Ear it a bull

Posterity, how can that be? If it's a consensual dream, if I leave, won't it go with me? Feels like they want me to dance, put on a happy face, don't point out the holes. But I can't look away, i can't eat the shit and say it's candy. The truth is like a vile poison, a dirty disease. Ignorance is bliss. Still, I must share the truth, spread the burden around. Maybe then it won't weigh so heavy on me. Myth's are true as long as you believe them. How can I believe anything if I believe that believing could make it true. Believe in the illuminazi conspiracy. Believe in the alien overlords. Believe in a loving and vengeful God? Believe in success through hard work? That seems like something big brother would approve of.

But is that a demonstration of what I believe? do I believe we are herded and fleeced like sheep. Silenced if we bleat too loudly. The advertising machine seems to be trying too hard to tell me what to think, television in general really. The nuts on the net talk about a prison for our mind, and then offer no real solutions. Send money, I'll send you my official new world order preparation kit! With all 12 DVDs just 399.99$! What a steal.

I'm drawn again to Bill Hicks, and his insistence that it's just a ride. To me, that sounds true. It's true that you can get all worked up over crazy bureaucracy as well, and that that may serve some function to some other elaborate creation, but why? If life is truly about choice, and you can choose anything, i think I'll choose peace. By that I mean, I'll choose to not place importance on competition and social rankings. I will allow myself to be satisfied with each moment as it is, or try to anyway.

It's very confounding. Do our emotions serve a practical function? If we are miserable, is it really because something is wrong with our situation, or because some other wants to see us doing more. Why do I feel hollow? TV wants me to feel incomplete, because I have no job, I'm not really involved in the dynamics of the rat race and the broader social order. I putt around the house, go buy food and drink now and then. I dive headlong into the internet for hours on end, immersed in this sea of possibilities. When I emerge, I often feel cleansed. By temporarily allowing myself to suppose that a crackpot theory is true, and then seeing the various ways in which this might be proven, and then how my life would be different should i find these things to be true, I am better able to suspend disbelief, but also harder to convince.

It's almost as though I'm being presented with many theories on life, and I weigh them each in turn as presented, but so far, they don't seem to hold much water. Great stories, interesting characters, sinister evil, but some key plot element is often missing. Like if someone was to go through the trouble of a multi generational world domination plan, they must have a damn good reason for it. If not, how could they possibly stay motivated to see it through? How could they expect their offspring to pick up the torch just to burn down the house?

Perhaps the people with the power are in fact insane. How could anyone want to wield power over the lives of others? Who wants to make choices that result in the deaths of thousands? All for money? For the freedom to do whatever you want? If they already have more money than God, then why do they still need control? Maybe it's like dealing for the HA. At first, you see such a change in income, it's amazing. You go from eating ramen out of the pot to steak everyday if you want. From hitchhiking to first class flights. Then, the shock wears off, you realize you ruin peoples lives all the time and in fact live off of it. But it's too late. You can't quit, you know too much. Your a liability. Sure, it happens to everyone involved at some point, but your all there to enable each other back to the dark side. Here, just do a line and we'll go beat this punk.

So, the problem remains. To believe, or not to believe. To suppose for a minute that this is the truest form of existence, and that it is supremely important. Or to assume that it is all a ride. Like a movie. Or maybe more accurately, like a jack-off fantasy. Nothings really going on, time isn't real, no past, no future, just a dynamic experience. Just the interplay of energy and forces, imagined into solidity by yourself, the origin and outcome. merrily merrily merrily merrily.