And when they were down, they were down.

The grand old Duke of York,
He had ten thousand men.
He marched them up to the top of the hill
And he marched them down again.

And when they were up, they were up;
And when they were down, they were down.
But when they were only halfway up,
They were neither up nor down!

-The Grand Old Duke of York

Ever get the feeling, that you missed the boat? You fucked up, and it's too late to go back and fix it. You'll never get ahead of your problems, you'll never feel financially secure. You'll worry until you give yourself a stroke or a septic ulcer. You'll die, and leave behind a poverty stricken family, grieving and ashamed parents, or worse, people will just be glad you're gone.

Three shifts in a row cancelled at work, and I thought my numbers were up, I'm in the good. Christmas is coming, it'll be lean this year. We'll have some good food and all, but not much in the way of presents. That's ok though, it's just stuff. I feel worse about not being able to buy my family what I'd like to for them. I just can't afford it. I haven't really asked for much myself, just some pants. I don't feel like I need anything else really. I don't even want anything. I feel undeserving.

Fuck I hate this defeatist attitude shit. It's like, fuck off Marc, so what if you like to get drunk and you don't like to get close to people. It hurts when you try to change. Maybe stop trying to force yourself to meet others' expectations!

Oh me, but I don't want to disappoint my parents. What if I do something stupid? What if I get myself killed? I can't do that to them.

I want to get away, to get my own place again, but what if I just do the same shit? End up in the same hole I was in. I'll end up owing more money and in worse physical condition than I'm in now. Not to mention, with my shifts getting cancelled, it's not like I could afford it with my current employment.

*sigh*

But I don't want to change!

Well, I guess I do, but not too much. If I change my behaviour to blend in, is that lying to myself? It's like I don't even know what I want. Fucking TV has me convinced I want a super-model girlfriend, a sports car, and a job with a gun. I'm not so sure I'm cut out for any of that. I'd like to not worry so much. I could see a shrink and get some benzos for that probably, but would that leave me any better off? Or just numb to the fact I should be worrying?

"It's relentless,

Invisible,

Indefatigable,

Indisputable,

Undeniable,

So how come it looks so beautiful?"

Like the song aenima(I'm too lazy to get the ae blendy character), it seems to accept the eventual destruction of our creations, and perhaps even enjoy it. Something I can relate to. Listening to the radio, CBC, talking about plastic bags and advertising to children, in a comedic debate format. It was a little fucked. It's was funny at the time, but in retrospect, it's some serious shit to be joking about. This coming from the guy that enjoys a good cannibalism joke.

One remark that struck me was that advertising to children is like hunting; only one party really knows it's involved.

I think it's time for some nine inch nails. Warm-up with a little perfect drug. A little light listening before I dive into the fragile. Damn, need the new flash player. I must have a virus, no way that shit is updated this often. My computer is running so slowly. It's agonizing. I just want to hear a song. It would literally be over by now. While I'm waiting, Id like to vent about the Wii.

I am a brainwashed fanboy, but man, I wish Nintendo would make the Wii work a little better. How about updating the Internet channel now and then, so we can play videos on the tee-vee. And the friend codes, come on, so annoying. At least let us detect we friends using the same game, rather than needing a friend code for the console and each game. That's too much. And how about some chat? The Wii-speak best work well. Although, it's too late for call of duty.

And to the players of World of War for the Wii; you fucking morons! Get out of my way! When I stab you, that means move so I can fucking get outta here, you're blocking the only exit, and you're going to get us both killed with you incompetence. And don't vote to skip the level in the last 10 seconds, the whole point of skipping the level is to skip the 40 second intermission. We is some impatient mother-fuckers that play this game long enough to roll over our prestige. To explain further, when you vote to skip at the last second, it will reset the clock by about 20 seconds, making you wait again. If you vote quickly, you just skip the intermission, and go right to the 'game is starting' screen, where the names are already separated into teams. Then it's like 10 seconds to wait, 10 seconds to start the round, and you're back in action.

I fucking knew it! The video still won't open. Fucking flash. Fucking Windows. Fucking life. ARRGGHH!

But yeah, Call of Duty, that's a good way to kill some time. Fucking sharpens the mind. I beat the first head shot challenge for the kar98k or whatever it's called today. That was fun. Got my KDR over 1.0. It was low cuz I let my brother and his friend play a bunch one weekend. No worries though, it's not like I'm anywhere near the top ten.

There, got some nine inch nails going finally. Not working though, going to have to go right for the fragile I guess. "Where is everybody?". There we go. Crank it a bit. My ears don't work so well when I've been drinking. Or maybe I'm used to the super-hearing of being way high on weed. As mentioned previously, I'm drinking to reduce my smoking. It has other benefits as well, other side effects too.

Good and bad, like everything.

Lost in the song for a minute.

I know what's next. "Into the void".

I read recently about a plan to try and ignite the gas giants in our solar system. To try and build a second sun basically. And I've gotta say; it sounds interesting. Melt Europa or Titan, make another Earth, all ready for settling. What's the worst that could happen? Radiation overload? Life would evolve. Maybe not humans, but something would. Ok, maybe that's a pretty bad worst case scenario. Still, not so bad to totally give up on the idea.

Just some food for thought.

Saturn ascends indeed.

The crazy depressing songs of Trent Reznor always make me feel better about feeling bad. Not really feeling better, but that hey, I'm not that only one disappointed with myself, life, and the human race.

"Tried to save myself but my self keeps slipping away"

Time is a one-way street for all intents and purposes. What's grown crooked cannot be made straight, that was in a Thom Yorke song earlier I think. Maybe that explains why I can't straighten shit out. Can't put stuff together neatly. It doesn't fit neatly. Kinda abstract now, not totally sure what I mean. I will consult this in the future.

For now, I will conduct myself as usual. Trying to steer my actions in a harm reducing manner. I'm repeating myself, aren't I? There's no right answer but to proceed. Maybe choice is an illusion, doesn't mean the ride isn't fun. You don't steer the roller coaster, but you can still enjoy the ride.