fuck joseph-gordon levitt

he bites his tongue
swallows his pride
hides his pain
deep inside

but to what end, does he befriend this sorrow?

If only to hold on,
'til tomorrow

"Can I borrow a feeling,
can you lend me a jar of love"

So sad,
Milhouse's dad.
At one time it was a joke.

Thoughts I had,
Dreams good or bad,
Swallowed before their spoke.

Smoke when sad
Drink when mad
If I keep this up I'm going to choke.

Sing a song
Nothings wrong
Throat's to dry to hit the bong

SHUT UP SHUT UP AND TAKE A GRAVOL

Smoke a bowl and go to sleep
why bother talking
talk is cheap

just lay down and go to sleep
not mean
not bad
not being a creep

Questions and Answers

Here is a quick jotted list of questions i had for my spouse, in case I forget(valium);


Questions asked and answered;


Is Marc Bernard an ape-man? - Not exactly
Is he bigger than me? - Yes
Bigger cock or not proportional ?- I DoN'T KnoW! (evasive)
Cuz u said I was the biggest - not much of an answer given, basically "I DON'T KNOW!"
can beat me up not a big deal - Check
army; not a fan cuz Marc? - What? (Ricky DUnn, u said not army man) Well, I don't know marc wasn't in the army when i was with him he was retired (but did it MAKE him crazy?) No more than he already was....

Unasked;
Do you think the sex was unpleasant cuz you were both on speed, and didn't realize the dryness/increased longevity would make things difficult? Knowing that now, do you think things with Marc could at some point(say I die) be given another shot?
Or was it not unpleasant, just awkward? BASICALLY; WTF happened with him and you? WHEN, did you cheat on Stephane? Nah, i think it was between him and Kevin. But yah, what happened after? Did you talk to him the next day? How are you guys now? You gave him all your movies? Do you love him? He get army pension/sorry I'm a broke-ass?

Gay-Dan
Did you sleep in his bed(if so; with him? spooning?)? Kissing, like thank you kiss on the cheek(doubtful)? Hold each other close? bum touching(if so, who's)? Did he touch your tits(if so, thru shirt, bra or bare)? Crotch touches? just hand on pants or like crotch-to-crotch? How did that visit end? Talk to him after? When 'falling out' happened/why? No nudity, right?

5(or 6) guys Or 6? WTF? 1 may or may not count? May or may not have happened(don't know/remember)? Any from BHS? How many after Stephane? Sure never cheated? Anyone I know? Anyone named Steve or Bryan? No Jack either? All from Bathurst?

others
How many just got hj or bj or to give you one? Making out often include heavy petting? How many cocks you figure you've touched besides the 5-6 guys? How many seen(doesn't matter really)? How many guys have touched your vag? Tasted?
How many guys you think you went on a date/made out(or kissed)/hooked up/fooled around with?

ME
Is there anything I can do to set myself apart more so? How can I be better? Do you want to know anything about me/my past? Why do you feel the need to keep secrets from me? Do you trust me(I know, just you always ask me when I worry)?
Why aren't we having sex? Can I do something to improve the situation? Am I really the best you've ever had(i'd believe it, you seemed genuinely surprised a few times, heh heh)? The biggest(I know, size doesn't matter all that much, and mine kinda varies.... but it's ok if marc 'the monkey' bernard had a bigger wang. I still don't understand that shit...)?

YOU
Do you prefer women? ARE YOU SURE? Would you like to try that out maybe? Are you holding a grudge/punishing me(with regard to sex I mean, obviously you are in other ways 8P)? Am I stifling you(like too in your space)? Do you need some space? Why is there always some reason why you can't get comfortable with sex? When did that start? Was it when I moved in? Not long after perhaps? The summer you worked a ton and I hardly worked? Can we try to get more comfortable talking about(and hopefully having!) sex? PLEASE!!! Do you know I am jealous of thomas? I'm jealous of the camera, as you seem to be willing to do more with it than with me? I'm jealous of David, who some days seems to be more important to you than me? Are you pushing me away? WHAT'S UP WITH YOU?!?!?!?!?!


*****
End of list
So, am I crazy? IS this none of my business? Am I retarded? I don't know

No Vember Thirtieth

I'm all nervous feeling and shaky. I don't know if it's too much caffeine, or not enough alcohol. I know, it sounds shady, but I was reading in my medical text today about how alcohol stops involuntary tremors. I went out at lunch, had a quick nip, then back to class. I was a little nervous at first, that I might let out a big beer-burp or something, but nothing happened. I didn't sweat profusely, if anything, I was less nervous than I generally am when I speak in class. Still though, a dangerous road, drinking at school. Drinking early in the day, on a regular basis, isn't generally a good idea, in my experience anyway.

So, in addition to my sweaty-shaky-vomitous-feverish good times, I've been a little jealous of Michelle's work colleagues again. I remembered though, that she loves me, and all that good stuff. I also elaborated a bit, realizing that if she did meet someone at work that she preferred over me, it would be awful of me to try and keep them apart for my own selfish gains. If I love her, and want her to be happy, I should really stop worrying about other guys. Other guys will always be around, and if she wants one, there's nothing I can do to stop her. And, if it made her happier than she is now, I wouldn't want to stop her. Well, ok, I'd want to, but I probably wouldn't. I probably couldn't might be more accurate. I'm all about italics tonight.

So yeah, I'm going to try and relax about that. It just makes me sad that she ends up spending 12 hours a day with some of these guys, and I see her an hour before work in the morning, at the most, and in the evening until one of us goes to sleep. Even then, at night, often one or both of us are stressed from our day, Michelle likes to rant, if she rants about her male coworkers a lot, I usually get sad. Of course, I'm always worried that we aren't having sex enough, but then I drink to try and relax or because my mouth hurts, or even hanging out with Michelle playing Mario Kart for shots, and I get sad, or worse. Then I feel bad, and unworthy, and I just cower and hide for a while. Needless to say; not very attractive. So yeah, I shoot myself in the foot too.

Oh, and for the record, my mouth hurts because I had a tooth pulled last weekend. Not just two days ago(it's Monday today), but the Saturday before that. A molar. Kinda got some dry-socket going on I think. Not too-too bad, but you know, I smoke, and I smoked the day I had it pulled, so it's not entirely unexpected. There I go again with shooting myself in the foot.

God I miss her, I'm going to go meet her at work soon. I'm going to try and just be cool and not try and get into her pants tonight. I'm going to try I say, because it's hard for me to not like, touch her or want to touch her when I look at her and stuff. I guess I probably freak out over touch too much, I don't know. Something isn't quite right on my end I think, probably why I can't quite figure it out; because it's my problem.

December tomorrow; the month of Christmas and my birthday, as well as the new year. Two weeks off of school too, and a trip to Bathurst featuring turkey and family, always fun. I need to pick up a bus pass tonight though, if I think about it. I wonder if I would have time to get one before I meet Michelle. But I digress. Later this week, my mom is staying with us for the night. She's visiting a friend nearby and wants to stop in on her way back and do some shopping. She's bringing me my old jacket, which is good, because the zipper broke on my new one. There's velcro to hold it closed, but no buttons, so, at best it's pretty breezy. Also my mason jars will be coming, time to resurrect Project Green Dragon perhaps? Lots to look forward to anyway.

Well that about wraps things up for now. May random find you well. Have a good one.
\m/

Ranting the Day Away

I'm so horny I could cry, just to get some fluids out.

I masturbated yesterday, the only reason I know I went off is that my hand got all wet. I couldn't even feel it. What happened to me?

Ok, so maybe it isn't all pent-up horniness. I haven't been sleeping all that much, and I had my first week of school which involved a lot of early, long days. I have to get the bus at 7:15 to make it to school for my 8:15 class.

This is the first time I've made regular use of a public transit system, and I must say, not too shabby. I was able to get a monthly pass at the student rate of 44$, which is much better than what I would pay at 2$ a ride. And I can pretty much get anywhere I want to go in less than an hour if I check the schedule first or I am taking a route I know. And it sure beats walking when you've got a bag or two full of stuff with you, or it's cold or raining out, or you're tired.

But yeah, so I've been learning to navigate the bus system is Moncton this past week, it isn't too difficult to figure out. But, starting last Sunday night, I developed an abscess problem at my tailbone that was quite troubling. I could hardly sit normally, and was wearing a wad of toilet paper in my underwear in anticipation of its disgusting eruption. So, as you can imagine, m first day of school, Monday morning, was a little awkward. I had to slowly lower myself into a chair and shift positions often to not be in constant pain. It was a long day, having been my first day that started so early and lasted all day, with no nap or anything! Then with the butt thing, and carrying a bag full of books, and riding the bus for an hour or so, and no weed all day, I was in a pretty bad mood.

I feel bad about that, because Michelle had made me supper, and I was tired and dirty, and I had lived on coffee and cigarettes, and didn't smoke weed yet, so I wasn't hungry. Then, I was a little upset that the apartment was pretty much dirtier than when I left, and the laundry was not done. Now, I know I sound really sexist, like, "Clean my shorts woman!", but really, it was just because she had said she would and then didn't that I was upset. That, and I knew I needed to do laundry before school tomorrow, and now would have to be doing that for a while, which means keeping my pants on and going through the building to the basement a few times. Again, it isn't that this is women's work, in fact, since we've lived here, I'm the one who has done all the laundry. She did some laundry at her parents place over Thanksgiving, but so did I at my parents place the same weekend. I don't know why I'm making a big deal here, just to say that I certainly do my fair share of laundry.

But yeah, so I was pretty ungrateful about supper Monday, and I felt bad about that. I ended up lancing and draining my butt-pimple thinger, which was probably a new record for gross pimple-poppings, at least preformed by me. It required quite a bit of cleanup afterwards anyway, and I still couldn't sit comfortably that night, but by the following morning, my ass was back in business! So, Tuesday should have been better, right? But no, now I had to deal with a leaky ass-pimple, and the toilet paper at school is like wiping your ass with a receipt. And I got home later, because school goes just a little bit too late for me to make the earlier bus. I went to the liquor store to buy some tiny airplane-sized bottles to "freshen up" up my energy drink. I stopped at a newsstand to buy a magazine for Michelle that she had been unable to find at a few stores she had checked close to home. Me either for that matter. But anyway, I got home, feeling fine, a little buzzed and bearing gifts, thinking I would be much more pleasant today. But then we started talking, I asked Michelle about her day, she told me she got up at 1pm, and then I said something like "Four hours ago!" and she got pretty angry, and told me something like "Could you let me talk for one freakin' second!", which put me in a bad mood pretty quick. Then when I started to rant and complain about my day, she told me I could quit school if I wanted to.

I was quite disheartened by this; when Michelle rants about her bad day at work, I don't tell her to quite her job. I listen, agree with what's reasonable, and...

***

Work got busy. I just came back from a break. I dropped the kids off at the pool; much more satisfying today then yesterday's "wet hand dilemma". I feel pretty foolish about getting all crazy. Now I'm more worried about my homework and that fucking essay I need to write for TSD for this Friday. I need to get in contact with people in the industry I am studying to enter and ask them about the job, and what kind of person succeeds in it, and how the job market is and that sort of thing. I mean, these are things I kind of already know, but I guess I need to speak with people already working in the industry, like five of them, as sources for this essay. But I also don't need to actually cite my sources I think, it's more of an informal essay. So, I may be able to get away with not actually conducting any research, so long as it all sounds good. I don't feel good about doing it that way though, I have a feeling it would come back to bite me in the ass.

I suppose, I could just use the appointment to sort of set things up further, get her to help me with my essay, make sure it sounds good and such. She wasn't too helpful last time I was there though, she made me feel pretty nervous about the whole thing.

***

More time has passed. My thought train has been through a few different stations, and is currently en route somewhere else. I'm trying to tie up some loose ends to finish this post neatly, but really, it wouldn't be accurate if I did clean things up all tidy. Things are still complex, with lots of positives and negatives all around, and some things whose value is unclear, that may be positive or negative, depending on one's perspective. It's exciting though; trying to determine how everything fits together, and how you fit in with everything. Working to better your position, and helping those you care about better themselves.

Also, I must mention, Christmas is coming, and it's pretty fun this year. I have some extra cash, and I think I'm doing pretty well with gift choices so far, in that the recipients should be pleased. I hope I don't go too crazy with the money, as I still have some stuff I could use, and I don't care much for asking for things. But I have a hard time making large purchases for myself. I 'lent' Michelle the money for a new camera, it's not a big deal or anything, but I kinda realized; the last time I spent that much money on myself, I bought this laptop, which was like, four years ago. I guess if I count all my expenses, some concerts and trips to Bathurst and Moncton when I lived in Bathurst were probably pretty close in price.

She'll get a lot of use out of it though, like me with the laptop, and she'll take care of it too. She's had her last camera, which is basically the analog version of the digital she picked up, for years now, and has never needed to take it in for repairs or anything. It just seems a little retarded to me, that I'm kinda sad because we don't get enough naked-time together, and I buy her gifts with my loan money. It seems like I should buy me gifts to cheer myself up. I guess I did buy a couple games and a controller for the gamecube, that was like 50$. It's not like I never get anything for myself, I just feel guilty about spending money that I guess I think of as ours on me. I don't know if I could ask her to lend me money to buy myself something, not that she would refuse, but I don't know if I could assert myself like that. I have that whole inferiority complex thing going on I guess.

I guess that's why I brought up my school stuff and what I was doing, because I don't think I'm perfect by any means. In fact, I'm not surprised Michelle hasn't been to eager to hop into be with me; I've been pretty grumpy. Who wants to sleep with that? Exactly. So, yeah, I'm kinda causing my own problems as of late. Maybe more than as of late, and maybe everyone does that, not just me. But then again, luck factors in. Or seems to anyway...

So, again, I try and end this post. I say see you in the future, and may random find you well.
Then I type in the hand thing,
\m/
..and I'm done.
Have a good one.

I don't want to talk about it.

But I can't think about anything else right now.

I feel like crying, maybe I'll just go back to bed.

Stupid hemophiliac ego.

Nah, it's more like, damn runaway mind.

Had to use icing sugar for my coffee, no more of the regular kind. No cream, no milk, no whitener. That's ok though, I can drink coffee without whitening agents. The sugar's a little weird though. It seems like the icing sugar is less sweet by volume than standard granulated sugar. As well as I can discern anyway.

***

Time has passed.
I'm feeling a little better, not so shaky. A little edgy from coffee maybe, but better. I read some online, it's somewhat hard to find good advice online with regard to relationships. A lot of sites seem to cater to wannabe pickup artists rather than serious individuals in loving relationships. Perhaps that is my search criteria though.

I did find some useful information, but I suppose perspective is what I really gained. I worry too much about little things, like I'm programmed to worry, and if there is nothing real for me to worry about, I see connections that aren't there and find reasons to worry. I'm so neurotic.

I'm going to make some pork chops and mashed potatoes to bring to Michelle at work. I feel somewhat foolish for freaking out so much earlier. She sort of lied to me though. That bothered me, but I can see now why she did, and I feel bad for making a big deal out of it.

Part of me still wonders about things, but I don't want to pursue my curiosity too far. If something is wrong or not going to work, time will tell. Might as well enjoy the harmony while it lasts. Hopefully, it will continue to last. I don't want to sound negative about our relationship, it's good, great even. There's no indication that we're in trouble or anything. I just worry that she'll find someone better someday or something, or I'll slip into alcoholism again or drug abuse, and she won't want me anymore.

Done the potatoes, starting on the chops now. I hope she enjoys them. I hope I bread them well. We drove home yesterday with an old friend. Mutual friend even. I guess Michelle knew the fellow from high school days. She was there when he smoked pot for the first time. She certainly did not express any interest in that fellow. In fact, she expressed some distaste with regard to his attitude. I concurred.

She spent almost the whole trip listening to her ipod, not involved in the conversation. Sometimes, her silence makes me nervous, like she's thinking about things she would rather not speak of. Not speak with me anyway. I do tend to freak out often, so I can't say I blame her for not wanting to share everything with me. But I do wish she would try. I mean, I freak out, but it usually doesn't last long, and it isn't too crazy. Rather than bottling things up until they fester and eat you from the inside, finally bursting out in a terrible storm of emotion. I don't look forward to meeting up with "Hurricane Michelle".

***

Pork chops are sizzling away now, frying in the pan. Should flip them soon, and assemble a lunch for m'lady, and off to visit her. Hmmm, slightly burnt, these pork chops be. But the breading stuck to them at least, that's kind of the hard part to making these particular pork chops. Watching X-files, cooking, writing, smoking. Multi-tasking to say the least. Spoke to Michelle not long ago, she called to see if I was cooking yet.

Now the food is done, packaged up and ready to go. I am going to relax and smoke a cigarette, then call Michelle, and head out to visit her at her place of employment. Sorry if this is boring to read, not a whole lot going on. Perhaps later, while I work, I will discuss my trip to Bathurst for Thanksgiving or my school preparation issues. Maybe I should make a call about that now...

May random find you well,
\m/

Post Burial

Am I drinking too much coffee?
Or smoking too much weed?
Am I not getting enough sleep?
Am I not eating well enough?

I've been acting pretty insecure lately, always wanting to be touched and needing reinforcement and such. I've been worrying about school too, the fact that it starts in less than a month, and I'm not ready to go yet.

I don't mean to say I'm not ready to get up early and cross town to go learn for eight hours and then cross town to get home, where I may or may not have to work for 7 hours or so. But rather, the funding finalities, and the acquiring of school supplies, and mapping out the bus route to school are what bother me now. With regard to school anyway.

I guess bother might be too strong a word. Or too negative. Beckon might be what I mean. What beckons me lately, not regarding school of course, is her. I want to turn myself into a blanket so I can wrap around her, touching her everywhere at once. I want her to want the same, to want to constantly be touching me everywhere. But, alas, this is not the case.

I feel like I must be bipolar and switching emotional directions, because I seem so easily frightened or discouraged, like any little setback will have me ready to give up and go hide. Is it because I drank a little alcohol a few days in a row? Is it the marijuana?

For the first time in a while, we have gone an entire week without running out of marijuana. We had to buy a fair amount to accomplish this, but as I had worked something like 17 days in a row, I felt I had earned the right to spend a little extra on us. No argument against was made, and bam, we had made a decision.

Oh, I forgot to mention, I've been sort of retarded lately. Sorry, I don't mean to offend, it's just, I've been acting like I have some sort of diminished mental faculties. Like, my jokes are lame, my thoughts have been almost animal in their baseness, and my actions are clumsy and irregular.

We did our thing today, and my rhythm was all off initially. We had fun, she had multiple funs. She half-offered, like in a you "You don't want me to..." sort of way. I right wanted her to. I feel so pervy for wanting her so much. It's like, that was fun, now, let's do it again, but dirtier. I just can't seem to get enough.

But really though, that's not a totally bad thing. It would be sort of disappointing if I was like "Oh no thank you madam, I've had my fill for today". I'm going to have to do some research with regard to sex-drive and emotional cycles, to see if something is wrong with me, like a vitamin deficiency or something equally simple to remedy.

My supervisor was just hassling me because I took too long on my unscheduled break. I took less than eight minutes to use the bathroom and return to my station. Not unreasonable in my opinion. But, I was told I should dock this from my next break. Only at call centres...

Stream of thought

My head hurts.

I've been snotting for days and days.

Will this cold never end?

It probably is the swine flu.



Space. I don't know if I want space. Maybe I'm just being ridiculous.

But contact sure is nice.



It's true that I worry too much.



Damn internet, always showing me the worst case scenarios.



Ahh well, at least Trent Reznor knows what's going on.



Which is to say I'm in a Nine Inch Nails mood.

I feel sort of bad, because I need to provide some space.

The internet says that is a bad thing. I know myself I've been too, I don't know, accommodating?

But what do I do? Refuse a request from my lady love? Maybe if I just have a little more presence. I feel like I give up and give in to anything, never putting myself first. That can't be true though, alcohol has that reversing effect, where only I'm important or something. I don't know, I'm just rambling now.



I feel selfish for thinking but, sometimes I think I give more than I receive in the relationship.

I never figured myself for a good boyfriend, walking her to work and making her food and going to the store for her whenever she asks. But like, I guess I'm around too much, and I'm wearing thin probably. Even I get tired of myself, so I guess it's not entirely surprising.

***

The laptop overheated and shutdown mid-post earlier. No subtlety there. As if to say, "Quit your complaining!", the universe told me it had heard/seen/been enough by shutting my posting-power down. I guess doing a google search for "gf needs space" might not have been the best idea to inspire confidence in myself.

This cigarette tastes like getting new toys felt as a kid. The smell of the fresh plastic packaging and toys venting their dangerous chemical fumes, a memory brought back by inhaling an instantly active drug. A drug designed to stimulate the pleasure centers of the brain, made me remember the smell given off by new toys, coincidence? Is this smell added on purpose, to get kids to associate buying new things with experiencing pleasure? Not a terrible idea if your interests include ensuring the continuation of a commercial society.

Reading on websites like TFLN and FML, where ladies talk about their various triumphs and losses in the world of blow jobs, makes me wonder if my girlfriend has some kind of mental block with regard to fellatio. She seems so apprehensive, that I wonder if she isn't flat-out scared of blow jobs, or even penises altogether. Could she be a lesbian, and I'm just girly enough for her to enjoy sex with me? That's a somewhat frightening prospect. She has preformed them before, a few times. I believe with fellows she wasn't even going out with, which is kind of a slap in the face. It's like, "Oh, this guy who I just fooled around with for a few weeks, I put his cock in my mouth, but you, whose name I want to take, who's child I would not abort, I won't do that for you.". It just feels like she's holding back from me. I mean, she has never suggested anything that I didn't immediately try out. She hasn't suggested much though.

I feel bad again, for not being entirely satisfied with my current sexual situation. Like I'm being ungrateful, as this time last year, it was nothing but hand, and mine at that. I should be glad she lets me touch her at all. I do enjoy that very much. But it's like, if I ask her to rub my neck or scratch my back, she does it for 10 seconds then spaces out and continues what she was doing. We were having sex for the second time the other night, and I ran out of steam, and asked her to finish me off, and she told me "No, that would take too long", as though I hadn't used all my energy on her for longer than it would take for me to finish. That's confusing. To make it clear; I was tired because I pleasured her all through my refractory period(the time it takes to 'reload', as it were).

That ties into a previous thought of mine; perhaps I am too generous in bed with her. What I mean is, she ends up very satisfied and tired well before I do, so I often end up unsatisfied, as it's sad to satisfy myself at the point, and frankly, not that satisfying. So what am I to do then, withhold myself from her? Refuse to do things until she does the equivalent? That could leave me feeling even worse, sort of like now, where I feel like I can't touch her, and she can touch me, but usually does so only fleetingly.

I just spoke with her on my break. It made me a little sad to talk with her. We're going to Bathurst for Thanksgiving this weekend. We may have a good time, but I'm not getting my hopes up. Often, we end up stranded with nothing to smoke and nothing to do and no way to get anywhere. Also, she said see you tomorrow, like she assumes I'm not going to visit her later. Why wouldn't I, unless she doesn't want me to? Now I'm being paranoid(hopefully anyway). I did say something like "See you tomorrow" when she left for work. But I meant like, after midnight, because I work until at least 1am, not because I wouldn't see her until tomorrow morning when she gets off work. Actually, she said "See you in the morning", not "See you tomorrow", I think the distinction is important now.

I'm rambling again, but what else is new. I'm quite erratic lately, up one minute, down the next. I feel a little scattered, a little frustrated, a little exposed. Over tired maybe, makes sense I guess. I feel a bit like I'm at my wit's end. I feel guilty about writing this stuff, especially the intimate details of our sex life, but I don't really have another outlet. I could have written this on paper I suppose, but then the might find it, read it, and be offended or feel bad or something. She knows I have a blog, and I have sent her links before I think, but she doesn't check it. She gives me my space...

I've been updating this post now for almost four hours. I started it hours before that, until the computer overheated and 'passed out' on me. I've come full circle, the catharsis achieved. It is this space that allows me to vent and externalize and self-analyze. Is this the 'space' she wants? It seems so simple now, why did I freak out earlier? All she wanted was some time alone to organize her thoughts and such. She was probably too mentally congested to articulate that. Or I'm too inattentive to have understood before now. Either way, I feel a little better now. Damn google had led me to believe Michelle was essentially done with me and that she needed space to make an escape or something, not that I'm trying to 'trap' her or anything.

Well, this seems like a good place to stop posting, and go back to my regular internet browsing.
May random find you well.
-agent_of_truth
10:30PM

Insecure rant

So I'm feeling a little down as of late. M'lady and I have been on vacation for over a week now, and basically, besides my family, we've been visiting only with her friends. The stag/doe party for our friends' wedding had some mutual friends and friends of mine, which was ok I guess. My main friend there lives in the same town as me and was supposed to call me to go do something twice in the last few months but never did. So yeah, I got to talk about that with him. Another friend, one I didn't know too well, wanted to smoke weed with us. I was surprised, and indicated as much, and he said the last time he saw me I smoked with him and tried to get him to try cocaine. I was like shit, that's true, I remember that now. Don't I look like a junkie.

But in the last week of our 'vacation', we've had less sex, or at most about the same, as we would at home with both of us working. Am I alone in thinking a vacation should feature more sex?

And we're over spending. I figured we would when she said she didn't want to leave all the rent at home, just half. Now we've got to borrow money from my parents, because hers won't lend us money, to cover our rent, as well as Michelle's makeup for the wedding and hair dye for her et cetera. Basically, this week has been all about her, and I'm too tired to even masturbate. I can't wait to go home tomorrow and sleep in my own bed.

But even then, I worry that I just want more sex than her. Is it my fault? Do I get her off too thoroughly, and then she's good for days, meanwhile, I'm ready for round two later that day? Do I just stop 'giving' when I'm not 'receiving'? That seems kind of mean and petty. Who knows, maybe if she was as horny as me, I couldn't keep up, and she'd need many men to satisfy her. That would suck. I guess I'm better off this way.

Still, it's like, when I'm getting cranky and sad and fed up and pissy that she seems interested. Like, what the hell, how is that appealing? Wouldn't you like me more when I'm happy and confident and full of energy? If you wait until I'm sleeping all day and I don't want to eat and I don't care, then how much can be expected of me? I don't even know what I'm talking about, I'm still too new to this whole 'having regular sex' thing.

I've been having weird dreams lately too. I dreamt that I was driving my parents truck and sort of nodding off at the wheel, and I drifted off the road just in time to hit the start of the railing for a bridge. I woke up or switched dreams quickly, so I don't know what happened. But, I sort of felt like a dick, because it seemed that the passenger, who I assumed was Michelle, may have taken a pretty hard hit.

I had another dream where I was urinating at some party, when a group of girls all rushed in to check out my penis. They seemed somewhat impressed, and I indicated the should touch it if they want to see it full-size. The dream then switched to me apologizing, and Michelle seeming ok with it, after all, they had rushed in on me with my pants down, possibly after her bragging me up even, which was cool.

And last night or this morning, I had a dream where this old friend of mine was hanging out with me and was very talkative but perhaps a little too close for comfort. I suspected he might be gay, but I don't believe he is in real life. Anyway, he seemed all in my face, but still was providing useful information about the girl I was with, who, in this dream, wasn't Michelle. It was actually a friend of mine's girlfriend(fiancee?). It seemed she had mislead me with regard to her whereabouts and activities recently.

These dreams seemed to unsettle me. Perhaps they are a reflection of my 'vacation' week and the thoughts lurking in my head. Perhaps they are random firings of the brain too. I don't know, I'm going to stick it out though, heading home tomorrow after all. Hopefully, I'll have a better idea what's going on soon.

May random find you well.
-M

Edit;
A few hours later now, feeling better. Spoke with Michelle, smoked some yetis, cleaned up a bit, packed some of our things, got my drive situation figured out and spoke with the landlord. The reception is BYOB, and we're pretty strapped for cash, but we might be able to pull something off. Maybe there'll be a bunch of jell-o shooters again, we could hit those pretty hard. More positive now anyway, just wanted to vent earlier I guess. Looking forward to seeing the lady in a dress, as that doesn't happen often. I've been instructed to get pictures. Maybe we'll find a way to get a case of beer too, so we don't have to mooch too much.

Have a good one,
\m/

Ouch

I just got off the phone with the girlfriend.
She's at work, working nights.
We were talking a little bit sexually, being a little dirty and what not, and she asks me;

"Did I ever tell you Stephane(her ex) used to say his super hero name was Testiclees, and his power was that he could turn his right testicle into anything he wanted?"

I was like, damn, there goes my sexual arousal indicator. Why does she have to bring up old fuck-face when we're talking about us and our sexual activities? I was not too pleased, but I kept it to myself mostly. I did suggest at the end of the call that she read more about dirty-sexual things(as she had been in a Cosmo magazine) than about asshole-y ex boyfriends.

It makes me feel bad to hear her talk about her ex fondly. Like fuck, what, do you miss him? Do you remember how miserable he made you? How you tried to cheat on him with me, only I was too dumb to realize it?

And then there's that; she was willing to cheat on him with me. How do I know she won't be willing to cheat on me with someone she's working with now? What about when I go to school in the fall, or when I start working more. What if she gets lonely?

Would I forgive her if she did cheat on me? Would that be a mistake? Would it be like telling her it's ok, you don't need to be exclusive with me, so long as I get my turn too. That's not how I feel.

She's given me no reason to be suspicious really. I don't think I am suspicious either. It's just frustrating sometimes to hear talk about her previous relationships or her male friends. It's like, I come off as an asshole if I tell her that one of her friends is into her. She said her previous boyfriend had a problem with her hanging out with so many guys(like me), and that strained their relationship. But wasn't he right? I was one of the guys he didn't like her hanging out with.

And Michelle keeps insisting her friends are just that; friends. Nothing more. But like, doesn't she know what happens when people get drunk? You make bad decisions, forget important things(like your boyfriend perhaps?), and make mistakes. Is it wrong of me to not want her to get drunk with her guy friends?

For instance; there was this guy that would drive her around all the time. He even drove me with her when I came to visit before we started going out. The first time I came to visit, I got drunk, and asked the guy flat-out if he liked her. He told me that yes, he does like her. I asked if he had a problem with me, and he said no, as long as Michelle is happy.

Now, I pointed this out to her shortly thereafter. I did so in a way that would perhaps spare the fellow's feelings, by saying I suspect he has an interest in her. She brushed this off, saying no no, we're just friends, and that I was foolish to think otherwise.

A few months down the road, it had become glaringly obvious to everyone that this fellow had an interest in m'lady, to the point where he left town as he can no longer stand to see her with me. When all this came to light, she basically said that yes, she knew he liked her, but that she was sort of in denial. Like, she thought he would give up and become interested in another, or he would hit on her, and she would reject him, and that would be that.

But the key thing is, she knew he liked her, she continued to hang out with him, and what's more, she denied it when I asked her. What am I to think? Is this supposed to inspire confidence?

And we're heading to our home town this week, and she wants to hang out with him, and possibly get drunk. I am wary of this, as I was when she suggested we drink together long ago to avoid her parents. I don't want to get involved in a three-some, and then not be able to look Michelle in the eye anymore.

I don't know why I'm so jealous. I wish I wasn't. It just seems sometimes like she's not giving me the whole story, or she's not satisfied with me. Maybe I'm being unreasonable, I don't know. I just know how guys think, and I think she underestimates their/our horniness.

So, should I bring this up with her? Or just keep my mouth shut? I don't really know.

I feel like this is Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, and I just want to enjoy things while they last. May random find you well.
\m/

Put half the deposit down for schoolin'.

Smoked some grass and felt quite a bit better, more relaxed, less stressed.

My shift wasn't cancelled for tonight, that's nice. I'm working right now as a matter-of-fact. What's more, not one, but three of my old friends contacted me in the last two days. Two of them were hoping to visit me tonight, I don't know if and when we'll get to hang out, because I'm working all weekend, but it was still good to hear from them.

I've still got a bit of a rash from some cheap store brand bandages I bought when my ear was all infected and gross. I picked up some name brand bandages today though, so I should be good. I'd like to pick up my Wii and electric guitar soon, but we have some expenses coming up still. Hopefully, I'll be able to work a few shifts a week and maybe get a half-decent paycheck so m'lady doesn't have to work so much. She's been working like five and six days a week, as opposed to her regular four days on four days off. She works twelve hour shifts too. Days and nights. Fun fun.

So, hopefully I'll be able to carry my own weight again. I keep trying to look for a second job, but the lady discourages it. She says that she doesn't want to see me any less. But I mean, with her working as often as she does, we don't get to see each other that much as is. That's why I'm hoping my current job stops cancelling my shifts, and then she won't have to work so much to cover the bills, and who knows, we may be able to afford to go out now and then. I'd like to get her everything she wants, but right now, we just can't afford it. We're having a hard enough time keeping fed right now.

I must seem fairly boring lately, not a whole lot going on. Reading some Philip K Dick at the moment, ordered some more. Had a Katimavik billeter stay with us for a while, not too much to report there. He told his group that he smoked pot with us, which he didn't but could have if he wanted to. We thought that was odd. He was an odd fellow overall. He would open a new package of something (spaghetti and coffee specifically) rather than finish off the one that is open. In fairness, the coffee was dark roast, and he wanted regular, but still, now I have to use them quickly or they won't be fresh. Also, he took a book without asking. It was funny, Michelle was just going to ask him if he wanted to borrow it, but he was already gone, and had taken the book with him.

He was pretty quiet, and kind of funny. He didn't add too much, but didn't make it hard to be home either. It was kind of nice to be able to pass on some movie, music and video game knowledge as well. He hadn't even seen Fight Club, can you believe it?

My brother had a birthday recently, talked with him about video games and a possible new ghostbusters movie and that sort of thing. He apparently has no interest in getting a job. My girlfriend right calls him a loser, and it sort of makes me feel bad, but I mean, she's kind of right too. I would just probably say he doesn't have his priorities well arranged or something. Loser just seems like such a harsh word.

I mean, he's a loser as opposed to what, a 'cool guy'? What makes someone cool? Wanting a job? I doubt that. But being self-sufficient is pretty cool, so I hear anyway! I guess not even wanting to take care of yourself is kind of lame I suppose. It's a good way to end up still living with your parents at thirty, that's for sure.

I don't know, I guess I'll just get back to work for now, try and stay awake to spend some time with Michelle before sleep. Hopefully I'm able to meet up with one or both of my friends in town this weekend. May random find you well. \m/

Ranting about my past

Tomorrow, or technically later today, I go pay the college to hold my seat for the pharmacy tech course I've signed up for this fall. Tonight, I revisit the past, try and make sense of it, see if time and distance have given me better perspective. Nope.

My friends are in a band. They aren't doing well enough to quit their day jobs yet, but still, there is potential there. The main problem, in my opinion, is the singer. Now, the singer and I used to hang out all the time, we were the drug equivalent of drinking buddies, buzzing buddies I guess. But shit got weird. He'd make comments like "You know, if two guys fuck a girl, one in the vaj and one in the ass, they can feel each others dicks inside her. Oh, my girlfriend is coming up this weekend, we should all three of us get drunk together". Ok, maybe that's not a direct quote, there might have been a few lines of conversation in between, but still. He lived like a 5 minute walk away, and would stay all fucking night. I would say "I'm heading to bed now" and he would say "Ok", and just stay there on the couch watching TV or watching my little brother play video games. It's like, get the hint buddy, TIME TO GO HOME!

There were other incidents, but I figured, hey, I was really high, maybe I missed something, or misunderstood. So I let things slide. But, he kept making me nervous and uncomfortable, to the point where I could not stand hanging out with him. I was worried I would pass out and wake up with a sore ass, or a dude in my bed.

And some of the music he listened to was pretty depressing. Freaked me out somewhat. And he wrote pretty unusual stuff, even before he was asked to join the band. But, whenever I mentioned it to someone that knew him, they would say; "That's just crazy (he)'s alright, he's a good guy", so I figured, maybe it's me. Maybe I'm gaying up this whole situation. I was pretty sexually deprived at the time. I figured, maybe that's how gay people get gay, they get all desperate, and just hit on their friends, and then get used to that. I mean, people get used to constant pain and artificial eyes and walking with only one leg after a lifetime of bipedal existence, maybe one could get used to ass-expansion, even learn to enjoy it.

But, of course, this is not the case. Well, I guess it might be in prison...

Anyway, I stopped doing PCP, regained some mental clarity, and told him to take a hike. It was hard, like breaking up(I assume, not much relationship experience, adding to the gay-anoia), but it was a relief too. At first, I was a little concerned that he might try to kill me, being that I lived so close, and he had almost nothing on the horizon. But, he eventually moved out of his parents' house, and to a different city, much to my relief. No more listening for intruders and such, I could once again sleep easy.

But still, our mutual friends have not noticed any unusual behaviour in this fellow. Am I too pretty, like a lady? He wouldn't be the first guy that was attracted to me, maybe I'm too girly, and I make otherwise straight guys into butt-pirates. I don't know though, I mean, I know I like women, no trouble there, but what's the deal? Are my friends all into circle-jerking and much closer with each other because of it? Am I missing out because I don't partake? Or is it really just that the fellow is good at hiding, or was I the only guy that interested him? Or was it all a big misunderstanding on my part? That's the hardest to believe.

I convinced myself once I must be mistaken and that it was just the acid messing with my head, but then, a while later, I found myself in a familiarly uncomfortable situation. I remember thinking something like; "Oh yeah, I remember now. Don't forget this time. Don't trust (him).".

So, where am I now? Better off, that's for sure. But was I right to just cut him out of my life? I miss hanging out with our mutual friends, his bandmates. I have hung out with them without him, and that's alright. One of their roommates though is like the singer's best friend, and similarly freaky. He's the other dude that was attracted to me. So, hanging out there is hard too. I guess I just miss my friends, and I'm not sure what happened.

I'm reminded of a quote "Friends are those that know the worst things about us, and refuse to believe them". Am I a bad friend then? Because I don't refuse to believe the worst things, I rather bare them in mind, and warn others to watch out for these bad traits? Like, if your friend is a klepto, do you ignore it, or lock up your valuables when they're on their way over? If your friend is a predator, do you ignore it, get pass-out drunk, and wake up with your pants on inside out? I don't rightly know, but I know what I did. I tried to convince myself it wasn't the case, but it got to me. I confronted him one time, asked him if he was molested or what, what is the deal. Unfortunately, I blacked out the rest of the conversation. I was still using pcp at the time, possibly some other drugs, as we were at a music festival. What a long drive home that was.

Maybe I'm just a prude.

Anyway, I brought all this up, because I thought I wanted to discuss the band, and how I wish they had asked me to be the singer. Not even that I'm an excellent singer, but this other guy is so full of himself, and he writes mostly gibberish rhymes, and he's sort of a dick. I think I could do a better job. Maybe not, but I would have given it a go. I miss jamming. Fuck, this guy I can't stand anymore and myself, we used to harmonize pretty well too. I think I have a pretty good ear though, not perfect pitch or anything, but I can hear when I'm hitting the right notes. So I imagine I can do that with others as well. I just don't play music that much anymore, and when I do, I'm alone.

I feel now like I'm full of shit, and quite tired. I hope that random finds us all well. See you in the future. Good luck. \m/

Stream of thought

So, it looks like I'll be moving soon. Saturday to be precise. I've got an appointment made to have an internet connection installed that night. I have work the next morning, that'll be my first shift at my new place of residence.

I'm pretty excited, and pretty nervous. It's been a while since I've lived with anyone that wasn't a member of my immediate family. And I've never lived with a significant other, or even really had one. I imagine I'll learn not only about her, but about myself as well. And I do enjoy learning after all.

Of course I realize, this could be bad. I could learn that I am incredibly hard to live with, or a neat freak, or too much of a dork for her. I could find her to be unbearably messy, or too demanding, or even too boring. These all seem quite unlikely really, and I'm not worried about them. I'm more worried about not being able to put in more hours at work, or it being loud around the apartment while I'm trying to work. Also, if we get mad at each other, I don't really know where I'm going to go to cool off. I'll figure it out though. We're usually pretty good at resolving stuff quickly, so hopefully it won't come up for a while.

I am concerned that my interest in drugs might be troublesome. For instance; I would like to make some poppy-seed tea, for the morphine and codeine contained within, but I don't want my girlfriend to be ashamed of or disappointed in me, and I also don't want her to right like it and get hooked or something, then it would be my fault, and I would be guilt-ridden. Perhaps I'd do well to stick with cannabis. Green Dragon is quite the fun concoction.

She does generally eat healthier than me, and I'm hoping some of that will rub off on me. I could certainly stand to benefit from that. Neither of us is very active right now, she likes the summer, I don't know why I've been sticking close to home recently. I guess I've got a lot on my mind, but really, all the more reason to stretch your legs. I might go take a walk tonight, visit the local watering hole one last time before I 'ship out'.

There's another thing; alcohol. How much is too much? I feel guilty even having my first drink now. It's almost midnight, there's no reason I should feel guilty, is there? I paid for this alcohol, I worked tonight, put in my full shift, even stayed late to make up for my break running long.

I feel like a broken record a bit, am I getting redundant? Well, at least I've got some major novelty coming into my life in the near future, should shake things up a bit, make me more interesting. Keep things fresh. Ok, now I'm a slogan generator.

May random find you well.

Reflecting

Holy fuck I miss that girl.
She told me recently that we've already had more sex than with her last boyfriend of over two years, and we've been together since like Christmas. I feel kind of bad for the guy. Still though, I went to visit last weekend, and umm, it was a pretty big weekend.

She asked me to move in with her. It seems kind of sudden, but I want to do it none the less. I am probably going to delay it a bit, but at the same time, I'm going to bring things there and leave them to facilitate the moving process. This is all new territory for me, so, I'm pretty nervous. At the same time though, I'm really excited. This could be tremendously good.

I still would like a better job, but the company I work for from home now, is based in the same city as my girlfriend, so I could move in-house, which would make it easier to work long shifts and possibly even advance within the company if I found it to be an environment I really like.
Seems unlikely though that I would make a career out of radio and television ratings.

Just today or yesterday, someone asked me if I worked in radio. They said I had a good voice for it. I laughed, said thank you, and remarked how the pay is probably better. Really, even if I had to do shitty commercials for products I hate, it probably wouldn't be any harder than my current job. And again; with better pay. But, I have no communications degree. Still, I'll keep an eye out. Can't hurt to apply.

I think my problem with guitar is that I try too hard. I am too afraid of sounding like someone else, or not being technically impressive enough. I worry that if my music is too easy too play, it will be poorly received. But then I have a hard time playing it when I'm nervous, if it's at the edge of my abilities. Perhaps I should play more mellow music, try and relax, just let it flow.

I'm about ready to eat some magic mushrooms I think. It's been a while, and I think I will be better received, now that I'm working at getting myself together. I know, that sounds a little crazy, but I mean, come on, it's tripping, what do you expect?

I've never tripped with a girl that was like, into me and not attached, so, if I were to trip with my girlfriend, I don't really know for sure what would happen, but I think it could be really amazing. Like, I feel sort of damaged from previous trips that went a little crazy. I would like to be able to repair this damage, if possible without consulting the other parties involved in the bad trips. Is this cowardly, or selfish, or is this smart and safe? I do not rightly know. But, I do know I'd like to be able to feel comfortable in social situations again.

I worry though, that the problem isn't the bad trips I had, but the mindless chatter. The idle talk about TV shows and sports, where nothing is gained really but trivial knowledge of no practical value. Thus, when I spend time with other people, if they aren't super interesting and entertaining, I get bored and disappointed in them. Then, of course, I feel bad for being so judgmental, and I get depressed for being 'high and mighty' or pompous.

There's a quote about that. Hold on reader, I'll dig that up for you;

George Jean Nathan; "I drink to make other people interesting."

I know how you feel sometimes fella. Sometimes though, I wish I didn't.

I best wrap it up for now. May random find you well. K O R I T F W.
\m/

What's up?

I'm working right now. Pretty tired too.

Went out last night with the girlfriend. Actually, she went out with her friends while I was working. The plan was that I would go pick her up after work, but by the time I was done my shift, we had both independently reached the decision that I should stay for a few drinks and we should cab it home.

So, I went to see her at the bar. She was right happy to see me, she gave me a kiss right away. Normally she's not much on public displays of affection. The dude she was talking too looked a little sad and left. I must admit, I did a little victory dance in my head. She was reasonably drunk when I got there, but still coherent and such, just silly and loud.

She told me she had been bragging me up to her friends throughout the night, that was quite pleasing to hear. Her friend that I had met in the last week gave a positive review. Well, sort of. She said basically, "Well, he sat there, talked, and laughed, as long as they laugh, it's all good". And I did laugh, cuz she's pretty funny. The whole crew of them yesterday were pretty funny. All loud, yelling out "Chin-chin! Penis!", in their francophone accents. Apparently, chin-chin, the traditional glasses clinking toasting sound, is a slang term for a/the penis in a foreign land. I can't remember which, I'm leaning towards China though.

At one point, m'lady said something like "I'm right drunk, but that's good news for you!". I was somewhat surprised. She then told me that she tends to get good reviews when drunk. I said, that's cool, but I still wasn't counting on anything.

My friend was working the door at the bar. I was able to introduce my girlfriend as just that, as opposed to last time, when she was simply my friend, who happened to be a girl. She made fun of me for being corny, but that's alright, I am pretty corny.

I still get insecure though. When she talked today about playing strip paper scissors rock with a friend long ago, that made me nervous. They ARE still friends. And she talks about her friends often. Her old boyfriends too. Usually she is complaining about her Exs, but sometimes, she just talks about their living situation and it makes me feel sort of bad. It's hard to explain, it's like, I wish it had been me, or, I feel outmatched by her experience. Like, "Hey! That's not fair! I didn't get to do that!".

Ok, I might be over-thinking this, but it's even like, what if we stayed together for a long time, and I got all hung-up on having really only had one sexual partner. I don't want to cause any problems over something as ridiculous as that. I just worry about me. I've never like, had a girlfriend before, so, I don't really know how I'll act. I hope honourably. So far so good anyway.

I am getting better at not being so insecure. Building my confidence I guess. It's good.

Besides all this girlfriend jazz, what have I been up to?

I mean, there's work, but besides that, we have been spending a lot of time together. I don't know if that's a good thing or not. I'm staying out of trouble pretty well, that's good I guess. But, am I going to end up all boring? Or like clingy and annoying?

Still though, we talk and watch movies and cartoons, we get around town and such. It's not like my brain is totally shut off when I'm with her. Sometimes it does seem hard to think though.

Though my work is better suited for robots, I am quite glad to be human.

I often joke about looking forward to my own or humanities replacement by more efficient machines. But really, animals want to be strong and durable like machines, and machines want to be emotional and unique like animals. Grass is always greener I guess.

I watched a South Park episode about lice, and I must say, it was pretty heavy in some ways. Dealing with a possible extra-planetary origin of life, sustainability, consciousness, and climate shift, albeit for lice, was quite interesting and humourous.

***

"The struggle ends, when the gratitude begins"

That was on someone's answering machine just now. Seems applicable with regard to my earlier rantings. Again, be thankful, she likes you, she chooses to be with you, so, enjoy that.

Venting

What's going on these days?
What's all new and exciting?
What've you been up to?

Well, you see,
I've been changing.

I'm dating this girl now, and things are going quite well.
We've even met each other's parents.

But, I am sort of hung up a bit on some things.
She has lots of friends. Guy friends.
She doesn't seem attracted to them, but at the same time, I can't help but feel threatened.

She talked about her old boyfriend not trusting her, and being mad that she would hang out with this guy that would drive her home from work everyday. She would say, "What, don't you trust me?", to which he must of course reply yes. Thing is though, her ex was right. I was the guy driving her home. We weren't romantically involved at the time, but you better believe the thought was there. On my end at least.

So the thing is this; she has this friend, this guy, that drives her to and from work almost everyday. I even asked the guy if he likes her, and he said yes. I don't know if the lady-friend knows he does though, I felt it would be rude to tell her myself. Also, she might not believe me, which might lead to a fight, her calling me paranoid (and possibly being right), me being upset with her, and her going to spend time with him.

I don't know, she says I should trust her, but I'm scared.

It's like, I have no desire to go and spend time alone with other girls, because I don't even want to tempt fate. But she doesn't seem to feel the same way.

Maybe I'm just paranoid. Again I remind myself; who does she take to bed. Be appreciative. She likes to spend time with you Marc, enjoy that.

But that's another thing; I'm almost afraid to ask her about things sometimes. Like, I don't want to upset her, or learn something I didn't want to know about her, and ruin our relationship. So, do I just keep my mouth shut and enjoy it while it lasts? That seems sort of sad. Just try to smile, don't think too much.

What if that makes me resent her? That's no good...

Lastly, because I've been shy my whole life, I don't have a lot of experience to draw on. In fact, I've already had a number of significant events with her. First repeat sexual partner, first time sober, first time biting on the ass, first real girlfriend even.

She's already done these things, so, am I having more fun?

And what am I to her, average?

Well, I suppose, there is one thing I did that no one else had before. She gets really ticklish after an orgasm, and she said that never happened with anyone else before. Am I doing something well, or something wrong, I don't really know. Lack of experience. Although I will say this, I don't understand why so many guys have a hard time getting their women off. Do a little reading, figure out the biology.

Ahh well, I feel better just having articulated my thoughts like this. Hopefully, we will continue to enjoy each others company for quite some time.

May random find you well.
K O R I T F W

Working on a Sunday. Just dropped off the lady-friend before work. She's up for the weekend, but she'll be gone before I'm done my shift.

I asked her out the other night and she right said no quickly. I was surprised, I figured she would be all for it. But I guess I was drunk, so maybe she figured I was only asking because I was drunk.

Maybe too, she wants to keep her options open. But I did ask if she was pursuing any other guys when she turned me down and she said that she wasn't(to which I replied, so, what's the problem?). Perhaps I'm getting ahead of myself though.

She didn't want me to meet her dad. I wasn't too concerned at first, but after I thought about it, I wondered if she figures I won't be around long enough to bother introducing me or something. Paranoia, it'll destroya.

I certainly didn't get much sleep this weekend, that's probably contributing to my weirdness. It's like I babble, I talk about whatever I see or is going through my mind briefly. Anything but what I really wanted to talk about, which is what is going on between me and this lady-friend.

This is something I didn't expect; I feel all hung-up on her. I want to be around her like all the time. I think about her a lot, possibly too much. I have to really make an effort to not be jealous of her guy-friends. They've known her for a long time, but, I know how guys think too. She was showing off her leg scar, getting people to touch a metal piece in her leg. I was biting my tongue. I really like her skin, and I don't want to share it. I'm not going around rubbing up on every girl whose first name I know.

Just breathe deep Marc, trust that she can take care of herself. After all, she may be friendly with other guys, but who does she like to lie in bed and watch cartoons with? Who does she sleep on? Who does she come to town to visit? That's right Marc, you. So, appreciate that instead of freaking out about little things.

I'm somewhat concerned as well, that the feelings I am currently experiencing, are exaggerated and may return to more normal levels of affection(for me anyway). Perhaps even worse than that, I might find myself disliking her, for reasons real or imagined. I certainly don't want to hurt her by leading her on just to let her go. Maybe that's why she doesn't want to go out with me, she knows eventually, we'll likely part ways. And hearing the way she talks about her exes(who, in my opinion, she mentions all too often), I'm not sure I want to be one.

*sigh*

I still want to be with her, so I think I'll just 'keep up the good work', in that I will stay in contact with her, but try not to pressure her into anything. I'm right going to get hurt her down the road I think. Ahh well, deal with that then.

It's like eternal sunshine of the spotless mind, which she too enjoys. Knowing that we'll probably fall apart eventually, we would still come together, to enjoy what we could before then.

And I might be wrong too. Stranger things have happened.

Back to work for now. May Random find you well.
\m/

Stream of thought

I feel like my brain is half turned off with her. Like I just have this inarticulate pull to her now. I don't even have much to say it seems. Like, I don't want to talk too much and fuck things up.

I've already doubled my sexual experience points. I think if life were a game, I'd have leveled up. Mind you, I had few points, which is why I was able to so quickly double them.

She was nervous for a while. I asked if it was my shoes(size 13). She said what? I said, you know, what they say about guys with big feet, that's not true eh, it's just regular sized. She laughed, and said that wasn't why she was nervous, but it made her feel better anyway.

I find my every word scrutinized with her. And she certainly does not like it when I draw any similarities between her and my dog. Yeah I know, I immediately regretted it both times.

She's not to keen on a certain Colombian export, and whenever I bring it up in passing, she seems a little uncomfortable. I will try to curb this. She was talking with her friend while we were driving around, and she said she really wants to do some shrooms. This freaked me out, because she knows I am prone to bad-tripping. I don't know if she wants me to trip with her or not. I'm afraid that if we tripped and I freaked out, then I'd feel weird around her forever. It's happened with other people I knew longer than I've known her. Still feel uncomfortable around them.

She also talks about her friends and ex boyfriends. Sometimes the stuff she says scares me. Like this friend of hers, she said this one time, well, basically "One more beer, and he woulda raped me". I was like fuck, you need to choose some better friends. She was talking about this other guy that was like her bully, and like, she still hung out with him fairly regularly. I got flashes of her with him spending a lot of time alone.

I saw her grad picture at her parents house. I think one of my old friends may have dated her in high school. I didn't know her then, but I recognized the picture. This freaked me out too, as that friend is kind of a horn dog prone to misconduct. Fuck I feel sick just thinking about it.

I'm like, I know, you're not perfect Marc. But I certainly have a short list of sexual encounters, with none of her friends on it. Let it go. I think just typing it out might help ease my mind.

But she hangs out with a lot of guys. Some of them are shady characters. If anything ever happened to her, I'd feel so bad. I'm scared that she's putting herself at risk now more than I'm worried about her past. I don't want her to be as cynical as I can be, but a little healthy paranoia can save your life.

Oops, ok, maybe I made out with one of her friends a few years ago. But that was as far as it got. Well, I feel better now. Kinda articulated my thoughts a bit. Have a good one folks, I know I will,
-Marc

late night reflections (changing growth)

So, last night, I stayed up until well, this morning, chatting with the girl I have been chatting up as of late. Apparently, she will be in my vicinity in the near future. She wishes to spend time with me. This excites and frightens me. I know, I said no more whining, but I guess I'm not as good at directing my thoughts as I thought.

I'm excited, because I like her, at least somewhat, and she wants to spend time with me, thus proving she likes me at least somewhat as well. I don't want to be broke, and have no cigarettes or marijuana. I may even want to drink, but I'll play that by ear I think. That's the first time I've really thought of this as going to happen. Not even that we're necessarily going to have sex or anything, just being alone together for an extended period of time, I'm worried I'll talk too much and say something regrettable. I'm also worried, as it's been a while, that I'm out of practice, and may 'arrive early'. Hell, even if I don't, it's not as though I've had much practice to work off of.

Well, what's the worst that could happen? I could make an ass of myself, apologize profusely, and never be able to face her again. That might be just cutting to the chase really. I'm not too worried about her spreading shit about me, as she's a fairly good person, and I don't think I'll do anything too shameful.

I guess, I could live with that. It's the, really liking each other, wanting to spend more time together, getting serious stuff that really scares me. Har-har. Stereotypical. And she's not sending me any signals like about wanting to be exclusive or anything, so I don't know why I'm so worried. Typing it out relieves the pressure a bit, but I don't want to be lulled into a false sense of security. I just don't want to open up, and for some reason, I think with her I might.

Will I be around? Or will I disappear at the bottom of a bottle? Will I drive around listening to CBC radio for a week until I figure she's left town, just so I don't have to grow and change? Time marches on, so it's really unavoidable, change. Growth, well, that too, might be unavoidable. Just how you grow that changes. Changing growth. Sounds like a buzz-word.

Time will tell how I behave. I suspect I will spend time with her. How it will go, I do not know. I'll probably borrow some cash so I don't have to hit her up for smokes, that's never fun. We've got this DVD to watch, I'm not sure where's best for that yet. Maybe we'll just go for a drive, smoke some grass, drink some coffee. If that goes well and I'm not shooting lightning out of my spine, then I guess I'll invite her back here for the DVD, maybe suggest a stop at the liquor store, if I feel it might be a good idea. It may be that I'll already have something just in case I can't shake the jitters.

Am I more concerned with the environment than the company, exactly what my dream warned me of? Or am I also like the dream, delaying the intimacy because I know deep down there's nothing there, and when we finally are alone, we'll both lose interest? Fer-fuck's-sakes, I think too much. Does it matter either way? Don't I want to find out what will happen? If I get hurt down the road, well, at least I'll be doing something in the meantime. There's a corny quote about that, I'd rather not repeat it here.

So wish me luck if you're not me and you're reading this. And if you are me, update the people on how it went. At least typing it out might help you get your head straight. Now, back to Mega Man 9...