Record of bupropion first use

11:15PM;
I just took half of an extended release Wellbutrin. Half of 150mg is 75mg. This is my first experience with this drug, and as such, I am keeping it low and slow. Low doses, slow increases. I probably won't consider taking the other half until at least 1AM. This drug, used for smoking cessation, anti-depression and off-label for ADD/ADHD, is supposed to have stimulant like effects. Also, it is supposed to make cigarettes less enjoyable. I better go smoke one now.

11:30PM;
Felt I should mention I drank two coffees in the last two hours and am having a tea now. I'm out of coffee, that's why I switched to tea. I'm a little nervous and excited, sort of like trying a new food, except there's a chance the food might give you a seizure. Wellbutrin lowers the seizure threshold, making it easier for your brain to fall into a feedback loop. I have some antihistamines(lortadine) and some Seroquel to bring me down should I feel the need. I'm going to go watch some Samurai Jack while I wait for the drug to take effect.

12:00AM;
Vision seems clearer, sharper perhaps. Am I more focused? Bit of a headache, but that's been around for a few days now. Took an ibuprofen. Not too concerned with the possibility of a seizure now. Feeling a little drowsy, like I could lay down and sleep. Best not test that though, as I would like to visit with Michelle before I sleep. I will try and roll up another smoke to see if it is unsatisfying, as indicated in the literature for Wellbutrin.

12:20AM;
My head feels a little thick now, almost like it's full of water. I'm still quite focused and my vision is sharp. My eyes aren't noticeably dilated or constricted.

12:36AM;
Just spoke with Michelle, she gave me a call. Going to visit her at work in a few minutes. Feeling pretty good. I experienced some abdominal discomfort earlier, but they may have been the coffee, tea and ibuprofen as well. Michelle did not comment that I sounded inebriated or anything. I am going to bring my travel cup to get a coffee from her when I go. I will likely take the rest of the Wellbutrin when I get home. Should be around 1:30AM, maybe 2:00AM.

1:45AM;
Got back from my visit with Michelle. Feeling good. Took the second half moments ago. It was slightly smaller than the first, maybe 80mg and 70mg instead of 75 each. I may end up breaking another pill apart to try it via insufflation. I was pacing around a bit when I went to see her, as she pointed out when I mentioned eating the half pill earlier. Cigarettes do not seem to be greatly diminished, although I understand the dosage may be higher for the nicotine blocking effect to occur. I don't think I will require any come-down pills, but truly it is too early to tell. I found myself punding a bit, looking too hard for cigarette butts to get their tobacco. Definite dopamine activity. Ten minutes after eating the second half of the pill now, my stomach feels a little full, possibly due to the coffee or peanut butter cookie I consumed beforehand. Haven't been grinding my teeth, but I was chewing gum quite vigorously earlier. 2:00AM now, going to watch some more Samurai Jack, and maybe listen to some music, or maybe even play some. Not too loud though, it is 2AM after all.

3:00AM;
I haven't read or watched any Samurai Jack. I've been watching Jon Lajoie videos, and thinking about checking out his live show next month when he comes to town. Still feel pretty good, pretty alert. My stomach feels better too.

3:10am;
Just insufflated a quarter pill. Burns somewhat, not as much as amitriptyline, but more than say, serax or ritalin. Another quarter remains all busted up beside me. I may just eat it. Ok, I just ate it, and let me tell you, pretty gross. Keep that shit pretty much intact I'd say. That was the first line I've had in at least 8 months, it was before Christmas the last time I sniffed anything. I don't see it becoming a habit again. Too burny. My mouth is quite numb, interesting to note. So, after this last half, I should be up around 225mg. Hopefully, I won't have a seizure or anything too crazy. I'm going to have a cigarette to see if it has a diminished quality about it. First I need a candy though, this tastes horrible.

3:25AM;
Cigarettes seem to be pretty tasty still. My mind feels like it's gone quiet. I read somewhere that you don't think much on Wellbutrin, just absorb information. I think I know what they mean now. Even now, as I type this out, it seems to only occur as I type it, not in my head beforehand. It is a little strange. I'm going to try and relax a bit, possibly give Michelle a call, see what she's up to. Maybe I will go outside, get some fresh air.

5:13AM;
Ok, so, no seizures, and I've been basically reading online for hours. I spoke with Michelle, but we were both pretty distracted, so not much was said. I went outside, nothing special going on there. Music is good, but right now, I'm finding myself easily reading for long periods of time, that seems to be my main interest. I will likely still be up to go get Michelle at 7:00AM when she's done work. I don't know if I'll take a lortadine later yet. I guess basically, the experiment was a success. I now have some idea what to expect from this drug. I will update in the coming days if anything else worthy of note occurs to me.

In the meantime; may random find you well.
\m/

UPDATE;
I found myself quite silent throughout the night, and somewhat short. I was upset fairly easily, although I basically just stopped talking what little I was. The drug may lead to some irritability, but that could just be lack of sleep and money. May use again in future, not highly recreational.

7:22PM the following day,
Feeling a little down, but hard to say if that's the drug or my day. Not planning to do much tonight, bake some cookies, visit Michelle at work, maybe call the folks, and sit around and relax.
No seizure activity, that's cool. No cigarettes though, that's not. Ahh well, payday tomorrow.
\m/

Ranting about my past

Tomorrow, or technically later today, I go pay the college to hold my seat for the pharmacy tech course I've signed up for this fall. Tonight, I revisit the past, try and make sense of it, see if time and distance have given me better perspective. Nope.

My friends are in a band. They aren't doing well enough to quit their day jobs yet, but still, there is potential there. The main problem, in my opinion, is the singer. Now, the singer and I used to hang out all the time, we were the drug equivalent of drinking buddies, buzzing buddies I guess. But shit got weird. He'd make comments like "You know, if two guys fuck a girl, one in the vaj and one in the ass, they can feel each others dicks inside her. Oh, my girlfriend is coming up this weekend, we should all three of us get drunk together". Ok, maybe that's not a direct quote, there might have been a few lines of conversation in between, but still. He lived like a 5 minute walk away, and would stay all fucking night. I would say "I'm heading to bed now" and he would say "Ok", and just stay there on the couch watching TV or watching my little brother play video games. It's like, get the hint buddy, TIME TO GO HOME!

There were other incidents, but I figured, hey, I was really high, maybe I missed something, or misunderstood. So I let things slide. But, he kept making me nervous and uncomfortable, to the point where I could not stand hanging out with him. I was worried I would pass out and wake up with a sore ass, or a dude in my bed.

And some of the music he listened to was pretty depressing. Freaked me out somewhat. And he wrote pretty unusual stuff, even before he was asked to join the band. But, whenever I mentioned it to someone that knew him, they would say; "That's just crazy (he)'s alright, he's a good guy", so I figured, maybe it's me. Maybe I'm gaying up this whole situation. I was pretty sexually deprived at the time. I figured, maybe that's how gay people get gay, they get all desperate, and just hit on their friends, and then get used to that. I mean, people get used to constant pain and artificial eyes and walking with only one leg after a lifetime of bipedal existence, maybe one could get used to ass-expansion, even learn to enjoy it.

But, of course, this is not the case. Well, I guess it might be in prison...

Anyway, I stopped doing PCP, regained some mental clarity, and told him to take a hike. It was hard, like breaking up(I assume, not much relationship experience, adding to the gay-anoia), but it was a relief too. At first, I was a little concerned that he might try to kill me, being that I lived so close, and he had almost nothing on the horizon. But, he eventually moved out of his parents' house, and to a different city, much to my relief. No more listening for intruders and such, I could once again sleep easy.

But still, our mutual friends have not noticed any unusual behaviour in this fellow. Am I too pretty, like a lady? He wouldn't be the first guy that was attracted to me, maybe I'm too girly, and I make otherwise straight guys into butt-pirates. I don't know though, I mean, I know I like women, no trouble there, but what's the deal? Are my friends all into circle-jerking and much closer with each other because of it? Am I missing out because I don't partake? Or is it really just that the fellow is good at hiding, or was I the only guy that interested him? Or was it all a big misunderstanding on my part? That's the hardest to believe.

I convinced myself once I must be mistaken and that it was just the acid messing with my head, but then, a while later, I found myself in a familiarly uncomfortable situation. I remember thinking something like; "Oh yeah, I remember now. Don't forget this time. Don't trust (him).".

So, where am I now? Better off, that's for sure. But was I right to just cut him out of my life? I miss hanging out with our mutual friends, his bandmates. I have hung out with them without him, and that's alright. One of their roommates though is like the singer's best friend, and similarly freaky. He's the other dude that was attracted to me. So, hanging out there is hard too. I guess I just miss my friends, and I'm not sure what happened.

I'm reminded of a quote "Friends are those that know the worst things about us, and refuse to believe them". Am I a bad friend then? Because I don't refuse to believe the worst things, I rather bare them in mind, and warn others to watch out for these bad traits? Like, if your friend is a klepto, do you ignore it, or lock up your valuables when they're on their way over? If your friend is a predator, do you ignore it, get pass-out drunk, and wake up with your pants on inside out? I don't rightly know, but I know what I did. I tried to convince myself it wasn't the case, but it got to me. I confronted him one time, asked him if he was molested or what, what is the deal. Unfortunately, I blacked out the rest of the conversation. I was still using pcp at the time, possibly some other drugs, as we were at a music festival. What a long drive home that was.

Maybe I'm just a prude.

Anyway, I brought all this up, because I thought I wanted to discuss the band, and how I wish they had asked me to be the singer. Not even that I'm an excellent singer, but this other guy is so full of himself, and he writes mostly gibberish rhymes, and he's sort of a dick. I think I could do a better job. Maybe not, but I would have given it a go. I miss jamming. Fuck, this guy I can't stand anymore and myself, we used to harmonize pretty well too. I think I have a pretty good ear though, not perfect pitch or anything, but I can hear when I'm hitting the right notes. So I imagine I can do that with others as well. I just don't play music that much anymore, and when I do, I'm alone.

I feel now like I'm full of shit, and quite tired. I hope that random finds us all well. See you in the future. Good luck. \m/

It's been a little while now since I've posted anything.
Hasn't been a whole lot to report. Family stuff. Went to a baptism.

But now, I've applied for a Pharmacy Tech course this fall. I mean, I already know most of the stuff I'll be taking first semester, and I'd be happy to learn more about prescriptions and pharmacology in general, so why not eh? I'll be reading about drugs for the rest of my life anyway, I might as well get a certificate to prove it. Plus; I'll get to wear a lab coat.

Not only that, but with the student loans, bursaries, and government incentives available, I may actually get paid to go to school. I may not even need a loan if EI picks up my books and half my tuition, as they supposedly do.

What really prompted this decision though, was not all this common sense stuff I just listed but the financial difficulties we are now facing. By we I mean me and m'lady. This commercial pretty much sums it up;




We can't afford both. Not without borrowing. I shoplifted some cheese yesterday, because I did not have enough for that and a package of store-brand hot dogs. I've been collecting sugar and ketchup packets at restaurants all week, again, because we could not afford to buy sugar and ketchup. This is not fun, and not something I am proud of.



My reserve tobacco bags, that we've been hand-rolling cigarettes from when we run out of tailor-mades, are almost empty. Less than ten cigarettes worth of tobacco remain on reserve. I don't want to have to scour the ground outside of bars for cigarette butts to re-roll at home again, it's been years since I've been that poor, but, I fear it may come that time again soon.



We decided we should take turns going back to school, and being that Michelle earns significantly more than me, and thus it would be easier to live on her wage alone than mine, I will be going to school first. After that, it will be her turn, as I will be making more money, and what's more, I'll be in a secure job sector. Health Care is not going anywhere anytime soon.



Of course, I realize that this poses a potential problem; what if we were to break-up? I would certainly feel obligated to support her through school, as she had/will for me. I do not anticipate that being a problem though, as I love her like crazy, and she too seems quite fond of me.

*** 15 Hours Later ***

I stopped mid-post yesterday because Michelle came home and was sitting beside me, and I prefer to 'blog' solo. I feel like a geek, but whatever, I am, so it's all good.

I had a dream last night, I came out to the kitchen, and there were only three or four slices of bread left from a loaf that I knew had been a full loaf when I last saw it. I think I may have been sleeping, but I didn't have to get dressed, so maybe napping(in my dream I mean) is more accurate. My Uncle Harry was there, I believe with someone else, perhaps a lady, I believe they were talking politely, with the radio playing quietly, and possibly it was sunny. I was at my parent's house, I could tell from the kitchen, but it seemed odd somehow. My Uncle seemed more spry than he actually is.

In the dream, I got upset with him a bit, not because he used so much bread, but because he had used my favourite, the end piece. There was one left, and when I started whining, he offered it to me, saying something like, "I was going to use it for a hamburger bun, but you can have it if you want". I realized immediately in my dream even, what a whiner I was, and told him to use it himself.

Yesterday, I had the opportunity to try some over-the-counter natural ADD supplements, mostly Omega-3 fish oil stuff, and I must say, I am quite impressed with the results. There was one point where I was deep in thought, and I could see somewhere else, like a really vivid daydream. I was sort of hot and cold, not unlike other cognitive enhancers. I wasn't grinding my teeth or anything, I just took the recommended dosage though. I wasn't too hungry at supper-time, but after a while my appetite came back.

I was surprised at how well my memory seemed to be working. It was a little overwhelming in fact, I went to lie down for a bit to try and relax. I told m'lady at one point that it felt like part of me that had been asleep was waking up. It seems a little corny or ridiculous now, but it seemed pretty accurate at the time. I took two yesterday, and I just took one now, I'm curious to see if it still has a noticeable effect. I was quite surprised at how much my mind seemed to be racing, considering these are specifically marketed to treat children, but I suppose, my mind my have been lagging as of late. I did sort of feel like a kid again. Weird.

Overall, I'm pretty optimistic. We're going to have some troubles paying rent, and I don't know what the landlord is going to think about that, but we will deal with that as it comes up. I should probably get to applying for student loans and provincial bursaries if I'm to get any. I will look into that later, as I should be finding out today if I was accepted into the course or not. My marks shouldn't be a problem, and I think I did well in the interview, so I'm not too worried about getting accepted. Wish me luck though.

I'll be back in the future, and may random find you well.
\m/

Stream of thought

So, it looks like I'll be moving soon. Saturday to be precise. I've got an appointment made to have an internet connection installed that night. I have work the next morning, that'll be my first shift at my new place of residence.

I'm pretty excited, and pretty nervous. It's been a while since I've lived with anyone that wasn't a member of my immediate family. And I've never lived with a significant other, or even really had one. I imagine I'll learn not only about her, but about myself as well. And I do enjoy learning after all.

Of course I realize, this could be bad. I could learn that I am incredibly hard to live with, or a neat freak, or too much of a dork for her. I could find her to be unbearably messy, or too demanding, or even too boring. These all seem quite unlikely really, and I'm not worried about them. I'm more worried about not being able to put in more hours at work, or it being loud around the apartment while I'm trying to work. Also, if we get mad at each other, I don't really know where I'm going to go to cool off. I'll figure it out though. We're usually pretty good at resolving stuff quickly, so hopefully it won't come up for a while.

I am concerned that my interest in drugs might be troublesome. For instance; I would like to make some poppy-seed tea, for the morphine and codeine contained within, but I don't want my girlfriend to be ashamed of or disappointed in me, and I also don't want her to right like it and get hooked or something, then it would be my fault, and I would be guilt-ridden. Perhaps I'd do well to stick with cannabis. Green Dragon is quite the fun concoction.

She does generally eat healthier than me, and I'm hoping some of that will rub off on me. I could certainly stand to benefit from that. Neither of us is very active right now, she likes the summer, I don't know why I've been sticking close to home recently. I guess I've got a lot on my mind, but really, all the more reason to stretch your legs. I might go take a walk tonight, visit the local watering hole one last time before I 'ship out'.

There's another thing; alcohol. How much is too much? I feel guilty even having my first drink now. It's almost midnight, there's no reason I should feel guilty, is there? I paid for this alcohol, I worked tonight, put in my full shift, even stayed late to make up for my break running long.

I feel like a broken record a bit, am I getting redundant? Well, at least I've got some major novelty coming into my life in the near future, should shake things up a bit, make me more interesting. Keep things fresh. Ok, now I'm a slogan generator.

May random find you well.

Stream of thought

I feel like my brain is half turned off with her. Like I just have this inarticulate pull to her now. I don't even have much to say it seems. Like, I don't want to talk too much and fuck things up.

I've already doubled my sexual experience points. I think if life were a game, I'd have leveled up. Mind you, I had few points, which is why I was able to so quickly double them.

She was nervous for a while. I asked if it was my shoes(size 13). She said what? I said, you know, what they say about guys with big feet, that's not true eh, it's just regular sized. She laughed, and said that wasn't why she was nervous, but it made her feel better anyway.

I find my every word scrutinized with her. And she certainly does not like it when I draw any similarities between her and my dog. Yeah I know, I immediately regretted it both times.

She's not to keen on a certain Colombian export, and whenever I bring it up in passing, she seems a little uncomfortable. I will try to curb this. She was talking with her friend while we were driving around, and she said she really wants to do some shrooms. This freaked me out, because she knows I am prone to bad-tripping. I don't know if she wants me to trip with her or not. I'm afraid that if we tripped and I freaked out, then I'd feel weird around her forever. It's happened with other people I knew longer than I've known her. Still feel uncomfortable around them.

She also talks about her friends and ex boyfriends. Sometimes the stuff she says scares me. Like this friend of hers, she said this one time, well, basically "One more beer, and he woulda raped me". I was like fuck, you need to choose some better friends. She was talking about this other guy that was like her bully, and like, she still hung out with him fairly regularly. I got flashes of her with him spending a lot of time alone.

I saw her grad picture at her parents house. I think one of my old friends may have dated her in high school. I didn't know her then, but I recognized the picture. This freaked me out too, as that friend is kind of a horn dog prone to misconduct. Fuck I feel sick just thinking about it.

I'm like, I know, you're not perfect Marc. But I certainly have a short list of sexual encounters, with none of her friends on it. Let it go. I think just typing it out might help ease my mind.

But she hangs out with a lot of guys. Some of them are shady characters. If anything ever happened to her, I'd feel so bad. I'm scared that she's putting herself at risk now more than I'm worried about her past. I don't want her to be as cynical as I can be, but a little healthy paranoia can save your life.

Oops, ok, maybe I made out with one of her friends a few years ago. But that was as far as it got. Well, I feel better now. Kinda articulated my thoughts a bit. Have a good one folks, I know I will,
-Marc

payday musings

Trying to stay out of trouble now.
Don't even look at the liquor store.
Go buy some video games, that should keep you busy.
Unlikely to hold my interest though, aren't they.

Should I drink a lot?
Am I fighting on the wrong side here?

Humankind has historically used alcohol. Over the years, would it not stand to reason that certain individuals might evolve a specialization related to alcohol? Perhaps, their own body down-regulates the dopamine levels in anticipation of alcohol's inclusion in the system. Perhaps for these individuals, sobriety is akin to starvation.

Perhaps just the opposite. Perhaps the use of alcohol overtime, adjusts the body's normal dopamine levels to the point where the body no longer requires alcohol to appear intoxicated.

Now, we extrapolate these ideas. Marijuana. Stimulants. Steroids. Antibiotics. Psychedelics. What if all of these change how we evolve? Is the human race about to branch off into different interest groups that evolve into different subspecies? Did somebody say 'Shadowrun'?

I used to think of this, perhaps in terms of a higher dimensional agreement. I imagine a spirit that represented humankind shaking hands with a spirit representing marijuana. We will continue to cultivate and protect marijuana, as long as it keeps producing those tasty cannabinoids. Over time, we are able to produce better and better strains of marijuana, while at the same time improving our own quality of life. Seems like a mutually beneficial relationship to me.

This may be a temporary development as well. Perhaps, the relationship becomes a dependence. Marijuana, extremely potent, but unable to survive in nature, as well as people, normally funny, laid back, and able to eat things that are normally unappetising, that are social cripples without a puff. Sound like anyone we know(are)? Nah, I'm like that even with a puff.

Time will tell, I imagine.

general anxiety

Still anxious, days later.
I want to grow, but I'm afraid to change.

I'm so used to being frightened and self-depreciating, that I don't know how to be confident. I'm not even sure that I want to.

Well, part of me certainly does. It's like I have to fight with myself. I don't know who to root for, either way I win and lose.

What am I so afraid of? Humiliating sexual encounter? Mostly. I'm afraid my lack of expertise will prove humiliating. I imagine quickly gathering my shit, and leaving. Although, I'd be in a different city, so where I'd go, I'm not sure.

The alternative; remaining shut-in, stay basically the same, don't grow, pick up more useless information, stay scared, gradually speak with fewer and fewer people until only my immediate family can tolerate my presence. Either that, or I'll develop a sudden cult-following, have money come in from google adsense, quit my day-job, and start my rocket-ride to the top. I doubt that would be as fun as it sounds. I'd probably still end up kicking myself about the girls that I let slip through my fingers.

I just can't seem to imagine myself not fucking this up. And I know, it's gotta be shitty for her to try and figure out what's up with me. I know I'm having a hard time with it, and I've known me years longer than she has.

Part of me knows; just go, try, the worst that can happen isn't that bad. I have nothing to lose but some time I'd probably waste anyway. Come on, keep it together. You know you want it.

Could my lack of confidence be drug related?

I'm tired of this speculation. Less talk, more action, that's what I need right now. Good luck.
\m/

a good night

So I woke up tired, that's always fun. The coffee barely did a thing.
I really only woke up after work was done.
In time to go to the liquor store, go for a coffee, and go listen to some CBC radio.
For you non-Canadians who made their way here, CBC is sort've like BBC, but Canadian, instead of British. It's radio with no commercials, lots of talk, audience call-ins, live interviews, news, political in-depth coverage, As It Happens with Barbara Budd and Carol Off is probably my favourite. I do like quirks and quarks, ideas, white coat black art, L.O.L., DNTO, Vinyl Tap(Oh man! If Randy read this, I'd be so pumped!), and even Q, though not always.

I sometimes would like to work at CBC radio, as I really enjoy the programming, and it's a government owned company(crown corporation we calls 'em), so, it shouldn't have too many shady practices. I always hated working for companies that asked me to do unethical things. Ugh, one time, when I was working at a restaurant, it is a large chain, I won't say it's name out of courtesy(and for fear of corporate MIB lawyers coming to do 'whatever it takes' to keep me quiet), but basically, they had anticipated a Mother's Day rush, which for some reason didn't happen. So, the excess stock we had in anticipation of this holiday, which normally lasts only about 2 days after marinating, was in the fridge for three, then four, five days, at least. When I walked into the walk-in cooler, and it smelled like bad meat, I told my manager, not the supervisor, the manager, that I was concerned for the safety of our customers. I was told to cook the meat using the first in first out rule, regardless of 'expiration dates'. I told the staff to not eat anything from the meat in question on their breaks(back then, we could eat for free at work, imagine, a restaurant employee not having to bring a lunch, what if all businesses... post for another day).

Now, the reason I put up with this bullshit among other thing I won't bother to mention, was because this was my first job, and I was afraid to be fired, and didn't know my rights. Now, I have since learned I have the right to refuse unsafe or unlawful work, and that there are plenty of people looking to hire someone with my particular skill set. Or at least, people easily fooled into thinking that I am the type of person they are looking for. Though, I prefer not to be deceptive, especially with regard to employment. It tends to come back to you. I did once leave a job before I was even done the training, they paid me in cash, but in all fairness, I had planned to work as I had agreed, but my health took a turn for the worse, and I was forced to relocate to benefit from health insurance(Crohn's initial diagnosis followed).

Now, I am not certain that CBC is run entirely ethically, in fact, I'd be quite surprised if anything was. But I'd still like to be a part of that environment, even if only as an 'idea man' in the background. I guess I'll start sending in my thoughts and perhaps calling in from time to time. What's the worst that could happen? Black helicopters descend on my house and abduct me in that night, taking me to some secret government installation, interrogating me about my paranoid rants, leaving me drugged in some ditch, unaware I have numerous drug tolerances, and that their amnesiacs will not work at the standard dosage? Ok, that sounds pretty awesome.

And that's the worst case scenario? Well, ok, they could just shoot me dead. But I mean, that too leads to the great mystery of beyond-life. Am I an optimist when I'm drunk or something? Maybe it's the sweet sweet ser... ax-ualy, never mind.

Now, down to business, what I REALLY had on my mind tonight.

Mankind; what's our destiny?
We seem to think we doomed ourselves with pollution, but to me, that seems unlikely.
I've heard that even Pluto is warming up, it's a solar system wide phenomenon, not just Earth, and thus, likely not man made. If this is the case, is this not perhaps an incitation of evolution? I will elaborate momentarily. Even if it is entirely man made, could it not serve the same function as a natural cataclysm? Are we in any way separate from the natural order? Are our thought processes an evolution of instincts? Basically hard-wired response built upon our experiences? Or something more; free will.

Either way, what does our future hold? Can we colonize space? Can we save the Earth before we render it too toxic to support life? Can we use technology to clean up our messes? Will we eventually roam the universe at will, potentially spending every moment of our lives in a completely new experience? Will we someday conquer death? What does the future hold? Will we evolve to exist within a higher-dimensional reality once we have mastered this one? What would new dimensions be like? If time is our fourth dimension, what could the fifth be like?

People(Pinchbeck) talk about the possibility of a hive-mind around winter solstice 2012, but it's really hard to imagine how that would be implemented. Then again, I can remember in my youth, being unable to 'read the signals' sent by a lady friend until well after the fact. If we had been of one mind(which we basically were anyway), the coded speaking would not have been necessary, and we could have ...

She specifically used the words 'summer-fling', that put me off. Maybe it had nothing to do with miscommunication. Then again, maybe she said what she thought I wanted to hear. Hive-mind might clear up some of that type of confusion.

I heard something on the radio today about people in an anti-war group that ended up on a terrorist watch list. They were all in a huff complaining their privacy had been violated by the (US) government spying on them . My beef with that is, in this day and age, with cameras at every store, every atm, even some highway mile posts, not to mention the stuff we don't know about. You can see cars with google earth, just imagine how good the resolution really is. I guess, to expect privacy, in my opinion, is unreasonable. Now, I break the law, even write about it here, but I do it in ways that don't hurt anyone. I stay home, I eat, which is sometimes hard to do with my Crohn's, I laugh more than I might sober. I do cough and spit more than I'd like, but it's much better than wasting away and wiping blood.

Sorry for the graphic image just now, but it illustrates my point. Still, sorry again, I hope no one was eating as they read it.

Kief is delicious. I don't see the need to press it. It's great as is.

I just accidentally talked to my parents for a few minutes, about a friend of mine with a kid, and I'm like, what the fuck was that about? I forget now how it came up, but I assume I brought it up out of nowhere, or basically made a long reaching connection to discuss it. I feel bad now, for my friend, separated from his child by a woman he doesn't love(I presume). I have friends that have been raised with only one parent. Actually, they turned out probably the best, they both have houses and usually good jobs and steady girlfriends. Maybe it's for the better.

But the thing I mentioned was, that one time, while a few of us that are really close we're on a good bender, like day 2, a few hours before the end basically, he talked about his kid. He may have had tears in his eyes, and he told us, me and the other of our main trio(there were others there, but less important), that he wanted us to meet his kid someday. We had been up for at least 30 hours, smoking weed, cocaine too probably, doing lines of blow, eating speed too as I recall, smoking something we were told was opium, but it was green, so god knows what it was. I woke up later that night. All I could see was stars, and I though I was outside. I tried to get up, but found the ground much more flexible than I expected. I realized then, that I was on a bed, in a completely dark room, staring out a large window with no curtains.

I was alarmed somewhat, as last I remembered, we were smoking that opium stuff and chilling out for a bit, somewhere around three pm I believed. It was now almost ten pm, and I couldn't remember when I had gone to bed. I made my way down the hall, and entered the well lit kitchen. I looked around; half full drinks, partially smoked joints and line residue littered the area. I began cleaning up with the drinks, trying to hold my impending hangover at bay. I gathered the empties(after emptying them) and discarded the major garbage, and already the place was looking better. I decided to wander back to the room I had woken up in.

This was the home of a semi-professional athlete. His family was gone, but it was his room I had passed out in. I did a quick search in hope of finding some Dexedrine or Ritalin. What I found however, was a large bottle of seemingly illicitly pressed pills, stashed in a cabinet. I proceeded to take one, expecting some mild stimulation. Judging by the amount he had, he must take more than one at a time generally, I thought, surely one won't do too much.

After my friend, the only other person there, and the only one who really knew the owners of the house, woke up, we cleaned pretty quickly. After we had finished gathering the empties and drinking the half fulls, I began to feel my heart beat quite hard. I realized that this was not a regular upper, but a steroid of some kind(well, I deduced I guess, who know what it was really). After making sure my friend was ok to restore the house and leaving him a little pot, I proceeded to walk about 11km home in the middle of the night.

I went most of the night at a jog almost, it was incredible. Not pleasant though, like speed or ecstasy, just pure energy, do with it what you will. Like, so much energy, if you tried to stay still, you'd probably twitch or have a seizure or something. I should have grabbed a few more for the road, being that he had a good 100 to 200 of these pills. I wonder even now, how much of this substance did he take? Did his balls shrink to like impotency? Poor fucker, he never made it pro as far as I know.

***

I insufflated half a pill. I know, binders and fillers. And benzos aren't hardly water soluble. But it works somewhat, and much quicker than ingestion. Sometimes though, insufflation seems to increase the likelihood of a blackout.

I've also smoked magic mushrooms and perceived effects, but that's a story for another day as well.

I wonder if I should see about getting a prescription for an anti-anxiety med for myself. They do seem to work wonders for me, though I have been known to abuse them. Perhaps it is best if I just use them as they become available, and not actively seek them out.

It had been a while since I had snorted anything. My nose was feeling pretty good actually But, I don't think that a half a 30mg oxazepam is going to greatly irritate my sinuses. Especially because it's a 'repeat offender'.

I'm sorry, I seem to have turned away from thoughts of possible futures to current intoxication. Perhaps it would be best if I ended the post now. Good luck to you all, may random find you well, and I'll see you in the future!
-Marc

stream of thought, change of pace,

It's five o'clock somewhere.
How early is too early to start drinking?
I mean in the day, not in life.

It's like everywhere I look there's a sad problem waiting to be fixed. But they don't want to be fixed, just acknowledged. I'm tired of acknowledging. I just want to relax. Is that so much to ask?

I can't even sit and read, I'm too distracted. But is that my fault? Probably, because even if it isn't my fault, it's my fault for sticking around. But should I just up and leave? I don't have money for first and last month's rent, plus damage deposit, plus a deposit on cable, I shouldn't need one for electricity. I'd need a bunch of start up cash.

Also, once I was out again, I'd have to work a lot more. Paying the bills solo, just internet, cable, electricity and food would be enough to cause financial trouble, let alone rent. Still, I could play whatever music I want whenever I want as loud as I want(neighbour permitting). I could drink without being constantly guilted about it. I can already smoke marijuana unrestricted. I could buy only foods I enjoy. That's always fun; when everything in the kitchen is something you know you like.

I miss my deep-fryer. Frying up potatoes almost daily, with various side meats, always tasty.

I'm going to make some green dragon soon, as this requires little to no kitchen use. But, If I had my own place again, I could do many more elaborate procedures. Isolating compounds, combining compounds, synthesizing compounds. Even just growing a few poppies. In time, I'd like to try my hand at brewing and distilling, but the equipment required is typically delicate and expensive. Marijuana is hops' cousin though, so you know we have to try cannabeer.

So, in staying where I am, I limit my options to those that are generally regarded as safe. If I moved out and got my hands dirty, I'd be risking not only potentially deadly toxin exposure, but some serious jail time if my activities attracted any attention. Well, then again, I'd most likely be using RCs, technically not illegal, although I would be using them in ways other than directed. But home distilling and opium production, even if just for personal use, is frowned upon.

I think maybe I've been over-reactive lately. Like any minor set back seems like a major inconvenience. Everything is a personal attack on me as well. Delusions of reference I guess. I think now, that I'm going to be able to keep it together. In the not too distant future, I can see better times. Less pressing stress anyway, and that alone will be a load off my mind. It's not all dependent on me though, so I've got to keep my fingers crossed for the next week or so. After that, I should be in the clear for a bit. Or maybe the calm before the storm. Whichever it is, should be a nice change of pace.

morning lite

I should be hung over.
I drank enough last night.
Maybe it's because I drank to give my lungs a break.
So my body, being thankful for my not smoking tons of yetis, alleviated my stomach problems, or at least temporarily blocked the signals, to reward my virtuous drunkenness.

Wishful thinking perhaps, but reflective of reality none-the-less.

And with sobriety, comes guilt at your absence. Whether this is caused by genuine karmic intuitions of misfortune, or a vitamin B12 deficiency, I do not know for certain. I know it comes to the same thing; time spent down on yourself.

Now I turn to facebook, and the mysterious friend requests from strangers. We have many friends in common, and they've added me as well, yet, I cannot remember them. They have similar names to people I know, and some of them appear to be attractive women, who believe they know me, and yet I cannot remember them? This is strange.

I remember something about the CIA data-miners providing funding for aspects of facebook, and I wonder now, are these strange individuals dummy files setup to gather information? Are they posing as forgotten old friends? What do they hope to learn?

I dreamed a few dreams last night, strange considering. I seldom wake up from drunk-sleep and remember dreams. I remember an old friends, no longer a friend. We were speaking in a polite manner. I remember a crowd. Weaving through it. Was it an outdoor concert perhaps?

From another night, I remember a family from my hometown, all gathered together in some sort of celebration. I remember having a difficult time determining which of the sisters had been in my class, opting to look for recognition in their faces. I had the distinct impression that this was yet to happen. Those I could see appeared to be dressed at least semi-formally.

Ok, now my stomach is starting to hurt. I just expectorated some cigarette tar, maybe that's it. My body is like, ok, if they lungs are going to hurt, we have to reroute power from the stomach block. Either that, or the coffee is sitting heavy on the cereal.

Am I just getting warm with this toque on? Making me mini-heat-stroke? Doubtful. Rambling though. What person other than me would care to read this? Admit it, if you aren't me, and you are reading this, aren't you asking yourself 'why am I reading this?'. I'm sorry, I'll try and make this more interesting again.

Should I embrace the drink, as it is a socially acceptable addiction, at least in part? Not that I am shunned for my marijuana consumption, though a few do disapprove. It's more like, because my father had his problems with the bottle, I'm afraid I'll get stuck in that too. So when I do drink, I am worried and guilty, making the drinking less fun, more stressful. So I drink more, to alleviate the stress, bringing me closer to that which I fear, being a full blown junky. I guess the term is drunk when you mean alcohol. Drunky.

Well, that's one thing I fear, but I'm not about to reveal all my secrets.

I've been thinking about a trip I had one time. I was high on a little pcp, and a lot of acid. I listened to music so loud, I lost contact with my body. All my attention was on the incoming audio signal. It bled through into my vision and sense of touch. As though all my cells are but floating on the surface of reality, which in turn is being rocked by the music. The music carries me through reality. It's hard to describe.

Almost like I backed my awareness up into my head, so all I was aware of was the music. What a good time that was. I literally had to check to see if I had ejaculated(I hadn't, but would not have been surprised if I had). I almost lost contact with my body another time on salvia. I was a tube, except for the back of my head, which I could still feel pressing hard into the floor. I could see the static from my headphones spiralling out from both sides in front of me, like a double helix.

It scared me, so I pretty much jumped up back into three dimensions. I don't know why, but I want to try and experience being music again. But I am afraid of bad-tripping. When I was drunk, I said for sure it is worth the risk to dose and try for a great buzz. But in the sober light of day, I just don't know if it's worth the risk.

So now that my shift is almost over, I'm thinking about tomorrow and payday. What should I do with my extra cash? Lots of alcohol? Guitar supplies? Try and find some pills? Finally get that prescription cough syrup? Damn intoxicants, so fun, but so shameful. Maybe just buy a lot of weed and smokes so I don't run out.

Now this post is getting shitty again, so I'll wrap it up here. May random find you well.\m/

Guilt and Addiction-Ambition

Update:

Feeling guilty for hitting the medicine cabinet. Forgot to mention nasal spray use. Didn't drink prescription cough syrup. Left most of benzos. Still, friends of the family, I probably should leave their drugs alone.

Hopefully, they don't keep track of their drugs like I do. Still, if confronted, I will admit to my misdeeds. I'd prefer not getting caught, but when I left, I was still in a haze, there's a good chance I left some sign of my activities. I hope I didn't leave an unsniffed line of temazepam on a book or table or something.

Still, I wonder if they'd notice the cough syrup disappearing...

Denial runs deep I guess.

House Sitting

I think I took 7 30mg Tylenol with Codeine.
I skimmed a bit from three 15mg temazepam twice.
Pocketed 9.
Plus I took some benadryl, like 2 or 3.

I drank 6 beer of my own, at least two of the house owner's.
I mixed probably three drinks with the last can of sprite and some flat old coca-cola.
One whiskey, one souther comfort, and one with soco and a 5 year old rum.
Not too shabby, had to drink one this morning though, all warm and such.

Woke up in the master bedroom, "Odd", I thought, "I had planned to sleep on the couch"

Look around, no obvious messes. One sad looking joint, can't even light it.
I recall putting temazepam in a joint or two. I wonder if you can even smoke benzos.
I looked up a few videos on the net. I hope I disconnected, because I'm pretty sure they have dialup.

Cleaned up my empties, let the dog out, check his dish, looks good. Found my last cigarette, went out to smoke it and enjoy the morning. My mom pulls in the driveway while I'm outside smoking. I wave, "Hello". Good timing.

I get my stuff together and head on out. Done my housesitting duty for the day.