stream of thort

I sometimes feel like the guy lying down in the street in this video.

***

There was a line in Fear & Loathing, which was on last night, that struck me.

"A drug person can learn to cope with things like their dead grandmother crawling up their leg with a knife in her teeth"(not sure if it is an exact quote)

This made me realize hey; my crazy drug experiences are basically run of the mill, and pale in comparison to some heavy users' trips.

A fellow called me about doing some ecstasy yesterday. I told him I wasn't interested. I was quite proud of myself. I do like the beans from time to time, but it wasn't a good night. I want to be in good spirits for my 'date' next week. Don't want to risk dopamine depletion.

Looks good so far.

Haven't written anything hard copy yet. I've been busy. Holidays and all. Also nervous. Am I going to get too drunk? Talk too much? Premajack? Find her suddenly unattractive? Black out?

In the Templar, Arizona comic, there are these copy-books that float around town in cabs and waiting rooms and stuff. They are basically self-published magazines that people leave around town. I had thought of something similar a few years ago, but never bothered to assemble a copy. Perhaps now is a better time to look into this.

She got me something for Christmas. I hope it isn't mushrooms. They scare me. I mean, I'd like to have some for a rainy day, but I'd feel obligated to consume them immediately with her if she gave them to me. If I were to bad trip, well, it probably wouldn't be much fun. Not as much as it could be.

But then again, it could be really good. Feeling an emotional and almost psychic connection with my environment, and melding with another member of that environment. It could be really mind blowing, I suppose.

My luck though, she'd have to keep me from running out into the cold winter night and dying of exposure. *Sigh*. Not to mention the fact that I have very little money to even try and scrape together a gift for her. I'm thinking some green dragon, and maybe she'll accept sexual attention as a gift. If I can muster it. Heh heh. Ok, I've got the confidence boost of alcohol to aid me now.

She made sure that she is getting something we both like to drink, so I can rest easy that there will be something, but my biggest problem has always been initiating. Since I was too young to be interested in sex, I've been told things like no means no and you will go to jail and be raped yourself if you sleep with a drunk girl who later is unable to remember herself consenting and sexual transmitted diseases will kill you and having a child is a gigantic burden. Now, I'm nervous about having sex. I've almost always been way drunk when I've made sexual advances, successful or not. I've had more success drunk though, that much I can say. I suppose, we do sort of use too much innuendo and double-speak, at least in our youth, with regard to sex. Sometimes when I'm sober, I'll second guess myself into a corner, and just try and go home alone to not offend anyone. When I'm drunk, I'm more likely to flirt and build rapport and such. I still have a hard time closing the deal. Making physical contact. Demonstrating interest.

Is this just fear of rejection?

I worry too much.

I like the relationship in music between the notes. With guitar, I think of this as a fret-difference. A two or three fret difference, three frets higher and two frets lower(from a starting note) offer many different combinations. Slides between them, strum frequency, tap speed, et cetera. It's odd, like the shapes I find myself drawing when I do draw. I instinctively round out the edges, try and make smooth curves. I sometimes end up with shapes that turn up under microscopes, which is somewhat interesting. Coincidence?

I really enjoy the music of the band tool. It is hard to get into, especially if none of your friends like it (I imagine). But it pays off. It is dense music. Not just the instruments and the lyrics, but the relationships. The forethought in their construction of songs, their attention to detail, their terrific live shows, their humorous and cryptic interviews, all these things make tool the band that they are.

There is much to be said about tool, but now is not the time. Check out youtube for some awesome live clips.

I've run out of things to say better kept to myself, so I best end this post. May random find you well. I'll see you in the future. \m/

Kyuss

Restless
Tireless
Incomprehensible

Psychotic
Smooth
Connection





Sly
Intuitive
Talent

stream of thought

Ok, so that last post. Not my finest work. Or maybe it was. I don't even know anymore.

Hard time sleeping. Getting short with people. Impatient and intolerant too, though I'm keeping it to myself mostly. Perhaps I should speak up more when something is bothering me.

It's difficult to know when to speak up, and when to bite your tongue.

Plans moving around for the holidaze. Got some events lined up for next week. Trying to plan accordingly. Finances aren't great, but I've got a couple lifelines to bail me out until the cash flow resumes.

It's a hard time of year to work at a call centre.

What a boring blog. I should probably rant more. People say to write what you know, what do I know again? Call centre work, last in first out, deep frying chicken and potatoes, hotel clerk work, international phonetic alphabet, local air port codes, CPR, orienteering, how to use a paddle, how to start a fire, how to build a shelter in the woods, how to chop wood, how to swim, how to push start a standard transmission vehicle, how to find the North Star, how to tell your fortune using standard playing cards, how to bust up a pill for ease of consumption, how to roll a joint, how to change guitar strings, how to change a flat-tire, how to make some tasty french toast, how to clean a toilet, how to tell if I'm tripping, how to bust up morning glory seeds for ease of consumption, how to use a snow blower, how to make a molotov, ok, maybe I'm just reaching now. But I know a lot of varied things, I guess, was my point.

Choosing a topic can be....

Fuck, this is garbage. I think I need another hiatus to develop some ideas. I've got a few ideas perhaps not well suited for this blog format. Perhaps ideal for it, but either way, I'm going to write them out the old fashioned way, hard-copy, pen and paper style. Exercise my demons. Yes I mean exercise.

Bust out the Dr.Grip, it's been a while since it more than doodled or jotted. Yeah, I know what kind of pen I use.

I still haven't gotten that confidence boost, but this time next week, I should be annoyingly confident. After a few days, I should resume a more normal mode of thought, but perhaps with a new elevated baseline. Here's hoping.

I think I have been positive in outlook as of late. I am looking at the future with excitement, and not fear. Well some, but more excitement. My birthday is between Christmas and new year's as well, I usually don't plan on doing much, as hardly anyone is up for it, but I have been surprised before. It could be a pretty kick-ass holiday season.

Happy holidaze everyone, may random find you well. I'll 'see' you in the future.
\m/