Post Burial

Am I drinking too much coffee?
Or smoking too much weed?
Am I not getting enough sleep?
Am I not eating well enough?

I've been acting pretty insecure lately, always wanting to be touched and needing reinforcement and such. I've been worrying about school too, the fact that it starts in less than a month, and I'm not ready to go yet.

I don't mean to say I'm not ready to get up early and cross town to go learn for eight hours and then cross town to get home, where I may or may not have to work for 7 hours or so. But rather, the funding finalities, and the acquiring of school supplies, and mapping out the bus route to school are what bother me now. With regard to school anyway.

I guess bother might be too strong a word. Or too negative. Beckon might be what I mean. What beckons me lately, not regarding school of course, is her. I want to turn myself into a blanket so I can wrap around her, touching her everywhere at once. I want her to want the same, to want to constantly be touching me everywhere. But, alas, this is not the case.

I feel like I must be bipolar and switching emotional directions, because I seem so easily frightened or discouraged, like any little setback will have me ready to give up and go hide. Is it because I drank a little alcohol a few days in a row? Is it the marijuana?

For the first time in a while, we have gone an entire week without running out of marijuana. We had to buy a fair amount to accomplish this, but as I had worked something like 17 days in a row, I felt I had earned the right to spend a little extra on us. No argument against was made, and bam, we had made a decision.

Oh, I forgot to mention, I've been sort of retarded lately. Sorry, I don't mean to offend, it's just, I've been acting like I have some sort of diminished mental faculties. Like, my jokes are lame, my thoughts have been almost animal in their baseness, and my actions are clumsy and irregular.

We did our thing today, and my rhythm was all off initially. We had fun, she had multiple funs. She half-offered, like in a you "You don't want me to..." sort of way. I right wanted her to. I feel so pervy for wanting her so much. It's like, that was fun, now, let's do it again, but dirtier. I just can't seem to get enough.

But really though, that's not a totally bad thing. It would be sort of disappointing if I was like "Oh no thank you madam, I've had my fill for today". I'm going to have to do some research with regard to sex-drive and emotional cycles, to see if something is wrong with me, like a vitamin deficiency or something equally simple to remedy.

My supervisor was just hassling me because I took too long on my unscheduled break. I took less than eight minutes to use the bathroom and return to my station. Not unreasonable in my opinion. But, I was told I should dock this from my next break. Only at call centres...

Stream of thought

My head hurts.

I've been snotting for days and days.

Will this cold never end?

It probably is the swine flu.



Space. I don't know if I want space. Maybe I'm just being ridiculous.

But contact sure is nice.



It's true that I worry too much.



Damn internet, always showing me the worst case scenarios.



Ahh well, at least Trent Reznor knows what's going on.



Which is to say I'm in a Nine Inch Nails mood.

I feel sort of bad, because I need to provide some space.

The internet says that is a bad thing. I know myself I've been too, I don't know, accommodating?

But what do I do? Refuse a request from my lady love? Maybe if I just have a little more presence. I feel like I give up and give in to anything, never putting myself first. That can't be true though, alcohol has that reversing effect, where only I'm important or something. I don't know, I'm just rambling now.



I feel selfish for thinking but, sometimes I think I give more than I receive in the relationship.

I never figured myself for a good boyfriend, walking her to work and making her food and going to the store for her whenever she asks. But like, I guess I'm around too much, and I'm wearing thin probably. Even I get tired of myself, so I guess it's not entirely surprising.

***

The laptop overheated and shutdown mid-post earlier. No subtlety there. As if to say, "Quit your complaining!", the universe told me it had heard/seen/been enough by shutting my posting-power down. I guess doing a google search for "gf needs space" might not have been the best idea to inspire confidence in myself.

This cigarette tastes like getting new toys felt as a kid. The smell of the fresh plastic packaging and toys venting their dangerous chemical fumes, a memory brought back by inhaling an instantly active drug. A drug designed to stimulate the pleasure centers of the brain, made me remember the smell given off by new toys, coincidence? Is this smell added on purpose, to get kids to associate buying new things with experiencing pleasure? Not a terrible idea if your interests include ensuring the continuation of a commercial society.

Reading on websites like TFLN and FML, where ladies talk about their various triumphs and losses in the world of blow jobs, makes me wonder if my girlfriend has some kind of mental block with regard to fellatio. She seems so apprehensive, that I wonder if she isn't flat-out scared of blow jobs, or even penises altogether. Could she be a lesbian, and I'm just girly enough for her to enjoy sex with me? That's a somewhat frightening prospect. She has preformed them before, a few times. I believe with fellows she wasn't even going out with, which is kind of a slap in the face. It's like, "Oh, this guy who I just fooled around with for a few weeks, I put his cock in my mouth, but you, whose name I want to take, who's child I would not abort, I won't do that for you.". It just feels like she's holding back from me. I mean, she has never suggested anything that I didn't immediately try out. She hasn't suggested much though.

I feel bad again, for not being entirely satisfied with my current sexual situation. Like I'm being ungrateful, as this time last year, it was nothing but hand, and mine at that. I should be glad she lets me touch her at all. I do enjoy that very much. But it's like, if I ask her to rub my neck or scratch my back, she does it for 10 seconds then spaces out and continues what she was doing. We were having sex for the second time the other night, and I ran out of steam, and asked her to finish me off, and she told me "No, that would take too long", as though I hadn't used all my energy on her for longer than it would take for me to finish. That's confusing. To make it clear; I was tired because I pleasured her all through my refractory period(the time it takes to 'reload', as it were).

That ties into a previous thought of mine; perhaps I am too generous in bed with her. What I mean is, she ends up very satisfied and tired well before I do, so I often end up unsatisfied, as it's sad to satisfy myself at the point, and frankly, not that satisfying. So what am I to do then, withhold myself from her? Refuse to do things until she does the equivalent? That could leave me feeling even worse, sort of like now, where I feel like I can't touch her, and she can touch me, but usually does so only fleetingly.

I just spoke with her on my break. It made me a little sad to talk with her. We're going to Bathurst for Thanksgiving this weekend. We may have a good time, but I'm not getting my hopes up. Often, we end up stranded with nothing to smoke and nothing to do and no way to get anywhere. Also, she said see you tomorrow, like she assumes I'm not going to visit her later. Why wouldn't I, unless she doesn't want me to? Now I'm being paranoid(hopefully anyway). I did say something like "See you tomorrow" when she left for work. But I meant like, after midnight, because I work until at least 1am, not because I wouldn't see her until tomorrow morning when she gets off work. Actually, she said "See you in the morning", not "See you tomorrow", I think the distinction is important now.

I'm rambling again, but what else is new. I'm quite erratic lately, up one minute, down the next. I feel a little scattered, a little frustrated, a little exposed. Over tired maybe, makes sense I guess. I feel a bit like I'm at my wit's end. I feel guilty about writing this stuff, especially the intimate details of our sex life, but I don't really have another outlet. I could have written this on paper I suppose, but then the might find it, read it, and be offended or feel bad or something. She knows I have a blog, and I have sent her links before I think, but she doesn't check it. She gives me my space...

I've been updating this post now for almost four hours. I started it hours before that, until the computer overheated and 'passed out' on me. I've come full circle, the catharsis achieved. It is this space that allows me to vent and externalize and self-analyze. Is this the 'space' she wants? It seems so simple now, why did I freak out earlier? All she wanted was some time alone to organize her thoughts and such. She was probably too mentally congested to articulate that. Or I'm too inattentive to have understood before now. Either way, I feel a little better now. Damn google had led me to believe Michelle was essentially done with me and that she needed space to make an escape or something, not that I'm trying to 'trap' her or anything.

Well, this seems like a good place to stop posting, and go back to my regular internet browsing.
May random find you well.
-agent_of_truth
10:30PM