stream of thort

I sometimes feel like the guy lying down in the street in this video.

***

There was a line in Fear & Loathing, which was on last night, that struck me.

"A drug person can learn to cope with things like their dead grandmother crawling up their leg with a knife in her teeth"(not sure if it is an exact quote)

This made me realize hey; my crazy drug experiences are basically run of the mill, and pale in comparison to some heavy users' trips.

A fellow called me about doing some ecstasy yesterday. I told him I wasn't interested. I was quite proud of myself. I do like the beans from time to time, but it wasn't a good night. I want to be in good spirits for my 'date' next week. Don't want to risk dopamine depletion.

Looks good so far.

Haven't written anything hard copy yet. I've been busy. Holidays and all. Also nervous. Am I going to get too drunk? Talk too much? Premajack? Find her suddenly unattractive? Black out?

In the Templar, Arizona comic, there are these copy-books that float around town in cabs and waiting rooms and stuff. They are basically self-published magazines that people leave around town. I had thought of something similar a few years ago, but never bothered to assemble a copy. Perhaps now is a better time to look into this.

She got me something for Christmas. I hope it isn't mushrooms. They scare me. I mean, I'd like to have some for a rainy day, but I'd feel obligated to consume them immediately with her if she gave them to me. If I were to bad trip, well, it probably wouldn't be much fun. Not as much as it could be.

But then again, it could be really good. Feeling an emotional and almost psychic connection with my environment, and melding with another member of that environment. It could be really mind blowing, I suppose.

My luck though, she'd have to keep me from running out into the cold winter night and dying of exposure. *Sigh*. Not to mention the fact that I have very little money to even try and scrape together a gift for her. I'm thinking some green dragon, and maybe she'll accept sexual attention as a gift. If I can muster it. Heh heh. Ok, I've got the confidence boost of alcohol to aid me now.

She made sure that she is getting something we both like to drink, so I can rest easy that there will be something, but my biggest problem has always been initiating. Since I was too young to be interested in sex, I've been told things like no means no and you will go to jail and be raped yourself if you sleep with a drunk girl who later is unable to remember herself consenting and sexual transmitted diseases will kill you and having a child is a gigantic burden. Now, I'm nervous about having sex. I've almost always been way drunk when I've made sexual advances, successful or not. I've had more success drunk though, that much I can say. I suppose, we do sort of use too much innuendo and double-speak, at least in our youth, with regard to sex. Sometimes when I'm sober, I'll second guess myself into a corner, and just try and go home alone to not offend anyone. When I'm drunk, I'm more likely to flirt and build rapport and such. I still have a hard time closing the deal. Making physical contact. Demonstrating interest.

Is this just fear of rejection?

I worry too much.

I like the relationship in music between the notes. With guitar, I think of this as a fret-difference. A two or three fret difference, three frets higher and two frets lower(from a starting note) offer many different combinations. Slides between them, strum frequency, tap speed, et cetera. It's odd, like the shapes I find myself drawing when I do draw. I instinctively round out the edges, try and make smooth curves. I sometimes end up with shapes that turn up under microscopes, which is somewhat interesting. Coincidence?

I really enjoy the music of the band tool. It is hard to get into, especially if none of your friends like it (I imagine). But it pays off. It is dense music. Not just the instruments and the lyrics, but the relationships. The forethought in their construction of songs, their attention to detail, their terrific live shows, their humorous and cryptic interviews, all these things make tool the band that they are.

There is much to be said about tool, but now is not the time. Check out youtube for some awesome live clips.

I've run out of things to say better kept to myself, so I best end this post. May random find you well. I'll see you in the future. \m/