Results (part 1?)

So, she came and got me, quite late at night.
We drove around for a while, talking, listening to music, smoking.
I could barely stand to look at her. She looked good. It hurts me that I didn't tell her.
I was like paralyzed with fear whenever I felt the sexual energy. But at the same time, I don't think it was a matter of blood for my brain being redirected elsewhere, just like overload. I'm like, ok, if I initiate something, where will it go? And I just don't know. And I stop. And I'm listening and looking and thinking, "What is she thinking? Does she want me to kiss her? She's talking right now. Am I sick with some infectious disease I haven't been diagnosed with?" That sort of thing. She checked the time, I said let's 'Head'er back" or something equally eloquent.

Still though, overall, hardly had my foot in my mouth the whole time. Very few awkward silences. Why couldn't I make a move? What's my block? It's like fucking deja vu; I get down to the beach in a car, and end up talking for an hour, and driving home. One time I initiated, and I achieved some measure of success. Why then, am I seemingly unable to do so again?

Was it because we drove around so long I started to sober up? Even though it was only a little, was it enough to shatter my confidence? I should have invited her in, I realize now that I'm on my second drink since returning. God, what an idiot. I can't even remember what we talked about. I remember a snippet about being religious when it's convenient. Fish tattoo. Fish in general. She had a pipe shaped like a fish. She was wearing glasses. Brown pants. It's like, I spaced out when I was thinking about saying something to lead us, well, together, at least temporarily. When I'd zone back in, I'd lose my nerve and mutter or something.

I don't think I pandered, which is always unappealing. I hope I wasn't too harsh either. Sometimes I can be a little quick on the draw with my comments. What is she thinking now? What does she think of me? Does she think I only like her when I'm drunk? That is not the case, but I can understand how one could think that. I am often much more truthful with regard to my inner thoughts when I am intoxicated. Thus, I am able to tell her how I feel a bit when I'm drunk, not because I'm only attracted to her drunk, but because I've only got the nerve to tell her drunk. Lame excuse or not, it's like fuck, I know I like her, why can't I tell her. I'm angry and laughing at the same time. It's like fuck Marc, you're so stupid sometimes.

So again, overall, it was fun. It was stressful, but that was exciting. I hope she isn't insulted by my not getting sexual. I would like to try this again, perhaps sober from the start, see how that works. Start earlier too, don't wait until 1:30am to get things rolling. More time to ease closer.

What have I learned; I am attracted to her, I still have difficult initiating, marijuana and light alcohol intoxication doesn't cut through the difficulty, I am still concerned that I might be unworthy or apparently unclean, and I AM able to spend time alone with her without it being too awkward. If we had been sitting side-by-side, I'd have put my arm around her, and that would have been a good start. I should try and watch that DVD with her tomorrow, that would certainly provide the right kind of circumstances.

I'll probably send her an offline message(hopefully she's offline) after this telling her that I thought she looked good. Chicks dig that sorta thing. Better late than never I figure. Well, again, time will tell on this one. Good luck.