Ranting about my past

Tomorrow, or technically later today, I go pay the college to hold my seat for the pharmacy tech course I've signed up for this fall. Tonight, I revisit the past, try and make sense of it, see if time and distance have given me better perspective. Nope.

My friends are in a band. They aren't doing well enough to quit their day jobs yet, but still, there is potential there. The main problem, in my opinion, is the singer. Now, the singer and I used to hang out all the time, we were the drug equivalent of drinking buddies, buzzing buddies I guess. But shit got weird. He'd make comments like "You know, if two guys fuck a girl, one in the vaj and one in the ass, they can feel each others dicks inside her. Oh, my girlfriend is coming up this weekend, we should all three of us get drunk together". Ok, maybe that's not a direct quote, there might have been a few lines of conversation in between, but still. He lived like a 5 minute walk away, and would stay all fucking night. I would say "I'm heading to bed now" and he would say "Ok", and just stay there on the couch watching TV or watching my little brother play video games. It's like, get the hint buddy, TIME TO GO HOME!

There were other incidents, but I figured, hey, I was really high, maybe I missed something, or misunderstood. So I let things slide. But, he kept making me nervous and uncomfortable, to the point where I could not stand hanging out with him. I was worried I would pass out and wake up with a sore ass, or a dude in my bed.

And some of the music he listened to was pretty depressing. Freaked me out somewhat. And he wrote pretty unusual stuff, even before he was asked to join the band. But, whenever I mentioned it to someone that knew him, they would say; "That's just crazy (he)'s alright, he's a good guy", so I figured, maybe it's me. Maybe I'm gaying up this whole situation. I was pretty sexually deprived at the time. I figured, maybe that's how gay people get gay, they get all desperate, and just hit on their friends, and then get used to that. I mean, people get used to constant pain and artificial eyes and walking with only one leg after a lifetime of bipedal existence, maybe one could get used to ass-expansion, even learn to enjoy it.

But, of course, this is not the case. Well, I guess it might be in prison...

Anyway, I stopped doing PCP, regained some mental clarity, and told him to take a hike. It was hard, like breaking up(I assume, not much relationship experience, adding to the gay-anoia), but it was a relief too. At first, I was a little concerned that he might try to kill me, being that I lived so close, and he had almost nothing on the horizon. But, he eventually moved out of his parents' house, and to a different city, much to my relief. No more listening for intruders and such, I could once again sleep easy.

But still, our mutual friends have not noticed any unusual behaviour in this fellow. Am I too pretty, like a lady? He wouldn't be the first guy that was attracted to me, maybe I'm too girly, and I make otherwise straight guys into butt-pirates. I don't know though, I mean, I know I like women, no trouble there, but what's the deal? Are my friends all into circle-jerking and much closer with each other because of it? Am I missing out because I don't partake? Or is it really just that the fellow is good at hiding, or was I the only guy that interested him? Or was it all a big misunderstanding on my part? That's the hardest to believe.

I convinced myself once I must be mistaken and that it was just the acid messing with my head, but then, a while later, I found myself in a familiarly uncomfortable situation. I remember thinking something like; "Oh yeah, I remember now. Don't forget this time. Don't trust (him).".

So, where am I now? Better off, that's for sure. But was I right to just cut him out of my life? I miss hanging out with our mutual friends, his bandmates. I have hung out with them without him, and that's alright. One of their roommates though is like the singer's best friend, and similarly freaky. He's the other dude that was attracted to me. So, hanging out there is hard too. I guess I just miss my friends, and I'm not sure what happened.

I'm reminded of a quote "Friends are those that know the worst things about us, and refuse to believe them". Am I a bad friend then? Because I don't refuse to believe the worst things, I rather bare them in mind, and warn others to watch out for these bad traits? Like, if your friend is a klepto, do you ignore it, or lock up your valuables when they're on their way over? If your friend is a predator, do you ignore it, get pass-out drunk, and wake up with your pants on inside out? I don't rightly know, but I know what I did. I tried to convince myself it wasn't the case, but it got to me. I confronted him one time, asked him if he was molested or what, what is the deal. Unfortunately, I blacked out the rest of the conversation. I was still using pcp at the time, possibly some other drugs, as we were at a music festival. What a long drive home that was.

Maybe I'm just a prude.

Anyway, I brought all this up, because I thought I wanted to discuss the band, and how I wish they had asked me to be the singer. Not even that I'm an excellent singer, but this other guy is so full of himself, and he writes mostly gibberish rhymes, and he's sort of a dick. I think I could do a better job. Maybe not, but I would have given it a go. I miss jamming. Fuck, this guy I can't stand anymore and myself, we used to harmonize pretty well too. I think I have a pretty good ear though, not perfect pitch or anything, but I can hear when I'm hitting the right notes. So I imagine I can do that with others as well. I just don't play music that much anymore, and when I do, I'm alone.

I feel now like I'm full of shit, and quite tired. I hope that random finds us all well. See you in the future. Good luck. \m/