My reflection (Dirty mirror?)

In the last year, I have taken probably somewhere in the neighbourhood of a hundred grams of methylenedioxypyrovalerone. I had a number of instances of malnutrition, sleep deprivation, and even near the end a little bit of delusion and paranoia. Those last two could really be a product of the first two, sleep-dep and mal-nu-trep. More like sleep debt actually.

As I became a father last August, I have a baby at home. I know, it sounds bad, but rest assured, my son is fine, no worse for the wear. In fact, by not being hungry, I was able to do without food to make sure he was fed. I stayed awake for four days straight, not for fun, because it is not fun, but so he and his mother could sleep. I would take the night feedings, then go to school or work.

My grades did suffer, but from sleep deprivation, not intoxication. The four days awake in a row ended with a test, which i believe i failed(67% i think, and 75% is a pass). My marks were high enough that my final mark hardly dropped at all, but when i got the test back, i could see clearly that my thinking was definitely altered at the time of taking the test. I remember one question that was something simple, like math, and I answered with a paragraph. Something like this;

"1+1 = Bananas are an excellent source of potassium. Found in trees, they grow in hot climates. Monkey's notoriously love bananas..."

It's not an actual quote, but it was a test about pharmaceutics, and I can't remember the actual question and answer....
blah blah blah you get the idea. Sleep deprived is no way to take a test.

I experienced heart palpitations and headaches when i took too much. Hallucinations, delusions and paranoia after a year doing it, mixing it with some other stuff (2c-x, either b or i, either way, turned a regular day into an x-files episode, but that was just that one time.... heh heh heh). I felt the fear. Cthulhu cultists everyone. Is that the mothership? She's a witch! Well, it's a battle of wills and mirrors eh!

The last time I did it, I had freebased some, and I could here voices in white-noise. Static over the baby monitor(he was in another town), running water, buzzing or humming electronics. I ended up throwing away the rest of my stash, as well as all my toys and trinkets for taking it, weighing it, storing it, selling it, encapsulating it.

I sort of wish I kept some of that stuff. I threw away my stash of other peoples prescriptions that they no longer needed. Along with my salvia, a joint (not for the weed, but because i rolled some mdpv freebase and seroquel in with it). The mdpv, well, scared me. Like when I threw salvia in the ocean or flushed mushrooms down the toilet. This time though, I'm drawn back.

I really like stimulants. The energy, the focus, the certainty. The productiveness! I liked it more when She was preggo still. I don't blame her for my problems, but seeing her get to liking it a little too much was concerning. I still struggle with bouts of paranoia, but I always have as far as I remember. I was like 9 when I had to talk to the guidance counsellor about my fear of ufos. Thank you "Fire in the Sky". It's a movie about Travis Walton, and his alleged abduction. The key thing is, at the start, it said based on a true story. That scared me as a 9 year old.

But as I was getting to; mushrooms and salvia are still scary. A little mushrooms isn't too scary, but still a little. And a lot of shrooms, or any of that salvia I had, that was scary. MDPV is scary, in that I would do a line right now and that scares me. I threw it away when i realized i couldn't remember if I had hurt Her or not. I hadn't, but the fact that I couldn't remember scared me enough to get rid of what I had secretly kept after she asked me to flush it all.

I don't want my life to end like the movie Spun does. Just kind of stops, nothing finished, nothing even really started. Just one less character.

8 6 2, seven eight, 2 6 3, seven eight nine....

Good tune.

Drinking pretty steadily tonight. I started at about 5. I had to deal with some cell phone company on hold waiting bullshit. Not fun. It was right after I finished my call centre job as well, so, I hung up the phone to go make a half hour call. I should have gotten stoned first.

So, I've been logged into the ole E-Buddy doing an avatar slide show for about a half hour. I don't even know if anyone is watching. But, there may be someone online that I hope is watching. Nothing lewd, I should say. I have no photos of that nature on my computer. Plenty online.

Got iTunes on shuffle. I have good music. A thought occurs to me; should I buy more alcohol tomorrow? I remember now; I am supposed to be acquiring an alternative tomorrow. I hope that works out.

Alcohol is acceptable though. I seem to have had much luck with it as of late. Not too bad in the hangover department, no DUI, not broke. Haven't been vomitous-sick in a little while, a week at least. I even had two drinks earlier and sobered up before I got to the night's REAL drinking. I should probably close the chat, as I'm no longer sober enough to trust my judgement. I'm kinda like the guy in this video right now;



Generally though, I'd say something more like "Let's interface our genitals" or something equally robotic. It usually gets a laugh, but my eyes let her know I'm serious. Sometimes her eyes return the sentiment, sometimes they don't. That's life; can't win 'em all.

Whoa, did I name a post this same thing before? Crazy deja vu. I'm in an infinite mirror hallway. I am so small and insignificant. Dust in the wind, I am a grain of sand...

...snap back. Here I am. Song is over, time to change. Change - Blind Melon, that's what I'll play. Damn, I didn't log off the chat yet. I'm likely to eat my foot. Knowing that, i still can't close it yet. What if I receive a message?

Kyuss time. \m/

I had a weird sensation in my throat earlier. I wonder what corkscrew esophagus feels like. It was unpleasant, whatever it was. Too many cigarettes I figure. Thoughts now turning to the coming days. Will I get that jazz I'm waiting on? Should I go buy more marijuana or alcohol? I should let any readers know, I do in fact have Crohn's disease, a condition which Health Canada recognizes as potentially benefiting from medical marijuana use. Now, the local gastroenterologist said he believes marijuana only benefits the terminally ill, and it is against his personal beliefs to prescribe it otherwise. Meanwhile, I went from seven pills a day to a few puffs a day. So, yes it is still illegal for me, but I could put up a good fight in court. So, I'm probably not worth trying to prosecute, especially considering I know that juries determine guilt not based on law, but based on personal ethics, I think I could convey the difference quite well in court. Like, if someone stole bread to feed their family, yes the stole, but for a good reason. Yes I consume illegal drugs, but they genuinely help me. But that is a post for another day.

\m/Supa Scoopa & Mighty Scoop!\m/

Results (part 3)

I still can't contact her.
I can get so close, but I can't type anything.
I feel pretty worthless, which is not helping me go back on my decision.
That's the thing, as soon as you bolt, you have to keep running. It gets harder and harder to explain why you ran the longer you go. Especially when you don't really know yourself.

I'm kinda listening, hoping she drops by to yell at me or something. I have it coming, and it would probably wake me up enough to act. I hope so anyway. Maybe I watch too many movies. Damn Hollywood.

Side note, strange visual distortions now, like a clear hair is lying on my field of vision, looped on one end. Or like a stringy darkening of vision. Not too comforting. Especially with just regular cannabis use and being on my second drink in as many hours. More kief than usual, perhaps this is related?

Sound outside! You idiot, you know she's not coming, why would she, you didn't contact her to invite her over. You could have, probably should have, but didn't. Now, what a surprise, alone again. But, it still feels like alone at least, after a day with my parents and uncle, waking up ten minutes before work, this thing hanging over my head all day. I could hardly follow tv or listen to what people said, I'd zone out and think, oh man, I hope she's not sad. Then come back and be totally lost for a moment.

I had an insight earlier, it's like I want to hang out with her, but do I have to come too? If I wasn't there I could go, all ghosty. Of course, that would be hellish, because if I were a ghost, she would surely not mourn my death forever, and if I were to haunt her, I would inevitably be forced to see her with someone else. It would be oh-so exquisitely painful, watching some buffoon do so easily what I can't seem to for the life of me. Quite literally, for the life of me, in that case.

But even now, it's like, where am I heading? Am I just planning to self destruct, and I don't want to bring her down with me? Oh this picking it apart is bad too. I sound so whiny, cowardly, self-righteous and pathetic. Maybe I am doing her a favor. Fuck I wish I could get drunk. No, that's not quite it, sleep? I hope I get a good nights sleep and wake up feeling rested and relaxed. I haven't had that in a while.

I think I've been posting here too much, not enough substance. At the same time, too much is better than none. I'll probably try and cut back a bit, hit the hardcopy books up for some immersive sci-fi reading. Try an stay offline for a bit, so I'm not immediately reminded of what a douche I am every time I log on. Right now, I've not got too much on my mind. I fucked this thing up for now at least, work's pretty much stable. Money's not a big concern, though more would be nice. I've been like getting drunk and chatting with her. And now that she's nearby, I totally lose my nerve and disappear. So, because I've not really been doing much else, I don't have a whole lot in mind to distract me. Just painful reevaluation.

So, read some books, hopefully blow my mind, think about new things, maybe post about them. In time, I'll probably communicate with her, she's not one to hold a grudge. I may have missed my chance with her, but maybe not. Hopefully I will eventually get my head out of my ass and remember how to interact with people again. If not, it could be a long, painful existence.

thinking in circles

I can see myself easily falling into a routine.
Wakeup eat breakfast shower shave brush floss.
Go for a run read the paper have a coffee do the crossword.
Work from home log a few hours.
Coffee on breaks, friendly sunshine chit-chat.

I take a walk before supper, resupply, buy some food,
booze, smokes, or drugs. Go to the library, rent a movie.
Come home, make supper, relax for a bit. Watch tv.

Do dishes, tidy up, maybe do laundry.
Work more if feeling productive.
Then, consume substances, watch movie, or read.
Listen to music, write, draw, play video games.
Surf the net, watch old cartoons, cook crazy snacks.

Yawn, sleep bed, repeat.
Occasional resupply of clothing or cooking materials.
Cleaning products, new shoes, new mop, new towels,
new bedding.

Over time, upgrade furniture and appliances. HDTV.
Plasma screen. Exercise machine. Bigger apartement.
Keep up with cell phones and computers. Fancy deep frier.

Then what? Get a car, work more, bigger place, work more.
Fun hobbies, expensive, work more. Investment, more stress,
more substances, more money, more work.

So, wanting to be left to my own devices may prove unwise.
I may while away my time here, gathering anecdotes for
occasional encounters with old friends and interesting strangers.

But hearing it like that, doesn't actually sound too bad.
Just that something's missing, as though I'd be waiting for something.
Or someone.

Job upgrades could cover potential dependents i suppose.
But the stress of changing jobs, looking for work. Wondering how
long I'll last. How long until I slip up or this place just gets to me.

I want to be able to be alone, but I also want to be able to consult with
others to share ideas and to stay in touch with reality. I want to be alone
so I can think and concentrate on matters which may be trivial or frightening.

I'm probably full of shit. I dunno, maybe I just want some friends I trust.
Maybe I want to...

"..See I've lost my way..."
-Cicatriz ESP

ESP indeed.

I don't know what I want. I want to though.

Maybe I want some interesting problems to deal with.
Like time, and space.

Lofty aspirations.

I'd like to not have to work.
Not login and dial a few hours.
I'd rather work on a project.
Complete it, submit it, and tour around showcasing it.
Then enjoy a period of financial security.
And repeat.

Sounds simple enough.
Can't do it.

Both? Neither?

I'll live long and die young.
I'll work hard and hardly work.

Cryptic ramblings of no practical value.
True or not.

Reality unwound.