Results (part 3)

I still can't contact her.
I can get so close, but I can't type anything.
I feel pretty worthless, which is not helping me go back on my decision.
That's the thing, as soon as you bolt, you have to keep running. It gets harder and harder to explain why you ran the longer you go. Especially when you don't really know yourself.

I'm kinda listening, hoping she drops by to yell at me or something. I have it coming, and it would probably wake me up enough to act. I hope so anyway. Maybe I watch too many movies. Damn Hollywood.

Side note, strange visual distortions now, like a clear hair is lying on my field of vision, looped on one end. Or like a stringy darkening of vision. Not too comforting. Especially with just regular cannabis use and being on my second drink in as many hours. More kief than usual, perhaps this is related?

Sound outside! You idiot, you know she's not coming, why would she, you didn't contact her to invite her over. You could have, probably should have, but didn't. Now, what a surprise, alone again. But, it still feels like alone at least, after a day with my parents and uncle, waking up ten minutes before work, this thing hanging over my head all day. I could hardly follow tv or listen to what people said, I'd zone out and think, oh man, I hope she's not sad. Then come back and be totally lost for a moment.

I had an insight earlier, it's like I want to hang out with her, but do I have to come too? If I wasn't there I could go, all ghosty. Of course, that would be hellish, because if I were a ghost, she would surely not mourn my death forever, and if I were to haunt her, I would inevitably be forced to see her with someone else. It would be oh-so exquisitely painful, watching some buffoon do so easily what I can't seem to for the life of me. Quite literally, for the life of me, in that case.

But even now, it's like, where am I heading? Am I just planning to self destruct, and I don't want to bring her down with me? Oh this picking it apart is bad too. I sound so whiny, cowardly, self-righteous and pathetic. Maybe I am doing her a favor. Fuck I wish I could get drunk. No, that's not quite it, sleep? I hope I get a good nights sleep and wake up feeling rested and relaxed. I haven't had that in a while.

I think I've been posting here too much, not enough substance. At the same time, too much is better than none. I'll probably try and cut back a bit, hit the hardcopy books up for some immersive sci-fi reading. Try an stay offline for a bit, so I'm not immediately reminded of what a douche I am every time I log on. Right now, I've not got too much on my mind. I fucked this thing up for now at least, work's pretty much stable. Money's not a big concern, though more would be nice. I've been like getting drunk and chatting with her. And now that she's nearby, I totally lose my nerve and disappear. So, because I've not really been doing much else, I don't have a whole lot in mind to distract me. Just painful reevaluation.

So, read some books, hopefully blow my mind, think about new things, maybe post about them. In time, I'll probably communicate with her, she's not one to hold a grudge. I may have missed my chance with her, but maybe not. Hopefully I will eventually get my head out of my ass and remember how to interact with people again. If not, it could be a long, painful existence.