Brain Vomit

what is my deal anyway?
I can't figure out if I want to be an unknown hermit or a famous, i dunno, something.
Do i need recognition?
I don't know anyone else quite like me.
I'm a paranoid drug addict
I feel wasted(not in the fun way, like unused or misspent)
I worry that my health deteriorates
There is a good chance i will die with unfinished business
I guess knowing that helps

I'm pissed off about half the time, the other half I'm depressed(Fear and Loathing?)
I wish i knew more clearly what i want from life

If I ever get rich, I'm going to hire a personal dental hygienist to floss me every day
I'd like a house someday, with a yard
Or at least a car big enough to sleep in
Fuck it

You see, that gets me
Money IS the root of all evil
It has me chasing a bunch of shit I don't need.
"The things you own end up owning you"
to quote a friend of mine

I feel like I never really say what I'm thinking
Maybe when I'm drunk and on serious uppers
Even then, I open my mouth to speak, but my feet immediately take residence in my mouth
Which leads to avoiding people

I don't remember ever getting laid

there I said it, fuck

Now, I'm getting older, expectations are getting higher,
And I'm still stuck in middle school
Sexually anyway

So, I avoid potentially embarrassing situations
Unless I'm drunk, then I hit on my friend's girlfriend
which makes me hate myself a little
I guess I'm not really that good of a friend

I hate my job
I hate my life
I hate what I have become
I hate myself for not becoming what i could have

and it's "na-na-na-na-na-na-na nooooooooo- body's fault but mine"

How did I end up so different?
I started out in the usual way
I did the usual things
I guess I'm only fooling myself
I am the nerd, through and through

Everyone I see looks unhappy to me
I wish i could help them, but I can't even make myself happy

I don't need unlimited resources
I don't need a car
I don't need video games, CDs, DVDs, my guitars or my laptop
I don't need coffee, cigarettes, booze, weed, pills or powders
I don't need a degree
I don't need a house
I don't need fame and distinction

I need food, water, and air
That's it, that's all
Everything else is gravy

I should purge myself of my possessions
Give away or sell my stuff
Hit the road with a backpack full of clothes, and see where the wind carries me
It's just so cold

fuckit, maybe i should go see a doctor and get a script for Valium or something
just chill the fuck out and go with the flow
keep working, pay down the credit line
and then....
fuck, that's no good either

exist to continue existing
circular logic if ever there was

"I want something good to die for, to make it beautiful to live"
-QotSA "Go With the Flow"

Is that so much to ask?
Perhaps I already have/know things worth dying for,
and I'm just so shit-scared to get burned by Big Brother, the Illuminati, or God
that I let it fade

Is the search for meaning a meaning in itself?

Maybe the belief that a higher meaning exists is bad
It would certainly taint the everyday joys, rendering them meaningless in the 'Big Picture'
Is there even a Big Picture, or just an infinite amount of small pictures with no consensus reality?

This is why I never say what's really on my mind
These questions have no easy answers
So, I'll go about my day, keeping my head down and my mouth shut as much as possible
Only occasionally surfacing to rant and rave
But I grow weary of this foolish dance