I don't want to talk about it.

But I can't think about anything else right now.

I feel like crying, maybe I'll just go back to bed.

Stupid hemophiliac ego.

Nah, it's more like, damn runaway mind.

Had to use icing sugar for my coffee, no more of the regular kind. No cream, no milk, no whitener. That's ok though, I can drink coffee without whitening agents. The sugar's a little weird though. It seems like the icing sugar is less sweet by volume than standard granulated sugar. As well as I can discern anyway.

***

Time has passed.
I'm feeling a little better, not so shaky. A little edgy from coffee maybe, but better. I read some online, it's somewhat hard to find good advice online with regard to relationships. A lot of sites seem to cater to wannabe pickup artists rather than serious individuals in loving relationships. Perhaps that is my search criteria though.

I did find some useful information, but I suppose perspective is what I really gained. I worry too much about little things, like I'm programmed to worry, and if there is nothing real for me to worry about, I see connections that aren't there and find reasons to worry. I'm so neurotic.

I'm going to make some pork chops and mashed potatoes to bring to Michelle at work. I feel somewhat foolish for freaking out so much earlier. She sort of lied to me though. That bothered me, but I can see now why she did, and I feel bad for making a big deal out of it.

Part of me still wonders about things, but I don't want to pursue my curiosity too far. If something is wrong or not going to work, time will tell. Might as well enjoy the harmony while it lasts. Hopefully, it will continue to last. I don't want to sound negative about our relationship, it's good, great even. There's no indication that we're in trouble or anything. I just worry that she'll find someone better someday or something, or I'll slip into alcoholism again or drug abuse, and she won't want me anymore.

Done the potatoes, starting on the chops now. I hope she enjoys them. I hope I bread them well. We drove home yesterday with an old friend. Mutual friend even. I guess Michelle knew the fellow from high school days. She was there when he smoked pot for the first time. She certainly did not express any interest in that fellow. In fact, she expressed some distaste with regard to his attitude. I concurred.

She spent almost the whole trip listening to her ipod, not involved in the conversation. Sometimes, her silence makes me nervous, like she's thinking about things she would rather not speak of. Not speak with me anyway. I do tend to freak out often, so I can't say I blame her for not wanting to share everything with me. But I do wish she would try. I mean, I freak out, but it usually doesn't last long, and it isn't too crazy. Rather than bottling things up until they fester and eat you from the inside, finally bursting out in a terrible storm of emotion. I don't look forward to meeting up with "Hurricane Michelle".

***

Pork chops are sizzling away now, frying in the pan. Should flip them soon, and assemble a lunch for m'lady, and off to visit her. Hmmm, slightly burnt, these pork chops be. But the breading stuck to them at least, that's kind of the hard part to making these particular pork chops. Watching X-files, cooking, writing, smoking. Multi-tasking to say the least. Spoke to Michelle not long ago, she called to see if I was cooking yet.

Now the food is done, packaged up and ready to go. I am going to relax and smoke a cigarette, then call Michelle, and head out to visit her at her place of employment. Sorry if this is boring to read, not a whole lot going on. Perhaps later, while I work, I will discuss my trip to Bathurst for Thanksgiving or my school preparation issues. Maybe I should make a call about that now...

May random find you well,
\m/