Ouch

I just got off the phone with the girlfriend.
She's at work, working nights.
We were talking a little bit sexually, being a little dirty and what not, and she asks me;

"Did I ever tell you Stephane(her ex) used to say his super hero name was Testiclees, and his power was that he could turn his right testicle into anything he wanted?"

I was like, damn, there goes my sexual arousal indicator. Why does she have to bring up old fuck-face when we're talking about us and our sexual activities? I was not too pleased, but I kept it to myself mostly. I did suggest at the end of the call that she read more about dirty-sexual things(as she had been in a Cosmo magazine) than about asshole-y ex boyfriends.

It makes me feel bad to hear her talk about her ex fondly. Like fuck, what, do you miss him? Do you remember how miserable he made you? How you tried to cheat on him with me, only I was too dumb to realize it?

And then there's that; she was willing to cheat on him with me. How do I know she won't be willing to cheat on me with someone she's working with now? What about when I go to school in the fall, or when I start working more. What if she gets lonely?

Would I forgive her if she did cheat on me? Would that be a mistake? Would it be like telling her it's ok, you don't need to be exclusive with me, so long as I get my turn too. That's not how I feel.

She's given me no reason to be suspicious really. I don't think I am suspicious either. It's just frustrating sometimes to hear talk about her previous relationships or her male friends. It's like, I come off as an asshole if I tell her that one of her friends is into her. She said her previous boyfriend had a problem with her hanging out with so many guys(like me), and that strained their relationship. But wasn't he right? I was one of the guys he didn't like her hanging out with.

And Michelle keeps insisting her friends are just that; friends. Nothing more. But like, doesn't she know what happens when people get drunk? You make bad decisions, forget important things(like your boyfriend perhaps?), and make mistakes. Is it wrong of me to not want her to get drunk with her guy friends?

For instance; there was this guy that would drive her around all the time. He even drove me with her when I came to visit before we started going out. The first time I came to visit, I got drunk, and asked the guy flat-out if he liked her. He told me that yes, he does like her. I asked if he had a problem with me, and he said no, as long as Michelle is happy.

Now, I pointed this out to her shortly thereafter. I did so in a way that would perhaps spare the fellow's feelings, by saying I suspect he has an interest in her. She brushed this off, saying no no, we're just friends, and that I was foolish to think otherwise.

A few months down the road, it had become glaringly obvious to everyone that this fellow had an interest in m'lady, to the point where he left town as he can no longer stand to see her with me. When all this came to light, she basically said that yes, she knew he liked her, but that she was sort of in denial. Like, she thought he would give up and become interested in another, or he would hit on her, and she would reject him, and that would be that.

But the key thing is, she knew he liked her, she continued to hang out with him, and what's more, she denied it when I asked her. What am I to think? Is this supposed to inspire confidence?

And we're heading to our home town this week, and she wants to hang out with him, and possibly get drunk. I am wary of this, as I was when she suggested we drink together long ago to avoid her parents. I don't want to get involved in a three-some, and then not be able to look Michelle in the eye anymore.

I don't know why I'm so jealous. I wish I wasn't. It just seems sometimes like she's not giving me the whole story, or she's not satisfied with me. Maybe I'm being unreasonable, I don't know. I just know how guys think, and I think she underestimates their/our horniness.

So, should I bring this up with her? Or just keep my mouth shut? I don't really know.

I feel like this is Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, and I just want to enjoy things while they last. May random find you well.
\m/

Ranting about my past

Tomorrow, or technically later today, I go pay the college to hold my seat for the pharmacy tech course I've signed up for this fall. Tonight, I revisit the past, try and make sense of it, see if time and distance have given me better perspective. Nope.

My friends are in a band. They aren't doing well enough to quit their day jobs yet, but still, there is potential there. The main problem, in my opinion, is the singer. Now, the singer and I used to hang out all the time, we were the drug equivalent of drinking buddies, buzzing buddies I guess. But shit got weird. He'd make comments like "You know, if two guys fuck a girl, one in the vaj and one in the ass, they can feel each others dicks inside her. Oh, my girlfriend is coming up this weekend, we should all three of us get drunk together". Ok, maybe that's not a direct quote, there might have been a few lines of conversation in between, but still. He lived like a 5 minute walk away, and would stay all fucking night. I would say "I'm heading to bed now" and he would say "Ok", and just stay there on the couch watching TV or watching my little brother play video games. It's like, get the hint buddy, TIME TO GO HOME!

There were other incidents, but I figured, hey, I was really high, maybe I missed something, or misunderstood. So I let things slide. But, he kept making me nervous and uncomfortable, to the point where I could not stand hanging out with him. I was worried I would pass out and wake up with a sore ass, or a dude in my bed.

And some of the music he listened to was pretty depressing. Freaked me out somewhat. And he wrote pretty unusual stuff, even before he was asked to join the band. But, whenever I mentioned it to someone that knew him, they would say; "That's just crazy (he)'s alright, he's a good guy", so I figured, maybe it's me. Maybe I'm gaying up this whole situation. I was pretty sexually deprived at the time. I figured, maybe that's how gay people get gay, they get all desperate, and just hit on their friends, and then get used to that. I mean, people get used to constant pain and artificial eyes and walking with only one leg after a lifetime of bipedal existence, maybe one could get used to ass-expansion, even learn to enjoy it.

But, of course, this is not the case. Well, I guess it might be in prison...

Anyway, I stopped doing PCP, regained some mental clarity, and told him to take a hike. It was hard, like breaking up(I assume, not much relationship experience, adding to the gay-anoia), but it was a relief too. At first, I was a little concerned that he might try to kill me, being that I lived so close, and he had almost nothing on the horizon. But, he eventually moved out of his parents' house, and to a different city, much to my relief. No more listening for intruders and such, I could once again sleep easy.

But still, our mutual friends have not noticed any unusual behaviour in this fellow. Am I too pretty, like a lady? He wouldn't be the first guy that was attracted to me, maybe I'm too girly, and I make otherwise straight guys into butt-pirates. I don't know though, I mean, I know I like women, no trouble there, but what's the deal? Are my friends all into circle-jerking and much closer with each other because of it? Am I missing out because I don't partake? Or is it really just that the fellow is good at hiding, or was I the only guy that interested him? Or was it all a big misunderstanding on my part? That's the hardest to believe.

I convinced myself once I must be mistaken and that it was just the acid messing with my head, but then, a while later, I found myself in a familiarly uncomfortable situation. I remember thinking something like; "Oh yeah, I remember now. Don't forget this time. Don't trust (him).".

So, where am I now? Better off, that's for sure. But was I right to just cut him out of my life? I miss hanging out with our mutual friends, his bandmates. I have hung out with them without him, and that's alright. One of their roommates though is like the singer's best friend, and similarly freaky. He's the other dude that was attracted to me. So, hanging out there is hard too. I guess I just miss my friends, and I'm not sure what happened.

I'm reminded of a quote "Friends are those that know the worst things about us, and refuse to believe them". Am I a bad friend then? Because I don't refuse to believe the worst things, I rather bare them in mind, and warn others to watch out for these bad traits? Like, if your friend is a klepto, do you ignore it, or lock up your valuables when they're on their way over? If your friend is a predator, do you ignore it, get pass-out drunk, and wake up with your pants on inside out? I don't rightly know, but I know what I did. I tried to convince myself it wasn't the case, but it got to me. I confronted him one time, asked him if he was molested or what, what is the deal. Unfortunately, I blacked out the rest of the conversation. I was still using pcp at the time, possibly some other drugs, as we were at a music festival. What a long drive home that was.

Maybe I'm just a prude.

Anyway, I brought all this up, because I thought I wanted to discuss the band, and how I wish they had asked me to be the singer. Not even that I'm an excellent singer, but this other guy is so full of himself, and he writes mostly gibberish rhymes, and he's sort of a dick. I think I could do a better job. Maybe not, but I would have given it a go. I miss jamming. Fuck, this guy I can't stand anymore and myself, we used to harmonize pretty well too. I think I have a pretty good ear though, not perfect pitch or anything, but I can hear when I'm hitting the right notes. So I imagine I can do that with others as well. I just don't play music that much anymore, and when I do, I'm alone.

I feel now like I'm full of shit, and quite tired. I hope that random finds us all well. See you in the future. Good luck. \m/

Venting

What's going on these days?
What's all new and exciting?
What've you been up to?

Well, you see,
I've been changing.

I'm dating this girl now, and things are going quite well.
We've even met each other's parents.

But, I am sort of hung up a bit on some things.
She has lots of friends. Guy friends.
She doesn't seem attracted to them, but at the same time, I can't help but feel threatened.

She talked about her old boyfriend not trusting her, and being mad that she would hang out with this guy that would drive her home from work everyday. She would say, "What, don't you trust me?", to which he must of course reply yes. Thing is though, her ex was right. I was the guy driving her home. We weren't romantically involved at the time, but you better believe the thought was there. On my end at least.

So the thing is this; she has this friend, this guy, that drives her to and from work almost everyday. I even asked the guy if he likes her, and he said yes. I don't know if the lady-friend knows he does though, I felt it would be rude to tell her myself. Also, she might not believe me, which might lead to a fight, her calling me paranoid (and possibly being right), me being upset with her, and her going to spend time with him.

I don't know, she says I should trust her, but I'm scared.

It's like, I have no desire to go and spend time alone with other girls, because I don't even want to tempt fate. But she doesn't seem to feel the same way.

Maybe I'm just paranoid. Again I remind myself; who does she take to bed. Be appreciative. She likes to spend time with you Marc, enjoy that.

But that's another thing; I'm almost afraid to ask her about things sometimes. Like, I don't want to upset her, or learn something I didn't want to know about her, and ruin our relationship. So, do I just keep my mouth shut and enjoy it while it lasts? That seems sort of sad. Just try to smile, don't think too much.

What if that makes me resent her? That's no good...

Lastly, because I've been shy my whole life, I don't have a lot of experience to draw on. In fact, I've already had a number of significant events with her. First repeat sexual partner, first time sober, first time biting on the ass, first real girlfriend even.

She's already done these things, so, am I having more fun?

And what am I to her, average?

Well, I suppose, there is one thing I did that no one else had before. She gets really ticklish after an orgasm, and she said that never happened with anyone else before. Am I doing something well, or something wrong, I don't really know. Lack of experience. Although I will say this, I don't understand why so many guys have a hard time getting their women off. Do a little reading, figure out the biology.

Ahh well, I feel better just having articulated my thoughts like this. Hopefully, we will continue to enjoy each others company for quite some time.

May random find you well.
K O R I T F W

Working on a Sunday. Just dropped off the lady-friend before work. She's up for the weekend, but she'll be gone before I'm done my shift.

I asked her out the other night and she right said no quickly. I was surprised, I figured she would be all for it. But I guess I was drunk, so maybe she figured I was only asking because I was drunk.

Maybe too, she wants to keep her options open. But I did ask if she was pursuing any other guys when she turned me down and she said that she wasn't(to which I replied, so, what's the problem?). Perhaps I'm getting ahead of myself though.

She didn't want me to meet her dad. I wasn't too concerned at first, but after I thought about it, I wondered if she figures I won't be around long enough to bother introducing me or something. Paranoia, it'll destroya.

I certainly didn't get much sleep this weekend, that's probably contributing to my weirdness. It's like I babble, I talk about whatever I see or is going through my mind briefly. Anything but what I really wanted to talk about, which is what is going on between me and this lady-friend.

This is something I didn't expect; I feel all hung-up on her. I want to be around her like all the time. I think about her a lot, possibly too much. I have to really make an effort to not be jealous of her guy-friends. They've known her for a long time, but, I know how guys think too. She was showing off her leg scar, getting people to touch a metal piece in her leg. I was biting my tongue. I really like her skin, and I don't want to share it. I'm not going around rubbing up on every girl whose first name I know.

Just breathe deep Marc, trust that she can take care of herself. After all, she may be friendly with other guys, but who does she like to lie in bed and watch cartoons with? Who does she sleep on? Who does she come to town to visit? That's right Marc, you. So, appreciate that instead of freaking out about little things.

I'm somewhat concerned as well, that the feelings I am currently experiencing, are exaggerated and may return to more normal levels of affection(for me anyway). Perhaps even worse than that, I might find myself disliking her, for reasons real or imagined. I certainly don't want to hurt her by leading her on just to let her go. Maybe that's why she doesn't want to go out with me, she knows eventually, we'll likely part ways. And hearing the way she talks about her exes(who, in my opinion, she mentions all too often), I'm not sure I want to be one.

*sigh*

I still want to be with her, so I think I'll just 'keep up the good work', in that I will stay in contact with her, but try not to pressure her into anything. I'm right going to get hurt her down the road I think. Ahh well, deal with that then.

It's like eternal sunshine of the spotless mind, which she too enjoys. Knowing that we'll probably fall apart eventually, we would still come together, to enjoy what we could before then.

And I might be wrong too. Stranger things have happened.

Back to work for now. May Random find you well.
\m/