Switch Back(Downshift?)

Ok, so maybe I misread that.

The situation, not the post. Maybe I was still high from last night, or the coffee was extra stimulating, but already, just a few hours later, Ive lost my luster. Karma perhaps, for improper conduct?

I don't know! FUCK! This is frustrating!

If free will is an illusion, than bravo mr. magician, because I'm fooled.

***

Theremin's are pretty cool. Maybe I'll try and pick one up. Maybe just a talkbox for the ole git.

Some Wii points for sure. Fore shore...


... no robot parts but robot hearts. Shut down emotions chip.

Often-wrong Soong, what would you do?


I'm such a nerd.

flip-flop. Stop typing mid-message. Should I do it? Can I pull it off? I know it won't kill me, but, but.... but something anyway.

There, I did it. Well, usually I just disappear in a bottle for a week until I'm in the clear, so, I guess this is an improvement. Now I can disappear into a bottle guilt free! Yeah right.

Star Trek TNG, those were the days. Smoke a little weed, never bad tripped, so not scared of acid or pcp. No bills to pay, still in high school. Not a whole lot different than now really, just more social. And more naive, innocent, and blissfully ignorant.

That was back before I picked apart reality, looked behind the curtain. I feel the lightning sneaking up on me. Have to be careful what I say I guess.

Ok, so maybe I've had too much coffee and I'm a little paranoid. Talking about projects earlier, maybe I shouldn't have capitalized them as though they are important and code words. That's all I need, some suit coming over and asking me question about Project Green Dragon, fucking waste his time, I'm sure he'll be pleased about that.

Over sensitive to sound now. Damn, and I was doing so well.

Presently, I sigh, and give up. I surrender to my choices, and prepare to face to consequences.

My heart beats too fast for a moment, sound startling me more than it should. Medication follows.

Placebo effect felt instantly, ahhh, relief is coming. Eat some bacon, delicious.







Ok, the bacon jokes are awesome, and I totally understand. But this bacon salt is a video I found on my way to Mr. Gaffigan's Bacon tirade, and I must say; I am intrigued.

I hope that the border patrol doesn't have a link to my blog when I try to enter the United States next. But back to Bacon. Yes, I capitalized it.

So this Bacon Salt appears to be a real product. I am surely going to have to keep an eye out for it. They say on the website that someone tried it with ice cream. I had bacon with ice cream once. I was at McDonald's and noticed the 'make it bacon for 49 cents' sign, and decided to order the cheapest thing there and 'make it bacon'. So, I ordered a small cone, probably vanilla, which was about 50 cents at the time, so the whole thing cost me just over a dollar. It was pretty good, the hot and cold, salty and sweet, the co mingling of the normally opposing flavours in artificial harmony.

Wouldn't it be freaky if you walked through a dark area of your house with a drink, and something fell in, but you didn't notice until the end? Like an earwig, or some horror-movie alien thing? And you only noticed when it hit your lips. Or maybe you didn't notice.

I guess accidental ingestion is what I mean is freaky. You suddenly realize you ingested something other than what you intended to. Perhaps some unknown substance with unknown effects. So you wait, terrified, to see if you live through the night.

Is it dark in here?

I think I'm going to have to order this Bacon Salt online.

Now I'm getting sluggish. No more placebo.

Reading about video games now. Winding down for sleep.
Have a good one.

Shift

I shifted.

I went from being focused on my genitals to like, science again.

You know how it is, for a month or so you masturbate every chance you get, 3 times a day if possible. Then you just lose interest, like you got all that backed-up fluid out of your system, and now can resume normal life. You feel a little embarrassed because you were so irrational for a while, but you're back now.

So now, I'm less concerned with my future, and more concerned with OUR future. Humanity's. Maybe that's not the shift. Maybe I went from looking to the future, to looking to the present.

Anyway, I felt the shift. It was like a lightening of mood. A loss of desperation. A clarity of mind.

So now, it's like; "Lighten up man, you're bumming me out".

I wonder; is my speech slipping? Am I too informal? Or is it necessary to be profane from time to time? Cut out the 'OK's and 'alright's. I don't do a lot of 'ummmm' and 'uhhhh' -ing, but that's more about public speaking than word choice.

Remembering now. Myself as well as my environment. Feels like I've been cut off from part of my memories for a while, and only recently reincorporated them into my psyche. I wonder why that is.

Neural pruning perhaps. Increasing my brain's efficiency. Just thinking about it gives me a mind-boner.

I'm going to have to start work on a few projects. Project Green Dragon for sure. Project Weed-Egg needs to be clarified, but it's probably ready to go. Adding Project Morning Glory to the to do list might be an idea. Project Seeds and Project Pods can wait as far as I'm concerned. I just named these now, so don't be surprised if you don't know what they're all about.

I might take a walk later, I like the smells of Autumn.

K O R I T F W

Watch the weather change

Fuck this whiny BS.

I've been distracted for sure.

Listen to some tool, it helps to remember.

Headphones are helpful.

Wait, is this what...

*smack*

Go cower in another mind.

Where's my squeegee?

I've got to clean my 'windows'.

Monday

Monday.
The start of the work-week.
Pay week this week, that's good.
Already spending the cash in my head.

Doesn't look like I'm going to make it to Moncton this weekend.
I'll try and blame it on cash I think, but we'll know it's because I'm cowardly.

While it is true, that my buying a train ticket would leave me broke for a week, that is not the real reason why I'm not going to go. I think anyway.

What is the real reason then? Too much pressure? Fear?
But of what. Change? Loss? Loss of what, innocence? Not likely.

Identity maybe. For so long, I have been alone, and have been shaped by that, even defined by my solitude, that I am afraid to let someone else in. It's not even like she's saying she wants a relationship or anything, she just wants me to come stay with her for a visit. Watch some dvds, even have a couch to sleep on should I not feel up to preforming. She bought some pork just in case I do go, so I'll have some meat to eat, as she's almost a vegetarian.

The guilt is terrible now.

Is she buying stuff to try and lure me? I remember; one time she was supposed to come to town to fix her car. When her car was unable to make it, she came anyway. When I asked about this, I got the impression she may have come just to see me. She did not directly say this, but I did not try to clarify. Am I unwilling to make the trip just to see her? I know if I had a concert or some other excuse to go, it would be easier.

I've never really left town to go see someone just to hang out for a day or two. Always had a concert to go to to make the trip worthwhile. There's the guilt; is it not worthwhile to go and see a friend? You despicable bastard you.

I'm reminded now of a time when a friend came to visit and we ate mushrooms together. At some point, we experienced a miscommunication. We are no longer friends. At least, not like we were. We can be civil, and even occasionally hang out with mutual friends and be alright. But it's not the same. I've got my guard up all the time, gotta watch what I say, I can't relax, drinking helps, but then I get nervous about losing control. So it's easier to just avoid. Avoid intense situations, and people that make me nervous. Seems reasonable.

But what if sexual tension makes me nervous? There's no if about it, it does. So, should I avoid any situation that is remotely sexual? Duh, that's sounds like a bad idea. What about for now? What if I avoid sex for a while, get my head straight and my work in order before I go hunting? Will it be any easier then, after I've stabilized? Or will it be harder, with more time since my last foray into the bedroom?

Bah, enough of this. If free will is an illusion, then I have no choice in the matter anyway.

That's a big if though.

No conclusion yet, just chewing on some ideas. I may yet go to Moncton, but I'm leaning towards cowering at home. It's like my gut is telling me "No, not yet, there's work to be done". I want to listen to my gut, but my head is arguing; "What work? If you only get one life, do you want to waste it working? You can always leave her if she gets too heavy.". My loins chime in; "Yeah! You ain't afraid of a little disease are yah? You ain't gettin' any younger either, so get to fuckin' already!". They all make such good arguments.

So I'm back where I started. Unsure, just sort of leaning gut-wise. I'll probably end up ignoring the decision until it's too late, and I'll have already made it by missing the train. Does knowing this help me at all, I wonder? Am I helpless to change it? Maybe I'm more interested in what comes next. Maybe I assume I won't be going anywhere, and I want to see how it all plays out. No more painful plans hopefully. Just let myself fade into the background.

Time will tell, as always.