kitchen sink. It was unpleasant, thick, probably from cake. I rinsed it down the sink, smoked a few yetis, and headed to bed.

I woke up early, as is customary with alcohol induced sleep. I didn't feel bad, but I had a weird dream. I was working back at the hotel where I was the night auditor. Only the inside was all different. The lobby looked like a restaurant two buildings up. The person working behind the counter was someone that never worked there, but that I had seen in passing at the bars over the holidays. We didn't speak though, not recently.

But in the dream, she was quite busy, glad to see me coming, as it meant she could soon leave. I looked around the busy lobby, people moving about, getting there breakfast, reading the paper, music coming from somewhere, a radio perhaps? I made myself a coffee I think, but the noise seemed to blend into a cacophonous hum. I walked out. If the person behind the counter said anything to me, I didn't here it.

This was immediately followed by a dream where I was at home, and was basically tricked into a home invasion. People asking for directions, making me clarify while someone sneaks around back. I got involved with a fictional woman in this dream, right around the time I realized I had let some undesirables into my home. It was like a double whammy of fan-hitting shit. I woke up covered in sweat. My heart was pounding. I was quickly relieved to find it had been a dream. I felt guilty for getting involved with this fictional woman, even in the dream, despite the fact the lady-friend and I have not discussed exclusivity.

This seemed to me to be a head's up. Like I was letting myself know; don't get too fucked up or do something stupid, this chick seems to like you, and you seem to like her. I am going to visit her for New Year's, actually I'm staying for a few days. If by the end of my visit, she hasn't gotten tired of me, nor I of her, I'll probably suggest we change our facebook relationship statuses. Fuck that sounds lame. I think she'll like it though.

Girls seem to like lameness in a normally cool guy. Modesty is not required either. Fuck eh, what a difference though. Two weeks ago I was hating myself just hoping for a change, now, I've got something to be doing. Something I want to be doing.

My job is pissing me off. I've been there for over a year now, with no raise. I mean, I got my probation period ending raise, but not the time-spent-with-the-company raise. When I was hired, I was told we could make our own hours, as long as we made ourselves available for 15 dialing hours a week. So I worked days, everyday of the week. Weekends off. Now, I'm going to be required to work shifts at least 5 hours in length, which requires me to take an unpaid lunch, starting at 6pm, 3 nights a week, plus one weekend shift. Quite different from my usual 11-3.

I realize I was working a small amount, probably not enough really, but it made the work tolerable. Now, I'm afraid I'm going to have to look for work elsewhere. I hope I find something good. Fucking call centres, though. They hide the unemployment rate. People work there, technically employed, but not making enough money to get by usually. Certainly not enough to make a career of it. It's much better than fast food in some ways. Like, you don't come home all greasy. But, it's hard on the head. Cooking the chicken at KFC doesn't require a whole of mental strain. Then again, I seem to recall being troubled by somethings there.

It must be my inquisitive nature.

pressure release

2008-12-28T22:50:00.007-04:00

Imagine an older version of yourself came from the future. Came back through time, to keep you from ending up as he did. He provides his lifetime of experience and knowledge at no cost to you, so that you might avoid the problems the future you faced. You might benefit from his experience, knowing beforehand about key events in history, and how to benefit from them. Suppose he was stuck in the past. He had nothing to do, but to hang out with you, making sure you got the point.

He'd drill you again and again, thinking he's doing you a great service. He'd train you to face the challenges that he knew lie ahead. You should be the best you that you could be. You'd know all the bad things you did, the regrettable things, and how to avoid them.

But the truth is this; once you made a single choice differently from the future you, perhaps even at the appearance of the future you, the knowledge the future you had is no longer valid. While major information may still be pertinent, the details of your life would inevitably be different, from the moment of intervention. The future you could offer only basic advice on how to conduct yourself. Any specific details, about people and situations you're yet to encounter, would be based upon your conduct and behaviour. Knowing, or at least having an idea about the future, would undoubtedly change your behaviour.

So, looking into the future, any real distance, is probably pointless.

***

(11:11pm)So my brother just informed me that word on the street is I'm gay. I show up at a bar with a lady, spend time with her, and people say I'm gay. When I was alone for a long time, no one said shit. Weird. I laughed though, I know what I like.

***

You could encode your predictions. Like old Nostradamus. Not the same though. Unless he too was visited by a future version of himself. One that spoke in code.

Fuck that; his predictions are so vague, you can apply them too easily to current events.

Basically what I'm saying is this; trying to predict the future, beyond a certain distance(say three days) is almost pointless.

I know, you could say 'Microsoft' to someone that could invest in it when it was cheap if you could travel through time, but would that really change your life? Time travel is so full of paradoxes, it's hardly worth exploring.

I'm fairly inebriated now. Courtesy of Tennessee. The sugar maple charcoal filtration process has me sold. I feel pretty confident now, but I wonder if I'll feel bad tomorrow. Fuck, those that are talking shit about me are certainly not close friends. What do I care what they think?

It's now 11:41pm and I'm feeling a little anxious. Everyone is still awake, and I am getting rapidly drunker. I don't want to rant at my family members, so I hope they go to bed soon. I probably work tomorrow(don't know for sure until tomorrow), so I should go to bed reasonably soon. But, as I once read, if one sleeps because of an alcohol buzz, when the buzz wears off, one wakes up. I have found this to be true in my own experience. And being that I don't want to wake up at 7 or earlier, and then try and sleep until work, I will try to stay up for a while longer.

11:46 now, I'm nodding off at the computer. The last drink I mixed must have been pretty strong. I did notice the pint was rather low that last drink I mixed, so, it isn't entirely surprising that I should feel drunk.

I best wrap this up now, as I'm more concerned with my buzz than my happenings. Have a good one, may random find you well.
\m/

Stream of thought

2008-12-27T07:38:00.005-04:00

Well, that was fun. I've barely slept for days now. I spent two nights in a row with my lady friend. With the ice already broken, we sort of picked up where we left off a few days ago. Much less alcohol consumption, more talking.

She wants me to go visit her for New Year's. I'm not sure what my schedule is, but I'd like to go. I really enjoyed my time with her. She's a fairly nervous person as well. It was funny, she said she was somewhat relieved when I didn't go down for a weekend last time I flaked out, because she was nervous about it. I smiled, because of course that's why I didn't go. Two peas in a pod she said.

We went to a local bar on Christmas Day, it was so packed, you literally had to wait an hour at the bar to get served. It was like 3 or 4 people thick all along the bar, so there was no getting around it. We didn't stay long. She said "You should come hang out with me" and I immediately said ok to that. It's funny, after a few days with little sleep, you'd think I'd be glad to get to my own bed. But no, it seems half-empty now.

Had an episode of vaso-congestion in that troublesome region. Quite painful. It passed quickly enough, over a few hours. Felt like the need to urinate initially.

Special thanks to theloadingdock for her sound advice. I guess I'm not a robot after all.

Now, I've got some new things to think about. May random find you well. I'm off to bed.
\m/

xmas eve update

2008-12-24T21:18:00.006-04:00

Ok, so, so far, so good.

I was slow to initiate, but that's always been an issue. Pretty awkward for a while there. Then it was good once the ice was broken. A little late, but actually still quite satisfying. She said something like; "I wouldn't have thought you'd be like, cuddly and stuff" I said, "Me either". She said, "What do you mean, you're not normally like this?" and I said "Normally, I'm alone".

We watched a bunch of cartoons and hung out all night and the next day until like 6pm. She's gone to do the family thing right now, but I may see her again tomorrow or on the 26th, before she head's back. I feel a little weird now, sort of exposed. I'm not sure if she enjoyed herself. She seemed to though, we made out this morning for a bit, light physical contact later.

I found myself talking about things I normally try to keep to myself. Family drug use, health, beliefs, the future, that sorta jazz. I don't know now how much of what I said was of substance. I hope I didn't talk too crazy. But we laughed a lot, good fun. She's pretty cool.

We didn't end up with the liquor we had intended, so we had to get creative with what was available. Imaginably, that lead to some upset stomachs. Energy drinks might not have been a great idea either. I needed to buy things to cash a check, but still, I could have got more cigarettes or something. So we were both pretty nervous, we're kind of nervous people, but the tension was fun, and then the newness was fun. Fuck it was hard to get over that hump though. A rush once you do though. Been a while.

I'm wondering now about my breath, we're my teeth clean enough, was I too sweaty, is there something I should be working on? Maybe I'll ask her about it.

Christmas tomorrow, that's fun. Got some gifts coming I don't know about, should be some good stuff. Pretty tired now, didn't sleep too well. Again; didn't mind. Will update in the future. Happy holidays.

stream of thort

2008-12-19T22:49:00.008-04:00

I sometimes feel like the guy lying down in the street in this video.

***

There was a line in Fear & Loathing, which was on last night, that struck me.

"A drug person can learn to cope with things like their dead grandmother crawling up their leg with a knife in her teeth"(not sure if it is an exact quote)

This made me realize hey; my crazy drug experiences are basically run of the mill, and pale in comparison to some heavy users' trips.

A fellow called me about doing some ecstasy yesterday. I told him I wasn't interested. I was quite proud of myself. I do like the beans from time to time, but it wasn't a good night. I want to be in good spirits for my 'date' next week. Don't want to risk dopamine depletion.

Looks good so far.

Haven't written anything hard copy yet. I've been busy. Holidays and all. Also nervous. Am I going to get too drunk? Talk too much? Premajack? Find her suddenly unattractive? Black out?

In the Templar, Arizona comic, there are these copy-books that float around town in cabs and waiting rooms and stuff. They are basically self-published magazines that people leave around town. I had thought of something similar a few years ago, but never bothered to assemble a copy. Perhaps now is a better time to look into this.

She got me something for Christmas. I hope it isn't mushrooms. They scare me. I mean, I'd like to have some for a rainy day, but I'd feel obligated to consume them immediately with her if she gave them to me. If I were to bad trip, well, it probably wouldn't be much fun. Not as much as it could be.

But then again, it could be really good. Feeling an emotional and almost psychic connection with my environment, and melding with another member of that environment. It could be really mind blowing, I suppose.

My luck though, she'd have to keep me from running out into the cold winter night and dying of exposure. *Sigh*. Not to mention the fact that I have very little money to even try and scrape together a gift for her. I'm thinking some green dragon, and maybe she'll accept sexual attention as a gift. If I can muster it. Heh heh. Ok, I've got the confidence boost of alcohol to aid me now.

She made sure that she is getting something we both like to drink, so I can rest easy that there will be something, but my biggest problem has always been initiating. Since I was too young to be interested in sex, I've been told things like no means no and you will go to jail and be raped yourself if you sleep with a drunk girl who later is unable to remember herself consenting and sexual transmitted diseases will kill you and having a child is a gigantic burden. Now, I'm nervous about having sex. I've almost always been way drunk when I've made sexual advances, successful or not. I've had more success drunk though, that much I can say. I suppose, we do sort of use too much innuendo and double-speak, at least in our youth, with regard to sex. Sometimes when I'm sober, I'll second guess myself into a corner, and just try and go home alone to not offend anyone. When I'm drunk, I'm more likely to flirt and build rapport and such. I still have a hard time closing the deal. Making physical contact. Demonstrating interest.

Is this just fear of rejection?

I worry too much.

I like the relationship in music between the notes. With guitar, I think of this as a fret-difference. A two or three fret difference, three frets higher and two frets lower(from a starting note) offer many different combinations. Slides between them, strum frequency, tap speed, et cetera. It's odd, like the shapes I find myself drawing when I do draw. I instinctively round out the edges, try and make smooth curves. I sometimes end up with shapes that turn up under microscopes, which is somewhat interesting. Coincidence?

I really enjoy the music of the band tool. It is hard to get into, especially if none of your friends like it (I imagine). But it pays off. It is dense music. Not just the instruments and the lyrics, but the relationships. The forethought in their construction of songs, their attention to detail, their terrific live shows, their humorous and cryptic interviews, all these things make tool the band that they are.

There is much to be said about tool, but now is not the time. Check out youtube for some awesome live clips.

I've run out of things to say better kept to myself, so I best end this post. May random find you well. I'll see you in the future. \m/

Kyuss

2008-12-19T21:50:00.004-04:00

Restless
Tireless
Incomprehensible

Psychotic
Smooth
Connection

Sly
Intuitive
Talent

stream of thought

2008-12-17T12:29:00.004-04:00

Ok, so that last post. Not my finest work. Or maybe it was. I don't even know anymore.

Hard time sleeping. Getting short with people. Impatient and intolerant too, though I'm keeping it to myself mostly. Perhaps I should speak up more when something is bothering me.

It's difficult to know when to speak up, and when to bite your tongue.

Plans moving around for the holidaze. Got some events lined up for next week. Trying to plan accordingly. Finances aren't great, but I've got a couple lifelines to bail me out until the cash flow resumes.

It's a hard time of year to work at a call centre.

What a boring blog. I should probably rant more. People say to write what you know, what do I know again? Call centre work, last in first out, deep frying chicken and potatoes, hotel clerk work, international phonetic alphabet, local air port codes, CPR, orienteering, how to use a paddle, how to start a fire, how to build a shelter in the woods, how to chop wood, how to swim, how to push start a standard transmission vehicle, how to find the North Star, how to tell your fortune using standard playing cards, how to bust up a pill for ease of consumption, how to roll a joint, how to change guitar strings, how to change a flat-tire, how to make some tasty french toast, how to clean a toilet, how to tell if I'm tripping, how to bust up morning glory seeds for ease of consumption, how to use a snow blower, how to make a molotov, ok, maybe I'm just reaching now. But I know a lot of varied things, I guess, was my point.

Choosing a topic can be....

Fuck, this is garbage. I think I need another hiatus to develop some ideas. I've got a few ideas perhaps not well suited for this blog format. Perhaps ideal for it, but either way, I'm going to write them out the old fashioned way, hard-copy, pen and paper style. Exercise my demons. Yes I mean exercise.

Bust out the Dr.Grip, it's been a while since it more than doodled or jotted. Yeah, I know what kind of pen I use.

I still haven't gotten that confidence boost, but this time next week, I should be annoyingly confident. After a few days, I should resume a more normal mode of thought, but perhaps with a new elevated baseline. Here's hoping.

I think I have been positive in outlook as of late. I am looking at the future with excitement, and not fear. Well some, but more excitement. My birthday is between Christmas and new year's as well, I usually don't plan on doing much, as hardly anyone is up for it, but I have been surprised before. It could be a pretty kick-ass holiday season.

Happy holidaze everyone, may random find you well. I'll 'see' you in the future.
\m/

12/13/08, Drinking with the blog

2008-12-12T22:55:00.008-04:00

Eagles of Death Metal. Not drunk enough yet. Only on number two. 11:03pm

It's now 11:36pm. Just poured number four.

Oh my GOD! It's a MIRAGE! I'm tellin Y'ALL it's SABOTAGE!

Fuck, it feels like I never listen to music anymore. Well, I do when I'm drinking, which is still more often than some people listen to music. But it seems like I used to always have music going. In the car, between classes, at work, walking, anywhere, anytime. Always listening to something. Seems nowadays I'm more interested in my own thoughts than listening to music. Not that the two necessarily conflict, but sometimes it can be hard to think if a sound is bothering you. Distracting you I should(and did) say. I've mentioned many times now my affections for CBC radio. But keep that on the DL eh? I read books too, while we're talking about things that can paradoxically handicap you. You know what I mean, how in some circles, people wear ignorance like a badge. The most ignorant fuck of them all is usually the one talking. Perhaps this is a personal and not universal observation. But where I come from, you best hide your smarts. I right laughed out loud at that. See last post for further insight.

Started reading a new web comic today, or maybe yesterday. Yeah, yesterday. It's called Templar, Arizona. It's pretty interesting. I'm not all the way caught up yet, you're going to want to start from the start if you take a look at it. I was notified of a shirt with a picture of a bottle of pills in the middle, with "science will save me from myself" written around it in a circle. The shirt is somehow related to the comic, and as I liked the shirt, I decided to give it a read. I might be hooked. Add this to my favourites with Basic Instructions (Scott Meyer) and Buttercup Festival (David Troupes). I think Spike, the person responsible for Templar, Arizona is a fan of the band Clutch. The second volume of the series is called Mob Goes Wild, which is a Clutch song from the album Blast Tyrant. Good song. Good band. They get my seal of approval.

Note; do not open two years worth of web comics without restarting your computer. This is especially true is you are using a computer that is over a year old. It's gonna crash any second I think. Luckily, blogger will bail me out. 12:10am, now Saturday technically, just mixed number five.

I love that sweet Tennessee.

12:29am, closing Internet Explorer, I can't take this slowness. Videos on youtube look like slide-shows.

12:55am, I'm back. I watched a long video though, the Angry Video Game Nerd's Mario 3 video. It also talks about the movie the wizard, and features super mecha death Christ 2000 BC version 4.0 BETA. It's funny if you owned an NES and Mario 3 when they were new. Maybe even if you didn't.

My mom worked until midnight tonight. When she got home, she made me guess who she had a smoke with. It was an old friend of mine from high school. I really enjoyed her company, but I don't think we spent much time alone together. There was a few times when we were close, story of my life, but nothing came of it. She wrote something on the grad picture she gave me that more-or-less said I was the smartest guy in school. I was surprised. Not because I thought it was untrue, but that she was able to see it. There was this other guy, one of my good friends, who has fucked me over many-a-time, he was the president of the student council. He was probably regarded as the smartest amongst us publicly, but we were on the same page for most things. I distinctly remember helping him understand especially abstract concepts. We had a good mushroom buzz together one time where we rehashed the last few years(at the time). It was a good entertaining buzz, and we connected on some level, but over time of course, it faded. That's the thing with drugs; sometimes they work, sometimes they don't. This in itself is a very complicated concept, especially within my context. Like, mushrooms may work, and give you a buzz, but that doesn't necessarily mean you'll grow as a person from it. Or maybe it does. It's all relative I guess. We all measure progress and success in different ways. Hell, if I post something here, I consider it a productive act. I don't know if I'm really contributing much. I know I have one reader(shout-out to theloadingdock ), but do I weigh on her mind like a burden? I hope not. I know she occasionally derives insight from my writings, which is good, but more often expresses concern at my state of being. Is this a reflection on me or her? Ok, it's now 1:14, and I am feeling fairly inebriated. So, take a grain of salt now with what I say.

But I don't rightly know what I want from this blog. A revenue stream would be nice, but if I had a large audience, I'd probably freeze up. Like I did at dosenation.com. I posted a few articles, but once I started to get some serious comments and feedback, I froze up. Not because the comments we're negative, but because I wasn't sure I should be influencing these people. Now, here's where theloadingdock tells me I'm a good person, but she doesn't know me. Not that I'm a horrible person, but I take a fair amount of drugs, I've done things I feel bad about, and my future seems bleak. I've not given up, but I get jostled all the time. My dad shit on me the other day about not finishing university and choosing classes that start later in the day. I had a few days a week where I started at 3:30pm, so I could sleep in, and I said I had planned it that way. And he said something like; "Yeah, well, maybe that's why you're living at home with your parents working four hour shifts that are getting cancelled all the time..." basically that's it. I didn't really say much about it, as it wasn't entirely unprovoked, but I did go out and buy a bottle of booze. That seems to be my thing, I won't say anything, at least not if you're providing me free room and board, but you'll know I'm not happy. I hardly spoke to him at all until I was drunk. He's a recovering alcoholic by the way.

Why do I do this? Maybe my actions hurt as much as his words. Though, my actions are more drawn out and take longer to process. Does that make me cruel? Well, who made me what I am? Ok, I'm getting too deep into my own head now. Time for a commercial.

Fuck, don't those eHarmony commercials bum you out? Me too.

I was talking to my brother today. He's at college for the first time this fall, and he's having a rough go of it apparently. I've asked him about it many times, but this is the first he's mentioned of it being rough. It might be overshadowing my thoughts.

I hope he sticks it out, or switches to something he likes and get a degree in that. I understand his frustration though. I paid thousands of dollars to go to school when I was learning more at home on wikipedia and google and using the university's access to paid articles. I bought text books for classes I wasn't taking because I wanted to read them. That's how I roll. I come to class and listen, to try and learn. I never understood the people that came to class and played poker on their laptops.

Admittedly, I was somewhat shy and not fond of asking questions. Perhaps if I returned, I would be more confident, just being older than most of my classmates. I fell prey to the temptation to drink too much last time I went to school. Also, my classes were so varied; philosophy, calculus, astronomy and Latin. No wonder I stopped going to class.

I probably want to write. I do like the cbc, and radio offers a similar opportunity to communicate with language. And working at call centers, more than once I have been told I have a good voice and should look at radio or voice acting or something. I usually don't take too much stock in it, but it's happened a few times now, I'm starting to think they might be right.

Revisit the problem mentioned before; should I be influencing people? My experience in life has certainly not been typical, then are my insights not useful to typical people? Like, most people don't need to know how to deal with an existential crisis. Oh my god, the world is an illusion, I don't exist, there's no good and bad, choice is an illusion, et cetera.

For me, this comes in handy. It's usually just a matter of breathing deep and riding out the weirdness. I'm all over the place tonight. Contradicting myself, talking like a fool, talking too much. My instincts are telling me to end the post and go play some Call of Duty. But what do they know.

I think it would be funny as hell to see someone walking all psychotic, maybe dancing slightly, while the chicken dance is playing. Picture it now. Eyes narrowed, head barely moving, slight jerks in the arms and legs. Never moving the eyes. Smiling like a lunatic. What, is that funny? Or fucked up?

Seems I'm moving backwards.

The comic; Templar, Arizona. The main dude, Ben Kowalski, he has this encounter that sort of wakes him up. A terrorist/protester ends up stuck outside the window of his apartment. He ends up letting the guy in, and the guy pretty much leaves right away. But Ben comes away with a sense of confidence; he could have been killed by this outlaw, but no harm came to him. He faced a challenge independent of his family, and persevered.

I think I could use a good confidence boost. I don't know what would do it. I suppose, if I, like Ben in the comic, became a professional writer, like, to pay the bills, I would probably enjoy that. Even in the comic, Ben doesn't have a degree in journalism. I think he hasn't even graduated from high school. He takes pills to manage some sort of mental disorder(I think). He doesn't get out much. He's a lot like me. I don't take pills for any diagnosed mental disorders, but I do have problems with insomnia sometimes, and occasionally resort to pills. Usually Benadryl, but sometimes, if I have access to prescriptions medications, I'll go with benzos.

Prescription medication; at least you know what you're getting.

2:16 am, I'm on drink number 6 or 7 or 8, I don't really know. I drank at least a third of a quart. Or, a 750 ml bottle. I think that's a quart. Crazy Americans. Though I will give you this; height and weight are more descriptive in your system. Of people anyway. For small weights(IE; grams) metric is preferred.

I'm sort of running out of steam here. Not too much else to say right now. I hope I didn't offend my reader by anticipating her response. May random find you well.
\m/
(2:22AM)

Funny, but fucked up too.

2008-12-08T02:57:00.006-04:00

Anxious. Seeing shadows, like tracers but reflections of the actual instead of a visual echo. Intermittent. The benadryl I took? The coffees I drank earlier? I am on my third drink containing Green Dragon. The project has been a success. The product does taste strongly of the additive. A higher quality additive would likely yield an even better result. I look forward to repeating this.

I called that lady-friend of mine. We spoke for a while. It was alright. I don't think I said anything offensive or acted too weirdly. We're supposed to hang-out some around the holidays. Let's hope I don't flake out. I did talk about video games a bit, like, I said something about how I don't like the phone ringing while I'm playing video games. She made a sarcastic comment, I followed suit, we laughed. Like all is well, but don't be hooked on the machine there. Which is reasonable I suppose.

Talked about a band from our hometown, she felt the same way I did about their music without my prompting her. That was kinda cool.

Not sleeping much lately. Anxiety related, thin curtains don't help much either. Staying up too late as well. Sleep debt might be making me feel bad. Can't help.

I remember one time I stayed awake for two or three days drinking coffee and pepsi. I went for a walk the second night, and everything seemed to be shrouded in thick fog. I couldn't see the end of the street I was on the fog was so dense. Things may also have been shiny, covered in frost, but that may be a false memory. Anyway, when I came in, I asked my roommates about the fog, and they looked at me funny and asked "What fog?". I figured it was probably about time to get to sleep then.

That was a strange time in my life. After I had a particularly bad idea, I woke up in the hospital unable to speak at a normal rate. It was like I was a skipping cd almost. Like I'd have to stutter through everything I said. This lasted an hour or two. I went home to sleep as soon as I was able to.

After 6 hours of sleep or so, I woke up, glad to be alive, and back to normal(or so I thought). I could now speak at a normal rate once again, and being that it was Halloween, I headed out to the liquor store with my roommates for the start of the night's festivities.

Over the next three days. I met a homeless person, who offered me a dorito. I ate it, though I do not like doritos, as he had just told me about stabbing a guy who tried to take his sleeping spot. I also was walking trying to figure out if I was alive or dead, and what should I see? A dead fox. I think it was a fox, maybe a raccoon or something similar. Anyway, it was dead right in the middle of the sidewalk. It must have been hit by a car or something, as it looked like it had hit the sidewalk pretty hard. I remember walking, being unsure if I was in some sort of coma dream, if the hospital really just sends you on your way after a crazy possible od with no instructions or anything. Not even a 'take it easy for a few days'. And I almost walked on this dead animal. And I had to stop in my tracks for a second and kind of gape. It was like this;
"So, you think you're dead eh? Well, I'll show you dead" *cue carcass* "There, that's dead. See? You're not like that fucker now are you? Now get to living and stop peering into the void that is your blackout. Somethings are blacked out for a good reason." And so, I went on my way.

Every time I try and really figure out the details of what happened, I end up blacking out again, with another mystery to solve. It's frightening. So, I try to just accept that I am alive, as I seem to be, try not to worry about the past, as it's over, and I can't change it, but also learn from it, even if you don't remember. How do you do that you ask? Hopefully, your subconscious retained the necessary information for you to benefit from your experiences, regardless of whether or not you remember them, and is able to relay that information to you through intuition or gut feelings.

I made something up today, and my lady-friend said, well, you learn something knew everyday. I had a flash like, everything was once a thought or idea, and the person that first had the thought figured it was just and idea, just something they came up with. Not a piece of vital information that would change history. Like the first guy that suggested maybe the earth goes around the sun. Everyone had a good laugh, except for one person in the room, who was like; "That's it! Eureka!". Like in fight club, when Bob dies, and the narrator says that his name was Robert Paulson, and then the whole idea gets taken out of hand to mean something totally different than intended. Probably why Kurt Cobain killed himself. It was just too much attention. Like you can't shit profundity. If you watch anyone long enough, you will find things to scrutinize. But if you love them too much, you perhaps let these things slide, even glorify them. Like when you tell stories that make you laugh sometimes, but make you sad others. Like it's funny, but it's fucked up too. That's life I guess.

What do I know anyway

2008-12-03T00:12:00.009-04:00

Been drinking again. At least four hours tonight already. Still, I am walking straight, not slurring. If anything, I am able to speak more easily. No stumbling over my words, or sudden loss of confidence. That stuff just happens when I'm nervous. Unfortunately, that is far too often.

I had a dream recently. I was at a party, I knew most if not all of the people there. I'm not sure where I was, I seem to remember brown furniture, or at least earthy colours, like green and brown, leading towards fall I think. Orange and red, but not overly bright, muted colours.

I remembering having a giant glass, one of those brandy snifters that looks as big as a fishbowl. I mixed myself a drink with a lot of some sort of liquor and maybe some red juice, I assume fruit punch. Being so large, I was able to mix a rather strong drink. I think the liquor was clear, and I'm leaning towards coconut rum, as I saw someone drinking coconut rum straight on tv recently.

When I woke up, I immediately looked around for my giant drink. Unfortunately, it was nowhere to be found. Now, what is this dream telling me? Is it a reminder that drinking is a large part of socializing, hence the over sized glass? I think I was having fun, walking around, chatting it up, ranting here and there. I don't remember any of the conversations. What I do remember is feeling good, and having a big ole drink with me.

I've never taken a whole lot of stock in my dreams, as they are often abstract and difficult to interpret. A nice straight-forward "These are the lottery numbers for tomorrow's draw" dream would be alright with me.. But alas, I usually end up in some weird boot camp, flying above power lines or...

Wait a second, my other recurring dream, the one where I'm in a large house with secret passageways in it. That was in the same cluster of dreams. You know, how you usually have like 3 or 4 dreams a night, well, this drinking party dream may have overlapped with the secret passageway dream. Was the party in the house with the passageways? Does the house represent my own psyche? Perhaps an afterlife I am building for myself? Forgotten dreams? Lost hopes? What is it? Is it the divine? My sense of faith?

I was recently rummaging through some of my things, when I came across a note my mother had written for me. It was from when I was only six or seven years old. She had put it in a box for me to see when I am older(well done mom). The note said basically, that she had picked me up from school, and when we were leaving, my teacher asked if I was too old for a hug, and I said of course not, hugged her, and headed home. On the way home, apparently I commented that the teacher had asked a silly question. This touched my mom so much, she wrote this note for me to read later, saying how she was glad that I am affectionate and like to be that way.

This hurt me a bit to read.

I'm not much for hugs nowadays. I know, why not? They're simple embraces, a sign of affection, what's the big deal? My genitals are a foot from yours, that's the big deal. I feel your tits against my chest, and I can barely think. I know, it's horrible. That's not the idea at all, but it's not a conscious thing on my part. It's like, if I'm really down, like I 'need a hug' or whatever, and then I get one, I'm like, that's better, you fucking emotional cripple. Why can't you just be normal? Why is everything such a big fucking deal? Then I feel bad for making someone else concerned about me, like I'm wasting their time. I should be able to fix myself myself. After all, wasn't it my actions and choices that got me here?

If you believe in free will that is.

Maybe I should call my blog breaking the beams, or reality decoded.

For clarity; I am in a good mood actually. I'm frustrated that I'm barely working, and next week I'm going to feel the crunch, but really, I'm quite enjoying my time off. My ears could use a few days sans headphones to recover. Long story.

I guess understanding and food for thought make me happy. And I've been turning over that whole gas giant ignition plan as well as my use of alcohol and my involvement with a certain individual of the opposite sex. Lots of things to think about. But am I just avoiding thinking about my own future? My own life plans, or lack thereof?

I've been thinking about the delay in Cassini's mission until 2012. If at the time, they choose to send it into the atmosphere of Saturn, causing ignition, thawing our friendly solar neighbourhood Titan moon, coinciding with the alignment of the Earth, Sun, and galactic center, then they may be able to, like, really pull off something great. To those science oriented, it would be a major triumph, a feat unmatched by any previous civilization, pyramids or not. To those religiously oriented, it could be seen as a second coming, a second sun, instead of a second incarnation of a son. Even the new agers can get behind a shift to the fifth age of humanity/civilization/existence in general. If they time it right, and it works, it could really be a unifying thing.

Let's say, as a matter of unforeseen consequences, the Earth experiences an onslaught of radiation. There's no way everyone would be killed. Those that remain would have not only the Earth, but potentially the moon Titan as a hospitable environment to colonize. Perhaps we might even evolve a way to cope with radiation. Wouldn't that be great. We could save tons of money in space suits if we didn't need to shield ourselves from radiation.

I know, it's morbid, and calculating, but it might be inevitable. If it might work, we're going to try. No two ways about it. We weren't sure that an atomic bomb wouldn't destroy the Earth, but we tested them anyway. It's a risk worth taking. What do you want for your future; Star Trek? Or Mad Max?

Think about that for a while.

Changing the subject now; frequently, when I think about the past, it pains me. I remember innocence and ignorance, and how much easier life was as an ignorant teenager. How I could just jam out a song, and enjoy it, even if it was incredibly simple. Now, it has to be perfect. I've been playing with the same riff for months, I can't come to a conclusion on it. Or maybe I can; I'm not good enough to play it.

A few years ago, I assembled a few poems I had written into a coherent album. A friend and I laid down the first two tracks, and then nothing. We were too into drugs, and we had a falling out. Now, I can't trust the guy. I couldn't turn my back on him without feeling uneasy, even with a cop in the room. It might be because we did so many drugs together, but I think there's more to it. I had an insight about the guy, and it rang true. It even reminded me of old warnings I had heard about him, but wrote off at the time as groundless. Now, in retrospect, they seem all too up his alley.

But, the thing is, he wrote the music for my words. It hurts to admit, but he did a good job too. He was always good at coming up with riffs. And now, he's in a band with three of my friends, where he is the singer. In my opinion, his lyrics are a bunch of bullshit, that's not his forte. I was insulted that my friends never even considered asking me to be the singer for the band. They asked this joker. Now, I can't listen to them play anymore, I just want to smash my head in. It sounds like the singer is on fire, he seems so tormented. I don't know what his deal is, I tried to find out, but he wasn't forthcoming. I just got worried for myself and my family and I made the smart move I think, to stop hanging around with this dude. All we did was drugs. And he overstayed his welcome. It's like fuck, go home! I'm going to bed now, leave my living room you fucker.

Ahh I don't know, I hate to be even discussing this. It's like, I'm pretty sure I made the right call. Now, my friends in the band don't have a problem with him, but I figure that in time, his nature should become undeniable. They should eventually see what I saw.

I sort of hope I am wrong, this fellow is nothing but good, and I've made a terrible mistake. But, I also think, that is what he'd want me to think. Fall back into a destructive routine, and a few months down the road, we're signing a suicide pact in blood and ODing on whatever we can get our hands on. No thanks, I'd rather not take the risk.

The blog is my shrink today. I will vent my troubles and hope that the weight comes off my mind.

So, where am I at now? I don't like to let people get too close, physically or emotionally. The more you care, the more you get hurt. I'm trying to be health conscious, but I have a hard time dealing with my family, which leads me to consume substances, which affects my health negatively. Going on six hours since I started drinking now.

I feel like I'm reaching a breaking point though, where it is getting to be too hard to stay with my parents and watch them fight and worry about their troubles and my brother's troubles and my uncle's as well, let alone my own. I'm worried though, that if I move out, I'll end up drunk all the time again until shit blows up in my face. Or, I'll isolate myself from my family and friends, and end up being relatively healthy, but antisocial, and just stay home and play video games all day. Fucking grim futures the both of them.

I suppose, when my parents die, there will be life insurance, and inevitable change. But I'm really not waiting for that, at least I hope not.

I'm so evil sometimes.

Props to MC Chris. And HORSE the band. Keep up the good works lads.

I remember listening to Relationship of Command, the At the Drive-In album, back in first year university, that was some good times. I cranked arcarsenal for the last two minutes of 'loud hour' during exam week. Good times.

I think my thought train has reached the end of the line for tonight. Now, go eat a grain of salt. May random find you well.
\m/

Update;
Slight hangover. New Dreams today. Fighting with father, as he put my food on the table instead of a plate, and when I asked him why, he played dumb, then said, well, you should do more for me. I got mad at him, but in the dream it all seemed foolish. I yelled at him, and he looked sad, but my examples were poor. I cited things I'd like to do but can't rather than things I am able to do, and have done as of late.

Also, there was another dream. I was at a Doctor's office. We seemed to speak only briefly, and then time seemed to skip ahead. The doctor held a chart indicating my health concerns(IRL, not just in the dream) and had outlined my treatment. They said something like this and this will clear up right away, this and this will take a little longer. Was I to receive chemo? Or was it just an antibiotic? I will try to remember.

And when they were down, they were down.

2008-12-02T00:15:00.005-04:00

The grand old Duke of York,
He had ten thousand men.
He marched them up to the top of the hill
And he marched them down again.

And when they were up, they were up;
And when they were down, they were down.
But when they were only halfway up,
They were neither up nor down!

-The Grand Old Duke of York

Ever get the feeling, that you missed the boat? You fucked up, and it's too late to go back and fix it. You'll never get ahead of your problems, you'll never feel financially secure. You'll worry until you give yourself a stroke or a septic ulcer. You'll die, and leave behind a poverty stricken family, grieving and ashamed parents, or worse, people will just be glad you're gone.

Three shifts in a row cancelled at work, and I thought my numbers were up, I'm in the good. Christmas is coming, it'll be lean this year. We'll have some good food and all, but not much in the way of presents. That's ok though, it's just stuff. I feel worse about not being able to buy my family what I'd like to for them. I just can't afford it. I haven't really asked for much myself, just some pants. I don't feel like I need anything else really. I don't even want anything. I feel undeserving.

Fuck I hate this defeatist attitude shit. It's like, fuck off Marc, so what if you like to get drunk and you don't like to get close to people. It hurts when you try to change. Maybe stop trying to force yourself to meet others' expectations!

Oh me, but I don't want to disappoint my parents. What if I do something stupid? What if I get myself killed? I can't do that to them.

I want to get away, to get my own place again, but what if I just do the same shit? End up in the same hole I was in. I'll end up owing more money and in worse physical condition than I'm in now. Not to mention, with my shifts getting cancelled, it's not like I could afford it with my current employment.

*sigh*

But I don't want to change!

Well, I guess I do, but not too much. If I change my behaviour to blend in, is that lying to myself? It's like I don't even know what I want. Fucking TV has me convinced I want a super-model girlfriend, a sports car, and a job with a gun. I'm not so sure I'm cut out for any of that. I'd like to not worry so much. I could see a shrink and get some benzos for that probably, but would that leave me any better off? Or just numb to the fact I should be worrying?

"It's relentless,

Invisible,

Indefatigable,

Indisputable,

Undeniable,

So how come it looks so beautiful?"

Like the song aenima(I'm too lazy to get the ae blendy character), it seems to accept the eventual destruction of our creations, and perhaps even enjoy it. Something I can relate to. Listening to the radio, CBC, talking about plastic bags and advertising to children, in a comedic debate format. It was a little fucked. It's was funny at the time, but in retrospect, it's some serious shit to be joking about. This coming from the guy that enjoys a good cannibalism joke.

One remark that struck me was that advertising to children is like hunting; only one party really knows it's involved.

I think it's time for some nine inch nails. Warm-up with a little perfect drug. A little light listening before I dive into the fragile. Damn, need the new flash player. I must have a virus, no way that shit is updated this often. My computer is running so slowly. It's agonizing. I just want to hear a song. It would literally be over by now. While I'm waiting, Id like to vent about the Wii.

I am a brainwashed fanboy, but man, I wish Nintendo would make the Wii work a little better. How about updating the Internet channel now and then, so we can play videos on the tee-vee. And the friend codes, come on, so annoying. At least let us detect we friends using the same game, rather than needing a friend code for the console and each game. That's too much. And how about some chat? The Wii-speak best work well. Although, it's too late for call of duty.

And to the players of World of War for the Wii; you fucking morons! Get out of my way! When I stab you, that means move so I can fucking get outta here, you're blocking the only exit, and you're going to get us both killed with you incompetence. And don't vote to skip the level in the last 10 seconds, the whole point of skipping the level is to skip the 40 second intermission. We is some impatient mother-fuckers that play this game long enough to roll over our prestige. To explain further, when you vote to skip at the last second, it will reset the clock by about 20 seconds, making you wait again. If you vote quickly, you just skip the intermission, and go right to the 'game is starting' screen, where the names are already separated into teams. Then it's like 10 seconds to wait, 10 seconds to start the round, and you're back in action.

I fucking knew it! The video still won't open. Fucking flash. Fucking Windows. Fucking life. ARRGGHH!

But yeah, Call of Duty, that's a good way to kill some time. Fucking sharpens the mind. I beat the first head shot challenge for the kar98k or whatever it's called today. That was fun. Got my KDR over 1.0. It was low cuz I let my brother and his friend play a bunch one weekend. No worries though, it's not like I'm anywhere near the top ten.

There, got some nine inch nails going finally. Not working though, going to have to go right for the fragile I guess. "Where is everybody?". There we go. Crank it a bit. My ears don't work so well when I've been drinking. Or maybe I'm used to the super-hearing of being way high on weed. As mentioned previously, I'm drinking to reduce my smoking. It has other benefits as well, other side effects too.

Good and bad, like everything.

Lost in the song for a minute.

I know what's next. "Into the void".

I read recently about a plan to try and ignite the gas giants in our solar system. To try and build a second sun basically. And I've gotta say; it sounds interesting. Melt Europa or Titan, make another Earth, all ready for settling. What's the worst that could happen? Radiation overload? Life would evolve. Maybe not humans, but something would. Ok, maybe that's a pretty bad worst case scenario. Still, not so bad to totally give up on the idea.

Just some food for thought.

Saturn ascends indeed.

The crazy depressing songs of Trent Reznor always make me feel better about feeling bad. Not really feeling better, but that hey, I'm not that only one disappointed with myself, life, and the human race.

"Tried to save myself but my self keeps slipping away"

Time is a one-way street for all intents and purposes. What's grown crooked cannot be made straight, that was in a Thom Yorke song earlier I think. Maybe that explains why I can't straighten shit out. Can't put stuff together neatly. It doesn't fit neatly. Kinda abstract now, not totally sure what I mean. I will consult this in the future.

For now, I will conduct myself as usual. Trying to steer my actions in a harm reducing manner. I'm repeating myself, aren't I? There's no right answer but to proceed. Maybe choice is an illusion, doesn't mean the ride isn't fun. You don't steer the roller coaster, but you can still enjoy the ride.

Mediocre day

2008-11-25T19:29:00.003-04:00

Mediocre day.
Started out alright. Work dragged on, thought about call of duty. Kinda weird, I know, but man that's a good game. I found a few others online with similar gaming addictions. I'm not full out hooked yet, but if I rollover my prestige even once, I could be found dead with a controller in my hands. Not literally of course, in time I'll probably get bored. Like drugs and porn. Oh wait...

Nah, really though, I will. And as far as drugs go, I stick to weed mostly, so it's sorta like the shock(of getting high) wears off and you find a healthy mode of consumption for yourself. Tripping was fun for a while, stimulants are ok from time to time, and I'm glad I know what different pills do, but I don't need these things in my life. Certainly not on a regular basis.

I think alcohol is a worthy addition to my arsenal. If I rely on weed too heavily for all my relaxation, my respiratory tract just can't handle it. I cough a lot and my throat hurts. If I drink some times, and smoke sometimes, or do both in moderation, the total load on my body is more evenly distributed amongst my organs, allowing them more time to recover.

I have internal conflict about this though, as my father is an alcoholic, and my mother abstains from drinking almost entirely without any problems, and has always tried to discourage me from drinking. But if for the last 2 generations at least, maybe more, my direct ancestors have consumed alcohol on a regular basis, would not it stand to reason that I might be genetically inclined to consume alcohol? Perhaps even designed for it? I've brought this up before, usually dismissing it as wishful thinking. But here I am again, only slightly intoxicated, and already I am able to write more easily. The loosening of the tongue provided by alcohol is at times invaluable.

But then I wonder, do I really agree with what I say or write while intoxicated? Or am I just thinking aloud? Even so, why can't I do this in a more sober state of mind? I think it's probably boring to review my sober thoughts. Worries about money, health, career, the usual. I get stoned and I think about the universe, time, the Earth, mankind, society, computers, technology, religion, morality, physics, meteorology, astronomy, science fiction, all that fun stuff. It seems a waste of time to worry about my near future, when I could be "building a Utopian society in my head. and what are you talking about, fucking bowling?"(Doug Stanhope). Or something to that effect anyway.

2 Hours later, I watched House and Fringe. I right called fringe early on. I was like; "Bufotoxin from a cane toad, mind over matter". They never said cane, but they said a toxin from a common toad, and they did say mind over matter. A few beers later too now, typos troublesome.

Still never really talked about Call of Duty/tetris effect. I'm going to give it some more time to develop I think, observe more symptoms before I start my report. I think it's been too long since I started this post, it has lost its flow.

All in all, still a mediocre day...
...Leaning to positive.
\m/

30 minute max

2008-11-24T20:00:00.003-04:00

I've only got a bit of time before the tv gets started for the night. Finally we get grown-up Jeopardy! again. Followed by NBC's Monday night lineup.

So, I was reading about volcanoes and meteorites. I was wondering if like an impact crater might pop out like a volcano. Maybe not in the same place, or even the same time, but there should be an equal but opposing reaction. If the Earth was made of rubber, it would seem obvious I think.

At the same time that I was reading these things, I read a little about geology. Apparently we are living in the Quaternary period as far as geologists are concerned. Essentially, the fourth age. I don't know off hand what the first three were, probably the different continental layouts(Pangaea et cetera). Now, knowing what we do about the tzolkin calender, and the coming date of December 21st, 2012, this proved interesting.

The ancient Maya believed also that we were living in the fourth age of the Earth. Furthermore, their calender system predicted a time when we would move from the fourth to the fifth age of existence. Are we seeing any correlation among unrelated fields? An ancient civilization conquered by Spain in the late 17th century corresponding with current geological thought. After some quick consulting, the thought might not be so current, but no one has suggested that we have moved to the fifth age yet.

And the Maya had predictions for dates after December 21 2012, so, don't get too worried.

Obsidian is a form of volcanic glass. Thousands of years ago, stone age man made primitive weapons using the sharp edges of broken obsidian. Now, modern man uses obsidian, a material used before metal, to perform cardiac surgery. The blade is much sharper than even surgical steel, even when viewed under an electron microscope. It may even produce less noticeable scars and inflammatory cells than steel. How's that for full circle?

All done with minutes to spare. I think I covered everything I wanted to. Oh shoot, the call of duty 'tetris-effect'. I'll mention that next time.
\m/

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Obsidian#Current_use
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tetris_effect

reading ranting writing

2008-11-21T22:39:00.007-04:00

So, at some point, mankind diverged from chimpanzees, some one and a half to three million years ago, when we were using the first tools we ever had, known as Oldowan. There are artifacts from as long as 2.6 million years ago that have been found. Did we even have thumbs yet? Then we used the same primitive shit for like a million years(literally) before we got innovative. Correction; oldowan or the oldest recognizable tools, just rocks and stick don't count I guess.

The pocket may have been the greatest thing ever invented. So useful. Bong's are pretty impressive too. It seems though that a sharp edge proved invaluable to primitive human kind. For the working of animal carcasses certainly. Eventually woodworking and clothes-making made use of sharps. Ropes and strings certainly came in handy.

It's amazing to think how far we've come from our beginnings. How long was it before we developed a water-skin? Or a jar? So common and so obviously useful. Imagine if you had no way to carry liquids. Craziness. A cup would have been first I imagine, dug out of wood. Then maybe a lid for it, so you could carry it without having to worry about spilling it. Again, pockets, so useful. Bags and a backpack, wow do they make carrying things more efficient. Imagine no bags! If you want to bring something, you'd need to carry it in your arms or balance it on your head or shoulders, or kick it along I suppose.

These early tool-makers were predominantly right-handed. Interesting to note how old lateralization is.

The notion of foraging and saving food for the future and an awareness of time's passing and a preparation for it must have taken quite some time to work out. Save meat for the future, get sick die. Whoops, wrong thing there. Play with fire, cook meat, save some, get sick, but live. Learning.

We watched birds and bugs until we figured out flying.

Imagine the first person to paint a picture. They probably accidentally touched something with dirty hands. Hey, that looks like the food-animal I eat. I'll just touch it here, and there we go, meat-beast portrait. I can imagine someone accidentally drawing the face of a dead loved one, and being terrified. What a strange feeling it would be, having never seen a picture, to draw something yourself. What kind of madness would it have seemed to continue producing this earliest art amidst the chaos of everyday life?

Writing the first song.

Plucking the first string instrument.

Beating the first drum.

Blowing the first horn.

These things happened. People did this.

Look how far we've come. Standardization of language and technology have allowed us to communicate in ways never before possible. We don't even realize the wealth of knowledge we are born upon, our history, how far we've come. We've barely mapped out the last five thousand years, let alone the million before that we were crawling around this rock figuring out how our thumbs work.

Who knows what kinda crazy shit went down back in the day.

Then again, I'm reading wikipedia. Maybe I should go eat a bag of salt.

Really, how much of our knowledge is based on exposure? We've seen wheels and fire and television and electric light and refrigeration, we don't have to invent these. Could we if left to our own devices? If we were placed on another planet like earth but without humans, what would it look like in a hundred years? The Earth of today? Our current projection of the future? Or something entirely different? Would we lose our technology, our understanding, without the artifacts we all take for granted? Roads, garbage, old movies and tv, making ours look new in comparison. We see a progression in our current technology, but not the progression from the wild to domestication. The inventions of society, myth, and culture. Marvellous though they may be, we might be wise to recognize them as inventions. Not to dispel them necessarily, but to expand them, to allow them to grow and evolve, so that we and they might be better equipped to face the future.

I know, I'm getting a little intense here.

"Who is this, doin' this, synthetic type of alpha beta psychedelic fuck it"
Well, at least that's what I think he's saying. Lately I seem to only listen to music when I've been drinking. It's been about a week since I've listened to any music.

It's weird, lately, when I'm drinking, I've been listening to old songs I used to listen to, and finally hearing the lyrics clearly for the first time. It's quite strange. I experienced the same thing last weekend with some Gorillaz song. Oh man, does Elektrobank ever kick in heavy at the end. I forgot about that. So bassy. All my bass are belong to them.

Much reading to be done. May random find you well.

stream of thought

2008-11-18T14:31:00.003-04:00

New Call of Duty. Much fun. Even on Wii.

Quiet mind, nice. So far so good.

Saw a few cool music videos the other night. On tv even.
It was sort of nostalgic. It sounds funny to me even, music videos aren't that old.
But I mean, it's been a while since I used to really watch them. I'd follow my favourite bands, I'd watch all their videos, try and go back and find the old ones that never aired anymore. The videos that came out before I had developed a taste for the band. Back before youtube, that was hard to do.

I still have some VHS tapes lying around. If I had a video capture card, I'd post up some Deke Wilson, as I looked, and that's not anywhere online that I can find. Maybe that's it though, I can't think of anything else off hand that would be too appealing to anyone but me. Even me.

I remember when KMX came out back in the day, that was the first energy drink I remember seeing. It tasted like orange pop with dirt in it. It was actually not too bad, at least you knew it wasn't just sugar, it would have to taste better. I wonder if that's still around, I bet that'd be good with some whiskey in it. Mixed emotions, on to the next subject.

I sold pixie stix like drugs. Quarter for one, five for a buck. The teachers hated it for some reason, right tried to get me to stop. They eventually succeeded. I made a bit of money doing it for a while, but eventually the strain of staying in supply, trying to get rid of the purple, and not breaking them in my backpack became too much hassle. It all started at Halloween, when I bought a couple two-dollar bags of pixie stix. Well, each bag would make me a good ten to fifteen dollars, not to mention, I got all the pixie stix I wanted, so, I too was hooked. After Halloween, they went on sale, so, I bought the rest the store had, something like ten bags. When they ran out though, the price went up for me too.

Back in these days, I was into various nerdy card and role playing games, but like the old school good ones. Heh heh, ok, maybe I still have a nerd-core. But anyway, the only store in town that supplied these things to the youth was a pretty friendly environment and we could hangout there and shoot the breeze with the owner of the store. He had been following my escapades, and when my supply had run dry, he offered to order in a box of the standard pixie-stix 4-packs, for a price. I don't remember now what it was, something like 20$ for a box of 48 or something, so, if all went well I could just double my money(no more five for a dollar). But, the demand dropped off. I still had hardcore customers that would buy everyday, but it wasn't the feeding frenzy it was when it was new and illicit and in class and the teachers were pissed about it. So I could still sell a fair amount, but if I brought too much, I'd still have some left at the end of the day, most likely mangled by my various books and binders. I made one last good sale, at a school dance. I snuck a whole box in the pockets of my winter jacket. I left the dance with something like 45$(I hadn't been totally broke when I arrived) and I was out of the pixie-stix racket for good.

And yes, I literally mean pixie-stix. This was before drinking and drugs had captured our attention, middle school I believe. Yeah, the introduction to alcohol might have had something to do with my loss of interest as well. Still, fun memories.

Maybe that whole experience is why I never got into selling drugs too heavy. It was enough hassle with a legal product.

They tried to tell me it was because I was making a profit they were mad, not that I was selling them. I cited the cafeteria. They said, well, they have permission from the district, and then I said, how would I go about getting said permission, and they said you can't. Stop. Now.

Trusting can be difficult. Even trusting yourself. If nobody else gives you any credit, how can you have value? Enjoy your self.

Bob Marley man, Bob Marley. He knew some things.

I don't feel empty today. Awesome. I'll try to keep it up.

The future seems limitless. Technology and science doors to other worlds. Incredible possibilities.

I feel a tight-rope now. As if to say; careful now, don't over-do it. If I lose my balance, I can easily fall.

"Get-up stand-up, don't give up the fight"

Laughter is some good medicine. I don't know if it's the best, I never heard of someone laughing off Ebola or polio or anything, but it's pretty good. I hope my strange rantings inspire laughter. They do for me.

You have to be able to laugh at yourself I guess. I might take myself too seriously. But, that's the balance thing again. Life is serious, no doubt, but it's also fun. One has to make room for both I guess.

Well, I'm off to make some room for fun. Serious again tomorrow. May random find you well.
\m/

Be a good robot

2008-11-16T15:14:00.005-04:00

In a world gone mad, one must feign insanity to survive.

I'm not saying that this world has gone mad, I'm just saying if it did, be ready to act crazy.

I'm trying not to think about myself too much. Trying to be a good robot. I'm probably as well known by my numeric designations as my alphabetic. Customer number, account number, licence number, phone number, employee number, extension number, pay code, ip address et cetera. Maybe I need to go into the shop for repairs. A few of my systems have been malfunctioning, or at least functioning in a reduced capacity. But what if I did that intentionally, to down regulate my overactive thought processes, like CTRL-ALT-DELETEing my non-responsive thought-windows? It's something I've talked about before.

It sounds ridiculous I realize; why would anyone want to reduce their thoughts? Knowledge is power though, and power corrupts. I just seem to be constantly fighting myself for control of my emotions. My actions are my own, but how I feel about them is out of my control apparently. See, right now, I'm thinking about going to buy some bourbon. I know I want to, and I'll enjoy it at least for a while, but I'll feel guilty and I'll be broke well before payday if I get it. So I try not getting it. I'm still thinking about it, still wanting a drink, still unhappy, but at least I have the money I would have spent otherwise? Is that really a good reason not to go buy a bottle, fear of guilt? So I'll just stay home feeling pathetic and ashamed and weak, but I'll still have that thirty bucks. I'll be able to maintain my nicotine addiction and maybe buy myself a few coffees. I could even eat some greasy fast food. Surely all better choices.

Then why am I still thinking about the sauce?
I'm not convinced. I don't have enough money to really live comfortably, so I might as well steal a bit of comfort from a bottle until I can. Trouble is, I don't see a time when that will happen. I never finished my degree, I still have a student loan to pay off, my parents can't afford to send me to school and I can't afford it myself. I'd be looking at a mortgage-sized debt load by the time I finished. Then the fun begins; interest at the bank, job search, housing market, car insurance, life insurance, health insurance, latest fashion, techno-trends, vacation destination, time management, a rat-race life.

*sigh*

I probably over analyze things, which is why I mentioned down regulating my thoughts. Too worried about the future, not enough enjoying the now. Maybe I should cut back on the caffeine.

The liquor store is almost closed now, soon it will be too late to drink even if I want too. I should probably spend that money soon though, that way I won't be able to buy booze. If I dry out for a week or so, I should be able to avoid 'getting wet'. I don't deal with stress well, and I don't like telling people to quit bothering me. I rather make myself unappealing to be around, and hopefully they leave of their own accord. It's sad, I know. Drinking also makes it easier for me to be around others, sometimes I even enjoy myself, so that presents a difficulty. It reminds me that I was once a social animal. I used to say things like 'trust in random' and 'random will provide'. I was so optimistic. I even thought communism sounded like a good idea.

Now though, I have less faith in my fellow man. I have seen our shortcomings, and they frighten me. Our ability to overlook and deny and tolerate evil is astounding. But we do use it to define ourselves as separate from it. But if we try and understand the evil, well, sometimes we find it to be not so separate after all. So what do you do?

Politeness, diplomacy, debate, tolerate, don't rock the boat though, that's not tolerated. Try and control yourself as best you can, don't leave yourself too vulnerable or exposed. Controlled out bursts to 'blow off steam', indulging in temporary escapes. Do what I do, try to be more like a robot. You are a passive observer in your environment, occasionally called upon to contribute when you can. It is your duty to try and maintain the environment if you can. A better environment for the humans around you means there should be someone there to fix you if you break down, so it is a logical course of action as well. Occasionally your programming may be overridden and you may have to do things that do not interest you, but you are a robot, a machine used to safely navigate, maintain, and explore the environment for which you were created. That doesn't sound too bad actually.

I've been thinking of humans as analogous to computers lately. We have our hardware, our software, our peripherals, our operating systems and acquired data, the user to direct our actions, all that fun stuff. The big difference as I see it, is the Internet. Is that, like, equivalent to our world? The environment in which virtual entities exist and move about? Or is it the collective unconscious? A means of passively sharing data amongst inter-connected 'life forms' for the mutual benefit of all involved? If that is the case, it is apparently far more developed than our own collective unconscious. Perhaps we could take a lesson from our creation here, and shift to a more hive-mind oriented existence. I have no idea how this might be accomplished of course, and I hope it would be similar to the Internet in that you could disconnect at will. Our computers maintain their own hard drives despite their connection to larger servers. Is the Internet like our dreams perhaps? A pool of data who's sources may not necessarily be trustworthy, but may still nonetheless provide very valuable and useful insights for our waking life. That rings true for my simile.

Tim Leary thought computers and the Internet were the next big thing after acid, the next evolution in consciousness. That, life extension and space travel. All good things really.

There, the liquor store is closed. My thirst too, has passed. I am even pleased with what I have written, and the thoughts between the words make me hopeful for the future.

That's one thing I say a lot now; 'I'll see you in the future'. I act cynical, but obviously I believe there will be a future, and I'll be there to see it. Also, I'm a smart ass, and time seems to only go one way, and if I ever see someone again, it'll always be in the future.

So let's all be good polite robots, help the humans out, and hopefully we'll get to see some cool stuff. See you in the future. \m/

peeking out from under my rock

2008-11-05T01:13:00.007-04:00

I can't keep a low profile.

Type type type, delete delete delete. Don't drink and type. Should have a keyboard breathalyzer.

I had a dream I think, where I was bad-tripping. Like a sense of impending doom, unreality, disconnection, a sense it was all about to slip away. Odd, maybe the dream was initially so good, I knew it couldn't last, and that's where the doom came from. I'm like that, I can't enjoy myself without feeling guilty. It's like, that time you spent resting you could have been working or helping someone that was working. Where does the sense of duty come from? This horrible sense of obligation and the guilt at not meeting these supposed obligations. I'm obliged to help anyone that needs help. Albeit, I don't mind usually, helping out. But when I can't get an hour to myself to just sit and relax, because I'm picking up the slack for others who are "chillin' out max and all relaxin' all cool", that annoys me. I usually don't say anything; I get drunk.

Like now! Yeah! I drank while I worked today. I haven't done that in years. I never did it regularly, and I don't plan to. I'm feeling guilty now, even though nothing bad came of it. Maybe that's a good thing though. Maybe I should feel bad about drinking at work. It's careless, definitely. But if nothing bad came of it, should I really feel guilty? I guess, better than good. I wouldn't want to get comfortable drinking at work. Then one day, I drink too much and lose it. Not to mention the cost of drinking earlier in the day. It adds up.

That's the start of Project Green Dragon. I hope the mason jar won't allow all the EtOH to escape. Not too much anyway.

Alcohol; it lowers inhibitions. Otherwise, I'd be too nervous to write. Granted, what I write lately has been scattered and less than amazing. Perhaps I would benefit from a period of sobriety to work out whatever it is that has me running to the bottle.

So far, Heart On, not as impressive as Death By Sexy and Peace, Love, Death Metal. In my inebriated opinion anyway. Then again, it has some pretty good tunes too. Too early to tell.

That southern guitar twang goes great with whiskey. Makes my spine feel like spaghetti. Loosey goosey.

Social networking sites make my heart hurt sometimes.

I play this riff on my electric guitar, it's missing the low E string(the top one). But the rhythm is really the important thing. It's between 10 000 days and the Doctor Who theme. But it sounds like a boat. Or a boat ride. I don't know, wavy. It trips me out though. I can zone out and play that riff in different variations for like a half hour straight. I like playing guitar like that, almost as a form of meditation. Same thing with games like tetris and Dr. Mario. Play until you quiet your mind. Pure action. Go Go Go. Or dancing when you're really high. For me anyway, being so self conscious, I like to be thoroughly inebriated before I get down propa. Back in the days of pcp, I'd really just go with it. Probably too much so. But that's a complicated story for another day. Really, it's a story never to be fully told.

I'm on my third 'last drink' now. They just end up so tasty. And the post seems to need more from me.

Paranoid people on the phone freak me out sometimes, with their pessimism. But then I remember; they are old and racist. Technology is frightening to them, and they must be short on cash these days. This one old lady talked about how there's no modesty or self respect nowadays, and people don't get married and split up over anything. She said she wouldn't want to be raising a kid these days, and I understood what she meant there.

It's weird; some of the people I know that ended up the best were the products of one-parent homes. Not all mind you, and sometimes it's a death and not a separation, but among my friends, those raised by one parent are all doing quite well for themselves. The same can not be said for those from two-parent homes.

The old lady was all concerned about the economy, telling me about millionaires jumping out of windows in 29, saying they didn't see it coming either. She said there's war coming, and the government is going to take our retirement money. These things detracted from her credibility somewhat. Though in time, they may prove to be quite true, who knows really.

The alcohol fog is rolling in, I think it's time to head to bed. Be safe.
\m/

Switch Back(Downshift?)

2008-10-29T20:43:00.005-03:00

Ok, so maybe I misread that.

The situation, not the post. Maybe I was still high from last night, or the coffee was extra stimulating, but already, just a few hours later, Ive lost my luster. Karma perhaps, for improper conduct?

I don't know! FUCK! This is frustrating!

If free will is an illusion, than bravo mr. magician, because I'm fooled.

***

Theremin's are pretty cool. Maybe I'll try and pick one up. Maybe just a talkbox for the ole git.

Some Wii points for sure. Fore shore...

... no robot parts but robot hearts. Shut down emotions chip.

Often-wrong Soong, what would you do?

I'm such a nerd.

flip-flop. Stop typing mid-message. Should I do it? Can I pull it off? I know it won't kill me, but, but.... but something anyway.

There, I did it. Well, usually I just disappear in a bottle for a week until I'm in the clear, so, I guess this is an improvement. Now I can disappear into a bottle guilt free! Yeah right.

Star Trek TNG, those were the days. Smoke a little weed, never bad tripped, so not scared of acid or pcp. No bills to pay, still in high school. Not a whole lot different than now really, just more social. And more naive, innocent, and blissfully ignorant.

That was back before I picked apart reality, looked behind the curtain. I feel the lightning sneaking up on me. Have to be careful what I say I guess.

Ok, so maybe I've had too much coffee and I'm a little paranoid. Talking about projects earlier, maybe I shouldn't have capitalized them as though they are important and code words. That's all I need, some suit coming over and asking me question about Project Green Dragon, fucking waste his time, I'm sure he'll be pleased about that.

Over sensitive to sound now. Damn, and I was doing so well.

Presently, I sigh, and give up. I surrender to my choices, and prepare to face to consequences.

My heart beats too fast for a moment, sound startling me more than it should. Medication follows.

Placebo effect felt instantly, ahhh, relief is coming. Eat some bacon, delicious.

Ok, the bacon jokes are awesome, and I totally understand. But this bacon salt is a video I found on my way to Mr. Gaffigan's Bacon tirade, and I must say; I am intrigued.

I hope that the border patrol doesn't have a link to my blog when I try to enter the United States next. But back to Bacon. Yes, I capitalized it.

So this Bacon Salt appears to be a real product. I am surely going to have to keep an eye out for it. They say on the website that someone tried it with ice cream. I had bacon with ice cream once. I was at McDonald's and noticed the 'make it bacon for 49 cents' sign, and decided to order the cheapest thing there and 'make it bacon'. So, I ordered a small cone, probably vanilla, which was about 50 cents at the time, so the whole thing cost me just over a dollar. It was pretty good, the hot and cold, salty and sweet, the co mingling of the normally opposing flavours in artificial harmony.

Wouldn't it be freaky if you walked through a dark area of your house with a drink, and something fell in, but you didn't notice until the end? Like an earwig, or some horror-movie alien thing? And you only noticed when it hit your lips. Or maybe you didn't notice.

I guess accidental ingestion is what I mean is freaky. You suddenly realize you ingested something other than what you intended to. Perhaps some unknown substance with unknown effects. So you wait, terrified, to see if you live through the night.

Is it dark in here?

I think I'm going to have to order this Bacon Salt online.

Now I'm getting sluggish. No more placebo.

Reading about video games now. Winding down for sleep.
Have a good one.

Shift

2008-10-29T13:08:00.003-03:00

I shifted.

I went from being focused on my genitals to like, science again.

You know how it is, for a month or so you masturbate every chance you get, 3 times a day if possible. Then you just lose interest, like you got all that backed-up fluid out of your system, and now can resume normal life. You feel a little embarrassed because you were so irrational for a while, but you're back now.

So now, I'm less concerned with my future, and more concerned with OUR future. Humanity's. Maybe that's not the shift. Maybe I went from looking to the future, to looking to the present.

Anyway, I felt the shift. It was like a lightening of mood. A loss of desperation. A clarity of mind.

So now, it's like; "Lighten up man, you're bumming me out".

I wonder; is my speech slipping? Am I too informal? Or is it necessary to be profane from time to time? Cut out the 'OK's and 'alright's. I don't do a lot of 'ummmm' and 'uhhhh' -ing, but that's more about public speaking than word choice.

Remembering now. Myself as well as my environment. Feels like I've been cut off from part of my memories for a while, and only recently reincorporated them into my psyche. I wonder why that is.

Neural pruning perhaps. Increasing my brain's efficiency. Just thinking about it gives me a mind-boner.

I'm going to have to start work on a few projects. Project Green Dragon for sure. Project Weed-Egg needs to be clarified, but it's probably ready to go. Adding Project Morning Glory to the to do list might be an idea. Project Seeds and Project Pods can wait as far as I'm concerned. I just named these now, so don't be surprised if you don't know what they're all about.

I might take a walk later, I like the smells of Autumn.

K O R I T F W

Watch the weather change

2008-10-28T20:21:00.002-03:00

Fuck this whiny BS.

I've been distracted for sure.

Listen to some tool, it helps to remember.

Headphones are helpful.

Wait, is this what...

*smack*

Go cower in another mind.

Where's my squeegee?

I've got to clean my 'windows'.

Monday

2008-10-27T13:15:00.005-03:00

Monday.
The start of the work-week.
Pay week this week, that's good.
Already spending the cash in my head.

Doesn't look like I'm going to make it to Moncton this weekend.
I'll try and blame it on cash I think, but we'll know it's because I'm cowardly.

While it is true, that my buying a train ticket would leave me broke for a week, that is not the real reason why I'm not going to go. I think anyway.

What is the real reason then? Too much pressure? Fear?
But of what. Change? Loss? Loss of what, innocence? Not likely.

Identity maybe. For so long, I have been alone, and have been shaped by that, even defined by my solitude, that I am afraid to let someone else in. It's not even like she's saying she wants a relationship or anything, she just wants me to come stay with her for a visit. Watch some dvds, even have a couch to sleep on should I not feel up to preforming. She bought some pork just in case I do go, so I'll have some meat to eat, as she's almost a vegetarian.

The guilt is terrible now.

Is she buying stuff to try and lure me? I remember; one time she was supposed to come to town to fix her car. When her car was unable to make it, she came anyway. When I asked about this, I got the impression she may have come just to see me. She did not directly say this, but I did not try to clarify. Am I unwilling to make the trip just to see her? I know if I had a concert or some other excuse to go, it would be easier.

I've never really left town to go see someone just to hang out for a day or two. Always had a concert to go to to make the trip worthwhile. There's the guilt; is it not worthwhile to go and see a friend? You despicable bastard you.

I'm reminded now of a time when a friend came to visit and we ate mushrooms together. At some point, we experienced a miscommunication. We are no longer friends. At least, not like we were. We can be civil, and even occasionally hang out with mutual friends and be alright. But it's not the same. I've got my guard up all the time, gotta watch what I say, I can't relax, drinking helps, but then I get nervous about losing control. So it's easier to just avoid. Avoid intense situations, and people that make me nervous. Seems reasonable.

But what if sexual tension makes me nervous? There's no if about it, it does. So, should I avoid any situation that is remotely sexual? Duh, that's sounds like a bad idea. What about for now? What if I avoid sex for a while, get my head straight and my work in order before I go hunting? Will it be any easier then, after I've stabilized? Or will it be harder, with more time since my last foray into the bedroom?

Bah, enough of this. If free will is an illusion, then I have no choice in the matter anyway.

That's a big if though.

No conclusion yet, just chewing on some ideas. I may yet go to Moncton, but I'm leaning towards cowering at home. It's like my gut is telling me "No, not yet, there's work to be done". I want to listen to my gut, but my head is arguing; "What work? If you only get one life, do you want to waste it working? You can always leave her if she gets too heavy.". My loins chime in; "Yeah! You ain't afraid of a little disease are yah? You ain't gettin' any younger either, so get to fuckin' already!". They all make such good arguments.

So I'm back where I started. Unsure, just sort of leaning gut-wise. I'll probably end up ignoring the decision until it's too late, and I'll have already made it by missing the train. Does knowing this help me at all, I wonder? Am I helpless to change it? Maybe I'm more interested in what comes next. Maybe I assume I won't be going anywhere, and I want to see how it all plays out. No more painful plans hopefully. Just let myself fade into the background.

Time will tell, as always.

AotS

2008-10-24T23:12:00.002-03:00

I just want to say thank you, to Attack of the Show, on G4TechTV.

Whenever I think that I must be the craziest person alive, your show assures me; "No no, there are far crazier".

Also; thanks for Olivia.

Thanks again,
Your pal,
-Marc

trickle of thought

2008-10-23T11:20:00.006-03:00

Don't you hate it when someone wakes you up like 5 minutes before your alarm clock goes off? I was like damn, you didn't hear it because it hasn't sounded yet. Then it's like, well, you're up now, can I have some weed? Here's a cold coffee.

Ten minutes later I'm not in such a bad mood. Or maybe I am. Friggin' drugs, can't tell where you end and they begin sometimes. Am I still cranky from Monday night? Or just last night? Or maybe I'm hungry. That'll make someone irritable.

"Excuses excuses, they all lead to nooses"

I think I'm quoting myself there.

Digitally compatible, there's a neat trick to sell the HDTVs.

Robots, always rubbin' it in my face.

Crashman's music is playing in my head now. Alright, maybe not all robots.

It seems like I'm trying not to think. If I think, I'll realize I've got to change something in my life for my life to change. I'm ignoring phone calls, not replying to emails and msgs, not reading, not even hardly watching. It's like this; I want a change, but I don't want to change. I don't even want to choose the change.

Do I even want a change? I'm not so sure anymore.

Maybe I'm just cowardly.

Which reminds me; is there a connection between trees and arbitration? I was thinking abut how we chose a tree as a target, just arbitrarily, just any old tree, but one tree to shoot at. I don't normally think the word 'arbitrarily', so that was odd, and the French word for tree is arbre. So, we chose an arbre arbitrarily, a tree otherwise normal, chosen for the situation at hand to be the designated target for the shooting session.

When researching the origin of the words arbiter and arbitration, one comes to the dead end of ad baetere, the Latin for 'to go', as the arbiter was the one that would go to settle a dispute. Bae, is the Latin for a palm branch though, so perhaps our translation is not entirely correct. A tree is also a definite line, a separator, one side and the other. Knock on wood. Smoke trees.

Were the first property lines just the imaginary lines between trees? Were trees our first gods?

Strange ponderings for a Thursday afternoon.

Oh, an there IS NO NINE IN THE AFTERNOON. That fucking song. Afternoon is over by 6. Then it's evening. Night would be acceptable. Then again, I don't really know the song, just that there is no 9 in the afternoon.

Why that bothers me, I don't really know. But it does. There's already a word for that time of day, fucking use it! It's evening! Night! It's getting dark, not moving past the noon-hour. Ok, I think I ranted that all out.

Thinking about taking a short train ride out of town next week. Not sure yet if I'll make it yet, as there's a good chance I'll 'wuss-out'. If I do go, I'll likely end up broke for a week when I get back. That shouldn't really affect my decision though.

Who are you kidding? Your not going anywhere. Your going to stay home and kick yourself for not getting out when you had the chance. You fucking loser.

What? I'm not cool like the devil?

Fuck no. You play the same riffs over and over on the guitar. You don't take advantage of people at every opportunity. You don't even have a tattoo.

Ha ha. Ok then, I guess I'm not cool. Crazed maybe.

Naturally. You are essentially conversing with yourself.

Oh, I'm well aware of that.

Well, enough of it.

Agreed. We're boring ourselves. Or is it self?

Let's stick with the singular.

stream of thought

2008-10-20T12:24:00.004-03:00

Not too much on my mind now. Second load of DLC comes out for Megaman 9 today. Went 'drivin' that train' this weekend. Come down is hard, but I had the tools to cut it down.

Cabin-feverish a bit. Too much time at home. I don't want to go out drinking, but there's not much else to do. Maybe I'll go take in a movie this week. Unlikely, even as typed it, I thought of better uses for the money. I guess I'm a cheap-ass.

Gas went down, almost to a dollar a litre. Maybe I'll go drive around aimlessly for a while listening to CBC. I'm hungry. I burned my hand this weekend making breakfast. Grease-splash. Ouch. Drain the bacon grease before you put the eggs in.

So what am I doing these days? Well, I guess I'd say not much if prompted. I'm slowly paying down a credit line. I'm controlling my addictions(somewhat). I'm playing video games, watching tv and movies, trying to read but easily distracted. Working, I guess you'd say part-time, but it feels like more than that.

I hate when I try to talk about something, and the person I'm talking to starts talking to the dog or someone else or something. I just think, well shit, why do I even bother. I'll keep my interesting knowledge to myself. Good way to get murdered; don't share useful information.

Just because it sounds right or I say it with authority, doesn't mean it's true. Like correlation and causation; you might think you know what's going on, and come to find there's another variable you hadn't even considered. Hard to make a rule that takes into account exceptions. Not much of a rule really. "More of a guide-line really". Pirates.

And then they have the nerve to call data-copying 'piracy'. Like if we took a picture of a 21st century software-pirate and juxtaposed it with a high-seas gun-boat pirate, like those fuckers that stole a boat full of weapons in Indonesia. Now, tell me, why do we even bother with software pirates, when people with guns are stealing boats full of deadly weapons(link)? Why do we even use the same word to describe them? Is a stolen copy of windows going to hurt anyone? How about a burned-dvd? No? The artists must be traumatized when we take their work, is that it?

When a pirate takes your boat, and leaves you in the water to die, that is a serious crime. When Microsoft or Sony/BMG doesn't get their cut on a few bits of data that enter your home via a service you pay for every month, that is not even worthy of note.

Why does radio suck? Because the major recording labels bought the big stations and use them as twenty-four hour a day commercials for their products. 'An astral-media radio presentation'.

Maybe I just ask too many questions. Curiosity killed the cat, so they say. They also say cats of nine lives though, so, maybe they ought to be curious. Cats have 9 lives, like Megaman when he's full strength. Any video game with only one digit for lives actually. Probably no connection, but still interesting to note. "Cats have nine lives" might now mean something akin to "Cats are fully equipped" or "Cats can hack through the code"(allowing them to start with 9 lives). Old saying with a new meaning. "This cat, has nine lives".

Imagine if you had to use a regular encyclopedia instead of wikipedia. I don't know about you folks, but I look something up about ten times a day, and sometimes end up reading many many more articles in a single visit. Maybe I exaggerate, but not much. Would I bother to learn the truth if it required more work? Probably not as often.

Work day is done, time to smoke some fun.
\m/

written on the clock(mostly)

2008-10-17T13:01:00.007-03:00

Feel good this morning.

Ate spaghetti at midnight, delicious. Slept well too. Got up early, moved some furniture before work. Damn sharp-edged desk, hard on the hands. My fingers feel a little chewed up, you know? The old man freaked out a bit while we were moving it, but that was a dopamine depletion thing more than a logical reason thing. Financial woe or not, the guy likes his, well, stuff. Not my place to say.

So I had a little puff before work today, thinking about starting my own version of 'casual fridays'. I must say, so far, the results have been promising. I repuffed on my break, keep me from dosing off. I had a couple of calls that pissed me off, but only for a minute or so. Quick turn-around time makes for less time spent upset. Also, I smile at names that sound funny or people's odd anecdotes make me laugh more than usual.

Skunk Weed, the scourge of our generation! Making shitty jobs tolerable! What a menace!

Imagine, if when you got cut off in traffic, you thought "Hey, I'm in no hurry!" or, "I must've been going too fast man!". Wouldn't road rage go down significantly? Then again, there is the problem of slow people in the drive-thru, when you have the munchies bad, that'll drive you nuts.

Nevermind that now, I have a thought.
I'm thingKing hard.
The insane parade; like a surprise party, and you're the guest of honour.
Oh Wow! All here for me? For my amusement? Wait, who's that guy? I don't even like him...
This isn't right. Everyone likes me? Everyone wants to see me do well? Nobody has anything negative to say? I must be dead.

How else could it be explained? Let's all sing and dance and tra-la-la forever? That's a long-ass time. Heaven IS hell.

I just got a funny call; the name on the file was "Home Owner" then the last name, so, when I asked to speak with Home Owner Cormier, the woman on the line was skeptical immediately. Although, she should have received some mail from us with that name on it, but anyway, this quick 30 second call lasted a few minutes. When she found out I live in New Brunswick, she said "Oh! I thought you were some stuck-up snob from Ontario or something!". That's typical maritimer right there. Don't even get us started about 'Out-West'.

Note to people; when you give the wrong name, we'll call and ask for the wrong name.

Ok, so, I spoke with this fellow, with one leg oddly, who works with revenue Canada. He approved funding for things like the Canadarm, he said Trudeau told him to his face that he we get fired for trying to introduce the GST, but that Mulroney(obviously) eventually did it. He was telling me about problems he's had with Rogers, and I know he isn't alone in them, so that certainly lends him credibility. He was telling me about different Aerospace organizations, some far ahead of their time RIGHT NOW. He told me that most of our cellular networks and satellites were all put in place before 1981, it's all old technology. Seems about right.

This call lasted probably twenty minutes, as opposed to the average thirty-three seconds it usually takes me to deliver the 'reminder script'. The guy blasted me right away saying it's junk mail and I must work for Rogers and telling me he has a Nielsen rating box and Cogeco cable monitors everyone automatically, there's a light that comes on apparently. He just been monitored a whole lot during the election coverage, he said in fact, the light had gone out at 1:30pm today. I tried to explain why I was calling, and he went back to telling me it's junk mail that's in the garbage, and I'm working for Rogers. I got upset and cut him off. I told him, well, if as you say your Nielsen box has been there for 40 years, it has OUR COMPANY'S LOGO on it, as we were in partnership 40 years ago. I don't work for a cable company, I don't work for any broadcaster, we even send five dollars in each booklet he would have had twenty dollars in his envelope, so don't tell me it's junk mail and I work for Rogers. We even called weeks ago to make sure it was ok to send, that they were interested, to confirm their address and the number of televisions they have, so it's not unsolicited mail by any means.

This guy seemed to be both insightful and naive. Well, maybe not naive, so much as senile. He got a little repetitive, and he pissed me off insisting I work for Rogers, but the stuff about aerospace tech and communications tech and being this one-legged dude that met Pierre Trudeau back in the day, that was an awesome call. Any call where you end up yelling is at least somewhat fun. With all this bonus technology info and a dash of paranoia, it was a great call to end the week. Have a good one.

payday musings

2008-10-16T13:48:00.005-03:00

Trying to stay out of trouble now.
Don't even look at the liquor store.
Go buy some video games, that should keep you busy.
Unlikely to hold my interest though, aren't they.

Should I drink a lot?
Am I fighting on the wrong side here?

Humankind has historically used alcohol. Over the years, would it not stand to reason that certain individuals might evolve a specialization related to alcohol? Perhaps, their own body down-regulates the dopamine levels in anticipation of alcohol's inclusion in the system. Perhaps for these individuals, sobriety is akin to starvation.

Perhaps just the opposite. Perhaps the use of alcohol overtime, adjusts the body's normal dopamine levels to the point where the body no longer requires alcohol to appear intoxicated.

Now, we extrapolate these ideas. Marijuana. Stimulants. Steroids. Antibiotics. Psychedelics. What if all of these change how we evolve? Is the human race about to branch off into different interest groups that evolve into different subspecies? Did somebody say 'Shadowrun'?

I used to think of this, perhaps in terms of a higher dimensional agreement. I imagine a spirit that represented humankind shaking hands with a spirit representing marijuana. We will continue to cultivate and protect marijuana, as long as it keeps producing those tasty cannabinoids. Over time, we are able to produce better and better strains of marijuana, while at the same time improving our own quality of life. Seems like a mutually beneficial relationship to me.

This may be a temporary development as well. Perhaps, the relationship becomes a dependence. Marijuana, extremely potent, but unable to survive in nature, as well as people, normally funny, laid back, and able to eat things that are normally unappetising, that are social cripples without a puff. Sound like anyone we know(are)? Nah, I'm like that even with a puff.

Time will tell, I imagine.

general anxiety

2008-10-15T11:23:00.004-03:00

Still anxious, days later.
I want to grow, but I'm afraid to change.

I'm so used to being frightened and self-depreciating, that I don't know how to be confident. I'm not even sure that I want to.

Well, part of me certainly does. It's like I have to fight with myself. I don't know who to root for, either way I win and lose.

What am I so afraid of? Humiliating sexual encounter? Mostly. I'm afraid my lack of expertise will prove humiliating. I imagine quickly gathering my shit, and leaving. Although, I'd be in a different city, so where I'd go, I'm not sure.

The alternative; remaining shut-in, stay basically the same, don't grow, pick up more useless information, stay scared, gradually speak with fewer and fewer people until only my immediate family can tolerate my presence. Either that, or I'll develop a sudden cult-following, have money come in from google adsense, quit my day-job, and start my rocket-ride to the top. I doubt that would be as fun as it sounds. I'd probably still end up kicking myself about the girls that I let slip through my fingers.

I just can't seem to imagine myself not fucking this up. And I know, it's gotta be shitty for her to try and figure out what's up with me. I know I'm having a hard time with it, and I've known me years longer than she has.

Part of me knows; just go, try, the worst that can happen isn't that bad. I have nothing to lose but some time I'd probably waste anyway. Come on, keep it together. You know you want it.

Could my lack of confidence be drug related?

I'm tired of this speculation. Less talk, more action, that's what I need right now. Good luck.
\m/

goooooood morning! (Don't read if eating)

2008-10-12T11:03:00.004-03:00

"Them yellow jackets keep the tired man from slackin'..."

Don't they.
Is that the regulators? The low-men in yellow coats? Stephen King reader?

Woke up drunk at about 10 am. I was like damn, last I remember I was feeding the VLT my change at the bar. Left a circle of puke to clean up this morning, I think I may have come home and had ice cream. What the fuck eh? Sure 10 beer or so, tequila, southern comfort, why not throw a little milk in there, see what happens? Why was I sick again?

Last night, I went to see the local sports team with my uncle. A few of my friends were supposed to meet up with me, and we were to hang out and drink and make merriment and such. I ran into the only friend I had been in contact with prior to the sports event there, he said he'd come find me at my seat later. He didn't. So, I had a beer and a shot before I left, waited through the first third of the game without drinking, but then I started getting those five dollar beers. I had four more at the game, got my uncle to spot me a fifty should I run into my friends and decide to head out to a bar after the game. Well, the game ended, never saw my friends, so I left.

I kept the fifty though.

When I got home, I had a puff of weed, drank my two beer, and sat around with my brother and his friend, After ranting for a while about balckholes and MECOs, my brother was telling me to shut up, so I figured I might as well head out to the bar, as it was only about 11pm or so.

So I put on my shoes, and out I went, into the night.

As I approached, i could see that the bar was quite busy. I knew I wasn't particularly interested in talking, but that I was drunk enough to not mind should I end up stuck talking to someone for a moment or two. I know, misanthrope alert, so what?

I got out of the shower yesterday, I was sitting around naked, and I realized, damn, I'm like, an organic being. I'm a human. I rely on simple proteins and vitamins to survive. I can be easily broken with a rock or chunk of metal. I may put on clothes and build a mental image of myself greater than the flesh-bag I walk around in, but that's where I live. That's who I am. I'm a human being. A fucking monkey with language. For all my thoughts of gravity, magnetics, and energy, I'm still bound to this limited use vessel. Was Einstein just a human? DaVinci? Jesus? Is being just a human, more than enough?

So I ordered up a shot of tequila and a moose green first thing, get me started. They seem to always bring out the lemon and salt when I order a shot of tequila, which I don't mind, and I will use, but I don't need it to take a shot. I looked around; people on the dance floor, a one-man-band, basically a guy with a karaoke machine and a guitar, people sitting at the bar and at tables, mostly older folks, is that the guy I saw at the grocery store with my uncle?

We're buying all junk, like 5 pounds of bacon, a couple bags of chips, a cake, and about 10 bottles of pop. We see this guy in the store with his kid, he has 2 or 3 bottles of the store brand pop. My uncle just goes up to the guy, like "Sir, excuse me, but the good pop is on sale you know for.." and the guy interrupts him "99 cents, yeah..." and continues his shopping. I was like damn! That's an eleven cent difference, this guy can't afford the extra quarter to turn his PC colas into Pepsi? Way more information than I wanted to get heading out to the grocery store. In all fairness though, I was a little disgusted that we bought 5 pounds of bacon, cheap or not, that's a lot of fucking bacon.

So I took my shot, had a drink of beer, and headed outside for a cigarette. You can't smoke inside public buildings here, and most places you can't take your drink outside with you, but this place has a porch with some tables, gives them a loophole I guess. So you can drink and smoke at the same time! Free country? Mostly.

Some younger folks were outside, pacing around, one guy tearing up a piece of paper into tiny pieces. In retrospect, they were probably on e or some shit sold to them as e, but I didn't really care. I was on beer number eight, a few shots in, took a valium, I was just feeling good. Lyin' back in my chair, looking at the stars, good time. I still had forty bucks in my pocket, plus change, beer in my hand, a few hours before last call, and not far to walk home.

Ok, whoa, I just almost puked. I coughed right hard, I guess I smoked too many cigs yesterday. I coughed right into the toilet, it kinda echoed, I hope I didn't wake anyone up. But I coughed so hard that my lips went numb. My whole face is still tingling a bit. Maybe I need to smarten the fuck up. I want to blame my uncle, because he can be hard to spend time with, so I tend to use more drugs when he's around, which is all the fucking time lately. But I know it's not his fault, I should just tell him to shut up and "leeme lone ferabit". Deja vu. I already typed this out, was it here, or in a msg to a friend? Either way, still on my mind, goes in the blog.

So I drank a few more beer, maybe had one more shot of tequila, and basically sat at the video lottery terminal the rest of the night. I played double bonus, trying for free-spins, I maybe cashed out once at 10 bucks, but put probably twenty or thirty bucks in change in. In the morning, when you do the math, gambling is stupid. Unless, that is, you wake up with a full-ass wallet, but that almost never happens.

So, I gather that I made my way home, and judging from the vomit, I ate some ice cream then puked in the basement. Right in front of the couch. My brother was probably there too, neither of us saw a need to clean up the puke last night apparently. Not too much trouble this morning, but there was a bit on the couch, that's soaked in now, it'll probably have a slight odour for a week or so. Good time to buy some febreeze. Although, too me, that almost smells like puke. I guess I've used it too many times to try and cover that smell, now the two are associated.

I best add a don't read while eating disclaimer, as this post has taken a vomitous turn.

So, I woke up this morning, my light was on in my bedroom, but I could hardly tell as the sun was shining very brightly. I noticed I had placed a garbage can next to my bed, I should have clued in then that there might be puke around, but I just did a quick check in the room, the garbage looked clean, so I figured I hadn't been sick. This calls for a wake and bake. Putted around between my room the kitchen and the bathroom for a few minutes. I let the dog out.

I made my way to the basement to inspect the scene. Lights were off, stuff looked basically ok. Turned on the lights, oh, there's a pizza on the floor in front of the couch. I best get to that. Grabbed some paper-towels, cleaned it up. Changed the garbage bag I disposed of the paper towel in, no one likes that smell hangin' around.

Then I got dressed, and went outside to play with the dog for a bit. Initially I went out to see if I puked in the driveway or anything, but the dog was feeling quite energetic and was happy to see me, so I obliged her and through the ball a few times for her. I stayed outside for quite a while really, as I didn't want to wake anyone up, and with my uncle and brother visiting, we've got a sleeper on the couch upstairs, which is the main TV viewing area.

I saw my neighbour outside while I was playing with the dog. She's a year older than me, has a kid now, just recently actually. Made me think again about being a fucking monkey and that I suppose davinci and einstein must have felt the same way. Trapped? I didn't say anything, as I have long hair and a crazy-man beard, so sometimes people react unfavourably to my approach. At least, that's what I told myself. Actually, I thought something like, am I wasting my life? Am I kidding myself? Should I just get drunk more, get a shitty job but with more money, and get to making babies? That doesn't sound right for me.

Ok, now my uncle's awake, I'm going to get filled in on my return last night. I'm starting to get a bad feeling. Maybe gooooooooood morning might have been a tad too optimistic. Technically, it is now afternoon. Wish me luck. \m/

a good night

2008-10-09T23:20:00.007-03:00

So I woke up tired, that's always fun. The coffee barely did a thing.
I really only woke up after work was done.
In time to go to the liquor store, go for a coffee, and go listen to some CBC radio.
For you non-Canadians who made their way here, CBC is sort've like BBC, but Canadian, instead of British. It's radio with no commercials, lots of talk, audience call-ins, live interviews, news, political in-depth coverage, As It Happens with Barbara Budd and Carol Off is probably my favourite. I do like quirks and quarks, ideas, white coat black art, L.O.L., DNTO, Vinyl Tap(Oh man! If Randy read this, I'd be so pumped!), and even Q, though not always.

I sometimes would like to work at CBC radio, as I really enjoy the programming, and it's a government owned company(crown corporation we calls 'em), so, it shouldn't have too many shady practices. I always hated working for companies that asked me to do unethical things. Ugh, one time, when I was working at a restaurant, it is a large chain, I won't say it's name out of courtesy(and for fear of corporate MIB lawyers coming to do 'whatever it takes' to keep me quiet), but basically, they had anticipated a Mother's Day rush, which for some reason didn't happen. So, the excess stock we had in anticipation of this holiday, which normally lasts only about 2 days after marinating, was in the fridge for three, then four, five days, at least. When I walked into the walk-in cooler, and it smelled like bad meat, I told my manager, not the supervisor, the manager, that I was concerned for the safety of our customers. I was told to cook the meat using the first in first out rule, regardless of 'expiration dates'. I told the staff to not eat anything from the meat in question on their breaks(back then, we could eat for free at work, imagine, a restaurant employee not having to bring a lunch, what if all businesses... post for another day).

Now, the reason I put up with this bullshit among other thing I won't bother to mention, was because this was my first job, and I was afraid to be fired, and didn't know my rights. Now, I have since learned I have the right to refuse unsafe or unlawful work, and that there are plenty of people looking to hire someone with my particular skill set. Or at least, people easily fooled into thinking that I am the type of person they are looking for. Though, I prefer not to be deceptive, especially with regard to employment. It tends to come back to you. I did once leave a job before I was even done the training, they paid me in cash, but in all fairness, I had planned to work as I had agreed, but my health took a turn for the worse, and I was forced to relocate to benefit from health insurance(Crohn's initial diagnosis followed).

Now, I am not certain that CBC is run entirely ethically, in fact, I'd be quite surprised if anything was. But I'd still like to be a part of that environment, even if only as an 'idea man' in the background. I guess I'll start sending in my thoughts and perhaps calling in from time to time. What's the worst that could happen? Black helicopters descend on my house and abduct me in that night, taking me to some secret government installation, interrogating me about my paranoid rants, leaving me drugged in some ditch, unaware I have numerous drug tolerances, and that their amnesiacs will not work at the standard dosage? Ok, that sounds pretty awesome.

And that's the worst case scenario? Well, ok, they could just shoot me dead. But I mean, that too leads to the great mystery of beyond-life. Am I an optimist when I'm drunk or something? Maybe it's the sweet sweet ser... ax-ualy, never mind.

Now, down to business, what I REALLY had on my mind tonight.

Mankind; what's our destiny?
We seem to think we doomed ourselves with pollution, but to me, that seems unlikely.
I've heard that even Pluto is warming up, it's a solar system wide phenomenon, not just Earth, and thus, likely not man made. If this is the case, is this not perhaps an incitation of evolution? I will elaborate momentarily. Even if it is entirely man made, could it not serve the same function as a natural cataclysm? Are we in any way separate from the natural order? Are our thought processes an evolution of instincts? Basically hard-wired response built upon our experiences? Or something more; free will.

Either way, what does our future hold? Can we colonize space? Can we save the Earth before we render it too toxic to support life? Can we use technology to clean up our messes? Will we eventually roam the universe at will, potentially spending every moment of our lives in a completely new experience? Will we someday conquer death? What does the future hold? Will we evolve to exist within a higher-dimensional reality once we have mastered this one? What would new dimensions be like? If time is our fourth dimension, what could the fifth be like?

People(Pinchbeck) talk about the possibility of a hive-mind around winter solstice 2012, but it's really hard to imagine how that would be implemented. Then again, I can remember in my youth, being unable to 'read the signals' sent by a lady friend until well after the fact. If we had been of one mind(which we basically were anyway), the coded speaking would not have been necessary, and we could have ...

She specifically used the words 'summer-fling', that put me off. Maybe it had nothing to do with miscommunication. Then again, maybe she said what she thought I wanted to hear. Hive-mind might clear up some of that type of confusion.

I heard something on the radio today about people in an anti-war group that ended up on a terrorist watch list. They were all in a huff complaining their privacy had been violated by the (US) government spying on them . My beef with that is, in this day and age, with cameras at every store, every atm, even some highway mile posts, not to mention the stuff we don't know about. You can see cars with google earth, just imagine how good the resolution really is. I guess, to expect privacy, in my opinion, is unreasonable. Now, I break the law, even write about it here, but I do it in ways that don't hurt anyone. I stay home, I eat, which is sometimes hard to do with my Crohn's, I laugh more than I might sober. I do cough and spit more than I'd like, but it's much better than wasting away and wiping blood.

Sorry for the graphic image just now, but it illustrates my point. Still, sorry again, I hope no one was eating as they read it.

Kief is delicious. I don't see the need to press it. It's great as is.

I just accidentally talked to my parents for a few minutes, about a friend of mine with a kid, and I'm like, what the fuck was that about? I forget now how it came up, but I assume I brought it up out of nowhere, or basically made a long reaching connection to discuss it. I feel bad now, for my friend, separated from his child by a woman he doesn't love(I presume). I have friends that have been raised with only one parent. Actually, they turned out probably the best, they both have houses and usually good jobs and steady girlfriends. Maybe it's for the better.

But the thing I mentioned was, that one time, while a few of us that are really close we're on a good bender, like day 2, a few hours before the end basically, he talked about his kid. He may have had tears in his eyes, and he told us, me and the other of our main trio(there were others there, but less important), that he wanted us to meet his kid someday. We had been up for at least 30 hours, smoking weed, cocaine too probably, doing lines of blow, eating speed too as I recall, smoking something we were told was opium, but it was green, so god knows what it was. I woke up later that night. All I could see was stars, and I though I was outside. I tried to get up, but found the ground much more flexible than I expected. I realized then, that I was on a bed, in a completely dark room, staring out a large window with no curtains.

I was alarmed somewhat, as last I remembered, we were smoking that opium stuff and chilling out for a bit, somewhere around three pm I believed. It was now almost ten pm, and I couldn't remember when I had gone to bed. I made my way down the hall, and entered the well lit kitchen. I looked around; half full drinks, partially smoked joints and line residue littered the area. I began cleaning up with the drinks, trying to hold my impending hangover at bay. I gathered the empties(after emptying them) and discarded the major garbage, and already the place was looking better. I decided to wander back to the room I had woken up in.

This was the home of a semi-professional athlete. His family was gone, but it was his room I had passed out in. I did a quick search in hope of finding some Dexedrine or Ritalin. What I found however, was a large bottle of seemingly illicitly pressed pills, stashed in a cabinet. I proceeded to take one, expecting some mild stimulation. Judging by the amount he had, he must take more than one at a time generally, I thought, surely one won't do too much.

After my friend, the only other person there, and the only one who really knew the owners of the house, woke up, we cleaned pretty quickly. After we had finished gathering the empties and drinking the half fulls, I began to feel my heart beat quite hard. I realized that this was not a regular upper, but a steroid of some kind(well, I deduced I guess, who know what it was really). After making sure my friend was ok to restore the house and leaving him a little pot, I proceeded to walk about 11km home in the middle of the night.

I went most of the night at a jog almost, it was incredible. Not pleasant though, like speed or ecstasy, just pure energy, do with it what you will. Like, so much energy, if you tried to stay still, you'd probably twitch or have a seizure or something. I should have grabbed a few more for the road, being that he had a good 100 to 200 of these pills. I wonder even now, how much of this substance did he take? Did his balls shrink to like impotency? Poor fucker, he never made it pro as far as I know.

***

I insufflated half a pill. I know, binders and fillers. And benzos aren't hardly water soluble. But it works somewhat, and much quicker than ingestion. Sometimes though, insufflation seems to increase the likelihood of a blackout.

I've also smoked magic mushrooms and perceived effects, but that's a story for another day as well.

I wonder if I should see about getting a prescription for an anti-anxiety med for myself. They do seem to work wonders for me, though I have been known to abuse them. Perhaps it is best if I just use them as they become available, and not actively seek them out.

It had been a while since I had snorted anything. My nose was feeling pretty good actually But, I don't think that a half a 30mg oxazepam is going to greatly irritate my sinuses. Especially because it's a 'repeat offender'.

I'm sorry, I seem to have turned away from thoughts of possible futures to current intoxication. Perhaps it would be best if I ended the post now. Good luck to you all, may random find you well, and I'll see you in the future!
-Marc

thing-king hoard

2008-10-08T11:53:00.006-03:00

Ok, so, after my 'good luck as of late', of course, I became vomitously ill. Nothing too unpleasant, aside from the strong taste of bile. I wasn't even that drunk (or so I thought). I also made a nice pyramid pattern on the floor with my empties. With a full pyramid, it'd be a shame to bring home another bottle of whiskey Maybe just a few beer (...coholic) to boost the other stuff. I hope that comes. Little yellow fives. Supposed to be en masse, but even if I got like half or a third of what I was going to, I'd do alright. Get ready to wake up confused! "Isn't it like 8pm? What happened?" Anterograde amnesia. The WD is pretty shitty too, must not increase dosage too far. I guess whatever happens is all good.

I had a dream recently, not sure when, but recently. I was waiting in line at a cafeteria or restaurant, trying to buy some pancakes. They were on plates, with a side of bacon or sausage, I can't be sure which now, maybe either. I seem to recall getting closer to the pancakes, even picking up a plate, even a fork and knife. But I don't recall eating them. Maybe a bite of bacon. Did I drizzle the syrup? I don't know anymore, what was a dream, and what am I now imagining because I'm hungry. I remember meal hall at university. I think I transposed meal hall with the cheap bench tables from middle school. Sounds like a dream now, maybe that's why I was confused.

I think middle school used the same tables as elementary. I just had a flash of me going through the elementary school line, all old and beardy like I am now. Sounds like prison a bit, but more pleasant.

Is this what I want? An end to decision making? No more choices? That doesn't sound right. But then again, is free will even real? Do I have a choice now? If I had a steady supply of interesting things to do, would I be satisfied with that? Pointless speculation. With a changing mind, one's interests would inevitably change, and one would inevitably find what they are doing to no longer be as satisfying as it once was. That's like infinity. After you've done everything, what do you do for fun? That's probably why we aren't permanent, because we'd go all evil.

This is more bullshit, there's no way to do everything. If the universe is constantly increasing in complexity, we should never run out of new things to do. How do I explain the evil in the world if people should have stuff to do? Well, I don't know, I guess evil is more complicated then just getting bored with goodness. I'm satisfied with the 'I don't know' answer, for now at least.

8 6 2, seven eight, 2 6 3, seven eight nine....

2008-10-08T01:44:00.004-03:00

Good tune.

Drinking pretty steadily tonight. I started at about 5. I had to deal with some cell phone company on hold waiting bullshit. Not fun. It was right after I finished my call centre job as well, so, I hung up the phone to go make a half hour call. I should have gotten stoned first.

So, I've been logged into the ole E-Buddy doing an avatar slide show for about a half hour. I don't even know if anyone is watching. But, there may be someone online that I hope is watching. Nothing lewd, I should say. I have no photos of that nature on my computer. Plenty online.

Got iTunes on shuffle. I have good music. A thought occurs to me; should I buy more alcohol tomorrow? I remember now; I am supposed to be acquiring an alternative tomorrow. I hope that works out.

Alcohol is acceptable though. I seem to have had much luck with it as of late. Not too bad in the hangover department, no DUI, not broke. Haven't been vomitous-sick in a little while, a week at least. I even had two drinks earlier and sobered up before I got to the night's REAL drinking. I should probably close the chat, as I'm no longer sober enough to trust my judgement. I'm kinda like the guy in this video right now;

Generally though, I'd say something more like "Let's interface our genitals" or something equally robotic. It usually gets a laugh, but my eyes let her know I'm serious. Sometimes her eyes return the sentiment, sometimes they don't. That's life; can't win 'em all.

Whoa, did I name a post this same thing before? Crazy deja vu. I'm in an infinite mirror hallway. I am so small and insignificant. Dust in the wind, I am a grain of sand...

...snap back. Here I am. Song is over, time to change. Change - Blind Melon, that's what I'll play. Damn, I didn't log off the chat yet. I'm likely to eat my foot. Knowing that, i still can't close it yet. What if I receive a message?

Kyuss time. \m/

I had a weird sensation in my throat earlier. I wonder what corkscrew esophagus feels like. It was unpleasant, whatever it was. Too many cigarettes I figure. Thoughts now turning to the coming days. Will I get that jazz I'm waiting on? Should I go buy more marijuana or alcohol? I should let any readers know, I do in fact have Crohn's disease, a condition which Health Canada recognizes as potentially benefiting from medical marijuana use. Now, the local gastroenterologist said he believes marijuana only benefits the terminally ill, and it is against his personal beliefs to prescribe it otherwise. Meanwhile, I went from seven pills a day to a few puffs a day. So, yes it is still illegal for me, but I could put up a good fight in court. So, I'm probably not worth trying to prosecute, especially considering I know that juries determine guilt not based on law, but based on personal ethics, I think I could convey the difference quite well in court. Like, if someone stole bread to feed their family, yes the stole, but for a good reason. Yes I consume illegal drugs, but they genuinely help me. But that is a post for another day.

\m/Supa Scoopa & Mighty Scoop!\m/

stream of thought, change of pace,

2008-10-07T13:14:00.003-03:00

It's five o'clock somewhere.
How early is too early to start drinking?
I mean in the day, not in life.

It's like everywhere I look there's a sad problem waiting to be fixed. But they don't want to be fixed, just acknowledged. I'm tired of acknowledging. I just want to relax. Is that so much to ask?

I can't even sit and read, I'm too distracted. But is that my fault? Probably, because even if it isn't my fault, it's my fault for sticking around. But should I just up and leave? I don't have money for first and last month's rent, plus damage deposit, plus a deposit on cable, I shouldn't need one for electricity. I'd need a bunch of start up cash.

Also, once I was out again, I'd have to work a lot more. Paying the bills solo, just internet, cable, electricity and food would be enough to cause financial trouble, let alone rent. Still, I could play whatever music I want whenever I want as loud as I want(neighbour permitting). I could drink without being constantly guilted about it. I can already smoke marijuana unrestricted. I could buy only foods I enjoy. That's always fun; when everything in the kitchen is something you know you like.

I miss my deep-fryer. Frying up potatoes almost daily, with various side meats, always tasty.

I'm going to make some green dragon soon, as this requires little to no kitchen use. But, If I had my own place again, I could do many more elaborate procedures. Isolating compounds, combining compounds, synthesizing compounds. Even just growing a few poppies. In time, I'd like to try my hand at brewing and distilling, but the equipment required is typically delicate and expensive. Marijuana is hops' cousin though, so you know we have to try cannabeer.

So, in staying where I am, I limit my options to those that are generally regarded as safe. If I moved out and got my hands dirty, I'd be risking not only potentially deadly toxin exposure, but some serious jail time if my activities attracted any attention. Well, then again, I'd most likely be using RCs, technically not illegal, although I would be using them in ways other than directed. But home distilling and opium production, even if just for personal use, is frowned upon.

I think maybe I've been over-reactive lately. Like any minor set back seems like a major inconvenience. Everything is a personal attack on me as well. Delusions of reference I guess. I think now, that I'm going to be able to keep it together. In the not too distant future, I can see better times. Less pressing stress anyway, and that alone will be a load off my mind. It's not all dependent on me though, so I've got to keep my fingers crossed for the next week or so. After that, I should be in the clear for a bit. Or maybe the calm before the storm. Whichever it is, should be a nice change of pace.

stream of thought from the loner stoner

2008-10-05T00:07:00.007-03:00

The Devil and the Deep Blue Sea.
I heard that line in a song today, on SNL, the Killers were the musical guest.
Reminded me of 'Other Side' by Aerosmith.
With the line;

"Lovin' you has got to be,
like the devil and the deep blue sea"

In the killers song, the line comes after something about crossing over.
Cross over, to where, the other side perhaps? With the devil and the deep blue sea? I'm not sure about that jazz. But the rest of the killers song reminds me of my current mental afflictions. Spaceman is the name.

***

Modest Mouse Float On is awesome. The video is so fitting. We'll all float on alright, be the end of the line is always the same.

Dashboard "Well it woulda been coulda been worse than you would ever know". So true. Hopefully about the 'than you will ever know' part. Oh the dashboard melted but we still had the radio!

A pang of sadness. She used to like when I would sing for her, even type-singing.

I'm thinking now about the band Cake, the album Comfort Eagle, the drug LSD. We had some good times, me acid and cake. "His cigarette is burning, but he never seems to ash (ash)".

They say there is a fine line between genius and insanity. I'd say they are two sides of the same coin. There is a certain knowledge that can tear you apart in ways you may never have imagined, perhaps the inspiration for the writings on hell and the inferno. But this knowledge too, can lift you up to the height of a god. But isn't being a god hellish? The balance of knowledge and power is one side of the coin. The unrestrained use of power without knowledge and reason is the other.

Primus now.

"WEEEEEEEEEEEE, uh-EEEEE-eeeee-EEEEeuuh"

Tool now.
Not much thinking going on now. Just things like "Do I have a Valium lying around somewhere?" Took two Benadryl a few minutes ago. I feel bad, as it had been about two weeks since I had taken any. But, I also realize the one night in two weeks is better than missing probably 5 nights in 6 or 8 months. Still though, I should continue to curb my habits. I hate using sayings I don't fully understand, so I had to look up the definition of curb. That's better.

46 & 2
Such a good song.

Now the salival version of pushit, well, live slow version to be more accurate.

I was wondering today if imprecision doesn't often give rise to accidental discoveries. Serendipity I believe is the one word term. Like, "hey, that scribble kinda looks like an awesome rhino", or something similar.

The connectedness of all things weighs heavy. Guilt at the thought of stealing from another before the act, makes it difficult to even carry out. Makes you a better person though. At times, it must be dimmed. I think perhaps that's what alcohol does; brings my thoughts more to a focus on temporal matters. Put me here and now. At least for a while. I have a hard time regulating my intoxication level with alcohol. I seem to always want more. I can't even remember the last time I felt too drunk. But I guess that's a good thing. I anticipate thirst, and buy accordingly.

The benadryl is coming on now. Do I stay up and buzz harder, or sleep now while I'm drowsy? I think I'll try and sleep. Saves biting my tongue. May random find you well. \m/

stream of thought

2008-10-04T05:19:00.003-03:00

I had a dream while napping this evening. My brother was home for a visit. We were discussing video games. I can't remember much else now.

I've been lurking online only briefly these past few days. I've been feeling pretty frustrated as of late. I get short with my family, though I am usually able to keep it internal. Sometimes it just seems like every question someone presents me is designed to make me have to think and speak clearly about.... *cough* *cough*

Fuck that.

My paycheck was a little lighter than usually this week, on account of my missing work due to illness. Now, I have no money for recreational alcohol. I...

Terms like 'ECHELON' and 'Total Information Awareness' and 'Data-Mining' are forcing themselves into my head. Am I being monitored?

The art of distraction comes in handy yet again.

Results (part 3)

2008-10-01T02:14:00.004-03:00

I still can't contact her.
I can get so close, but I can't type anything.
I feel pretty worthless, which is not helping me go back on my decision.
That's the thing, as soon as you bolt, you have to keep running. It gets harder and harder to explain why you ran the longer you go. Especially when you don't really know yourself.

I'm kinda listening, hoping she drops by to yell at me or something. I have it coming, and it would probably wake me up enough to act. I hope so anyway. Maybe I watch too many movies. Damn Hollywood.

Side note, strange visual distortions now, like a clear hair is lying on my field of vision, looped on one end. Or like a stringy darkening of vision. Not too comforting. Especially with just regular cannabis use and being on my second drink in as many hours. More kief than usual, perhaps this is related?

Sound outside! You idiot, you know she's not coming, why would she, you didn't contact her to invite her over. You could have, probably should have, but didn't. Now, what a surprise, alone again. But, it still feels like alone at least, after a day with my parents and uncle, waking up ten minutes before work, this thing hanging over my head all day. I could hardly follow tv or listen to what people said, I'd zone out and think, oh man, I hope she's not sad. Then come back and be totally lost for a moment.

I had an insight earlier, it's like I want to hang out with her, but do I have to come too? If I wasn't there I could go, all ghosty. Of course, that would be hellish, because if I were a ghost, she would surely not mourn my death forever, and if I were to haunt her, I would inevitably be forced to see her with someone else. It would be oh-so exquisitely painful, watching some buffoon do so easily what I can't seem to for the life of me. Quite literally, for the life of me, in that case.

But even now, it's like, where am I heading? Am I just planning to self destruct, and I don't want to bring her down with me? Oh this picking it apart is bad too. I sound so whiny, cowardly, self-righteous and pathetic. Maybe I am doing her a favor. Fuck I wish I could get drunk. No, that's not quite it, sleep? I hope I get a good nights sleep and wake up feeling rested and relaxed. I haven't had that in a while.

I think I've been posting here too much, not enough substance. At the same time, too much is better than none. I'll probably try and cut back a bit, hit the hardcopy books up for some immersive sci-fi reading. Try an stay offline for a bit, so I'm not immediately reminded of what a douche I am every time I log on. Right now, I've not got too much on my mind. I fucked this thing up for now at least, work's pretty much stable. Money's not a big concern, though more would be nice. I've been like getting drunk and chatting with her. And now that she's nearby, I totally lose my nerve and disappear. So, because I've not really been doing much else, I don't have a whole lot in mind to distract me. Just painful reevaluation.

So, read some books, hopefully blow my mind, think about new things, maybe post about them. In time, I'll probably communicate with her, she's not one to hold a grudge. I may have missed my chance with her, but maybe not. Hopefully I will eventually get my head out of my ass and remember how to interact with people again. If not, it could be a long, painful existence.

Results (part 2)

2008-09-30T23:09:00.005-03:00

So I sent that offline message. I told her I'd be online later between like 5 and 7. Sure enough, when I appeared offline, she was there. I immediately started to panic. I felt my heart beat getting more intense, louder in my ears. I couldn't think. I signed in for real, no ghosting around. I double clicked her name, I had the window open. Then I froze.

I was thinking to myself, what do I say? Should I just say hey? How's it going? Should I be all intense and ballsy? Maybe that crazy fucker in Dr. Strangelove was half-right, right that we're being poisoned, wrong about it being fluoride. Xenoestrogens, like bisphenol-A. Synthetic chemicals that mimic estrogen in the body, but are not broken down like estrogen, and in fact have been accumulating in our environment for decades now. Controversial effects have been postulated. Even so, lame excuse; I am so riddled with girl-hormones that I don't know how to take the initiative. Fuck I hope that's not true.

It's like not too late to go out even, and I've already resigned myself to hiding. I may slink out to a bar for a night-cap, but even that is unlikely at this point. Do I really think of myself as unworthy of human affection? Am I unreasonably scared of disease? Am I just unable to allow myself to be happy? Why do I keep sabotaging myself? Do I feel unworthy of rest and company? What have I done so wrong that I'd condemn myself to a life of solitude?

I might be more likable if I was mostly sedated. Even some mild brain damage might make me more relateable. I'm like, yah computers, I know how you feel. Wasted. And not in the good way.

I probably want to get my shit together, get the fuck back out of the rents house, get a better job or secure a loan for further schoolin'. Why not wait until I'm done school? OR after the loans are paid? Or after I have my own house? Or after I retire? Yeah, that'll be fun, talking junior to his first day of school at like 71 years old. So go now? ...I cannot.

I'm going to look back at my life someday, and see it as a long string of crushing failures punctuated with minor success' and terrible trade offs. And yet, I feel powerless to change. I'm like, fuck I'm such a scumbag, nobody would want me, and this girl goes "I do", and I'm like, well you must not know me well enough yet. Perhaps if I jerk you around you will see me in a less flattering light. Like, I'm like driving her away, and reaching out when I'm drunk. Wow, I might be a cliche.

I need to do some serious neural pruning I think, too much in my startup files. Gotta trim the fat, less processes running, more focus. Too much information flying around my head, it's like, here's the cynic view, the optimist view, the rich man's view, the crazy man's view, and the religious man's view, all working off the same sensory data, all fighting over how to interpret it. It's not that I have different voices in my head or different personalities(I don't think), but that I can shift my perspective easily to imagine my interests and priorities are different.

Tick-tock, tick-tock. Time's a wasting. I'm sitting here digging in my shit while she's counting down the time she has left in town. What a jerk I must be. Maybe I will make that night-cap after all. Dread and shame right now. Not much fun.

"When life's hard, you have to change"
-Blind Melon

Going to listen to that I think. Good luck.

Results (part 1?)

2008-09-30T03:08:00.005-03:00

So, she came and got me, quite late at night.
We drove around for a while, talking, listening to music, smoking.
I could barely stand to look at her. She looked good. It hurts me that I didn't tell her.
I was like paralyzed with fear whenever I felt the sexual energy. But at the same time, I don't think it was a matter of blood for my brain being redirected elsewhere, just like overload. I'm like, ok, if I initiate something, where will it go? And I just don't know. And I stop. And I'm listening and looking and thinking, "What is she thinking? Does she want me to kiss her? She's talking right now. Am I sick with some infectious disease I haven't been diagnosed with?" That sort of thing. She checked the time, I said let's 'Head'er back" or something equally eloquent.

Still though, overall, hardly had my foot in my mouth the whole time. Very few awkward silences. Why couldn't I make a move? What's my block? It's like fucking deja vu; I get down to the beach in a car, and end up talking for an hour, and driving home. One time I initiated, and I achieved some measure of success. Why then, am I seemingly unable to do so again?

Was it because we drove around so long I started to sober up? Even though it was only a little, was it enough to shatter my confidence? I should have invited her in, I realize now that I'm on my second drink since returning. God, what an idiot. I can't even remember what we talked about. I remember a snippet about being religious when it's convenient. Fish tattoo. Fish in general. She had a pipe shaped like a fish. She was wearing glasses. Brown pants. It's like, I spaced out when I was thinking about saying something to lead us, well, together, at least temporarily. When I'd zone back in, I'd lose my nerve and mutter or something.

I don't think I pandered, which is always unappealing. I hope I wasn't too harsh either. Sometimes I can be a little quick on the draw with my comments. What is she thinking now? What does she think of me? Does she think I only like her when I'm drunk? That is not the case, but I can understand how one could think that. I am often much more truthful with regard to my inner thoughts when I am intoxicated. Thus, I am able to tell her how I feel a bit when I'm drunk, not because I'm only attracted to her drunk, but because I've only got the nerve to tell her drunk. Lame excuse or not, it's like fuck, I know I like her, why can't I tell her. I'm angry and laughing at the same time. It's like fuck Marc, you're so stupid sometimes.

So again, overall, it was fun. It was stressful, but that was exciting. I hope she isn't insulted by my not getting sexual. I would like to try this again, perhaps sober from the start, see how that works. Start earlier too, don't wait until 1:30am to get things rolling. More time to ease closer.

What have I learned; I am attracted to her, I still have difficult initiating, marijuana and light alcohol intoxication doesn't cut through the difficulty, I am still concerned that I might be unworthy or apparently unclean, and I AM able to spend time alone with her without it being too awkward. If we had been sitting side-by-side, I'd have put my arm around her, and that would have been a good start. I should try and watch that DVD with her tomorrow, that would certainly provide the right kind of circumstances.

I'll probably send her an offline message(hopefully she's offline) after this telling her that I thought she looked good. Chicks dig that sorta thing. Better late than never I figure. Well, again, time will tell on this one. Good luck.