fuck joseph-gordon levitt

he bites his tongue
swallows his pride
hides his pain
deep inside

but to what end, does he befriend this sorrow?

If only to hold on,
'til tomorrow

"Can I borrow a feeling,
can you lend me a jar of love"

So sad,
Milhouse's dad.
At one time it was a joke.

Thoughts I had,
Dreams good or bad,
Swallowed before their spoke.

Smoke when sad
Drink when mad
If I keep this up I'm going to choke.

Sing a song
Nothings wrong
Throat's to dry to hit the bong

SHUT UP SHUT UP AND TAKE A GRAVOL

Smoke a bowl and go to sleep
why bother talking
talk is cheap

just lay down and go to sleep
not mean
not bad
not being a creep

So, guess what, I'm gonna be a parent. (Part 2; )

Well,
Things are moving along quite quickly now. Since I last posted, we heard the heartbeat of our unborn child, which was pretty cool. Healthy, 160 bpm, which is normal for a fetus. Michelle was a little stressed and even had the idea that maybe she wasn't pregnant at all, but had an ovarian tumor that made her miss her period. I pointed out there was much more going on than just the lack of menstruation. So yeah, she knew herself it was a pretty silly concern, but it was still there, nonetheless.

Last weekend I bought a car. It was my first car purchase. I'm twenty five years old, so, I'm a little late in getting around to buying a car. But, I got a pretty good deal, talked the guy down eight hundred bucks, always fun. The registration was cheaper to switch than I thought too, another bonus. Then I smoked a joint with the guy that sold me the car before I dropped him off. He was quite happy about that.

So, we drove to Bathurst this weekend to try it out. The cd player broke the first day, of course, but now I have an excuse to go buy a new fancy one! With a USB input as well as aux, so we can plug in the ipod, or even just a thumbstick. Maybe some speakers too, but I'll see how the new stereo sounds first.

We did our income tax this week too, and it looks like I should be getting a pretty penny. I hope to be able to buy a new computer, as my current laptop is over four years old, and kind of on its last leg. Don't get me wrong, it works fine and all, but it's processor and hard drive and even lack of dvd-burner are becoming annoying. You know, constantly deleting things so you can download new things, and not being able to watch something on one screen and surf the web in the other is a little bit of a hassle. Not to mention the mysterious overheat shutdowns.

I finished my first Math course of the Pharmacy Tech program today. I had a 101% average going in, I hope to maintain that if possible. But, I guess it's no biggie if I end up with a two digit average instead of three. I'm such a nerd. Also at school, we're doing a major review in Medical Science, as we our doing our midterm soon, and our second lab practical exam is tomorrow. March break is next week, so, we're kind of wrapping things up and moving things along to make sure we stay on pace.

The week that we come back after March break, the national pharmacy people are coming to the school to make sure we comply with all the requirements in order to be accredited, so after we finish our course, we just write the national exam to receive "Pharmacy Technician" certification. The teacher needed some volunteers to be in the lab just as a demonstration and to answer questions afterwards. I volunteered, because hey, it's certainly in my best interest for the course to be accredited. Also I'm a fairly knowledgeable member of the class, so, (not to toot my own horn) I would be a good representative for the class. Not the only one, but one of the better ones.

8)

And lastly, I come to my latest news. I recently ordered a research chemical, one that is very similar to ritalin, but more potent. I had thought about this for a few years, but only recently got a credit card, making it much easier to order. I may look at making that into a solution or packing some gelcaps, but it apparently is fairly unstable, so I guess I'll have to do some reading. I hope I don't run into any legal problems with this. I shouldn't as it is an unregulated substance. For now anyway.

Oh! I almost forgot! We made up a batch of pot brownies! With chocolate chips on top, mmmMMMmm, yummy! About one gram per brownie, not as good as the time my neighbour made them with hash, but still pretty excellent. The really do taste good too, like you kinda want to keep eating them, even though you shouldn't.

But yeah, having a car has been a big help for us. We can go do groceries without needing cabs, we can go through the drivethru at fast-food places, and of course, we can drive around, smoke, drink coffee, and listen to music. We got a four door, we're planning ahead. Got a car with decently low mileage as well, want it to last us a bit. Been fun driving to school, no more up at 6am to catch the bus at 7:15.

We've been shopping around for apartments too, as our current dwelling is a little ghetto, and we would prefer ground floor as well, Michelle being pregnant and already having a bad knee, we don't imagine stairs will be much fun this summer when she's about ready to pop.

Michelle has come around quite a bit. She doesn't seem scared, more excited. She's looking at all kinds of decorations and toys and furniture and blankets for babies, it's quite overwhelming really. But I'm just glad she's in better spirits.

She told the doctor she was pretty depressed, and she was prescribed a low dose of a SSRI anti-depressant. I guess it's working, but some of the side effects sort of suck. A lot. Like, for instance, reduced libido. I dunno, I assume it's the pills, because I stopped drinking like two weeks ago, and the sex kinda dried up around the same time. I'm a little concerned that there might be a connection there, but I'm doubtful. Also she's been sleeping like crazy, but that wouldn't bother me as much if she wanted to have sex when she was awake. Even a handjob would be nice.

Ok, perhaps I reveal too much now. But basically, all is well. I'm just a little whiner. We've got lots on the go, and the future is bright. I hope all is well with everyone else out there in the digiverse. May random find you well. \m/

Stream of thought

My head hurts.

I've been snotting for days and days.

Will this cold never end?

It probably is the swine flu.



Space. I don't know if I want space. Maybe I'm just being ridiculous.

But contact sure is nice.



It's true that I worry too much.



Damn internet, always showing me the worst case scenarios.



Ahh well, at least Trent Reznor knows what's going on.



Which is to say I'm in a Nine Inch Nails mood.

I feel sort of bad, because I need to provide some space.

The internet says that is a bad thing. I know myself I've been too, I don't know, accommodating?

But what do I do? Refuse a request from my lady love? Maybe if I just have a little more presence. I feel like I give up and give in to anything, never putting myself first. That can't be true though, alcohol has that reversing effect, where only I'm important or something. I don't know, I'm just rambling now.



I feel selfish for thinking but, sometimes I think I give more than I receive in the relationship.

I never figured myself for a good boyfriend, walking her to work and making her food and going to the store for her whenever she asks. But like, I guess I'm around too much, and I'm wearing thin probably. Even I get tired of myself, so I guess it's not entirely surprising.

***

The laptop overheated and shutdown mid-post earlier. No subtlety there. As if to say, "Quit your complaining!", the universe told me it had heard/seen/been enough by shutting my posting-power down. I guess doing a google search for "gf needs space" might not have been the best idea to inspire confidence in myself.

This cigarette tastes like getting new toys felt as a kid. The smell of the fresh plastic packaging and toys venting their dangerous chemical fumes, a memory brought back by inhaling an instantly active drug. A drug designed to stimulate the pleasure centers of the brain, made me remember the smell given off by new toys, coincidence? Is this smell added on purpose, to get kids to associate buying new things with experiencing pleasure? Not a terrible idea if your interests include ensuring the continuation of a commercial society.

Reading on websites like TFLN and FML, where ladies talk about their various triumphs and losses in the world of blow jobs, makes me wonder if my girlfriend has some kind of mental block with regard to fellatio. She seems so apprehensive, that I wonder if she isn't flat-out scared of blow jobs, or even penises altogether. Could she be a lesbian, and I'm just girly enough for her to enjoy sex with me? That's a somewhat frightening prospect. She has preformed them before, a few times. I believe with fellows she wasn't even going out with, which is kind of a slap in the face. It's like, "Oh, this guy who I just fooled around with for a few weeks, I put his cock in my mouth, but you, whose name I want to take, who's child I would not abort, I won't do that for you.". It just feels like she's holding back from me. I mean, she has never suggested anything that I didn't immediately try out. She hasn't suggested much though.

I feel bad again, for not being entirely satisfied with my current sexual situation. Like I'm being ungrateful, as this time last year, it was nothing but hand, and mine at that. I should be glad she lets me touch her at all. I do enjoy that very much. But it's like, if I ask her to rub my neck or scratch my back, she does it for 10 seconds then spaces out and continues what she was doing. We were having sex for the second time the other night, and I ran out of steam, and asked her to finish me off, and she told me "No, that would take too long", as though I hadn't used all my energy on her for longer than it would take for me to finish. That's confusing. To make it clear; I was tired because I pleasured her all through my refractory period(the time it takes to 'reload', as it were).

That ties into a previous thought of mine; perhaps I am too generous in bed with her. What I mean is, she ends up very satisfied and tired well before I do, so I often end up unsatisfied, as it's sad to satisfy myself at the point, and frankly, not that satisfying. So what am I to do then, withhold myself from her? Refuse to do things until she does the equivalent? That could leave me feeling even worse, sort of like now, where I feel like I can't touch her, and she can touch me, but usually does so only fleetingly.

I just spoke with her on my break. It made me a little sad to talk with her. We're going to Bathurst for Thanksgiving this weekend. We may have a good time, but I'm not getting my hopes up. Often, we end up stranded with nothing to smoke and nothing to do and no way to get anywhere. Also, she said see you tomorrow, like she assumes I'm not going to visit her later. Why wouldn't I, unless she doesn't want me to? Now I'm being paranoid(hopefully anyway). I did say something like "See you tomorrow" when she left for work. But I meant like, after midnight, because I work until at least 1am, not because I wouldn't see her until tomorrow morning when she gets off work. Actually, she said "See you in the morning", not "See you tomorrow", I think the distinction is important now.

I'm rambling again, but what else is new. I'm quite erratic lately, up one minute, down the next. I feel a little scattered, a little frustrated, a little exposed. Over tired maybe, makes sense I guess. I feel a bit like I'm at my wit's end. I feel guilty about writing this stuff, especially the intimate details of our sex life, but I don't really have another outlet. I could have written this on paper I suppose, but then the might find it, read it, and be offended or feel bad or something. She knows I have a blog, and I have sent her links before I think, but she doesn't check it. She gives me my space...

I've been updating this post now for almost four hours. I started it hours before that, until the computer overheated and 'passed out' on me. I've come full circle, the catharsis achieved. It is this space that allows me to vent and externalize and self-analyze. Is this the 'space' she wants? It seems so simple now, why did I freak out earlier? All she wanted was some time alone to organize her thoughts and such. She was probably too mentally congested to articulate that. Or I'm too inattentive to have understood before now. Either way, I feel a little better now. Damn google had led me to believe Michelle was essentially done with me and that she needed space to make an escape or something, not that I'm trying to 'trap' her or anything.

Well, this seems like a good place to stop posting, and go back to my regular internet browsing.
May random find you well.
-agent_of_truth
10:30PM

Insecure rant

So I'm feeling a little down as of late. M'lady and I have been on vacation for over a week now, and basically, besides my family, we've been visiting only with her friends. The stag/doe party for our friends' wedding had some mutual friends and friends of mine, which was ok I guess. My main friend there lives in the same town as me and was supposed to call me to go do something twice in the last few months but never did. So yeah, I got to talk about that with him. Another friend, one I didn't know too well, wanted to smoke weed with us. I was surprised, and indicated as much, and he said the last time he saw me I smoked with him and tried to get him to try cocaine. I was like shit, that's true, I remember that now. Don't I look like a junkie.

But in the last week of our 'vacation', we've had less sex, or at most about the same, as we would at home with both of us working. Am I alone in thinking a vacation should feature more sex?

And we're over spending. I figured we would when she said she didn't want to leave all the rent at home, just half. Now we've got to borrow money from my parents, because hers won't lend us money, to cover our rent, as well as Michelle's makeup for the wedding and hair dye for her et cetera. Basically, this week has been all about her, and I'm too tired to even masturbate. I can't wait to go home tomorrow and sleep in my own bed.

But even then, I worry that I just want more sex than her. Is it my fault? Do I get her off too thoroughly, and then she's good for days, meanwhile, I'm ready for round two later that day? Do I just stop 'giving' when I'm not 'receiving'? That seems kind of mean and petty. Who knows, maybe if she was as horny as me, I couldn't keep up, and she'd need many men to satisfy her. That would suck. I guess I'm better off this way.

Still, it's like, when I'm getting cranky and sad and fed up and pissy that she seems interested. Like, what the hell, how is that appealing? Wouldn't you like me more when I'm happy and confident and full of energy? If you wait until I'm sleeping all day and I don't want to eat and I don't care, then how much can be expected of me? I don't even know what I'm talking about, I'm still too new to this whole 'having regular sex' thing.

I've been having weird dreams lately too. I dreamt that I was driving my parents truck and sort of nodding off at the wheel, and I drifted off the road just in time to hit the start of the railing for a bridge. I woke up or switched dreams quickly, so I don't know what happened. But, I sort of felt like a dick, because it seemed that the passenger, who I assumed was Michelle, may have taken a pretty hard hit.

I had another dream where I was urinating at some party, when a group of girls all rushed in to check out my penis. They seemed somewhat impressed, and I indicated the should touch it if they want to see it full-size. The dream then switched to me apologizing, and Michelle seeming ok with it, after all, they had rushed in on me with my pants down, possibly after her bragging me up even, which was cool.

And last night or this morning, I had a dream where this old friend of mine was hanging out with me and was very talkative but perhaps a little too close for comfort. I suspected he might be gay, but I don't believe he is in real life. Anyway, he seemed all in my face, but still was providing useful information about the girl I was with, who, in this dream, wasn't Michelle. It was actually a friend of mine's girlfriend(fiancee?). It seemed she had mislead me with regard to her whereabouts and activities recently.

These dreams seemed to unsettle me. Perhaps they are a reflection of my 'vacation' week and the thoughts lurking in my head. Perhaps they are random firings of the brain too. I don't know, I'm going to stick it out though, heading home tomorrow after all. Hopefully, I'll have a better idea what's going on soon.

May random find you well.
-M

Edit;
A few hours later now, feeling better. Spoke with Michelle, smoked some yetis, cleaned up a bit, packed some of our things, got my drive situation figured out and spoke with the landlord. The reception is BYOB, and we're pretty strapped for cash, but we might be able to pull something off. Maybe there'll be a bunch of jell-o shooters again, we could hit those pretty hard. More positive now anyway, just wanted to vent earlier I guess. Looking forward to seeing the lady in a dress, as that doesn't happen often. I've been instructed to get pictures. Maybe we'll find a way to get a case of beer too, so we don't have to mooch too much.

Have a good one,
\m/

Ranting about my past

Tomorrow, or technically later today, I go pay the college to hold my seat for the pharmacy tech course I've signed up for this fall. Tonight, I revisit the past, try and make sense of it, see if time and distance have given me better perspective. Nope.

My friends are in a band. They aren't doing well enough to quit their day jobs yet, but still, there is potential there. The main problem, in my opinion, is the singer. Now, the singer and I used to hang out all the time, we were the drug equivalent of drinking buddies, buzzing buddies I guess. But shit got weird. He'd make comments like "You know, if two guys fuck a girl, one in the vaj and one in the ass, they can feel each others dicks inside her. Oh, my girlfriend is coming up this weekend, we should all three of us get drunk together". Ok, maybe that's not a direct quote, there might have been a few lines of conversation in between, but still. He lived like a 5 minute walk away, and would stay all fucking night. I would say "I'm heading to bed now" and he would say "Ok", and just stay there on the couch watching TV or watching my little brother play video games. It's like, get the hint buddy, TIME TO GO HOME!

There were other incidents, but I figured, hey, I was really high, maybe I missed something, or misunderstood. So I let things slide. But, he kept making me nervous and uncomfortable, to the point where I could not stand hanging out with him. I was worried I would pass out and wake up with a sore ass, or a dude in my bed.

And some of the music he listened to was pretty depressing. Freaked me out somewhat. And he wrote pretty unusual stuff, even before he was asked to join the band. But, whenever I mentioned it to someone that knew him, they would say; "That's just crazy (he)'s alright, he's a good guy", so I figured, maybe it's me. Maybe I'm gaying up this whole situation. I was pretty sexually deprived at the time. I figured, maybe that's how gay people get gay, they get all desperate, and just hit on their friends, and then get used to that. I mean, people get used to constant pain and artificial eyes and walking with only one leg after a lifetime of bipedal existence, maybe one could get used to ass-expansion, even learn to enjoy it.

But, of course, this is not the case. Well, I guess it might be in prison...

Anyway, I stopped doing PCP, regained some mental clarity, and told him to take a hike. It was hard, like breaking up(I assume, not much relationship experience, adding to the gay-anoia), but it was a relief too. At first, I was a little concerned that he might try to kill me, being that I lived so close, and he had almost nothing on the horizon. But, he eventually moved out of his parents' house, and to a different city, much to my relief. No more listening for intruders and such, I could once again sleep easy.

But still, our mutual friends have not noticed any unusual behaviour in this fellow. Am I too pretty, like a lady? He wouldn't be the first guy that was attracted to me, maybe I'm too girly, and I make otherwise straight guys into butt-pirates. I don't know though, I mean, I know I like women, no trouble there, but what's the deal? Are my friends all into circle-jerking and much closer with each other because of it? Am I missing out because I don't partake? Or is it really just that the fellow is good at hiding, or was I the only guy that interested him? Or was it all a big misunderstanding on my part? That's the hardest to believe.

I convinced myself once I must be mistaken and that it was just the acid messing with my head, but then, a while later, I found myself in a familiarly uncomfortable situation. I remember thinking something like; "Oh yeah, I remember now. Don't forget this time. Don't trust (him).".

So, where am I now? Better off, that's for sure. But was I right to just cut him out of my life? I miss hanging out with our mutual friends, his bandmates. I have hung out with them without him, and that's alright. One of their roommates though is like the singer's best friend, and similarly freaky. He's the other dude that was attracted to me. So, hanging out there is hard too. I guess I just miss my friends, and I'm not sure what happened.

I'm reminded of a quote "Friends are those that know the worst things about us, and refuse to believe them". Am I a bad friend then? Because I don't refuse to believe the worst things, I rather bare them in mind, and warn others to watch out for these bad traits? Like, if your friend is a klepto, do you ignore it, or lock up your valuables when they're on their way over? If your friend is a predator, do you ignore it, get pass-out drunk, and wake up with your pants on inside out? I don't rightly know, but I know what I did. I tried to convince myself it wasn't the case, but it got to me. I confronted him one time, asked him if he was molested or what, what is the deal. Unfortunately, I blacked out the rest of the conversation. I was still using pcp at the time, possibly some other drugs, as we were at a music festival. What a long drive home that was.

Maybe I'm just a prude.

Anyway, I brought all this up, because I thought I wanted to discuss the band, and how I wish they had asked me to be the singer. Not even that I'm an excellent singer, but this other guy is so full of himself, and he writes mostly gibberish rhymes, and he's sort of a dick. I think I could do a better job. Maybe not, but I would have given it a go. I miss jamming. Fuck, this guy I can't stand anymore and myself, we used to harmonize pretty well too. I think I have a pretty good ear though, not perfect pitch or anything, but I can hear when I'm hitting the right notes. So I imagine I can do that with others as well. I just don't play music that much anymore, and when I do, I'm alone.

I feel now like I'm full of shit, and quite tired. I hope that random finds us all well. See you in the future. Good luck. \m/

stream of thort

I sometimes feel like the guy lying down in the street in this video.

***

There was a line in Fear & Loathing, which was on last night, that struck me.

"A drug person can learn to cope with things like their dead grandmother crawling up their leg with a knife in her teeth"(not sure if it is an exact quote)

This made me realize hey; my crazy drug experiences are basically run of the mill, and pale in comparison to some heavy users' trips.

A fellow called me about doing some ecstasy yesterday. I told him I wasn't interested. I was quite proud of myself. I do like the beans from time to time, but it wasn't a good night. I want to be in good spirits for my 'date' next week. Don't want to risk dopamine depletion.

Looks good so far.

Haven't written anything hard copy yet. I've been busy. Holidays and all. Also nervous. Am I going to get too drunk? Talk too much? Premajack? Find her suddenly unattractive? Black out?

In the Templar, Arizona comic, there are these copy-books that float around town in cabs and waiting rooms and stuff. They are basically self-published magazines that people leave around town. I had thought of something similar a few years ago, but never bothered to assemble a copy. Perhaps now is a better time to look into this.

She got me something for Christmas. I hope it isn't mushrooms. They scare me. I mean, I'd like to have some for a rainy day, but I'd feel obligated to consume them immediately with her if she gave them to me. If I were to bad trip, well, it probably wouldn't be much fun. Not as much as it could be.

But then again, it could be really good. Feeling an emotional and almost psychic connection with my environment, and melding with another member of that environment. It could be really mind blowing, I suppose.

My luck though, she'd have to keep me from running out into the cold winter night and dying of exposure. *Sigh*. Not to mention the fact that I have very little money to even try and scrape together a gift for her. I'm thinking some green dragon, and maybe she'll accept sexual attention as a gift. If I can muster it. Heh heh. Ok, I've got the confidence boost of alcohol to aid me now.

She made sure that she is getting something we both like to drink, so I can rest easy that there will be something, but my biggest problem has always been initiating. Since I was too young to be interested in sex, I've been told things like no means no and you will go to jail and be raped yourself if you sleep with a drunk girl who later is unable to remember herself consenting and sexual transmitted diseases will kill you and having a child is a gigantic burden. Now, I'm nervous about having sex. I've almost always been way drunk when I've made sexual advances, successful or not. I've had more success drunk though, that much I can say. I suppose, we do sort of use too much innuendo and double-speak, at least in our youth, with regard to sex. Sometimes when I'm sober, I'll second guess myself into a corner, and just try and go home alone to not offend anyone. When I'm drunk, I'm more likely to flirt and build rapport and such. I still have a hard time closing the deal. Making physical contact. Demonstrating interest.

Is this just fear of rejection?

I worry too much.

I like the relationship in music between the notes. With guitar, I think of this as a fret-difference. A two or three fret difference, three frets higher and two frets lower(from a starting note) offer many different combinations. Slides between them, strum frequency, tap speed, et cetera. It's odd, like the shapes I find myself drawing when I do draw. I instinctively round out the edges, try and make smooth curves. I sometimes end up with shapes that turn up under microscopes, which is somewhat interesting. Coincidence?

I really enjoy the music of the band tool. It is hard to get into, especially if none of your friends like it (I imagine). But it pays off. It is dense music. Not just the instruments and the lyrics, but the relationships. The forethought in their construction of songs, their attention to detail, their terrific live shows, their humorous and cryptic interviews, all these things make tool the band that they are.

There is much to be said about tool, but now is not the time. Check out youtube for some awesome live clips.

I've run out of things to say better kept to myself, so I best end this post. May random find you well. I'll see you in the future. \m/