I sometimes feel like the guy lying down in the street in this video.
***
There was a line in Fear & Loathing, which was on last night, that struck me.
"A drug person can learn to cope with things like their dead grandmother crawling up their leg with a knife in her teeth"(not sure if it is an exact quote)
This made me realize hey; my crazy drug experiences are basically run of the mill, and pale in comparison to some heavy users' trips.
A fellow called me about doing some ecstasy yesterday. I told him I wasn't interested. I was quite proud of myself. I do like the beans from time to time, but it wasn't a good night. I want to be in good spirits for my 'date' next week. Don't want to risk dopamine depletion.
Looks good so far.
Haven't written anything hard copy yet. I've been busy. Holidays and all. Also nervous. Am I going to get too drunk? Talk too much? Premajack? Find her suddenly unattractive? Black out?
In the Templar, Arizona comic, there are these copy-books that float around town in cabs and waiting rooms and stuff. They are basically self-published magazines that people leave around town. I had thought of something similar a few years ago, but never bothered to assemble a copy. Perhaps now is a better time to look into this.
She got me something for Christmas. I hope it isn't mushrooms. They scare me. I mean, I'd like to have some for a rainy day, but I'd feel obligated to consume them immediately with her if she gave them to me. If I were to bad trip, well, it probably wouldn't be much fun. Not as much as it could be.
But then again, it could be really good. Feeling an emotional and almost psychic connection with my environment, and melding with another member of that environment. It could be really mind blowing, I suppose.
My luck though, she'd have to keep me from running out into the cold winter night and dying of exposure. *Sigh*. Not to mention the fact that I have very little money to even try and scrape together a gift for her. I'm thinking some green dragon, and maybe she'll accept sexual attention as a gift. If I can muster it. Heh heh. Ok, I've got the confidence boost of alcohol to aid me now.
She made sure that she is getting something we both like to drink, so I can rest easy that there will be something, but my biggest problem has always been initiating. Since I was too young to be interested in sex, I've been told things like no means no and you will go to jail and be raped yourself if you sleep with a drunk girl who later is unable to remember herself consenting and sexual transmitted diseases will kill you and having a child is a gigantic burden. Now, I'm nervous about having sex. I've almost always been way drunk when I've made sexual advances, successful or not. I've had more success drunk though, that much I can say. I suppose, we do sort of use too much innuendo and double-speak, at least in our youth, with regard to sex. Sometimes when I'm sober, I'll second guess myself into a corner, and just try and go home alone to not offend anyone. When I'm drunk, I'm more likely to flirt and build rapport and such. I still have a hard time closing the deal. Making physical contact. Demonstrating interest.
Is this just fear of rejection?
I worry too much.
I like the relationship in music between the notes. With guitar, I think of this as a fret-difference. A two or three fret difference, three frets higher and two frets lower(from a starting note) offer many different combinations. Slides between them, strum frequency, tap speed, et cetera. It's odd, like the shapes I find myself drawing when I do draw. I instinctively round out the edges, try and make smooth curves. I sometimes end up with shapes that turn up under microscopes, which is somewhat interesting. Coincidence?
I really enjoy the music of the band tool. It is hard to get into, especially if none of your friends like it (I imagine). But it pays off. It is dense music. Not just the instruments and the lyrics, but the relationships. The forethought in their construction of songs, their attention to detail, their terrific live shows, their humorous and cryptic interviews, all these things make tool the band that they are.
There is much to be said about tool, but now is not the time. Check out youtube for some awesome live clips.
I've run out of things to say better kept to myself, so I best end this post. May random find you well. I'll see you in the future. \m/
Eagles of Death Metal. Not drunk enough yet. Only on number two. 11:03pm
It's now 11:36pm. Just poured number four.
Oh my GOD! It's a MIRAGE! I'm tellin Y'ALL it's SABOTAGE!
Fuck, it feels like I never listen to music anymore. Well, I do when I'm drinking, which is still more often than some people listen to music. But it seems like I used to always have music going. In the car, between classes, at work, walking, anywhere, anytime. Always listening to something. Seems nowadays I'm more interested in my own thoughts than listening to music. Not that the two necessarily conflict, but sometimes it can be hard to think if a sound is bothering you. Distracting you I should(and did) say. I've mentioned many times now my affections for CBC radio. But keep that on the DL eh? I read books too, while we're talking about things that can paradoxically handicap you. You know what I mean, how in some circles, people wear ignorance like a badge. The most ignorant fuck of them all is usually the one talking. Perhaps this is a personal and not universal observation. But where I come from, you best hide your smarts. I right laughed out loud at that. See last post for further insight.
Started reading a new web comic today, or maybe yesterday. Yeah, yesterday. It's called Templar, Arizona. It's pretty interesting. I'm not all the way caught up yet, you're going to want to start from the start if you take a look at it. I was notified of a shirt with a picture of a bottle of pills in the middle, with "science will save me from myself" written around it in a circle. The shirt is somehow related to the comic, and as I liked the shirt, I decided to give it a read. I might be hooked. Add this to my favourites with Basic Instructions (Scott Meyer) and Buttercup Festival (David Troupes). I think Spike, the person responsible for Templar, Arizona is a fan of the band Clutch. The second volume of the series is called Mob Goes Wild, which is a Clutch song from the album Blast Tyrant. Good song. Good band. They get my seal of approval.
Note; do not open two years worth of web comics without restarting your computer. This is especially true is you are using a computer that is over a year old. It's gonna crash any second I think. Luckily, blogger will bail me out. 12:10am, now Saturday technically, just mixed number five.
I love that sweet Tennessee.
12:29am, closing Internet Explorer, I can't take this slowness. Videos on youtube look like slide-shows.
12:55am, I'm back. I watched a long video though, the Angry Video Game Nerd's Mario 3 video. It also talks about the movie the wizard, and features super mecha death Christ 2000 BC version 4.0 BETA. It's funny if you owned an NES and Mario 3 when they were new. Maybe even if you didn't.
My mom worked until midnight tonight. When she got home, she made me guess who she had a smoke with. It was an old friend of mine from high school. I really enjoyed her company, but I don't think we spent much time alone together. There was a few times when we were close, story of my life, but nothing came of it. She wrote something on the grad picture she gave me that more-or-less said I was the smartest guy in school. I was surprised. Not because I thought it was untrue, but that she was able to see it. There was this other guy, one of my good friends, who has fucked me over many-a-time, he was the president of the student council. He was probably regarded as the smartest amongst us publicly, but we were on the same page for most things. I distinctly remember helping him understand especially abstract concepts. We had a good mushroom buzz together one time where we rehashed the last few years(at the time). It was a good entertaining buzz, and we connected on some level, but over time of course, it faded. That's the thing with drugs; sometimes they work, sometimes they don't. This in itself is a very complicated concept, especially within my context. Like, mushrooms may work, and give you a buzz, but that doesn't necessarily mean you'll grow as a person from it. Or maybe it does. It's all relative I guess. We all measure progress and success in different ways. Hell, if I post something here, I consider it a productive act. I don't know if I'm really contributing much. I know I have one reader(shout-out to theloadingdock ), but do I weigh on her mind like a burden? I hope not. I know she occasionally derives insight from my writings, which is good, but more often expresses concern at my state of being. Is this a reflection on me or her? Ok, it's now 1:14, and I am feeling fairly inebriated. So, take a grain of salt now with what I say.
But I don't rightly know what I want from this blog. A revenue stream would be nice, but if I had a large audience, I'd probably freeze up. Like I did at dosenation.com. I posted a few articles, but once I started to get some serious comments and feedback, I froze up. Not because the comments we're negative, but because I wasn't sure I should be influencing these people. Now, here's where theloadingdock tells me I'm a good person, but she doesn't know me. Not that I'm a horrible person, but I take a fair amount of drugs, I've done things I feel bad about, and my future seems bleak. I've not given up, but I get jostled all the time. My dad shit on me the other day about not finishing university and choosing classes that start later in the day. I had a few days a week where I started at 3:30pm, so I could sleep in, and I said I had planned it that way. And he said something like; "Yeah, well, maybe that's why you're living at home with your parents working four hour shifts that are getting cancelled all the time..." basically that's it. I didn't really say much about it, as it wasn't entirely unprovoked, but I did go out and buy a bottle of booze. That seems to be my thing, I won't say anything, at least not if you're providing me free room and board, but you'll know I'm not happy. I hardly spoke to him at all until I was drunk. He's a recovering alcoholic by the way.
Why do I do this? Maybe my actions hurt as much as his words. Though, my actions are more drawn out and take longer to process. Does that make me cruel? Well, who made me what I am? Ok, I'm getting too deep into my own head now. Time for a commercial.
Fuck, don't those eHarmony commercials bum you out? Me too.
I was talking to my brother today. He's at college for the first time this fall, and he's having a rough go of it apparently. I've asked him about it many times, but this is the first he's mentioned of it being rough. It might be overshadowing my thoughts.
I hope he sticks it out, or switches to something he likes and get a degree in that. I understand his frustration though. I paid thousands of dollars to go to school when I was learning more at home on wikipedia and google and using the university's access to paid articles. I bought text books for classes I wasn't taking because I wanted to read them. That's how I roll. I come to class and listen, to try and learn. I never understood the people that came to class and played poker on their laptops.
Admittedly, I was somewhat shy and not fond of asking questions. Perhaps if I returned, I would be more confident, just being older than most of my classmates. I fell prey to the temptation to drink too much last time I went to school. Also, my classes were so varied; philosophy, calculus, astronomy and Latin. No wonder I stopped going to class.
I probably want to write. I do like the cbc, and radio offers a similar opportunity to communicate with language. And working at call centers, more than once I have been told I have a good voice and should look at radio or voice acting or something. I usually don't take too much stock in it, but it's happened a few times now, I'm starting to think they might be right.
Revisit the problem mentioned before; should I be influencing people? My experience in life has certainly not been typical, then are my insights not useful to typical people? Like, most people don't need to know how to deal with an existential crisis. Oh my god, the world is an illusion, I don't exist, there's no good and bad, choice is an illusion, et cetera.
For me, this comes in handy. It's usually just a matter of breathing deep and riding out the weirdness. I'm all over the place tonight. Contradicting myself, talking like a fool, talking too much. My instincts are telling me to end the post and go play some Call of Duty. But what do they know.
I think it would be funny as hell to see someone walking all psychotic, maybe dancing slightly, while the chicken dance is playing. Picture it now. Eyes narrowed, head barely moving, slight jerks in the arms and legs. Never moving the eyes. Smiling like a lunatic. What, is that funny? Or fucked up?
Seems I'm moving backwards.
The comic; Templar, Arizona. The main dude, Ben Kowalski, he has this encounter that sort of wakes him up. A terrorist/protester ends up stuck outside the window of his apartment. He ends up letting the guy in, and the guy pretty much leaves right away. But Ben comes away with a sense of confidence; he could have been killed by this outlaw, but no harm came to him. He faced a challenge independent of his family, and persevered.
I think I could use a good confidence boost. I don't know what would do it. I suppose, if I, like Ben in the comic, became a professional writer, like, to pay the bills, I would probably enjoy that. Even in the comic, Ben doesn't have a degree in journalism. I think he hasn't even graduated from high school. He takes pills to manage some sort of mental disorder(I think). He doesn't get out much. He's a lot like me. I don't take pills for any diagnosed mental disorders, but I do have problems with insomnia sometimes, and occasionally resort to pills. Usually Benadryl, but sometimes, if I have access to prescriptions medications, I'll go with benzos.
Prescription medication; at least you know what you're getting.
2:16 am, I'm on drink number 6 or 7 or 8, I don't really know. I drank at least a third of a quart. Or, a 750 ml bottle. I think that's a quart. Crazy Americans. Though I will give you this; height and weight are more descriptive in your system. Of people anyway. For small weights(IE; grams) metric is preferred.
I'm sort of running out of steam here. Not too much else to say right now. I hope I didn't offend my reader by anticipating her response. May random find you well. \m/ (2:22AM)
