Ouch

I just got off the phone with the girlfriend.
She's at work, working nights.
We were talking a little bit sexually, being a little dirty and what not, and she asks me;

"Did I ever tell you Stephane(her ex) used to say his super hero name was Testiclees, and his power was that he could turn his right testicle into anything he wanted?"

I was like, damn, there goes my sexual arousal indicator. Why does she have to bring up old fuck-face when we're talking about us and our sexual activities? I was not too pleased, but I kept it to myself mostly. I did suggest at the end of the call that she read more about dirty-sexual things(as she had been in a Cosmo magazine) than about asshole-y ex boyfriends.

It makes me feel bad to hear her talk about her ex fondly. Like fuck, what, do you miss him? Do you remember how miserable he made you? How you tried to cheat on him with me, only I was too dumb to realize it?

And then there's that; she was willing to cheat on him with me. How do I know she won't be willing to cheat on me with someone she's working with now? What about when I go to school in the fall, or when I start working more. What if she gets lonely?

Would I forgive her if she did cheat on me? Would that be a mistake? Would it be like telling her it's ok, you don't need to be exclusive with me, so long as I get my turn too. That's not how I feel.

She's given me no reason to be suspicious really. I don't think I am suspicious either. It's just frustrating sometimes to hear talk about her previous relationships or her male friends. It's like, I come off as an asshole if I tell her that one of her friends is into her. She said her previous boyfriend had a problem with her hanging out with so many guys(like me), and that strained their relationship. But wasn't he right? I was one of the guys he didn't like her hanging out with.

And Michelle keeps insisting her friends are just that; friends. Nothing more. But like, doesn't she know what happens when people get drunk? You make bad decisions, forget important things(like your boyfriend perhaps?), and make mistakes. Is it wrong of me to not want her to get drunk with her guy friends?

For instance; there was this guy that would drive her around all the time. He even drove me with her when I came to visit before we started going out. The first time I came to visit, I got drunk, and asked the guy flat-out if he liked her. He told me that yes, he does like her. I asked if he had a problem with me, and he said no, as long as Michelle is happy.

Now, I pointed this out to her shortly thereafter. I did so in a way that would perhaps spare the fellow's feelings, by saying I suspect he has an interest in her. She brushed this off, saying no no, we're just friends, and that I was foolish to think otherwise.

A few months down the road, it had become glaringly obvious to everyone that this fellow had an interest in m'lady, to the point where he left town as he can no longer stand to see her with me. When all this came to light, she basically said that yes, she knew he liked her, but that she was sort of in denial. Like, she thought he would give up and become interested in another, or he would hit on her, and she would reject him, and that would be that.

But the key thing is, she knew he liked her, she continued to hang out with him, and what's more, she denied it when I asked her. What am I to think? Is this supposed to inspire confidence?

And we're heading to our home town this week, and she wants to hang out with him, and possibly get drunk. I am wary of this, as I was when she suggested we drink together long ago to avoid her parents. I don't want to get involved in a three-some, and then not be able to look Michelle in the eye anymore.

I don't know why I'm so jealous. I wish I wasn't. It just seems sometimes like she's not giving me the whole story, or she's not satisfied with me. Maybe I'm being unreasonable, I don't know. I just know how guys think, and I think she underestimates their/our horniness.

So, should I bring this up with her? Or just keep my mouth shut? I don't really know.

I feel like this is Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, and I just want to enjoy things while they last. May random find you well.
\m/