stream of thought

I had a dream while napping this evening. My brother was home for a visit. We were discussing video games. I can't remember much else now.



I've been lurking online only briefly these past few days. I've been feeling pretty frustrated as of late. I get short with my family, though I am usually able to keep it internal. Sometimes it just seems like every question someone presents me is designed to make me have to think and speak clearly about.... *cough* *cough*



Fuck that.



My paycheck was a little lighter than usually this week, on account of my missing work due to illness. Now, I have no money for recreational alcohol. I...



Terms like 'ECHELON' and 'Total Information Awareness' and 'Data-Mining' are forcing themselves into my head. Am I being monitored?


The art of distraction comes in handy yet again.

Results (part 3)

I still can't contact her.
I can get so close, but I can't type anything.
I feel pretty worthless, which is not helping me go back on my decision.
That's the thing, as soon as you bolt, you have to keep running. It gets harder and harder to explain why you ran the longer you go. Especially when you don't really know yourself.

I'm kinda listening, hoping she drops by to yell at me or something. I have it coming, and it would probably wake me up enough to act. I hope so anyway. Maybe I watch too many movies. Damn Hollywood.

Side note, strange visual distortions now, like a clear hair is lying on my field of vision, looped on one end. Or like a stringy darkening of vision. Not too comforting. Especially with just regular cannabis use and being on my second drink in as many hours. More kief than usual, perhaps this is related?

Sound outside! You idiot, you know she's not coming, why would she, you didn't contact her to invite her over. You could have, probably should have, but didn't. Now, what a surprise, alone again. But, it still feels like alone at least, after a day with my parents and uncle, waking up ten minutes before work, this thing hanging over my head all day. I could hardly follow tv or listen to what people said, I'd zone out and think, oh man, I hope she's not sad. Then come back and be totally lost for a moment.

I had an insight earlier, it's like I want to hang out with her, but do I have to come too? If I wasn't there I could go, all ghosty. Of course, that would be hellish, because if I were a ghost, she would surely not mourn my death forever, and if I were to haunt her, I would inevitably be forced to see her with someone else. It would be oh-so exquisitely painful, watching some buffoon do so easily what I can't seem to for the life of me. Quite literally, for the life of me, in that case.

But even now, it's like, where am I heading? Am I just planning to self destruct, and I don't want to bring her down with me? Oh this picking it apart is bad too. I sound so whiny, cowardly, self-righteous and pathetic. Maybe I am doing her a favor. Fuck I wish I could get drunk. No, that's not quite it, sleep? I hope I get a good nights sleep and wake up feeling rested and relaxed. I haven't had that in a while.

I think I've been posting here too much, not enough substance. At the same time, too much is better than none. I'll probably try and cut back a bit, hit the hardcopy books up for some immersive sci-fi reading. Try an stay offline for a bit, so I'm not immediately reminded of what a douche I am every time I log on. Right now, I've not got too much on my mind. I fucked this thing up for now at least, work's pretty much stable. Money's not a big concern, though more would be nice. I've been like getting drunk and chatting with her. And now that she's nearby, I totally lose my nerve and disappear. So, because I've not really been doing much else, I don't have a whole lot in mind to distract me. Just painful reevaluation.

So, read some books, hopefully blow my mind, think about new things, maybe post about them. In time, I'll probably communicate with her, she's not one to hold a grudge. I may have missed my chance with her, but maybe not. Hopefully I will eventually get my head out of my ass and remember how to interact with people again. If not, it could be a long, painful existence.

Results (part 2)

So I sent that offline message. I told her I'd be online later between like 5 and 7. Sure enough, when I appeared offline, she was there. I immediately started to panic. I felt my heart beat getting more intense, louder in my ears. I couldn't think. I signed in for real, no ghosting around. I double clicked her name, I had the window open. Then I froze.

I was thinking to myself, what do I say? Should I just say hey? How's it going? Should I be all intense and ballsy? Maybe that crazy fucker in Dr. Strangelove was half-right, right that we're being poisoned, wrong about it being fluoride. Xenoestrogens, like bisphenol-A. Synthetic chemicals that mimic estrogen in the body, but are not broken down like estrogen, and in fact have been accumulating in our environment for decades now. Controversial effects have been postulated. Even so, lame excuse; I am so riddled with girl-hormones that I don't know how to take the initiative. Fuck I hope that's not true.

It's like not too late to go out even, and I've already resigned myself to hiding. I may slink out to a bar for a night-cap, but even that is unlikely at this point. Do I really think of myself as unworthy of human affection? Am I unreasonably scared of disease? Am I just unable to allow myself to be happy? Why do I keep sabotaging myself? Do I feel unworthy of rest and company? What have I done so wrong that I'd condemn myself to a life of solitude?

I might be more likable if I was mostly sedated. Even some mild brain damage might make me more relateable. I'm like, yah computers, I know how you feel. Wasted. And not in the good way.

I probably want to get my shit together, get the fuck back out of the rents house, get a better job or secure a loan for further schoolin'. Why not wait until I'm done school? OR after the loans are paid? Or after I have my own house? Or after I retire? Yeah, that'll be fun, talking junior to his first day of school at like 71 years old. So go now? ...I cannot.

I'm going to look back at my life someday, and see it as a long string of crushing failures punctuated with minor success' and terrible trade offs. And yet, I feel powerless to change. I'm like, fuck I'm such a scumbag, nobody would want me, and this girl goes "I do", and I'm like, well you must not know me well enough yet. Perhaps if I jerk you around you will see me in a less flattering light. Like, I'm like driving her away, and reaching out when I'm drunk. Wow, I might be a cliche.

I need to do some serious neural pruning I think, too much in my startup files. Gotta trim the fat, less processes running, more focus. Too much information flying around my head, it's like, here's the cynic view, the optimist view, the rich man's view, the crazy man's view, and the religious man's view, all working off the same sensory data, all fighting over how to interpret it. It's not that I have different voices in my head or different personalities(I don't think), but that I can shift my perspective easily to imagine my interests and priorities are different.

Tick-tock, tick-tock. Time's a wasting. I'm sitting here digging in my shit while she's counting down the time she has left in town. What a jerk I must be. Maybe I will make that night-cap after all. Dread and shame right now. Not much fun.

"When life's hard, you have to change"
-Blind Melon

Going to listen to that I think. Good luck.

Results (part 1?)

So, she came and got me, quite late at night.
We drove around for a while, talking, listening to music, smoking.
I could barely stand to look at her. She looked good. It hurts me that I didn't tell her.
I was like paralyzed with fear whenever I felt the sexual energy. But at the same time, I don't think it was a matter of blood for my brain being redirected elsewhere, just like overload. I'm like, ok, if I initiate something, where will it go? And I just don't know. And I stop. And I'm listening and looking and thinking, "What is she thinking? Does she want me to kiss her? She's talking right now. Am I sick with some infectious disease I haven't been diagnosed with?" That sort of thing. She checked the time, I said let's 'Head'er back" or something equally eloquent.

Still though, overall, hardly had my foot in my mouth the whole time. Very few awkward silences. Why couldn't I make a move? What's my block? It's like fucking deja vu; I get down to the beach in a car, and end up talking for an hour, and driving home. One time I initiated, and I achieved some measure of success. Why then, am I seemingly unable to do so again?

Was it because we drove around so long I started to sober up? Even though it was only a little, was it enough to shatter my confidence? I should have invited her in, I realize now that I'm on my second drink since returning. God, what an idiot. I can't even remember what we talked about. I remember a snippet about being religious when it's convenient. Fish tattoo. Fish in general. She had a pipe shaped like a fish. She was wearing glasses. Brown pants. It's like, I spaced out when I was thinking about saying something to lead us, well, together, at least temporarily. When I'd zone back in, I'd lose my nerve and mutter or something.

I don't think I pandered, which is always unappealing. I hope I wasn't too harsh either. Sometimes I can be a little quick on the draw with my comments. What is she thinking now? What does she think of me? Does she think I only like her when I'm drunk? That is not the case, but I can understand how one could think that. I am often much more truthful with regard to my inner thoughts when I am intoxicated. Thus, I am able to tell her how I feel a bit when I'm drunk, not because I'm only attracted to her drunk, but because I've only got the nerve to tell her drunk. Lame excuse or not, it's like fuck, I know I like her, why can't I tell her. I'm angry and laughing at the same time. It's like fuck Marc, you're so stupid sometimes.

So again, overall, it was fun. It was stressful, but that was exciting. I hope she isn't insulted by my not getting sexual. I would like to try this again, perhaps sober from the start, see how that works. Start earlier too, don't wait until 1:30am to get things rolling. More time to ease closer.

What have I learned; I am attracted to her, I still have difficult initiating, marijuana and light alcohol intoxication doesn't cut through the difficulty, I am still concerned that I might be unworthy or apparently unclean, and I AM able to spend time alone with her without it being too awkward. If we had been sitting side-by-side, I'd have put my arm around her, and that would have been a good start. I should try and watch that DVD with her tomorrow, that would certainly provide the right kind of circumstances.

I'll probably send her an offline message(hopefully she's offline) after this telling her that I thought she looked good. Chicks dig that sorta thing. Better late than never I figure. Well, again, time will tell on this one. Good luck.

Almost Microscopic

Scrub Typhus. Chiggers. Red-Bugs. Blood-Bugs.

So I'm not crazy. Well, at least the tiny red bugs are real.
And with winter approaching, they won't be around long.
I saw one and freaked out a bit. Doing laundry now, at 1:30am.

A hurricane is coming. Might technically be here now. I don't know what the radar is showing, haven't tuned into the weather network for a bit. I used to watch a lot of the weather network. It was my get really high and space out channel. Others prefer the listings channel. I admit, it's pretty funny when you realize you've been trying to figure out what to watch for an hour and a half. You watch what you could be watching. Kinda sad too. At least the weather network has fun weather facts and some soothing muzak.

I like storms. Ice storms, wind storms, snow storms, I like all of them. Mind you, I might not enjoy cleaning up after a flood or a prolonged power outage, but I do enjoy a good thunder and lightning. It's like fireworks. One time, in the middle of winter, I was in my basement when the phone rang. I answered, and my friend said frantically "Did you see that?" on cue, the sky I could now see from the bottom the stairs lit up, and the house shook with a strange rumble. My friend explained he had just seen the same thing and immediately called me. He lived at the time about a 10 minute drive away, I'm not sure how far, maybe 20 kilometres max. This was the talk of the school yard the next day, but was quickly forgotten by most(I assume).

I'm not sure what kind of lightning occurs over such a long distance at what is obviously less than the speed of light, in the dead of winter, with no storm to speak of. I have not yet researched this online, but you can bet I will after this post. Maybe before I finish even, I'll read up and comment further.

Interesting; it seems that onions, possibly garlic, and definitely grapes and raisins and similar fruits are toxic to dogs. Bad for cats too. I read even a broth from around a roast that was cooked with a lot of onions shouldn't go to the dog, whoops. Must remember to tell the old man about that, keep our dog in good shape.

Getting tired now, nodding off a bit. Hopefully the rain is falling pleasantly to lull me to sleep. It might be tomorrow night that my lady-friend comes by for a visit. Though, in retrospect, she may have been joking about when she was coming. But I don't think so.

Mega Man 9 (to be continued?)

I'm so close, but and so far.

I am at Wily's castle, level 4. It starts out with a bunch of lasers that need the cement block to block them. Or, you can run through, but you may end up heavily damaged. After that, you must face the 8 robot masters from earlier in the game all over again. This time though, you are guaranteed to have each of their weaknesses.

After beating all of them, a teleporter appears in the middle of the room. You enter it, and find yourself facing a large bone-headed robo-lizard. The lizard hovers a bit, and proceeds to walk back and forth, spitting some sort of armoured eggs at you. You must bounce them off of the robo -lizard twice before hitting them into his head a third time. If the armoured egg-bomb hits his feet, it will not hurt him. I have been able to hit him maybe twice so far in the same life, about 5 times total. When I do hit him, it seems to take off a crumb or two, maybe at the most 5, of standard mega man/robot master health units. His ass is hard.

We have already seen Wily this game flying around in his UFO, will I have to shoot that down as well? I hope so. will I go back and get all the challenges finished up? Hard to say. I'll probably play through again with proto man next month. I'm also curious about endless mode. Good purchase overall. Would recommend to fans of Mega Man games, especially Mega Man 2. Lots too be said there, but that's a post for another day.

late night reflections (changing growth)

So, last night, I stayed up until well, this morning, chatting with the girl I have been chatting up as of late. Apparently, she will be in my vicinity in the near future. She wishes to spend time with me. This excites and frightens me. I know, I said no more whining, but I guess I'm not as good at directing my thoughts as I thought.

I'm excited, because I like her, at least somewhat, and she wants to spend time with me, thus proving she likes me at least somewhat as well. I don't want to be broke, and have no cigarettes or marijuana. I may even want to drink, but I'll play that by ear I think. That's the first time I've really thought of this as going to happen. Not even that we're necessarily going to have sex or anything, just being alone together for an extended period of time, I'm worried I'll talk too much and say something regrettable. I'm also worried, as it's been a while, that I'm out of practice, and may 'arrive early'. Hell, even if I don't, it's not as though I've had much practice to work off of.

Well, what's the worst that could happen? I could make an ass of myself, apologize profusely, and never be able to face her again. That might be just cutting to the chase really. I'm not too worried about her spreading shit about me, as she's a fairly good person, and I don't think I'll do anything too shameful.

I guess, I could live with that. It's the, really liking each other, wanting to spend more time together, getting serious stuff that really scares me. Har-har. Stereotypical. And she's not sending me any signals like about wanting to be exclusive or anything, so I don't know why I'm so worried. Typing it out relieves the pressure a bit, but I don't want to be lulled into a false sense of security. I just don't want to open up, and for some reason, I think with her I might.

Will I be around? Or will I disappear at the bottom of a bottle? Will I drive around listening to CBC radio for a week until I figure she's left town, just so I don't have to grow and change? Time marches on, so it's really unavoidable, change. Growth, well, that too, might be unavoidable. Just how you grow that changes. Changing growth. Sounds like a buzz-word.

Time will tell how I behave. I suspect I will spend time with her. How it will go, I do not know. I'll probably borrow some cash so I don't have to hit her up for smokes, that's never fun. We've got this DVD to watch, I'm not sure where's best for that yet. Maybe we'll just go for a drive, smoke some grass, drink some coffee. If that goes well and I'm not shooting lightning out of my spine, then I guess I'll invite her back here for the DVD, maybe suggest a stop at the liquor store, if I feel it might be a good idea. It may be that I'll already have something just in case I can't shake the jitters.

Am I more concerned with the environment than the company, exactly what my dream warned me of? Or am I also like the dream, delaying the intimacy because I know deep down there's nothing there, and when we finally are alone, we'll both lose interest? Fer-fuck's-sakes, I think too much. Does it matter either way? Don't I want to find out what will happen? If I get hurt down the road, well, at least I'll be doing something in the meantime. There's a corny quote about that, I'd rather not repeat it here.

So wish me luck if you're not me and you're reading this. And if you are me, update the people on how it went. At least typing it out might help you get your head straight. Now, back to Mega Man 9...