No Vember Thirtieth

I'm all nervous feeling and shaky. I don't know if it's too much caffeine, or not enough alcohol. I know, it sounds shady, but I was reading in my medical text today about how alcohol stops involuntary tremors. I went out at lunch, had a quick nip, then back to class. I was a little nervous at first, that I might let out a big beer-burp or something, but nothing happened. I didn't sweat profusely, if anything, I was less nervous than I generally am when I speak in class. Still though, a dangerous road, drinking at school. Drinking early in the day, on a regular basis, isn't generally a good idea, in my experience anyway.

So, in addition to my sweaty-shaky-vomitous-feverish good times, I've been a little jealous of Michelle's work colleagues again. I remembered though, that she loves me, and all that good stuff. I also elaborated a bit, realizing that if she did meet someone at work that she preferred over me, it would be awful of me to try and keep them apart for my own selfish gains. If I love her, and want her to be happy, I should really stop worrying about other guys. Other guys will always be around, and if she wants one, there's nothing I can do to stop her. And, if it made her happier than she is now, I wouldn't want to stop her. Well, ok, I'd want to, but I probably wouldn't. I probably couldn't might be more accurate. I'm all about italics tonight.

So yeah, I'm going to try and relax about that. It just makes me sad that she ends up spending 12 hours a day with some of these guys, and I see her an hour before work in the morning, at the most, and in the evening until one of us goes to sleep. Even then, at night, often one or both of us are stressed from our day, Michelle likes to rant, if she rants about her male coworkers a lot, I usually get sad. Of course, I'm always worried that we aren't having sex enough, but then I drink to try and relax or because my mouth hurts, or even hanging out with Michelle playing Mario Kart for shots, and I get sad, or worse. Then I feel bad, and unworthy, and I just cower and hide for a while. Needless to say; not very attractive. So yeah, I shoot myself in the foot too.

Oh, and for the record, my mouth hurts because I had a tooth pulled last weekend. Not just two days ago(it's Monday today), but the Saturday before that. A molar. Kinda got some dry-socket going on I think. Not too-too bad, but you know, I smoke, and I smoked the day I had it pulled, so it's not entirely unexpected. There I go again with shooting myself in the foot.

God I miss her, I'm going to go meet her at work soon. I'm going to try and just be cool and not try and get into her pants tonight. I'm going to try I say, because it's hard for me to not like, touch her or want to touch her when I look at her and stuff. I guess I probably freak out over touch too much, I don't know. Something isn't quite right on my end I think, probably why I can't quite figure it out; because it's my problem.

December tomorrow; the month of Christmas and my birthday, as well as the new year. Two weeks off of school too, and a trip to Bathurst featuring turkey and family, always fun. I need to pick up a bus pass tonight though, if I think about it. I wonder if I would have time to get one before I meet Michelle. But I digress. Later this week, my mom is staying with us for the night. She's visiting a friend nearby and wants to stop in on her way back and do some shopping. She's bringing me my old jacket, which is good, because the zipper broke on my new one. There's velcro to hold it closed, but no buttons, so, at best it's pretty breezy. Also my mason jars will be coming, time to resurrect Project Green Dragon perhaps? Lots to look forward to anyway.

Well that about wraps things up for now. May random find you well. Have a good one.
\m/

Ranting the Day Away

I'm so horny I could cry, just to get some fluids out.

I masturbated yesterday, the only reason I know I went off is that my hand got all wet. I couldn't even feel it. What happened to me?

Ok, so maybe it isn't all pent-up horniness. I haven't been sleeping all that much, and I had my first week of school which involved a lot of early, long days. I have to get the bus at 7:15 to make it to school for my 8:15 class.

This is the first time I've made regular use of a public transit system, and I must say, not too shabby. I was able to get a monthly pass at the student rate of 44$, which is much better than what I would pay at 2$ a ride. And I can pretty much get anywhere I want to go in less than an hour if I check the schedule first or I am taking a route I know. And it sure beats walking when you've got a bag or two full of stuff with you, or it's cold or raining out, or you're tired.

But yeah, so I've been learning to navigate the bus system is Moncton this past week, it isn't too difficult to figure out. But, starting last Sunday night, I developed an abscess problem at my tailbone that was quite troubling. I could hardly sit normally, and was wearing a wad of toilet paper in my underwear in anticipation of its disgusting eruption. So, as you can imagine, m first day of school, Monday morning, was a little awkward. I had to slowly lower myself into a chair and shift positions often to not be in constant pain. It was a long day, having been my first day that started so early and lasted all day, with no nap or anything! Then with the butt thing, and carrying a bag full of books, and riding the bus for an hour or so, and no weed all day, I was in a pretty bad mood.

I feel bad about that, because Michelle had made me supper, and I was tired and dirty, and I had lived on coffee and cigarettes, and didn't smoke weed yet, so I wasn't hungry. Then, I was a little upset that the apartment was pretty much dirtier than when I left, and the laundry was not done. Now, I know I sound really sexist, like, "Clean my shorts woman!", but really, it was just because she had said she would and then didn't that I was upset. That, and I knew I needed to do laundry before school tomorrow, and now would have to be doing that for a while, which means keeping my pants on and going through the building to the basement a few times. Again, it isn't that this is women's work, in fact, since we've lived here, I'm the one who has done all the laundry. She did some laundry at her parents place over Thanksgiving, but so did I at my parents place the same weekend. I don't know why I'm making a big deal here, just to say that I certainly do my fair share of laundry.

But yeah, so I was pretty ungrateful about supper Monday, and I felt bad about that. I ended up lancing and draining my butt-pimple thinger, which was probably a new record for gross pimple-poppings, at least preformed by me. It required quite a bit of cleanup afterwards anyway, and I still couldn't sit comfortably that night, but by the following morning, my ass was back in business! So, Tuesday should have been better, right? But no, now I had to deal with a leaky ass-pimple, and the toilet paper at school is like wiping your ass with a receipt. And I got home later, because school goes just a little bit too late for me to make the earlier bus. I went to the liquor store to buy some tiny airplane-sized bottles to "freshen up" up my energy drink. I stopped at a newsstand to buy a magazine for Michelle that she had been unable to find at a few stores she had checked close to home. Me either for that matter. But anyway, I got home, feeling fine, a little buzzed and bearing gifts, thinking I would be much more pleasant today. But then we started talking, I asked Michelle about her day, she told me she got up at 1pm, and then I said something like "Four hours ago!" and she got pretty angry, and told me something like "Could you let me talk for one freakin' second!", which put me in a bad mood pretty quick. Then when I started to rant and complain about my day, she told me I could quit school if I wanted to.

I was quite disheartened by this; when Michelle rants about her bad day at work, I don't tell her to quite her job. I listen, agree with what's reasonable, and...

***

Work got busy. I just came back from a break. I dropped the kids off at the pool; much more satisfying today then yesterday's "wet hand dilemma". I feel pretty foolish about getting all crazy. Now I'm more worried about my homework and that fucking essay I need to write for TSD for this Friday. I need to get in contact with people in the industry I am studying to enter and ask them about the job, and what kind of person succeeds in it, and how the job market is and that sort of thing. I mean, these are things I kind of already know, but I guess I need to speak with people already working in the industry, like five of them, as sources for this essay. But I also don't need to actually cite my sources I think, it's more of an informal essay. So, I may be able to get away with not actually conducting any research, so long as it all sounds good. I don't feel good about doing it that way though, I have a feeling it would come back to bite me in the ass.

I suppose, I could just use the appointment to sort of set things up further, get her to help me with my essay, make sure it sounds good and such. She wasn't too helpful last time I was there though, she made me feel pretty nervous about the whole thing.

***

More time has passed. My thought train has been through a few different stations, and is currently en route somewhere else. I'm trying to tie up some loose ends to finish this post neatly, but really, it wouldn't be accurate if I did clean things up all tidy. Things are still complex, with lots of positives and negatives all around, and some things whose value is unclear, that may be positive or negative, depending on one's perspective. It's exciting though; trying to determine how everything fits together, and how you fit in with everything. Working to better your position, and helping those you care about better themselves.

Also, I must mention, Christmas is coming, and it's pretty fun this year. I have some extra cash, and I think I'm doing pretty well with gift choices so far, in that the recipients should be pleased. I hope I don't go too crazy with the money, as I still have some stuff I could use, and I don't care much for asking for things. But I have a hard time making large purchases for myself. I 'lent' Michelle the money for a new camera, it's not a big deal or anything, but I kinda realized; the last time I spent that much money on myself, I bought this laptop, which was like, four years ago. I guess if I count all my expenses, some concerts and trips to Bathurst and Moncton when I lived in Bathurst were probably pretty close in price.

She'll get a lot of use out of it though, like me with the laptop, and she'll take care of it too. She's had her last camera, which is basically the analog version of the digital she picked up, for years now, and has never needed to take it in for repairs or anything. It just seems a little retarded to me, that I'm kinda sad because we don't get enough naked-time together, and I buy her gifts with my loan money. It seems like I should buy me gifts to cheer myself up. I guess I did buy a couple games and a controller for the gamecube, that was like 50$. It's not like I never get anything for myself, I just feel guilty about spending money that I guess I think of as ours on me. I don't know if I could ask her to lend me money to buy myself something, not that she would refuse, but I don't know if I could assert myself like that. I have that whole inferiority complex thing going on I guess.

I guess that's why I brought up my school stuff and what I was doing, because I don't think I'm perfect by any means. In fact, I'm not surprised Michelle hasn't been to eager to hop into be with me; I've been pretty grumpy. Who wants to sleep with that? Exactly. So, yeah, I'm kinda causing my own problems as of late. Maybe more than as of late, and maybe everyone does that, not just me. But then again, luck factors in. Or seems to anyway...

So, again, I try and end this post. I say see you in the future, and may random find you well.
Then I type in the hand thing,
\m/
..and I'm done.
Have a good one.

Ok, so maybe I spoke too soon.
I'm still pretty up and down, switching quickly between them.
Especially down, when I get down, that seems to hit me fast, like, within one breath fast.
Kinda like getting the wind knocked out of you I guess. But like, not so shuddery.

I got the urge to delete the blog again. That feeling of futility, like, why even bother.
Obviously I didn't do it if you're reading this. Unless you're that 'draft auto-saved' robot and you read this as I wrote it, but before I deleted my blog. I'm being a bit ridiculous I suppose.

I want to get drunk and touch myself, is that wrong?

I'm so all over the place. I've got to get up early tomorrow to go to Training and Skills Development Canada, so I can see about getting some government money to help with school, which starts in like literally, two weeks. I still have to apply for unemployment before I start school I believe, at least to get them to help with tuition and book costs. I suppose though, they could reimburse me.

I should take a break soon. I meant to take one now, but the calls are going good, and now I'm writing between calls, so, time is passing pretty well. If I start running out of things to say, or getting really hungry or something, or it starts getting late, then I'll take a break.

Am I sabotaging myself? Making sure I can't go to school or I fail at school? Why would I do such a thing? Hopefully, if I am trying to ruin myself, I will not succeed at it. Hopefully, I fail at ruining myself, because success would mean...

Ok, now I'm just being silly. Fooling around with words. Who likes puns? Who argues about semantics? Mememememememe!

Alright, well, it's getting close to 9, I imagine I'll be taking a break then. I don't know if I'll continue this post, as I'll likely be on a different thought train then. Might as well wrap this up, fairly concise. May random find you well.
\m/

I've been feeling pretty happy lately. Michelle and I had a bit of a rough patch, we talked it through though. It was a little scary, but we're like better than ever now. As long as I can keep for acting too retarded, we should stay that way.

It's not like we had a big fight or anything, just I had some stuff on my mind, foolish stuff mostly, and Michelle seemed to be quite distant. Really though, she was tired, and we were both sick, and not eating well, just a bunch of little stuff piling up. We told each other how we felt, that we were a little worried that we had offended each other in some way, and that we might each lose the other, so, being that we're both pretty paranoid, we tried to not say or do too much I guess. Less said, less chance something wrong is said. Makes sense, but that doesn't make it fun.

So we're back to being relaxed and joking with each other. It's nass to make her laugh a bunch, it makes me feel like, I don't know, useful or something? Productive? That sounds a little cold.

Hey look at me, I'm not a robot after all! And to think, I used to almost take pride in my lack of emotion. Now, I'm emoting like a madman, and I must say, even though at times it can be quite intense, it is a worthwhile experience. I say "I love you" ten times a day, I take her hand almost every time she is beside me, I ask for hugs and kisses and bum touches all the time too. I start to get a little whiny when I don't get them even. Also; not so dead inside. Almost always a good thing. ;)

Please note; by emoting, I do not mean to affiliate myself with the 'emo' movement, or whatever it is if it isn't a movement. A cultural phenomenon maybe? A trend? Anyway, no crying for me, just headaches and stomach maladies, and a particularly painful form of vasocongestion. Alright, so I'm ranting a bit now, but it's sort of enjoyable, so I'll just sort of keep writing, and see what comes up.

I've been almost goofy since we straightened things out, maybe even a little before then. Has it been since we got our pot? Maybe a little before that even. Was it getting paid that eased my mind? Hard to say. Anyway, I've been almost like a stoner stereotype or something, just grinning dumbly and laughing a lot and joking around. Mayhap, I've shifted my overall mood to the positive.

As I recall reading, we all are basically bipolar, it's just a matter of degrees. What I mean by overall mood-shift, is moving from the generally negative to generally positive mood. Just how positive or negative a mood you are in is what separates 'regular' people from those with a bipolar mood disorder, formerly known as manic depression.

So I guess, in somewhat more familiar terms, I may have shifted from a generally depressive to a generally manic state-of-mind. Manic as in mania, and maniacal. 8>

Fun fun!

Actually, more accurate for me would be a shift from generally being anxious, to generally being easily excited and distractable. Almost like a light stimulant high, or even a tiny bit of mdma. I feel all talkative and energetic. I lost track of my nail clipper at some point, usually I'm quite good at remembering where I put things and that sort of thing. Thing, thing thing...

Also, I've been parroting things, like that just now. I'll hear things and repeat them right back, sometimes without even noticing myself. I might be a bit annoying to be around as of late, but I back off when asked, at least for a minute or two. Then I forget what I was doing and my hands instinctively do what they do and touch whatever is around me, which may or may not be annoying, depending on one's tastes at any given moment.

I've got some things I should do after work. Go de-pawn my guitar, pick up m'lady's prescription, maybe do some groceries. We would both enjoy a new DVD box set I believe, perhaps we will look into that later. I wouldn't mind getting some beer as well. I am again, outer monologue, just thinking 'aloud'. Gee, all this blogging sure passes the time, almost 6, when I can take another break and be left with less than two hours when I come back. I like to try and end my shift with a period of less than two hours of work, so I wait as late as I can to take my break. Well, maybe not as late as I can, sometimes my shift ends early, and if I haven't taken my paid break by then, I won't get it. Bullshit anyway. Why can't I tack a break on the end if I am owed it based on the length of my shift? We even had an incentive where you could leave one shift a half hour early paid, basically what I would be doing if I tack a break on the end. But anyway, that doesn't really matter much.

Getting hungry now. Should I try and eat on my break? It's only 15 minutes, that doesn't give me much time. Especially if I want to make a coffee and smoke some yetis and use the bathroom. Maybe I'll just eat after work then. Off tomorrow, that will be nice. Working six in a row after that, so, better enjoy it.

I guess it'll be 6:15-6:30 for my break now. I'll have even less times when I come back now.

***
6:32, back from my break. I've got quite a list of 'Do Not Calls' to add to my timesheet, so I best get started on that. Thanks for your time, have a good one. May random find you well.
\m/

Throw a little more dirt on there...

So, I had this dream, where Michelle and I were making out in our bed, and I kept falling asleep on her. I woke up and apologized and tried to continue, but I kept falling asleep(in my dream this is). Seems fairly self-explanatory.

We went to Bathurst last weekend, it was a funner trip than when we went for the wedding this summer. We weren't so bored and broke and stranded...

What would it be like to be born on another planet, having never seen Earth? Would you dream of coming to Earth, to see the place where your species originated? Or would you take pride in your off-world ancestry? Would one born extraterrestrially find Earth too loud and busy, or even too full of life? Would all the plants and animals be overwhelming? I mean, if you were born on a desolate desert planet, where you can't walk outside without a totally secured environment-simulating suit complete with radiation shield and weighted boots, maybe shorts at the beach would just seem too weird for you. The ocean? Snow? Hail? Wind? A moon with phases?

What everyday things to us, might seem new, strange or exciting to those born and raised on another planet? Even a moon, or in another galaxy. Maybe the colour of our sun would seem amazing to someone born under a different 'sun'. I guess a different star would be more accurate.

"I was born, under a wanderin', wanderin' star"

Memories of childhood, my dad singing to me before bed. I still have yet to hear the original recording of that song. I don't even know who sings it. Perhaps, I will look that up now.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Wand%27rin%27_Star

Lee Marvin was probably the first person to make the song a hit, it was featured in Paint Your Wagon, both the stage and cinematic versions. My dad does enjoy the old western movies, so, it seems likely that this is where he heard the song. I guess it was a number one hit in the UK, it even kept The Beatles' famous 'Let it Be' at number two. I have yet to listen to the song, as I am presently working, and the sound would be too distracting right now. I will hopefully remember to listen to it later on.

Almost time to take a break(10:57PM), I wonder if Michelle is still awake. I still feel kinda bad about earlier. It's an inarticulate bad feeling too. Sort of guilty I guess, but I think it's closer to dread. Foreboding? That's pretty close; "a sense of impending evil or misfortune". Maybe it's just a general feeling of anxiety. I can't quite put my finger on it.

I've been noticing that more lately, like I can't quite find the right word for things. Or is it that I'm never quite satisfied with my phrasing and descriptive abilities. Do I need to expand my vocabulary? I do enjoy learning words from other languages(and writing in italics, apparently). I find it interesting to note similarities and differences between languages. In fact, if I have the time, I'll probably take some linguistics courses and courses in other languages before I'm through. For my own amusement even. This may never happen, as I'd have to have quite a bit of financial independence and free time, which seems unlikely to occur, at least in the near future.

I got a stab of anger and some sort of pain, like humiliation or jealousy. My mind wanders over certain topics, and I feel sick, like helpless and miserable. Doomed? Damn, I'm hitting quite a few spots of the emotional spectrum that I'm not used to, spots I may not want to become familiar with.

Work is getting busy now, it's after midnight, the home stretch. Last hour of my shift. Now is when I fill out my timesheets and prepare my refusal trackers to be sent in at the end of the night. Nothing too fancy. I'm done pretty early, 12:10...

I spoke too soon apparently, I'm switching projects again, go back to my timesheet, back to my timegrid, that's about it though. Not a real time consuming switching, as long as I don't switch two more times before the end of my shift or anything crazy like that. I miss Michelle. She's like two rooms away, she can probably hear me typing this right now, but still, I want to be touching her. Enough of that stuff though, I could go on and on without saying anything really.

Ugh, ok, so at about 12:30, I had to modify again. Whoop-dee-doo, why am I sharing this? outer monologue. I talk like this too, all over the place, filling in too much detail, losing my train of thought. I try to at least keep things entertaining. 8)
Have a good one,
May random find you well,
\m/

I don't want to talk about it.

But I can't think about anything else right now.

I feel like crying, maybe I'll just go back to bed.

Stupid hemophiliac ego.

Nah, it's more like, damn runaway mind.

Had to use icing sugar for my coffee, no more of the regular kind. No cream, no milk, no whitener. That's ok though, I can drink coffee without whitening agents. The sugar's a little weird though. It seems like the icing sugar is less sweet by volume than standard granulated sugar. As well as I can discern anyway.

***

Time has passed.
I'm feeling a little better, not so shaky. A little edgy from coffee maybe, but better. I read some online, it's somewhat hard to find good advice online with regard to relationships. A lot of sites seem to cater to wannabe pickup artists rather than serious individuals in loving relationships. Perhaps that is my search criteria though.

I did find some useful information, but I suppose perspective is what I really gained. I worry too much about little things, like I'm programmed to worry, and if there is nothing real for me to worry about, I see connections that aren't there and find reasons to worry. I'm so neurotic.

I'm going to make some pork chops and mashed potatoes to bring to Michelle at work. I feel somewhat foolish for freaking out so much earlier. She sort of lied to me though. That bothered me, but I can see now why she did, and I feel bad for making a big deal out of it.

Part of me still wonders about things, but I don't want to pursue my curiosity too far. If something is wrong or not going to work, time will tell. Might as well enjoy the harmony while it lasts. Hopefully, it will continue to last. I don't want to sound negative about our relationship, it's good, great even. There's no indication that we're in trouble or anything. I just worry that she'll find someone better someday or something, or I'll slip into alcoholism again or drug abuse, and she won't want me anymore.

Done the potatoes, starting on the chops now. I hope she enjoys them. I hope I bread them well. We drove home yesterday with an old friend. Mutual friend even. I guess Michelle knew the fellow from high school days. She was there when he smoked pot for the first time. She certainly did not express any interest in that fellow. In fact, she expressed some distaste with regard to his attitude. I concurred.

She spent almost the whole trip listening to her ipod, not involved in the conversation. Sometimes, her silence makes me nervous, like she's thinking about things she would rather not speak of. Not speak with me anyway. I do tend to freak out often, so I can't say I blame her for not wanting to share everything with me. But I do wish she would try. I mean, I freak out, but it usually doesn't last long, and it isn't too crazy. Rather than bottling things up until they fester and eat you from the inside, finally bursting out in a terrible storm of emotion. I don't look forward to meeting up with "Hurricane Michelle".

***

Pork chops are sizzling away now, frying in the pan. Should flip them soon, and assemble a lunch for m'lady, and off to visit her. Hmmm, slightly burnt, these pork chops be. But the breading stuck to them at least, that's kind of the hard part to making these particular pork chops. Watching X-files, cooking, writing, smoking. Multi-tasking to say the least. Spoke to Michelle not long ago, she called to see if I was cooking yet.

Now the food is done, packaged up and ready to go. I am going to relax and smoke a cigarette, then call Michelle, and head out to visit her at her place of employment. Sorry if this is boring to read, not a whole lot going on. Perhaps later, while I work, I will discuss my trip to Bathurst for Thanksgiving or my school preparation issues. Maybe I should make a call about that now...

May random find you well,
\m/

Post Burial

Am I drinking too much coffee?
Or smoking too much weed?
Am I not getting enough sleep?
Am I not eating well enough?

I've been acting pretty insecure lately, always wanting to be touched and needing reinforcement and such. I've been worrying about school too, the fact that it starts in less than a month, and I'm not ready to go yet.

I don't mean to say I'm not ready to get up early and cross town to go learn for eight hours and then cross town to get home, where I may or may not have to work for 7 hours or so. But rather, the funding finalities, and the acquiring of school supplies, and mapping out the bus route to school are what bother me now. With regard to school anyway.

I guess bother might be too strong a word. Or too negative. Beckon might be what I mean. What beckons me lately, not regarding school of course, is her. I want to turn myself into a blanket so I can wrap around her, touching her everywhere at once. I want her to want the same, to want to constantly be touching me everywhere. But, alas, this is not the case.

I feel like I must be bipolar and switching emotional directions, because I seem so easily frightened or discouraged, like any little setback will have me ready to give up and go hide. Is it because I drank a little alcohol a few days in a row? Is it the marijuana?

For the first time in a while, we have gone an entire week without running out of marijuana. We had to buy a fair amount to accomplish this, but as I had worked something like 17 days in a row, I felt I had earned the right to spend a little extra on us. No argument against was made, and bam, we had made a decision.

Oh, I forgot to mention, I've been sort of retarded lately. Sorry, I don't mean to offend, it's just, I've been acting like I have some sort of diminished mental faculties. Like, my jokes are lame, my thoughts have been almost animal in their baseness, and my actions are clumsy and irregular.

We did our thing today, and my rhythm was all off initially. We had fun, she had multiple funs. She half-offered, like in a you "You don't want me to..." sort of way. I right wanted her to. I feel so pervy for wanting her so much. It's like, that was fun, now, let's do it again, but dirtier. I just can't seem to get enough.

But really though, that's not a totally bad thing. It would be sort of disappointing if I was like "Oh no thank you madam, I've had my fill for today". I'm going to have to do some research with regard to sex-drive and emotional cycles, to see if something is wrong with me, like a vitamin deficiency or something equally simple to remedy.

My supervisor was just hassling me because I took too long on my unscheduled break. I took less than eight minutes to use the bathroom and return to my station. Not unreasonable in my opinion. But, I was told I should dock this from my next break. Only at call centres...

Stream of thought

My head hurts.

I've been snotting for days and days.

Will this cold never end?

It probably is the swine flu.



Space. I don't know if I want space. Maybe I'm just being ridiculous.

But contact sure is nice.



It's true that I worry too much.



Damn internet, always showing me the worst case scenarios.



Ahh well, at least Trent Reznor knows what's going on.



Which is to say I'm in a Nine Inch Nails mood.

I feel sort of bad, because I need to provide some space.

The internet says that is a bad thing. I know myself I've been too, I don't know, accommodating?

But what do I do? Refuse a request from my lady love? Maybe if I just have a little more presence. I feel like I give up and give in to anything, never putting myself first. That can't be true though, alcohol has that reversing effect, where only I'm important or something. I don't know, I'm just rambling now.



I feel selfish for thinking but, sometimes I think I give more than I receive in the relationship.

I never figured myself for a good boyfriend, walking her to work and making her food and going to the store for her whenever she asks. But like, I guess I'm around too much, and I'm wearing thin probably. Even I get tired of myself, so I guess it's not entirely surprising.

***

The laptop overheated and shutdown mid-post earlier. No subtlety there. As if to say, "Quit your complaining!", the universe told me it had heard/seen/been enough by shutting my posting-power down. I guess doing a google search for "gf needs space" might not have been the best idea to inspire confidence in myself.

This cigarette tastes like getting new toys felt as a kid. The smell of the fresh plastic packaging and toys venting their dangerous chemical fumes, a memory brought back by inhaling an instantly active drug. A drug designed to stimulate the pleasure centers of the brain, made me remember the smell given off by new toys, coincidence? Is this smell added on purpose, to get kids to associate buying new things with experiencing pleasure? Not a terrible idea if your interests include ensuring the continuation of a commercial society.

Reading on websites like TFLN and FML, where ladies talk about their various triumphs and losses in the world of blow jobs, makes me wonder if my girlfriend has some kind of mental block with regard to fellatio. She seems so apprehensive, that I wonder if she isn't flat-out scared of blow jobs, or even penises altogether. Could she be a lesbian, and I'm just girly enough for her to enjoy sex with me? That's a somewhat frightening prospect. She has preformed them before, a few times. I believe with fellows she wasn't even going out with, which is kind of a slap in the face. It's like, "Oh, this guy who I just fooled around with for a few weeks, I put his cock in my mouth, but you, whose name I want to take, who's child I would not abort, I won't do that for you.". It just feels like she's holding back from me. I mean, she has never suggested anything that I didn't immediately try out. She hasn't suggested much though.

I feel bad again, for not being entirely satisfied with my current sexual situation. Like I'm being ungrateful, as this time last year, it was nothing but hand, and mine at that. I should be glad she lets me touch her at all. I do enjoy that very much. But it's like, if I ask her to rub my neck or scratch my back, she does it for 10 seconds then spaces out and continues what she was doing. We were having sex for the second time the other night, and I ran out of steam, and asked her to finish me off, and she told me "No, that would take too long", as though I hadn't used all my energy on her for longer than it would take for me to finish. That's confusing. To make it clear; I was tired because I pleasured her all through my refractory period(the time it takes to 'reload', as it were).

That ties into a previous thought of mine; perhaps I am too generous in bed with her. What I mean is, she ends up very satisfied and tired well before I do, so I often end up unsatisfied, as it's sad to satisfy myself at the point, and frankly, not that satisfying. So what am I to do then, withhold myself from her? Refuse to do things until she does the equivalent? That could leave me feeling even worse, sort of like now, where I feel like I can't touch her, and she can touch me, but usually does so only fleetingly.

I just spoke with her on my break. It made me a little sad to talk with her. We're going to Bathurst for Thanksgiving this weekend. We may have a good time, but I'm not getting my hopes up. Often, we end up stranded with nothing to smoke and nothing to do and no way to get anywhere. Also, she said see you tomorrow, like she assumes I'm not going to visit her later. Why wouldn't I, unless she doesn't want me to? Now I'm being paranoid(hopefully anyway). I did say something like "See you tomorrow" when she left for work. But I meant like, after midnight, because I work until at least 1am, not because I wouldn't see her until tomorrow morning when she gets off work. Actually, she said "See you in the morning", not "See you tomorrow", I think the distinction is important now.

I'm rambling again, but what else is new. I'm quite erratic lately, up one minute, down the next. I feel a little scattered, a little frustrated, a little exposed. Over tired maybe, makes sense I guess. I feel a bit like I'm at my wit's end. I feel guilty about writing this stuff, especially the intimate details of our sex life, but I don't really have another outlet. I could have written this on paper I suppose, but then the might find it, read it, and be offended or feel bad or something. She knows I have a blog, and I have sent her links before I think, but she doesn't check it. She gives me my space...

I've been updating this post now for almost four hours. I started it hours before that, until the computer overheated and 'passed out' on me. I've come full circle, the catharsis achieved. It is this space that allows me to vent and externalize and self-analyze. Is this the 'space' she wants? It seems so simple now, why did I freak out earlier? All she wanted was some time alone to organize her thoughts and such. She was probably too mentally congested to articulate that. Or I'm too inattentive to have understood before now. Either way, I feel a little better now. Damn google had led me to believe Michelle was essentially done with me and that she needed space to make an escape or something, not that I'm trying to 'trap' her or anything.

Well, this seems like a good place to stop posting, and go back to my regular internet browsing.
May random find you well.
-agent_of_truth
10:30PM