fuck joseph-gordon levitt

he bites his tongue
swallows his pride
hides his pain
deep inside

but to what end, does he befriend this sorrow?

If only to hold on,
'til tomorrow

"Can I borrow a feeling,
can you lend me a jar of love"

So sad,
Milhouse's dad.
At one time it was a joke.

Thoughts I had,
Dreams good or bad,
Swallowed before their spoke.

Smoke when sad
Drink when mad
If I keep this up I'm going to choke.

Sing a song
Nothings wrong
Throat's to dry to hit the bong

SHUT UP SHUT UP AND TAKE A GRAVOL

Smoke a bowl and go to sleep
why bother talking
talk is cheap

just lay down and go to sleep
not mean
not bad
not being a creep

End of the Month

I'm a little nervous about the end of the month now. It looks as though we'll be evicted on the twenty-third of this month, and we only have a new place to live as of the first of next month. Obviously, that poses a problem. Not so much where will we stay, we can get a cheap hotel room for a week, but where will we keep all our stuff? We have a rather large bed, a fish tank, a cage with three ferrets, a few chairs, some tables, the usual stuff really. Too much to bring to a hotel room. Also, as I work from home over the internet, so, if we stay in a hotel room for a week, I'll have to take a week off I guess.

Not only that, we'll have to pay the first month's rent, along with the damage deposit, and this month's rent that we didn't pay yet. Plus I need to get my criminal record check for school by the twenty-eighth, and make my way out to Dieppe some time soon to meet with a Training and Skills Development Canada officer or counsellor, I don't know what they like to be called yet.

But, I have been working a lot more. Today makes five days in a row, haven't done that in a while. If I continue working everyday for the next two weeks or so, I should have a good check for the end of the month too. Michelle wants to do something, maybe go on a little weekend trip to Halifax or something around Moncton.

That gives me an idea; we had wanted to go camping when we were in Bathurst, but were too busy. Perhaps this might be a good time to go camping. It is getting late in the summer now, the campgrounds should be fairly emptied out, if we even go to one. We should be pretty well set to relax for a few days. Hell, we could maybe camp instead of getting a hotel room. Shower at a friend's place, hope for good weather, that sorta thing. Food for thought anyway.

Well, work is getting a little busier, so I best focus on that for a while. May random find you well.
\m/

Don't think about necrotizing fasciitis

Oh my god.
So, I'm off the IV anti-biotics, woohoo!
I don't have to go back to the hospital until thursday to make sure the oral antibiotics are doing their thing. Gave me some gauze and tape and stuff, told me to keep it clean.
Well, I haven't really gotten a look at my ear since it was all swollen. Well, it's basically back to normal size, but it certainly isn't normal.

My ear is all scabby and crusty, and there's this open wound in the back. Like I can see inside my ear lobe. It's fucking disgusting, and what's worse, it doesn't hurt. That freaks me out. Nerve damage? Is there more to come? Is this a travelling infection? Are the antibiotics doing anything, or is it just the major drainage I'm getting at the hospital that's making it feel better?

My dad had MRSA last year, and they are giving me the M that the SA is Resistant to, so, if my infection is methicillin resistant, than this round of treatment won't do much. Not until they break out that vancomycin would I get better. And from what I hear, that can be a pain in itself.

I don't want to get to know the hospital staff because I'm there so often, I want to get my ear cleaned up, so I can walk around without a big gauze ear-cone on. I want to use the phone with my right ear. I want to sleep on my right side without worrying about fucking up my ear or juicing up the pillow.

Ok, now that that's out of the way, NO MORE IV! Woo hoo! I had my first shower in days, and man, it was pretty good, except for the big hole in my ear. I didn't really want to shampoo on account of that. Still, nice to be cleanish.

And I got to Tim Horton's twice today, that was nice. I've hardly had any coffee since moving in with the lady. She doesn't normally keep instant on hand, and we have no wheels of our own for Tim's runs. I guess it makes the coffee I do drink all the more enjoyable.

**An hour or so later**

I have returned to the keyboard. I spoke with my girlfriend, she is anxious to check out my ear, despite my warnings against it. I was right hungry until I checked out my ear. Totally lost my appetite.

I don't think it's flesh-eating or MRSA necessarily, I mean, it does seem to be responding to treatment. I wonder still, if this is headset related. I've been wearing headsets for my various call centre jobs for years. Usually for around 7 hours a day, sometimes 6 days a week. That much time with a headset on can't be good for one's ears. But then again, maybe they did studies that show you can wear headsets for 25 years without any permanent damage done. I haven't done the research to know.

Whatever it is, I'll keep an eye on it, follow the doctor's instructions, and go back to the ER if it gets worse.

Hey, I just realized; I'm totally not thinking about my finances. I was pretty worried about that, but it certainly has taken a back seat, now that I've had a look at my ear. Also; I think we worked some things out, so we should be pretty good to go, if all goes well.

Doing the dishes now. Sort of soothing. I'm all focused on what I'm doing, clean this knife, dry this bowl, it's freeing in a way. Almost like meditation. I will look for this peace of mind whenever I do the dishes. Any repetitive task I guess. I wonder; could I go into a trance for work, and sort of, float through the shift, almost like sleeping? Would I want to if I could? Am i already doing that now?

I hear people outside my window. It is 1:30 on a Saturday night, it's not entirely surprising. There is a university within walking distance, and you know those students and their dangerous fun. I'm already pretty edgy from the whole ear thing...

They seem to have quieted down or moved along. Either works for me. Not in the mood to make friends.

There's things to be done here before I head to bed.
Clean-ups, and calls to make, and such.
May random find you well.
\m/

Sick Day

Called in sick. It's good when the almost don't recognize your voice when you call. Quite congested. I'm supposed to take the train tomorrow morning. Feeling ill though, is it a good idea? I'd still like to go, but I could be contagious. Hopefully, it will pass quickly. I'm supposed to call her later, see what she thinks I guess. My shift for Friday was cancelled, today even, plenty of notice. I can stay until Sunday without missing any work.

My friend stopped by. We watched some Pure Pwnage. Good show. Another Canadian Internet comedy hit. He's supposed to head that way in the near future. I could probably catch a ride down with him. Especially if he heads down on Thursday, which would give me another day to lay around and try to get better. I'd probably want to be down there with my lady friend, but it might be the smart move to wait a day.



Doesn't maximize my time with her, but I don't know, I feel like my judgement is compromised somehow. Like I'm missing something. I'm so focused on getting to Moncton, I haven't thought of what comes next. New year and all, maybe I should give that some thought.



Still though, is it my health? Am I not seeing a decline in my health? Things sort of seem too good, knock on wood, to last. Maybe that's it, and I'm looking for what's going to go wrong next. They say you often find what you're looking for, so perhaps I should be looking for a positive outcome. Sounds like 'magical thinking', not really a safe way to exist, in my opinion. Too many dangerous possibilities.

It's almost midnight now, started this post early this morning, added to it later, and am finishing it up now. I arranged a drive down with my friend for tomorrow. I have the option of going to see a concert tomorrow night while my lady-friend/hostess is at work. 7-7, kinda shitty, but then she's off for four days or so. I am definitely nervous about the trip. I've never spent the weekend with a girl like this. Although, the last time we hung out, I stayed with her two nights in a row.

It's back to the good nervousness. The "I'm going, let's see what happens!" instead of the "Will I go? What's going to happen? Am I making a mistake?" variety. I'm pretty up-and-down lately. It could be the sickness. Could be, but I doubt it.

I had an idea today, about a story where the penguin population has exploded due to global warming. This leads to a threatening amount of penguins, and the toppling of human civilization. Perhaps known amongst the survivors as 'the great penguin war' or 'great penguin defeat'. I imagine it looking somewhat similar to the simpsons episode where dolphins rise up and drive human kind into the ocean. Maybe someday, I'll flesh out the details.

Happy New Year cosmos. May random find you well.

-M

stream of thort

I sometimes feel like the guy lying down in the street in this video.

***

There was a line in Fear & Loathing, which was on last night, that struck me.

"A drug person can learn to cope with things like their dead grandmother crawling up their leg with a knife in her teeth"(not sure if it is an exact quote)

This made me realize hey; my crazy drug experiences are basically run of the mill, and pale in comparison to some heavy users' trips.

A fellow called me about doing some ecstasy yesterday. I told him I wasn't interested. I was quite proud of myself. I do like the beans from time to time, but it wasn't a good night. I want to be in good spirits for my 'date' next week. Don't want to risk dopamine depletion.

Looks good so far.

Haven't written anything hard copy yet. I've been busy. Holidays and all. Also nervous. Am I going to get too drunk? Talk too much? Premajack? Find her suddenly unattractive? Black out?

In the Templar, Arizona comic, there are these copy-books that float around town in cabs and waiting rooms and stuff. They are basically self-published magazines that people leave around town. I had thought of something similar a few years ago, but never bothered to assemble a copy. Perhaps now is a better time to look into this.

She got me something for Christmas. I hope it isn't mushrooms. They scare me. I mean, I'd like to have some for a rainy day, but I'd feel obligated to consume them immediately with her if she gave them to me. If I were to bad trip, well, it probably wouldn't be much fun. Not as much as it could be.

But then again, it could be really good. Feeling an emotional and almost psychic connection with my environment, and melding with another member of that environment. It could be really mind blowing, I suppose.

My luck though, she'd have to keep me from running out into the cold winter night and dying of exposure. *Sigh*. Not to mention the fact that I have very little money to even try and scrape together a gift for her. I'm thinking some green dragon, and maybe she'll accept sexual attention as a gift. If I can muster it. Heh heh. Ok, I've got the confidence boost of alcohol to aid me now.

She made sure that she is getting something we both like to drink, so I can rest easy that there will be something, but my biggest problem has always been initiating. Since I was too young to be interested in sex, I've been told things like no means no and you will go to jail and be raped yourself if you sleep with a drunk girl who later is unable to remember herself consenting and sexual transmitted diseases will kill you and having a child is a gigantic burden. Now, I'm nervous about having sex. I've almost always been way drunk when I've made sexual advances, successful or not. I've had more success drunk though, that much I can say. I suppose, we do sort of use too much innuendo and double-speak, at least in our youth, with regard to sex. Sometimes when I'm sober, I'll second guess myself into a corner, and just try and go home alone to not offend anyone. When I'm drunk, I'm more likely to flirt and build rapport and such. I still have a hard time closing the deal. Making physical contact. Demonstrating interest.

Is this just fear of rejection?

I worry too much.

I like the relationship in music between the notes. With guitar, I think of this as a fret-difference. A two or three fret difference, three frets higher and two frets lower(from a starting note) offer many different combinations. Slides between them, strum frequency, tap speed, et cetera. It's odd, like the shapes I find myself drawing when I do draw. I instinctively round out the edges, try and make smooth curves. I sometimes end up with shapes that turn up under microscopes, which is somewhat interesting. Coincidence?

I really enjoy the music of the band tool. It is hard to get into, especially if none of your friends like it (I imagine). But it pays off. It is dense music. Not just the instruments and the lyrics, but the relationships. The forethought in their construction of songs, their attention to detail, their terrific live shows, their humorous and cryptic interviews, all these things make tool the band that they are.

There is much to be said about tool, but now is not the time. Check out youtube for some awesome live clips.

I've run out of things to say better kept to myself, so I best end this post. May random find you well. I'll see you in the future. \m/

Funny, but fucked up too.

Anxious. Seeing shadows, like tracers but reflections of the actual instead of a visual echo. Intermittent. The benadryl I took? The coffees I drank earlier? I am on my third drink containing Green Dragon. The project has been a success. The product does taste strongly of the additive. A higher quality additive would likely yield an even better result. I look forward to repeating this.

I called that lady-friend of mine. We spoke for a while. It was alright. I don't think I said anything offensive or acted too weirdly. We're supposed to hang-out some around the holidays. Let's hope I don't flake out. I did talk about video games a bit, like, I said something about how I don't like the phone ringing while I'm playing video games. She made a sarcastic comment, I followed suit, we laughed. Like all is well, but don't be hooked on the machine there. Which is reasonable I suppose.

Talked about a band from our hometown, she felt the same way I did about their music without my prompting her. That was kinda cool.

Not sleeping much lately. Anxiety related, thin curtains don't help much either. Staying up too late as well. Sleep debt might be making me feel bad. Can't help.

I remember one time I stayed awake for two or three days drinking coffee and pepsi. I went for a walk the second night, and everything seemed to be shrouded in thick fog. I couldn't see the end of the street I was on the fog was so dense. Things may also have been shiny, covered in frost, but that may be a false memory. Anyway, when I came in, I asked my roommates about the fog, and they looked at me funny and asked "What fog?". I figured it was probably about time to get to sleep then.

That was a strange time in my life. After I had a particularly bad idea, I woke up in the hospital unable to speak at a normal rate. It was like I was a skipping cd almost. Like I'd have to stutter through everything I said. This lasted an hour or two. I went home to sleep as soon as I was able to.

After 6 hours of sleep or so, I woke up, glad to be alive, and back to normal(or so I thought). I could now speak at a normal rate once again, and being that it was Halloween, I headed out to the liquor store with my roommates for the start of the night's festivities.

Over the next three days. I met a homeless person, who offered me a dorito. I ate it, though I do not like doritos, as he had just told me about stabbing a guy who tried to take his sleeping spot. I also was walking trying to figure out if I was alive or dead, and what should I see? A dead fox. I think it was a fox, maybe a raccoon or something similar. Anyway, it was dead right in the middle of the sidewalk. It must have been hit by a car or something, as it looked like it had hit the sidewalk pretty hard. I remember walking, being unsure if I was in some sort of coma dream, if the hospital really just sends you on your way after a crazy possible od with no instructions or anything. Not even a 'take it easy for a few days'. And I almost walked on this dead animal. And I had to stop in my tracks for a second and kind of gape. It was like this;
"So, you think you're dead eh? Well, I'll show you dead" *cue carcass* "There, that's dead. See? You're not like that fucker now are you? Now get to living and stop peering into the void that is your blackout. Somethings are blacked out for a good reason." And so, I went on my way.

Every time I try and really figure out the details of what happened, I end up blacking out again, with another mystery to solve. It's frightening. So, I try to just accept that I am alive, as I seem to be, try not to worry about the past, as it's over, and I can't change it, but also learn from it, even if you don't remember. How do you do that you ask? Hopefully, your subconscious retained the necessary information for you to benefit from your experiences, regardless of whether or not you remember them, and is able to relay that information to you through intuition or gut feelings.

I made something up today, and my lady-friend said, well, you learn something knew everyday. I had a flash like, everything was once a thought or idea, and the person that first had the thought figured it was just and idea, just something they came up with. Not a piece of vital information that would change history. Like the first guy that suggested maybe the earth goes around the sun. Everyone had a good laugh, except for one person in the room, who was like; "That's it! Eureka!". Like in fight club, when Bob dies, and the narrator says that his name was Robert Paulson, and then the whole idea gets taken out of hand to mean something totally different than intended. Probably why Kurt Cobain killed himself. It was just too much attention. Like you can't shit profundity. If you watch anyone long enough, you will find things to scrutinize. But if you love them too much, you perhaps let these things slide, even glorify them. Like when you tell stories that make you laugh sometimes, but make you sad others. Like it's funny, but it's fucked up too. That's life I guess.

general anxiety

Still anxious, days later.
I want to grow, but I'm afraid to change.

I'm so used to being frightened and self-depreciating, that I don't know how to be confident. I'm not even sure that I want to.

Well, part of me certainly does. It's like I have to fight with myself. I don't know who to root for, either way I win and lose.

What am I so afraid of? Humiliating sexual encounter? Mostly. I'm afraid my lack of expertise will prove humiliating. I imagine quickly gathering my shit, and leaving. Although, I'd be in a different city, so where I'd go, I'm not sure.

The alternative; remaining shut-in, stay basically the same, don't grow, pick up more useless information, stay scared, gradually speak with fewer and fewer people until only my immediate family can tolerate my presence. Either that, or I'll develop a sudden cult-following, have money come in from google adsense, quit my day-job, and start my rocket-ride to the top. I doubt that would be as fun as it sounds. I'd probably still end up kicking myself about the girls that I let slip through my fingers.

I just can't seem to imagine myself not fucking this up. And I know, it's gotta be shitty for her to try and figure out what's up with me. I know I'm having a hard time with it, and I've known me years longer than she has.

Part of me knows; just go, try, the worst that can happen isn't that bad. I have nothing to lose but some time I'd probably waste anyway. Come on, keep it together. You know you want it.

Could my lack of confidence be drug related?

I'm tired of this speculation. Less talk, more action, that's what I need right now. Good luck.
\m/

Results (part 2)

So I sent that offline message. I told her I'd be online later between like 5 and 7. Sure enough, when I appeared offline, she was there. I immediately started to panic. I felt my heart beat getting more intense, louder in my ears. I couldn't think. I signed in for real, no ghosting around. I double clicked her name, I had the window open. Then I froze.

I was thinking to myself, what do I say? Should I just say hey? How's it going? Should I be all intense and ballsy? Maybe that crazy fucker in Dr. Strangelove was half-right, right that we're being poisoned, wrong about it being fluoride. Xenoestrogens, like bisphenol-A. Synthetic chemicals that mimic estrogen in the body, but are not broken down like estrogen, and in fact have been accumulating in our environment for decades now. Controversial effects have been postulated. Even so, lame excuse; I am so riddled with girl-hormones that I don't know how to take the initiative. Fuck I hope that's not true.

It's like not too late to go out even, and I've already resigned myself to hiding. I may slink out to a bar for a night-cap, but even that is unlikely at this point. Do I really think of myself as unworthy of human affection? Am I unreasonably scared of disease? Am I just unable to allow myself to be happy? Why do I keep sabotaging myself? Do I feel unworthy of rest and company? What have I done so wrong that I'd condemn myself to a life of solitude?

I might be more likable if I was mostly sedated. Even some mild brain damage might make me more relateable. I'm like, yah computers, I know how you feel. Wasted. And not in the good way.

I probably want to get my shit together, get the fuck back out of the rents house, get a better job or secure a loan for further schoolin'. Why not wait until I'm done school? OR after the loans are paid? Or after I have my own house? Or after I retire? Yeah, that'll be fun, talking junior to his first day of school at like 71 years old. So go now? ...I cannot.

I'm going to look back at my life someday, and see it as a long string of crushing failures punctuated with minor success' and terrible trade offs. And yet, I feel powerless to change. I'm like, fuck I'm such a scumbag, nobody would want me, and this girl goes "I do", and I'm like, well you must not know me well enough yet. Perhaps if I jerk you around you will see me in a less flattering light. Like, I'm like driving her away, and reaching out when I'm drunk. Wow, I might be a cliche.

I need to do some serious neural pruning I think, too much in my startup files. Gotta trim the fat, less processes running, more focus. Too much information flying around my head, it's like, here's the cynic view, the optimist view, the rich man's view, the crazy man's view, and the religious man's view, all working off the same sensory data, all fighting over how to interpret it. It's not that I have different voices in my head or different personalities(I don't think), but that I can shift my perspective easily to imagine my interests and priorities are different.

Tick-tock, tick-tock. Time's a wasting. I'm sitting here digging in my shit while she's counting down the time she has left in town. What a jerk I must be. Maybe I will make that night-cap after all. Dread and shame right now. Not much fun.

"When life's hard, you have to change"
-Blind Melon

Going to listen to that I think. Good luck.