peeking out from under my rock

I can't keep a low profile.

Type type type, delete delete delete. Don't drink and type. Should have a keyboard breathalyzer.

I had a dream I think, where I was bad-tripping. Like a sense of impending doom, unreality, disconnection, a sense it was all about to slip away. Odd, maybe the dream was initially so good, I knew it couldn't last, and that's where the doom came from. I'm like that, I can't enjoy myself without feeling guilty. It's like, that time you spent resting you could have been working or helping someone that was working. Where does the sense of duty come from? This horrible sense of obligation and the guilt at not meeting these supposed obligations. I'm obliged to help anyone that needs help. Albeit, I don't mind usually, helping out. But when I can't get an hour to myself to just sit and relax, because I'm picking up the slack for others who are "chillin' out max and all relaxin' all cool", that annoys me. I usually don't say anything; I get drunk.

Like now! Yeah! I drank while I worked today. I haven't done that in years. I never did it regularly, and I don't plan to. I'm feeling guilty now, even though nothing bad came of it. Maybe that's a good thing though. Maybe I should feel bad about drinking at work. It's careless, definitely. But if nothing bad came of it, should I really feel guilty? I guess, better than good. I wouldn't want to get comfortable drinking at work. Then one day, I drink too much and lose it. Not to mention the cost of drinking earlier in the day. It adds up.

That's the start of Project Green Dragon. I hope the mason jar won't allow all the EtOH to escape. Not too much anyway.

Alcohol; it lowers inhibitions. Otherwise, I'd be too nervous to write. Granted, what I write lately has been scattered and less than amazing. Perhaps I would benefit from a period of sobriety to work out whatever it is that has me running to the bottle.

So far, Heart On, not as impressive as Death By Sexy and Peace, Love, Death Metal. In my inebriated opinion anyway. Then again, it has some pretty good tunes too. Too early to tell.

That southern guitar twang goes great with whiskey. Makes my spine feel like spaghetti. Loosey goosey.

Social networking sites make my heart hurt sometimes.

I play this riff on my electric guitar, it's missing the low E string(the top one). But the rhythm is really the important thing. It's between 10 000 days and the Doctor Who theme. But it sounds like a boat. Or a boat ride. I don't know, wavy. It trips me out though. I can zone out and play that riff in different variations for like a half hour straight. I like playing guitar like that, almost as a form of meditation. Same thing with games like tetris and Dr. Mario. Play until you quiet your mind. Pure action. Go Go Go. Or dancing when you're really high. For me anyway, being so self conscious, I like to be thoroughly inebriated before I get down propa. Back in the days of pcp, I'd really just go with it. Probably too much so. But that's a complicated story for another day. Really, it's a story never to be fully told.

I'm on my third 'last drink' now. They just end up so tasty. And the post seems to need more from me.

Paranoid people on the phone freak me out sometimes, with their pessimism. But then I remember; they are old and racist. Technology is frightening to them, and they must be short on cash these days. This one old lady talked about how there's no modesty or self respect nowadays, and people don't get married and split up over anything. She said she wouldn't want to be raising a kid these days, and I understood what she meant there.

It's weird; some of the people I know that ended up the best were the products of one-parent homes. Not all mind you, and sometimes it's a death and not a separation, but among my friends, those raised by one parent are all doing quite well for themselves. The same can not be said for those from two-parent homes.

The old lady was all concerned about the economy, telling me about millionaires jumping out of windows in 29, saying they didn't see it coming either. She said there's war coming, and the government is going to take our retirement money. These things detracted from her credibility somewhat. Though in time, they may prove to be quite true, who knows really.

The alcohol fog is rolling in, I think it's time to head to bed. Be safe.
\m/