general anxiety

Still anxious, days later.
I want to grow, but I'm afraid to change.

I'm so used to being frightened and self-depreciating, that I don't know how to be confident. I'm not even sure that I want to.

Well, part of me certainly does. It's like I have to fight with myself. I don't know who to root for, either way I win and lose.

What am I so afraid of? Humiliating sexual encounter? Mostly. I'm afraid my lack of expertise will prove humiliating. I imagine quickly gathering my shit, and leaving. Although, I'd be in a different city, so where I'd go, I'm not sure.

The alternative; remaining shut-in, stay basically the same, don't grow, pick up more useless information, stay scared, gradually speak with fewer and fewer people until only my immediate family can tolerate my presence. Either that, or I'll develop a sudden cult-following, have money come in from google adsense, quit my day-job, and start my rocket-ride to the top. I doubt that would be as fun as it sounds. I'd probably still end up kicking myself about the girls that I let slip through my fingers.

I just can't seem to imagine myself not fucking this up. And I know, it's gotta be shitty for her to try and figure out what's up with me. I know I'm having a hard time with it, and I've known me years longer than she has.

Part of me knows; just go, try, the worst that can happen isn't that bad. I have nothing to lose but some time I'd probably waste anyway. Come on, keep it together. You know you want it.

Could my lack of confidence be drug related?

I'm tired of this speculation. Less talk, more action, that's what I need right now. Good luck.
\m/