My reflection (Dirty mirror?)

In the last year, I have taken probably somewhere in the neighbourhood of a hundred grams of methylenedioxypyrovalerone. I had a number of instances of malnutrition, sleep deprivation, and even near the end a little bit of delusion and paranoia. Those last two could really be a product of the first two, sleep-dep and mal-nu-trep. More like sleep debt actually.

As I became a father last August, I have a baby at home. I know, it sounds bad, but rest assured, my son is fine, no worse for the wear. In fact, by not being hungry, I was able to do without food to make sure he was fed. I stayed awake for four days straight, not for fun, because it is not fun, but so he and his mother could sleep. I would take the night feedings, then go to school or work.

My grades did suffer, but from sleep deprivation, not intoxication. The four days awake in a row ended with a test, which i believe i failed(67% i think, and 75% is a pass). My marks were high enough that my final mark hardly dropped at all, but when i got the test back, i could see clearly that my thinking was definitely altered at the time of taking the test. I remember one question that was something simple, like math, and I answered with a paragraph. Something like this;

"1+1 = Bananas are an excellent source of potassium. Found in trees, they grow in hot climates. Monkey's notoriously love bananas..."

It's not an actual quote, but it was a test about pharmaceutics, and I can't remember the actual question and answer....
blah blah blah you get the idea. Sleep deprived is no way to take a test.

I experienced heart palpitations and headaches when i took too much. Hallucinations, delusions and paranoia after a year doing it, mixing it with some other stuff (2c-x, either b or i, either way, turned a regular day into an x-files episode, but that was just that one time.... heh heh heh). I felt the fear. Cthulhu cultists everyone. Is that the mothership? She's a witch! Well, it's a battle of wills and mirrors eh!

The last time I did it, I had freebased some, and I could here voices in white-noise. Static over the baby monitor(he was in another town), running water, buzzing or humming electronics. I ended up throwing away the rest of my stash, as well as all my toys and trinkets for taking it, weighing it, storing it, selling it, encapsulating it.

I sort of wish I kept some of that stuff. I threw away my stash of other peoples prescriptions that they no longer needed. Along with my salvia, a joint (not for the weed, but because i rolled some mdpv freebase and seroquel in with it). The mdpv, well, scared me. Like when I threw salvia in the ocean or flushed mushrooms down the toilet. This time though, I'm drawn back.

I really like stimulants. The energy, the focus, the certainty. The productiveness! I liked it more when She was preggo still. I don't blame her for my problems, but seeing her get to liking it a little too much was concerning. I still struggle with bouts of paranoia, but I always have as far as I remember. I was like 9 when I had to talk to the guidance counsellor about my fear of ufos. Thank you "Fire in the Sky". It's a movie about Travis Walton, and his alleged abduction. The key thing is, at the start, it said based on a true story. That scared me as a 9 year old.

But as I was getting to; mushrooms and salvia are still scary. A little mushrooms isn't too scary, but still a little. And a lot of shrooms, or any of that salvia I had, that was scary. MDPV is scary, in that I would do a line right now and that scares me. I threw it away when i realized i couldn't remember if I had hurt Her or not. I hadn't, but the fact that I couldn't remember scared me enough to get rid of what I had secretly kept after she asked me to flush it all.

I don't want my life to end like the movie Spun does. Just kind of stops, nothing finished, nothing even really started. Just one less character.

Ranting about my past

Tomorrow, or technically later today, I go pay the college to hold my seat for the pharmacy tech course I've signed up for this fall. Tonight, I revisit the past, try and make sense of it, see if time and distance have given me better perspective. Nope.

My friends are in a band. They aren't doing well enough to quit their day jobs yet, but still, there is potential there. The main problem, in my opinion, is the singer. Now, the singer and I used to hang out all the time, we were the drug equivalent of drinking buddies, buzzing buddies I guess. But shit got weird. He'd make comments like "You know, if two guys fuck a girl, one in the vaj and one in the ass, they can feel each others dicks inside her. Oh, my girlfriend is coming up this weekend, we should all three of us get drunk together". Ok, maybe that's not a direct quote, there might have been a few lines of conversation in between, but still. He lived like a 5 minute walk away, and would stay all fucking night. I would say "I'm heading to bed now" and he would say "Ok", and just stay there on the couch watching TV or watching my little brother play video games. It's like, get the hint buddy, TIME TO GO HOME!

There were other incidents, but I figured, hey, I was really high, maybe I missed something, or misunderstood. So I let things slide. But, he kept making me nervous and uncomfortable, to the point where I could not stand hanging out with him. I was worried I would pass out and wake up with a sore ass, or a dude in my bed.

And some of the music he listened to was pretty depressing. Freaked me out somewhat. And he wrote pretty unusual stuff, even before he was asked to join the band. But, whenever I mentioned it to someone that knew him, they would say; "That's just crazy (he)'s alright, he's a good guy", so I figured, maybe it's me. Maybe I'm gaying up this whole situation. I was pretty sexually deprived at the time. I figured, maybe that's how gay people get gay, they get all desperate, and just hit on their friends, and then get used to that. I mean, people get used to constant pain and artificial eyes and walking with only one leg after a lifetime of bipedal existence, maybe one could get used to ass-expansion, even learn to enjoy it.

But, of course, this is not the case. Well, I guess it might be in prison...

Anyway, I stopped doing PCP, regained some mental clarity, and told him to take a hike. It was hard, like breaking up(I assume, not much relationship experience, adding to the gay-anoia), but it was a relief too. At first, I was a little concerned that he might try to kill me, being that I lived so close, and he had almost nothing on the horizon. But, he eventually moved out of his parents' house, and to a different city, much to my relief. No more listening for intruders and such, I could once again sleep easy.

But still, our mutual friends have not noticed any unusual behaviour in this fellow. Am I too pretty, like a lady? He wouldn't be the first guy that was attracted to me, maybe I'm too girly, and I make otherwise straight guys into butt-pirates. I don't know though, I mean, I know I like women, no trouble there, but what's the deal? Are my friends all into circle-jerking and much closer with each other because of it? Am I missing out because I don't partake? Or is it really just that the fellow is good at hiding, or was I the only guy that interested him? Or was it all a big misunderstanding on my part? That's the hardest to believe.

I convinced myself once I must be mistaken and that it was just the acid messing with my head, but then, a while later, I found myself in a familiarly uncomfortable situation. I remember thinking something like; "Oh yeah, I remember now. Don't forget this time. Don't trust (him).".

So, where am I now? Better off, that's for sure. But was I right to just cut him out of my life? I miss hanging out with our mutual friends, his bandmates. I have hung out with them without him, and that's alright. One of their roommates though is like the singer's best friend, and similarly freaky. He's the other dude that was attracted to me. So, hanging out there is hard too. I guess I just miss my friends, and I'm not sure what happened.

I'm reminded of a quote "Friends are those that know the worst things about us, and refuse to believe them". Am I a bad friend then? Because I don't refuse to believe the worst things, I rather bare them in mind, and warn others to watch out for these bad traits? Like, if your friend is a klepto, do you ignore it, or lock up your valuables when they're on their way over? If your friend is a predator, do you ignore it, get pass-out drunk, and wake up with your pants on inside out? I don't rightly know, but I know what I did. I tried to convince myself it wasn't the case, but it got to me. I confronted him one time, asked him if he was molested or what, what is the deal. Unfortunately, I blacked out the rest of the conversation. I was still using pcp at the time, possibly some other drugs, as we were at a music festival. What a long drive home that was.

Maybe I'm just a prude.

Anyway, I brought all this up, because I thought I wanted to discuss the band, and how I wish they had asked me to be the singer. Not even that I'm an excellent singer, but this other guy is so full of himself, and he writes mostly gibberish rhymes, and he's sort of a dick. I think I could do a better job. Maybe not, but I would have given it a go. I miss jamming. Fuck, this guy I can't stand anymore and myself, we used to harmonize pretty well too. I think I have a pretty good ear though, not perfect pitch or anything, but I can hear when I'm hitting the right notes. So I imagine I can do that with others as well. I just don't play music that much anymore, and when I do, I'm alone.

I feel now like I'm full of shit, and quite tired. I hope that random finds us all well. See you in the future. Good luck. \m/

Venting

What's going on these days?
What's all new and exciting?
What've you been up to?

Well, you see,
I've been changing.

I'm dating this girl now, and things are going quite well.
We've even met each other's parents.

But, I am sort of hung up a bit on some things.
She has lots of friends. Guy friends.
She doesn't seem attracted to them, but at the same time, I can't help but feel threatened.

She talked about her old boyfriend not trusting her, and being mad that she would hang out with this guy that would drive her home from work everyday. She would say, "What, don't you trust me?", to which he must of course reply yes. Thing is though, her ex was right. I was the guy driving her home. We weren't romantically involved at the time, but you better believe the thought was there. On my end at least.

So the thing is this; she has this friend, this guy, that drives her to and from work almost everyday. I even asked the guy if he likes her, and he said yes. I don't know if the lady-friend knows he does though, I felt it would be rude to tell her myself. Also, she might not believe me, which might lead to a fight, her calling me paranoid (and possibly being right), me being upset with her, and her going to spend time with him.

I don't know, she says I should trust her, but I'm scared.

It's like, I have no desire to go and spend time alone with other girls, because I don't even want to tempt fate. But she doesn't seem to feel the same way.

Maybe I'm just paranoid. Again I remind myself; who does she take to bed. Be appreciative. She likes to spend time with you Marc, enjoy that.

But that's another thing; I'm almost afraid to ask her about things sometimes. Like, I don't want to upset her, or learn something I didn't want to know about her, and ruin our relationship. So, do I just keep my mouth shut and enjoy it while it lasts? That seems sort of sad. Just try to smile, don't think too much.

What if that makes me resent her? That's no good...

Lastly, because I've been shy my whole life, I don't have a lot of experience to draw on. In fact, I've already had a number of significant events with her. First repeat sexual partner, first time sober, first time biting on the ass, first real girlfriend even.

She's already done these things, so, am I having more fun?

And what am I to her, average?

Well, I suppose, there is one thing I did that no one else had before. She gets really ticklish after an orgasm, and she said that never happened with anyone else before. Am I doing something well, or something wrong, I don't really know. Lack of experience. Although I will say this, I don't understand why so many guys have a hard time getting their women off. Do a little reading, figure out the biology.

Ahh well, I feel better just having articulated my thoughts like this. Hopefully, we will continue to enjoy each others company for quite some time.

May random find you well.
K O R I T F W

Stream of thought

I feel like my brain is half turned off with her. Like I just have this inarticulate pull to her now. I don't even have much to say it seems. Like, I don't want to talk too much and fuck things up.

I've already doubled my sexual experience points. I think if life were a game, I'd have leveled up. Mind you, I had few points, which is why I was able to so quickly double them.

She was nervous for a while. I asked if it was my shoes(size 13). She said what? I said, you know, what they say about guys with big feet, that's not true eh, it's just regular sized. She laughed, and said that wasn't why she was nervous, but it made her feel better anyway.

I find my every word scrutinized with her. And she certainly does not like it when I draw any similarities between her and my dog. Yeah I know, I immediately regretted it both times.

She's not to keen on a certain Colombian export, and whenever I bring it up in passing, she seems a little uncomfortable. I will try to curb this. She was talking with her friend while we were driving around, and she said she really wants to do some shrooms. This freaked me out, because she knows I am prone to bad-tripping. I don't know if she wants me to trip with her or not. I'm afraid that if we tripped and I freaked out, then I'd feel weird around her forever. It's happened with other people I knew longer than I've known her. Still feel uncomfortable around them.

She also talks about her friends and ex boyfriends. Sometimes the stuff she says scares me. Like this friend of hers, she said this one time, well, basically "One more beer, and he woulda raped me". I was like fuck, you need to choose some better friends. She was talking about this other guy that was like her bully, and like, she still hung out with him fairly regularly. I got flashes of her with him spending a lot of time alone.

I saw her grad picture at her parents house. I think one of my old friends may have dated her in high school. I didn't know her then, but I recognized the picture. This freaked me out too, as that friend is kind of a horn dog prone to misconduct. Fuck I feel sick just thinking about it.

I'm like, I know, you're not perfect Marc. But I certainly have a short list of sexual encounters, with none of her friends on it. Let it go. I think just typing it out might help ease my mind.

But she hangs out with a lot of guys. Some of them are shady characters. If anything ever happened to her, I'd feel so bad. I'm scared that she's putting herself at risk now more than I'm worried about her past. I don't want her to be as cynical as I can be, but a little healthy paranoia can save your life.

Oops, ok, maybe I made out with one of her friends a few years ago. But that was as far as it got. Well, I feel better now. Kinda articulated my thoughts a bit. Have a good one folks, I know I will,
-Marc

Switch Back(Downshift?)

Ok, so maybe I misread that.

The situation, not the post. Maybe I was still high from last night, or the coffee was extra stimulating, but already, just a few hours later, Ive lost my luster. Karma perhaps, for improper conduct?

I don't know! FUCK! This is frustrating!

If free will is an illusion, than bravo mr. magician, because I'm fooled.

***

Theremin's are pretty cool. Maybe I'll try and pick one up. Maybe just a talkbox for the ole git.

Some Wii points for sure. Fore shore...


... no robot parts but robot hearts. Shut down emotions chip.

Often-wrong Soong, what would you do?


I'm such a nerd.

flip-flop. Stop typing mid-message. Should I do it? Can I pull it off? I know it won't kill me, but, but.... but something anyway.

There, I did it. Well, usually I just disappear in a bottle for a week until I'm in the clear, so, I guess this is an improvement. Now I can disappear into a bottle guilt free! Yeah right.

Star Trek TNG, those were the days. Smoke a little weed, never bad tripped, so not scared of acid or pcp. No bills to pay, still in high school. Not a whole lot different than now really, just more social. And more naive, innocent, and blissfully ignorant.

That was back before I picked apart reality, looked behind the curtain. I feel the lightning sneaking up on me. Have to be careful what I say I guess.

Ok, so maybe I've had too much coffee and I'm a little paranoid. Talking about projects earlier, maybe I shouldn't have capitalized them as though they are important and code words. That's all I need, some suit coming over and asking me question about Project Green Dragon, fucking waste his time, I'm sure he'll be pleased about that.

Over sensitive to sound now. Damn, and I was doing so well.

Presently, I sigh, and give up. I surrender to my choices, and prepare to face to consequences.

My heart beats too fast for a moment, sound startling me more than it should. Medication follows.

Placebo effect felt instantly, ahhh, relief is coming. Eat some bacon, delicious.







Ok, the bacon jokes are awesome, and I totally understand. But this bacon salt is a video I found on my way to Mr. Gaffigan's Bacon tirade, and I must say; I am intrigued.

I hope that the border patrol doesn't have a link to my blog when I try to enter the United States next. But back to Bacon. Yes, I capitalized it.

So this Bacon Salt appears to be a real product. I am surely going to have to keep an eye out for it. They say on the website that someone tried it with ice cream. I had bacon with ice cream once. I was at McDonald's and noticed the 'make it bacon for 49 cents' sign, and decided to order the cheapest thing there and 'make it bacon'. So, I ordered a small cone, probably vanilla, which was about 50 cents at the time, so the whole thing cost me just over a dollar. It was pretty good, the hot and cold, salty and sweet, the co mingling of the normally opposing flavours in artificial harmony.

Wouldn't it be freaky if you walked through a dark area of your house with a drink, and something fell in, but you didn't notice until the end? Like an earwig, or some horror-movie alien thing? And you only noticed when it hit your lips. Or maybe you didn't notice.

I guess accidental ingestion is what I mean is freaky. You suddenly realize you ingested something other than what you intended to. Perhaps some unknown substance with unknown effects. So you wait, terrified, to see if you live through the night.

Is it dark in here?

I think I'm going to have to order this Bacon Salt online.

Now I'm getting sluggish. No more placebo.

Reading about video games now. Winding down for sleep.
Have a good one.

Results (part 2)

So I sent that offline message. I told her I'd be online later between like 5 and 7. Sure enough, when I appeared offline, she was there. I immediately started to panic. I felt my heart beat getting more intense, louder in my ears. I couldn't think. I signed in for real, no ghosting around. I double clicked her name, I had the window open. Then I froze.

I was thinking to myself, what do I say? Should I just say hey? How's it going? Should I be all intense and ballsy? Maybe that crazy fucker in Dr. Strangelove was half-right, right that we're being poisoned, wrong about it being fluoride. Xenoestrogens, like bisphenol-A. Synthetic chemicals that mimic estrogen in the body, but are not broken down like estrogen, and in fact have been accumulating in our environment for decades now. Controversial effects have been postulated. Even so, lame excuse; I am so riddled with girl-hormones that I don't know how to take the initiative. Fuck I hope that's not true.

It's like not too late to go out even, and I've already resigned myself to hiding. I may slink out to a bar for a night-cap, but even that is unlikely at this point. Do I really think of myself as unworthy of human affection? Am I unreasonably scared of disease? Am I just unable to allow myself to be happy? Why do I keep sabotaging myself? Do I feel unworthy of rest and company? What have I done so wrong that I'd condemn myself to a life of solitude?

I might be more likable if I was mostly sedated. Even some mild brain damage might make me more relateable. I'm like, yah computers, I know how you feel. Wasted. And not in the good way.

I probably want to get my shit together, get the fuck back out of the rents house, get a better job or secure a loan for further schoolin'. Why not wait until I'm done school? OR after the loans are paid? Or after I have my own house? Or after I retire? Yeah, that'll be fun, talking junior to his first day of school at like 71 years old. So go now? ...I cannot.

I'm going to look back at my life someday, and see it as a long string of crushing failures punctuated with minor success' and terrible trade offs. And yet, I feel powerless to change. I'm like, fuck I'm such a scumbag, nobody would want me, and this girl goes "I do", and I'm like, well you must not know me well enough yet. Perhaps if I jerk you around you will see me in a less flattering light. Like, I'm like driving her away, and reaching out when I'm drunk. Wow, I might be a cliche.

I need to do some serious neural pruning I think, too much in my startup files. Gotta trim the fat, less processes running, more focus. Too much information flying around my head, it's like, here's the cynic view, the optimist view, the rich man's view, the crazy man's view, and the religious man's view, all working off the same sensory data, all fighting over how to interpret it. It's not that I have different voices in my head or different personalities(I don't think), but that I can shift my perspective easily to imagine my interests and priorities are different.

Tick-tock, tick-tock. Time's a wasting. I'm sitting here digging in my shit while she's counting down the time she has left in town. What a jerk I must be. Maybe I will make that night-cap after all. Dread and shame right now. Not much fun.

"When life's hard, you have to change"
-Blind Melon

Going to listen to that I think. Good luck.

Too Heavy

Too Heavy
One toke over the line
One line over the edge
One step over the ledge

Every sensation takes on a threatening quality.
Your shirt, it's too tight.
The air is dirty and stale.
You can feel it making your eyes sticky.

Your favourite song sounds out of tune.
And the singer is laughing at you.
You pathetic little shit.
What did you expect?

So slow to learn my lesson.

Keep your mouth shut. Don't even write it down. Stop.
Your stomach is heavy, distracting you.

Maybe I'm wrong.

The air rounds slightly, not so edgy.

Maybe I'm just paranoid or confused or tired.
I could be malnourished.
That's right, there's loads of reasons why I feel.

Too heavy.
Sharpening again.

Self righteous, self loathing, and scaring myself stupid.

...an unfamiliar song, chosen for it's reputation.
Well earned, it proves to be.
Bobbing my head now, I can almost forget...

I forget.

The art of distraction is under appreciated.

With normalcy restored, I continue.