thinking in circles

I can see myself easily falling into a routine.
Wakeup eat breakfast shower shave brush floss.
Go for a run read the paper have a coffee do the crossword.
Work from home log a few hours.
Coffee on breaks, friendly sunshine chit-chat.

I take a walk before supper, resupply, buy some food,
booze, smokes, or drugs. Go to the library, rent a movie.
Come home, make supper, relax for a bit. Watch tv.

Do dishes, tidy up, maybe do laundry.
Work more if feeling productive.
Then, consume substances, watch movie, or read.
Listen to music, write, draw, play video games.
Surf the net, watch old cartoons, cook crazy snacks.

Yawn, sleep bed, repeat.
Occasional resupply of clothing or cooking materials.
Cleaning products, new shoes, new mop, new towels,
new bedding.

Over time, upgrade furniture and appliances. HDTV.
Plasma screen. Exercise machine. Bigger apartement.
Keep up with cell phones and computers. Fancy deep frier.

Then what? Get a car, work more, bigger place, work more.
Fun hobbies, expensive, work more. Investment, more stress,
more substances, more money, more work.

So, wanting to be left to my own devices may prove unwise.
I may while away my time here, gathering anecdotes for
occasional encounters with old friends and interesting strangers.

But hearing it like that, doesn't actually sound too bad.
Just that something's missing, as though I'd be waiting for something.
Or someone.

Job upgrades could cover potential dependents i suppose.
But the stress of changing jobs, looking for work. Wondering how
long I'll last. How long until I slip up or this place just gets to me.

I want to be able to be alone, but I also want to be able to consult with
others to share ideas and to stay in touch with reality. I want to be alone
so I can think and concentrate on matters which may be trivial or frightening.

I'm probably full of shit. I dunno, maybe I just want some friends I trust.
Maybe I want to...

"..See I've lost my way..."
-Cicatriz ESP

ESP indeed.

I don't know what I want. I want to though.

Maybe I want some interesting problems to deal with.
Like time, and space.

Lofty aspirations.

I'd like to not have to work.
Not login and dial a few hours.
I'd rather work on a project.
Complete it, submit it, and tour around showcasing it.
Then enjoy a period of financial security.
And repeat.

Sounds simple enough.
Can't do it.

Both? Neither?

I'll live long and die young.
I'll work hard and hardly work.

Cryptic ramblings of no practical value.
True or not.

Reality unwound.

wait it's 08

too much trying for my attention
perhaps to save me from myself
don't think too hard of trapping thoughts

if everything has it's place,
what if evil's place is on top?
what if evil needs to exist or everything will stop
what if good is made never to win?
and it must be so for the world to spin.

maybe evil's not won,
it's an ebb and flow
hard work and fun

evil and good,
probably words
but did we make them up, or name them?