dream log, observations, reflections, (hardly workin')

I had a dream.
Or a hallucinatory memory.
I was feeling odd.
I spat into the sink, to try to clear my throat.
I noticed some blood in my spit.
I spat again, this time more red.
Soon the bottom of the sink was entirely red with blood.
Then, as oddly as the dream began, it ends.

This reminds me of a dream I had years ago.
Same bathroom, some area of my body giving me trouble, meaning my throat.
Different trouble, but onset by the same thing; trying to clear my throat, to breathe more easily.

***

I saw a very small bug yesterday.
At first, I thought it was a tobacco flake, moved by air turbulence.
Then I noticed that the air wasn't moving, and that none of the other tobacco flakes were either. So I watched it for a short while, marvelling at its size. I could not distinguish any features on it; no legs, no head, no antennae. As one that does not like bugs, I found this somewhat alarming; a bug so small that it is indistinguishable as anything animate when not in motion. It could have been a grain of salt, a food particle, a piece of ash or dandruff. I shook it off and continued on my way. What else could I do?

This is not the first time I have discovered bugs so small that I found them them disturbing. I remember discovering bugs along the edge of the bathtub; they looked more like living hairs. Very tiny, basically a straight line that would wiggle around and propel itself along the surface of the tub's edge. I brought my brother in as a witness for these critters, and he was able to see them, to my relief.

I know, this sounds like a hallucination, that's why it was a relief someone else could see them. I did not have the sensation that these bugs were on me at all, let alone 'crawling under my skin'. As I understand it, some cheese is covered with bug if you look very closely. Are these an intermediate level between microscopic life and insects? Bugs and germs? Colony and individual life form? Interesting.

Bugs do often operate as a collective, somewhat like a bacterial colony or growth of mold. Ants, bees, termites, et cetera. Then you get your beetles, your houseflies, your grass hoppers, your more specialized life forms that tend to operate solo for a large part of their life. Is this a matter of evolution? The loss of hive-mind? The specialization of diet and habits? Are bugs the link between bacteria and, ummmm, wait a second, what about plants? Separate evolutionary line? Square cells and round cells? What about triangular(or three dimensionally pyramidal) cells?

***

I'm feeling anxious, sketched out, whatever you want to call it.
I'm wondering now, is it because of been drinking pretty much nightly for a week or two now? Or the diphenhydramine I've been taking again almost nightly, but for upwards of six months now? I am anticipating some motion sickness as I withdraw. I'm also wondering if my drinking is taking a toll on my sensitive ileum. Crohn's eh, or so they say. I often wonder if that and IBS are like a product of our artificialized diets. I have recently seen something were one or both conditions responded well to a parasite therapy. The subjects were given a large drink with many thousands of worm eggs in them, worms that would not reproduce in the body, just latch on, live for a few months, and eventually pass harmlessly through the bowels. The line of thinking behind this treatment, is that in a natural setting, our food would inevitably be contaminated with parasites. So, by taking the parasites out of our diet, we have left our immune system with very little to do digestively. So, our immune system, out of boredom or over-evolution, ends up attacking our healthy digestive tract. So, by reintroducing the parasites, you give the immune system a target. Impressive results thus far, though the thought of ingesting parasite eggs is a little disgusting.

Damn, the B12 crunch is coming. Cranked anxiety. Possibly due to coffee. Too quiet now, each sound too significant. My throat is dry, is it from dehydration or too much smoking? Both probably. My thoughts turn now to pcp, the time spent doing it, and the friends lost since. RIP namesake. That's no answer. Why do I even go there? To remind myself of what I've learned? To scare myself? To reaffirm my growth? Who knows.

Back to free will. Did I direct my thoughts there, or were they presented to me that way? I guess it doesn't matter; for all intents and purposes, we seem to have free will. So no luck blaming fate for my mistakes. Have I depleted my myelin sheath? Oh god, multiple sclerosis as a result of excessive drug use. Let's hope not.

Now I think of friend's before who lived alone and were always ready to party. Lots of fun to visit, but would I want to live there? I'm just not sure. I miss the easy days of university residence. When all I had to worry about was class and fun. Who had the best price on ritalin, you had the best weed. Was there any acid around. Questions that are fun to answer.

MTV Downtown was an awesome cartoon. I watched two episodes yesterday, I think I'll watch the rest this weekend. I've seen them all before of course, but the older I get, the more meaning I find in them. Sometimes even just a change in meaning. The geeks, they remind me of old RPG friends. AD&D, Rifts and Shadowrun were the favourites. With rifts, we spent more time reading source books than we ever did playing. It's like mind exercise I guess. Shadowrun, the tech was so awesome, separate specializations for Riggers and Deckers, so cool. Not to mention essence cost, cyberware vs. bioware, karma, and the awakening, the background concept for shadowrun.

This is two days this week now that I've spent most of my work shift writing in the background between calls. Should I buy some 50% vodka and soak some stems in it to make some green dragon? Should I just buy more weed? More booze? I'll just hold on to my cash for now, I'll try and wait until I see a good spending opportunity.

Quitting time approaches. I will gather my thoughts, and gather my things. No way to end this post smoothly. So...