Insecure rant

So I'm feeling a little down as of late. M'lady and I have been on vacation for over a week now, and basically, besides my family, we've been visiting only with her friends. The stag/doe party for our friends' wedding had some mutual friends and friends of mine, which was ok I guess. My main friend there lives in the same town as me and was supposed to call me to go do something twice in the last few months but never did. So yeah, I got to talk about that with him. Another friend, one I didn't know too well, wanted to smoke weed with us. I was surprised, and indicated as much, and he said the last time he saw me I smoked with him and tried to get him to try cocaine. I was like shit, that's true, I remember that now. Don't I look like a junkie.

But in the last week of our 'vacation', we've had less sex, or at most about the same, as we would at home with both of us working. Am I alone in thinking a vacation should feature more sex?

And we're over spending. I figured we would when she said she didn't want to leave all the rent at home, just half. Now we've got to borrow money from my parents, because hers won't lend us money, to cover our rent, as well as Michelle's makeup for the wedding and hair dye for her et cetera. Basically, this week has been all about her, and I'm too tired to even masturbate. I can't wait to go home tomorrow and sleep in my own bed.

But even then, I worry that I just want more sex than her. Is it my fault? Do I get her off too thoroughly, and then she's good for days, meanwhile, I'm ready for round two later that day? Do I just stop 'giving' when I'm not 'receiving'? That seems kind of mean and petty. Who knows, maybe if she was as horny as me, I couldn't keep up, and she'd need many men to satisfy her. That would suck. I guess I'm better off this way.

Still, it's like, when I'm getting cranky and sad and fed up and pissy that she seems interested. Like, what the hell, how is that appealing? Wouldn't you like me more when I'm happy and confident and full of energy? If you wait until I'm sleeping all day and I don't want to eat and I don't care, then how much can be expected of me? I don't even know what I'm talking about, I'm still too new to this whole 'having regular sex' thing.

I've been having weird dreams lately too. I dreamt that I was driving my parents truck and sort of nodding off at the wheel, and I drifted off the road just in time to hit the start of the railing for a bridge. I woke up or switched dreams quickly, so I don't know what happened. But, I sort of felt like a dick, because it seemed that the passenger, who I assumed was Michelle, may have taken a pretty hard hit.

I had another dream where I was urinating at some party, when a group of girls all rushed in to check out my penis. They seemed somewhat impressed, and I indicated the should touch it if they want to see it full-size. The dream then switched to me apologizing, and Michelle seeming ok with it, after all, they had rushed in on me with my pants down, possibly after her bragging me up even, which was cool.

And last night or this morning, I had a dream where this old friend of mine was hanging out with me and was very talkative but perhaps a little too close for comfort. I suspected he might be gay, but I don't believe he is in real life. Anyway, he seemed all in my face, but still was providing useful information about the girl I was with, who, in this dream, wasn't Michelle. It was actually a friend of mine's girlfriend(fiancee?). It seemed she had mislead me with regard to her whereabouts and activities recently.

These dreams seemed to unsettle me. Perhaps they are a reflection of my 'vacation' week and the thoughts lurking in my head. Perhaps they are random firings of the brain too. I don't know, I'm going to stick it out though, heading home tomorrow after all. Hopefully, I'll have a better idea what's going on soon.

May random find you well.
-M

Edit;
A few hours later now, feeling better. Spoke with Michelle, smoked some yetis, cleaned up a bit, packed some of our things, got my drive situation figured out and spoke with the landlord. The reception is BYOB, and we're pretty strapped for cash, but we might be able to pull something off. Maybe there'll be a bunch of jell-o shooters again, we could hit those pretty hard. More positive now anyway, just wanted to vent earlier I guess. Looking forward to seeing the lady in a dress, as that doesn't happen often. I've been instructed to get pictures. Maybe we'll find a way to get a case of beer too, so we don't have to mooch too much.

Have a good one,
\m/