late night reflections (changing growth)

So, last night, I stayed up until well, this morning, chatting with the girl I have been chatting up as of late. Apparently, she will be in my vicinity in the near future. She wishes to spend time with me. This excites and frightens me. I know, I said no more whining, but I guess I'm not as good at directing my thoughts as I thought.

I'm excited, because I like her, at least somewhat, and she wants to spend time with me, thus proving she likes me at least somewhat as well. I don't want to be broke, and have no cigarettes or marijuana. I may even want to drink, but I'll play that by ear I think. That's the first time I've really thought of this as going to happen. Not even that we're necessarily going to have sex or anything, just being alone together for an extended period of time, I'm worried I'll talk too much and say something regrettable. I'm also worried, as it's been a while, that I'm out of practice, and may 'arrive early'. Hell, even if I don't, it's not as though I've had much practice to work off of.

Well, what's the worst that could happen? I could make an ass of myself, apologize profusely, and never be able to face her again. That might be just cutting to the chase really. I'm not too worried about her spreading shit about me, as she's a fairly good person, and I don't think I'll do anything too shameful.

I guess, I could live with that. It's the, really liking each other, wanting to spend more time together, getting serious stuff that really scares me. Har-har. Stereotypical. And she's not sending me any signals like about wanting to be exclusive or anything, so I don't know why I'm so worried. Typing it out relieves the pressure a bit, but I don't want to be lulled into a false sense of security. I just don't want to open up, and for some reason, I think with her I might.

Will I be around? Or will I disappear at the bottom of a bottle? Will I drive around listening to CBC radio for a week until I figure she's left town, just so I don't have to grow and change? Time marches on, so it's really unavoidable, change. Growth, well, that too, might be unavoidable. Just how you grow that changes. Changing growth. Sounds like a buzz-word.

Time will tell how I behave. I suspect I will spend time with her. How it will go, I do not know. I'll probably borrow some cash so I don't have to hit her up for smokes, that's never fun. We've got this DVD to watch, I'm not sure where's best for that yet. Maybe we'll just go for a drive, smoke some grass, drink some coffee. If that goes well and I'm not shooting lightning out of my spine, then I guess I'll invite her back here for the DVD, maybe suggest a stop at the liquor store, if I feel it might be a good idea. It may be that I'll already have something just in case I can't shake the jitters.

Am I more concerned with the environment than the company, exactly what my dream warned me of? Or am I also like the dream, delaying the intimacy because I know deep down there's nothing there, and when we finally are alone, we'll both lose interest? Fer-fuck's-sakes, I think too much. Does it matter either way? Don't I want to find out what will happen? If I get hurt down the road, well, at least I'll be doing something in the meantime. There's a corny quote about that, I'd rather not repeat it here.

So wish me luck if you're not me and you're reading this. And if you are me, update the people on how it went. At least typing it out might help you get your head straight. Now, back to Mega Man 9...