morning lite

I should be hung over.
I drank enough last night.
Maybe it's because I drank to give my lungs a break.
So my body, being thankful for my not smoking tons of yetis, alleviated my stomach problems, or at least temporarily blocked the signals, to reward my virtuous drunkenness.

Wishful thinking perhaps, but reflective of reality none-the-less.

And with sobriety, comes guilt at your absence. Whether this is caused by genuine karmic intuitions of misfortune, or a vitamin B12 deficiency, I do not know for certain. I know it comes to the same thing; time spent down on yourself.

Now I turn to facebook, and the mysterious friend requests from strangers. We have many friends in common, and they've added me as well, yet, I cannot remember them. They have similar names to people I know, and some of them appear to be attractive women, who believe they know me, and yet I cannot remember them? This is strange.

I remember something about the CIA data-miners providing funding for aspects of facebook, and I wonder now, are these strange individuals dummy files setup to gather information? Are they posing as forgotten old friends? What do they hope to learn?

I dreamed a few dreams last night, strange considering. I seldom wake up from drunk-sleep and remember dreams. I remember an old friends, no longer a friend. We were speaking in a polite manner. I remember a crowd. Weaving through it. Was it an outdoor concert perhaps?

From another night, I remember a family from my hometown, all gathered together in some sort of celebration. I remember having a difficult time determining which of the sisters had been in my class, opting to look for recognition in their faces. I had the distinct impression that this was yet to happen. Those I could see appeared to be dressed at least semi-formally.

Ok, now my stomach is starting to hurt. I just expectorated some cigarette tar, maybe that's it. My body is like, ok, if they lungs are going to hurt, we have to reroute power from the stomach block. Either that, or the coffee is sitting heavy on the cereal.

Am I just getting warm with this toque on? Making me mini-heat-stroke? Doubtful. Rambling though. What person other than me would care to read this? Admit it, if you aren't me, and you are reading this, aren't you asking yourself 'why am I reading this?'. I'm sorry, I'll try and make this more interesting again.

Should I embrace the drink, as it is a socially acceptable addiction, at least in part? Not that I am shunned for my marijuana consumption, though a few do disapprove. It's more like, because my father had his problems with the bottle, I'm afraid I'll get stuck in that too. So when I do drink, I am worried and guilty, making the drinking less fun, more stressful. So I drink more, to alleviate the stress, bringing me closer to that which I fear, being a full blown junky. I guess the term is drunk when you mean alcohol. Drunky.

Well, that's one thing I fear, but I'm not about to reveal all my secrets.

I've been thinking about a trip I had one time. I was high on a little pcp, and a lot of acid. I listened to music so loud, I lost contact with my body. All my attention was on the incoming audio signal. It bled through into my vision and sense of touch. As though all my cells are but floating on the surface of reality, which in turn is being rocked by the music. The music carries me through reality. It's hard to describe.

Almost like I backed my awareness up into my head, so all I was aware of was the music. What a good time that was. I literally had to check to see if I had ejaculated(I hadn't, but would not have been surprised if I had). I almost lost contact with my body another time on salvia. I was a tube, except for the back of my head, which I could still feel pressing hard into the floor. I could see the static from my headphones spiralling out from both sides in front of me, like a double helix.

It scared me, so I pretty much jumped up back into three dimensions. I don't know why, but I want to try and experience being music again. But I am afraid of bad-tripping. When I was drunk, I said for sure it is worth the risk to dose and try for a great buzz. But in the sober light of day, I just don't know if it's worth the risk.

So now that my shift is almost over, I'm thinking about tomorrow and payday. What should I do with my extra cash? Lots of alcohol? Guitar supplies? Try and find some pills? Finally get that prescription cough syrup? Damn intoxicants, so fun, but so shameful. Maybe just buy a lot of weed and smokes so I don't run out.

Now this post is getting shitty again, so I'll wrap it up here. May random find you well.\m/