My reflection (Dirty mirror?)

In the last year, I have taken probably somewhere in the neighbourhood of a hundred grams of methylenedioxypyrovalerone. I had a number of instances of malnutrition, sleep deprivation, and even near the end a little bit of delusion and paranoia. Those last two could really be a product of the first two, sleep-dep and mal-nu-trep. More like sleep debt actually.

As I became a father last August, I have a baby at home. I know, it sounds bad, but rest assured, my son is fine, no worse for the wear. In fact, by not being hungry, I was able to do without food to make sure he was fed. I stayed awake for four days straight, not for fun, because it is not fun, but so he and his mother could sleep. I would take the night feedings, then go to school or work.

My grades did suffer, but from sleep deprivation, not intoxication. The four days awake in a row ended with a test, which i believe i failed(67% i think, and 75% is a pass). My marks were high enough that my final mark hardly dropped at all, but when i got the test back, i could see clearly that my thinking was definitely altered at the time of taking the test. I remember one question that was something simple, like math, and I answered with a paragraph. Something like this;

"1+1 = Bananas are an excellent source of potassium. Found in trees, they grow in hot climates. Monkey's notoriously love bananas..."

It's not an actual quote, but it was a test about pharmaceutics, and I can't remember the actual question and answer....
blah blah blah you get the idea. Sleep deprived is no way to take a test.

I experienced heart palpitations and headaches when i took too much. Hallucinations, delusions and paranoia after a year doing it, mixing it with some other stuff (2c-x, either b or i, either way, turned a regular day into an x-files episode, but that was just that one time.... heh heh heh). I felt the fear. Cthulhu cultists everyone. Is that the mothership? She's a witch! Well, it's a battle of wills and mirrors eh!

The last time I did it, I had freebased some, and I could here voices in white-noise. Static over the baby monitor(he was in another town), running water, buzzing or humming electronics. I ended up throwing away the rest of my stash, as well as all my toys and trinkets for taking it, weighing it, storing it, selling it, encapsulating it.

I sort of wish I kept some of that stuff. I threw away my stash of other peoples prescriptions that they no longer needed. Along with my salvia, a joint (not for the weed, but because i rolled some mdpv freebase and seroquel in with it). The mdpv, well, scared me. Like when I threw salvia in the ocean or flushed mushrooms down the toilet. This time though, I'm drawn back.

I really like stimulants. The energy, the focus, the certainty. The productiveness! I liked it more when She was preggo still. I don't blame her for my problems, but seeing her get to liking it a little too much was concerning. I still struggle with bouts of paranoia, but I always have as far as I remember. I was like 9 when I had to talk to the guidance counsellor about my fear of ufos. Thank you "Fire in the Sky". It's a movie about Travis Walton, and his alleged abduction. The key thing is, at the start, it said based on a true story. That scared me as a 9 year old.

But as I was getting to; mushrooms and salvia are still scary. A little mushrooms isn't too scary, but still a little. And a lot of shrooms, or any of that salvia I had, that was scary. MDPV is scary, in that I would do a line right now and that scares me. I threw it away when i realized i couldn't remember if I had hurt Her or not. I hadn't, but the fact that I couldn't remember scared me enough to get rid of what I had secretly kept after she asked me to flush it all.

I don't want my life to end like the movie Spun does. Just kind of stops, nothing finished, nothing even really started. Just one less character.