Monday

Monday.
The start of the work-week.
Pay week this week, that's good.
Already spending the cash in my head.

Doesn't look like I'm going to make it to Moncton this weekend.
I'll try and blame it on cash I think, but we'll know it's because I'm cowardly.

While it is true, that my buying a train ticket would leave me broke for a week, that is not the real reason why I'm not going to go. I think anyway.

What is the real reason then? Too much pressure? Fear?
But of what. Change? Loss? Loss of what, innocence? Not likely.

Identity maybe. For so long, I have been alone, and have been shaped by that, even defined by my solitude, that I am afraid to let someone else in. It's not even like she's saying she wants a relationship or anything, she just wants me to come stay with her for a visit. Watch some dvds, even have a couch to sleep on should I not feel up to preforming. She bought some pork just in case I do go, so I'll have some meat to eat, as she's almost a vegetarian.

The guilt is terrible now.

Is she buying stuff to try and lure me? I remember; one time she was supposed to come to town to fix her car. When her car was unable to make it, she came anyway. When I asked about this, I got the impression she may have come just to see me. She did not directly say this, but I did not try to clarify. Am I unwilling to make the trip just to see her? I know if I had a concert or some other excuse to go, it would be easier.

I've never really left town to go see someone just to hang out for a day or two. Always had a concert to go to to make the trip worthwhile. There's the guilt; is it not worthwhile to go and see a friend? You despicable bastard you.

I'm reminded now of a time when a friend came to visit and we ate mushrooms together. At some point, we experienced a miscommunication. We are no longer friends. At least, not like we were. We can be civil, and even occasionally hang out with mutual friends and be alright. But it's not the same. I've got my guard up all the time, gotta watch what I say, I can't relax, drinking helps, but then I get nervous about losing control. So it's easier to just avoid. Avoid intense situations, and people that make me nervous. Seems reasonable.

But what if sexual tension makes me nervous? There's no if about it, it does. So, should I avoid any situation that is remotely sexual? Duh, that's sounds like a bad idea. What about for now? What if I avoid sex for a while, get my head straight and my work in order before I go hunting? Will it be any easier then, after I've stabilized? Or will it be harder, with more time since my last foray into the bedroom?

Bah, enough of this. If free will is an illusion, then I have no choice in the matter anyway.

That's a big if though.

No conclusion yet, just chewing on some ideas. I may yet go to Moncton, but I'm leaning towards cowering at home. It's like my gut is telling me "No, not yet, there's work to be done". I want to listen to my gut, but my head is arguing; "What work? If you only get one life, do you want to waste it working? You can always leave her if she gets too heavy.". My loins chime in; "Yeah! You ain't afraid of a little disease are yah? You ain't gettin' any younger either, so get to fuckin' already!". They all make such good arguments.

So I'm back where I started. Unsure, just sort of leaning gut-wise. I'll probably end up ignoring the decision until it's too late, and I'll have already made it by missing the train. Does knowing this help me at all, I wonder? Am I helpless to change it? Maybe I'm more interested in what comes next. Maybe I assume I won't be going anywhere, and I want to see how it all plays out. No more painful plans hopefully. Just let myself fade into the background.

Time will tell, as always.