a good night

So I woke up tired, that's always fun. The coffee barely did a thing.
I really only woke up after work was done.
In time to go to the liquor store, go for a coffee, and go listen to some CBC radio.
For you non-Canadians who made their way here, CBC is sort've like BBC, but Canadian, instead of British. It's radio with no commercials, lots of talk, audience call-ins, live interviews, news, political in-depth coverage, As It Happens with Barbara Budd and Carol Off is probably my favourite. I do like quirks and quarks, ideas, white coat black art, L.O.L., DNTO, Vinyl Tap(Oh man! If Randy read this, I'd be so pumped!), and even Q, though not always.

I sometimes would like to work at CBC radio, as I really enjoy the programming, and it's a government owned company(crown corporation we calls 'em), so, it shouldn't have too many shady practices. I always hated working for companies that asked me to do unethical things. Ugh, one time, when I was working at a restaurant, it is a large chain, I won't say it's name out of courtesy(and for fear of corporate MIB lawyers coming to do 'whatever it takes' to keep me quiet), but basically, they had anticipated a Mother's Day rush, which for some reason didn't happen. So, the excess stock we had in anticipation of this holiday, which normally lasts only about 2 days after marinating, was in the fridge for three, then four, five days, at least. When I walked into the walk-in cooler, and it smelled like bad meat, I told my manager, not the supervisor, the manager, that I was concerned for the safety of our customers. I was told to cook the meat using the first in first out rule, regardless of 'expiration dates'. I told the staff to not eat anything from the meat in question on their breaks(back then, we could eat for free at work, imagine, a restaurant employee not having to bring a lunch, what if all businesses... post for another day).

Now, the reason I put up with this bullshit among other thing I won't bother to mention, was because this was my first job, and I was afraid to be fired, and didn't know my rights. Now, I have since learned I have the right to refuse unsafe or unlawful work, and that there are plenty of people looking to hire someone with my particular skill set. Or at least, people easily fooled into thinking that I am the type of person they are looking for. Though, I prefer not to be deceptive, especially with regard to employment. It tends to come back to you. I did once leave a job before I was even done the training, they paid me in cash, but in all fairness, I had planned to work as I had agreed, but my health took a turn for the worse, and I was forced to relocate to benefit from health insurance(Crohn's initial diagnosis followed).

Now, I am not certain that CBC is run entirely ethically, in fact, I'd be quite surprised if anything was. But I'd still like to be a part of that environment, even if only as an 'idea man' in the background. I guess I'll start sending in my thoughts and perhaps calling in from time to time. What's the worst that could happen? Black helicopters descend on my house and abduct me in that night, taking me to some secret government installation, interrogating me about my paranoid rants, leaving me drugged in some ditch, unaware I have numerous drug tolerances, and that their amnesiacs will not work at the standard dosage? Ok, that sounds pretty awesome.

And that's the worst case scenario? Well, ok, they could just shoot me dead. But I mean, that too leads to the great mystery of beyond-life. Am I an optimist when I'm drunk or something? Maybe it's the sweet sweet ser... ax-ualy, never mind.

Now, down to business, what I REALLY had on my mind tonight.

Mankind; what's our destiny?
We seem to think we doomed ourselves with pollution, but to me, that seems unlikely.
I've heard that even Pluto is warming up, it's a solar system wide phenomenon, not just Earth, and thus, likely not man made. If this is the case, is this not perhaps an incitation of evolution? I will elaborate momentarily. Even if it is entirely man made, could it not serve the same function as a natural cataclysm? Are we in any way separate from the natural order? Are our thought processes an evolution of instincts? Basically hard-wired response built upon our experiences? Or something more; free will.

Either way, what does our future hold? Can we colonize space? Can we save the Earth before we render it too toxic to support life? Can we use technology to clean up our messes? Will we eventually roam the universe at will, potentially spending every moment of our lives in a completely new experience? Will we someday conquer death? What does the future hold? Will we evolve to exist within a higher-dimensional reality once we have mastered this one? What would new dimensions be like? If time is our fourth dimension, what could the fifth be like?

People(Pinchbeck) talk about the possibility of a hive-mind around winter solstice 2012, but it's really hard to imagine how that would be implemented. Then again, I can remember in my youth, being unable to 'read the signals' sent by a lady friend until well after the fact. If we had been of one mind(which we basically were anyway), the coded speaking would not have been necessary, and we could have ...

She specifically used the words 'summer-fling', that put me off. Maybe it had nothing to do with miscommunication. Then again, maybe she said what she thought I wanted to hear. Hive-mind might clear up some of that type of confusion.

I heard something on the radio today about people in an anti-war group that ended up on a terrorist watch list. They were all in a huff complaining their privacy had been violated by the (US) government spying on them . My beef with that is, in this day and age, with cameras at every store, every atm, even some highway mile posts, not to mention the stuff we don't know about. You can see cars with google earth, just imagine how good the resolution really is. I guess, to expect privacy, in my opinion, is unreasonable. Now, I break the law, even write about it here, but I do it in ways that don't hurt anyone. I stay home, I eat, which is sometimes hard to do with my Crohn's, I laugh more than I might sober. I do cough and spit more than I'd like, but it's much better than wasting away and wiping blood.

Sorry for the graphic image just now, but it illustrates my point. Still, sorry again, I hope no one was eating as they read it.

Kief is delicious. I don't see the need to press it. It's great as is.

I just accidentally talked to my parents for a few minutes, about a friend of mine with a kid, and I'm like, what the fuck was that about? I forget now how it came up, but I assume I brought it up out of nowhere, or basically made a long reaching connection to discuss it. I feel bad now, for my friend, separated from his child by a woman he doesn't love(I presume). I have friends that have been raised with only one parent. Actually, they turned out probably the best, they both have houses and usually good jobs and steady girlfriends. Maybe it's for the better.

But the thing I mentioned was, that one time, while a few of us that are really close we're on a good bender, like day 2, a few hours before the end basically, he talked about his kid. He may have had tears in his eyes, and he told us, me and the other of our main trio(there were others there, but less important), that he wanted us to meet his kid someday. We had been up for at least 30 hours, smoking weed, cocaine too probably, doing lines of blow, eating speed too as I recall, smoking something we were told was opium, but it was green, so god knows what it was. I woke up later that night. All I could see was stars, and I though I was outside. I tried to get up, but found the ground much more flexible than I expected. I realized then, that I was on a bed, in a completely dark room, staring out a large window with no curtains.

I was alarmed somewhat, as last I remembered, we were smoking that opium stuff and chilling out for a bit, somewhere around three pm I believed. It was now almost ten pm, and I couldn't remember when I had gone to bed. I made my way down the hall, and entered the well lit kitchen. I looked around; half full drinks, partially smoked joints and line residue littered the area. I began cleaning up with the drinks, trying to hold my impending hangover at bay. I gathered the empties(after emptying them) and discarded the major garbage, and already the place was looking better. I decided to wander back to the room I had woken up in.

This was the home of a semi-professional athlete. His family was gone, but it was his room I had passed out in. I did a quick search in hope of finding some Dexedrine or Ritalin. What I found however, was a large bottle of seemingly illicitly pressed pills, stashed in a cabinet. I proceeded to take one, expecting some mild stimulation. Judging by the amount he had, he must take more than one at a time generally, I thought, surely one won't do too much.

After my friend, the only other person there, and the only one who really knew the owners of the house, woke up, we cleaned pretty quickly. After we had finished gathering the empties and drinking the half fulls, I began to feel my heart beat quite hard. I realized that this was not a regular upper, but a steroid of some kind(well, I deduced I guess, who know what it was really). After making sure my friend was ok to restore the house and leaving him a little pot, I proceeded to walk about 11km home in the middle of the night.

I went most of the night at a jog almost, it was incredible. Not pleasant though, like speed or ecstasy, just pure energy, do with it what you will. Like, so much energy, if you tried to stay still, you'd probably twitch or have a seizure or something. I should have grabbed a few more for the road, being that he had a good 100 to 200 of these pills. I wonder even now, how much of this substance did he take? Did his balls shrink to like impotency? Poor fucker, he never made it pro as far as I know.

***

I insufflated half a pill. I know, binders and fillers. And benzos aren't hardly water soluble. But it works somewhat, and much quicker than ingestion. Sometimes though, insufflation seems to increase the likelihood of a blackout.

I've also smoked magic mushrooms and perceived effects, but that's a story for another day as well.

I wonder if I should see about getting a prescription for an anti-anxiety med for myself. They do seem to work wonders for me, though I have been known to abuse them. Perhaps it is best if I just use them as they become available, and not actively seek them out.

It had been a while since I had snorted anything. My nose was feeling pretty good actually But, I don't think that a half a 30mg oxazepam is going to greatly irritate my sinuses. Especially because it's a 'repeat offender'.

I'm sorry, I seem to have turned away from thoughts of possible futures to current intoxication. Perhaps it would be best if I ended the post now. Good luck to you all, may random find you well, and I'll see you in the future!
-Marc

thing-king hoard

Ok, so, after my 'good luck as of late', of course, I became vomitously ill. Nothing too unpleasant, aside from the strong taste of bile. I wasn't even that drunk (or so I thought). I also made a nice pyramid pattern on the floor with my empties. With a full pyramid, it'd be a shame to bring home another bottle of whiskey Maybe just a few beer (...coholic) to boost the other stuff. I hope that comes. Little yellow fives. Supposed to be en masse, but even if I got like half or a third of what I was going to, I'd do alright. Get ready to wake up confused! "Isn't it like 8pm? What happened?" Anterograde amnesia. The WD is pretty shitty too, must not increase dosage too far. I guess whatever happens is all good.

I had a dream recently, not sure when, but recently. I was waiting in line at a cafeteria or restaurant, trying to buy some pancakes. They were on plates, with a side of bacon or sausage, I can't be sure which now, maybe either. I seem to recall getting closer to the pancakes, even picking up a plate, even a fork and knife. But I don't recall eating them. Maybe a bite of bacon. Did I drizzle the syrup? I don't know anymore, what was a dream, and what am I now imagining because I'm hungry. I remember meal hall at university. I think I transposed meal hall with the cheap bench tables from middle school. Sounds like a dream now, maybe that's why I was confused.

I think middle school used the same tables as elementary. I just had a flash of me going through the elementary school line, all old and beardy like I am now. Sounds like prison a bit, but more pleasant.

Is this what I want? An end to decision making? No more choices? That doesn't sound right. But then again, is free will even real? Do I have a choice now? If I had a steady supply of interesting things to do, would I be satisfied with that? Pointless speculation. With a changing mind, one's interests would inevitably change, and one would inevitably find what they are doing to no longer be as satisfying as it once was. That's like infinity. After you've done everything, what do you do for fun? That's probably why we aren't permanent, because we'd go all evil.

This is more bullshit, there's no way to do everything. If the universe is constantly increasing in complexity, we should never run out of new things to do. How do I explain the evil in the world if people should have stuff to do? Well, I don't know, I guess evil is more complicated then just getting bored with goodness. I'm satisfied with the 'I don't know' answer, for now at least.

8 6 2, seven eight, 2 6 3, seven eight nine....

Good tune.

Drinking pretty steadily tonight. I started at about 5. I had to deal with some cell phone company on hold waiting bullshit. Not fun. It was right after I finished my call centre job as well, so, I hung up the phone to go make a half hour call. I should have gotten stoned first.

So, I've been logged into the ole E-Buddy doing an avatar slide show for about a half hour. I don't even know if anyone is watching. But, there may be someone online that I hope is watching. Nothing lewd, I should say. I have no photos of that nature on my computer. Plenty online.

Got iTunes on shuffle. I have good music. A thought occurs to me; should I buy more alcohol tomorrow? I remember now; I am supposed to be acquiring an alternative tomorrow. I hope that works out.

Alcohol is acceptable though. I seem to have had much luck with it as of late. Not too bad in the hangover department, no DUI, not broke. Haven't been vomitous-sick in a little while, a week at least. I even had two drinks earlier and sobered up before I got to the night's REAL drinking. I should probably close the chat, as I'm no longer sober enough to trust my judgement. I'm kinda like the guy in this video right now;



Generally though, I'd say something more like "Let's interface our genitals" or something equally robotic. It usually gets a laugh, but my eyes let her know I'm serious. Sometimes her eyes return the sentiment, sometimes they don't. That's life; can't win 'em all.

Whoa, did I name a post this same thing before? Crazy deja vu. I'm in an infinite mirror hallway. I am so small and insignificant. Dust in the wind, I am a grain of sand...

...snap back. Here I am. Song is over, time to change. Change - Blind Melon, that's what I'll play. Damn, I didn't log off the chat yet. I'm likely to eat my foot. Knowing that, i still can't close it yet. What if I receive a message?

Kyuss time. \m/

I had a weird sensation in my throat earlier. I wonder what corkscrew esophagus feels like. It was unpleasant, whatever it was. Too many cigarettes I figure. Thoughts now turning to the coming days. Will I get that jazz I'm waiting on? Should I go buy more marijuana or alcohol? I should let any readers know, I do in fact have Crohn's disease, a condition which Health Canada recognizes as potentially benefiting from medical marijuana use. Now, the local gastroenterologist said he believes marijuana only benefits the terminally ill, and it is against his personal beliefs to prescribe it otherwise. Meanwhile, I went from seven pills a day to a few puffs a day. So, yes it is still illegal for me, but I could put up a good fight in court. So, I'm probably not worth trying to prosecute, especially considering I know that juries determine guilt not based on law, but based on personal ethics, I think I could convey the difference quite well in court. Like, if someone stole bread to feed their family, yes the stole, but for a good reason. Yes I consume illegal drugs, but they genuinely help me. But that is a post for another day.

\m/Supa Scoopa & Mighty Scoop!\m/

stream of thought, change of pace,

It's five o'clock somewhere.
How early is too early to start drinking?
I mean in the day, not in life.

It's like everywhere I look there's a sad problem waiting to be fixed. But they don't want to be fixed, just acknowledged. I'm tired of acknowledging. I just want to relax. Is that so much to ask?

I can't even sit and read, I'm too distracted. But is that my fault? Probably, because even if it isn't my fault, it's my fault for sticking around. But should I just up and leave? I don't have money for first and last month's rent, plus damage deposit, plus a deposit on cable, I shouldn't need one for electricity. I'd need a bunch of start up cash.

Also, once I was out again, I'd have to work a lot more. Paying the bills solo, just internet, cable, electricity and food would be enough to cause financial trouble, let alone rent. Still, I could play whatever music I want whenever I want as loud as I want(neighbour permitting). I could drink without being constantly guilted about it. I can already smoke marijuana unrestricted. I could buy only foods I enjoy. That's always fun; when everything in the kitchen is something you know you like.

I miss my deep-fryer. Frying up potatoes almost daily, with various side meats, always tasty.

I'm going to make some green dragon soon, as this requires little to no kitchen use. But, If I had my own place again, I could do many more elaborate procedures. Isolating compounds, combining compounds, synthesizing compounds. Even just growing a few poppies. In time, I'd like to try my hand at brewing and distilling, but the equipment required is typically delicate and expensive. Marijuana is hops' cousin though, so you know we have to try cannabeer.

So, in staying where I am, I limit my options to those that are generally regarded as safe. If I moved out and got my hands dirty, I'd be risking not only potentially deadly toxin exposure, but some serious jail time if my activities attracted any attention. Well, then again, I'd most likely be using RCs, technically not illegal, although I would be using them in ways other than directed. But home distilling and opium production, even if just for personal use, is frowned upon.

I think maybe I've been over-reactive lately. Like any minor set back seems like a major inconvenience. Everything is a personal attack on me as well. Delusions of reference I guess. I think now, that I'm going to be able to keep it together. In the not too distant future, I can see better times. Less pressing stress anyway, and that alone will be a load off my mind. It's not all dependent on me though, so I've got to keep my fingers crossed for the next week or so. After that, I should be in the clear for a bit. Or maybe the calm before the storm. Whichever it is, should be a nice change of pace.

stream of thought from the loner stoner

The Devil and the Deep Blue Sea.
I heard that line in a song today, on SNL, the Killers were the musical guest.
Reminded me of 'Other Side' by Aerosmith.
With the line;

"Lovin' you has got to be,
like the devil and the deep blue sea"

In the killers song, the line comes after something about crossing over.
Cross over, to where, the other side perhaps? With the devil and the deep blue sea? I'm not sure about that jazz. But the rest of the killers song reminds me of my current mental afflictions. Spaceman is the name.

***

Modest Mouse Float On is awesome. The video is so fitting. We'll all float on alright, be the end of the line is always the same.

Dashboard "Well it woulda been coulda been worse than you would ever know". So true. Hopefully about the 'than you will ever know' part. Oh the dashboard melted but we still had the radio!

A pang of sadness. She used to like when I would sing for her, even type-singing.

I'm thinking now about the band Cake, the album Comfort Eagle, the drug LSD. We had some good times, me acid and cake. "His cigarette is burning, but he never seems to ash (ash)".

They say there is a fine line between genius and insanity. I'd say they are two sides of the same coin. There is a certain knowledge that can tear you apart in ways you may never have imagined, perhaps the inspiration for the writings on hell and the inferno. But this knowledge too, can lift you up to the height of a god. But isn't being a god hellish? The balance of knowledge and power is one side of the coin. The unrestrained use of power without knowledge and reason is the other.

Primus now.

"WEEEEEEEEEEEE, uh-EEEEE-eeeee-EEEEeuuh"

Tool now.
Not much thinking going on now. Just things like "Do I have a Valium lying around somewhere?" Took two Benadryl a few minutes ago. I feel bad, as it had been about two weeks since I had taken any. But, I also realize the one night in two weeks is better than missing probably 5 nights in 6 or 8 months. Still though, I should continue to curb my habits. I hate using sayings I don't fully understand, so I had to look up the definition of curb. That's better.

46 & 2
Such a good song.

Now the salival version of pushit, well, live slow version to be more accurate.

I was wondering today if imprecision doesn't often give rise to accidental discoveries. Serendipity I believe is the one word term. Like, "hey, that scribble kinda looks like an awesome rhino", or something similar.

The connectedness of all things weighs heavy. Guilt at the thought of stealing from another before the act, makes it difficult to even carry out. Makes you a better person though. At times, it must be dimmed. I think perhaps that's what alcohol does; brings my thoughts more to a focus on temporal matters. Put me here and now. At least for a while. I have a hard time regulating my intoxication level with alcohol. I seem to always want more. I can't even remember the last time I felt too drunk. But I guess that's a good thing. I anticipate thirst, and buy accordingly.

The benadryl is coming on now. Do I stay up and buzz harder, or sleep now while I'm drowsy? I think I'll try and sleep. Saves biting my tongue. May random find you well. \m/