What do I know anyway

Been drinking again. At least four hours tonight already. Still, I am walking straight, not slurring. If anything, I am able to speak more easily. No stumbling over my words, or sudden loss of confidence. That stuff just happens when I'm nervous. Unfortunately, that is far too often.

I had a dream recently. I was at a party, I knew most if not all of the people there. I'm not sure where I was, I seem to remember brown furniture, or at least earthy colours, like green and brown, leading towards fall I think. Orange and red, but not overly bright, muted colours.

I remembering having a giant glass, one of those brandy snifters that looks as big as a fishbowl. I mixed myself a drink with a lot of some sort of liquor and maybe some red juice, I assume fruit punch. Being so large, I was able to mix a rather strong drink. I think the liquor was clear, and I'm leaning towards coconut rum, as I saw someone drinking coconut rum straight on tv recently.

When I woke up, I immediately looked around for my giant drink. Unfortunately, it was nowhere to be found. Now, what is this dream telling me? Is it a reminder that drinking is a large part of socializing, hence the over sized glass? I think I was having fun, walking around, chatting it up, ranting here and there. I don't remember any of the conversations. What I do remember is feeling good, and having a big ole drink with me.

I've never taken a whole lot of stock in my dreams, as they are often abstract and difficult to interpret. A nice straight-forward "These are the lottery numbers for tomorrow's draw" dream would be alright with me.. But alas, I usually end up in some weird boot camp, flying above power lines or...

Wait a second, my other recurring dream, the one where I'm in a large house with secret passageways in it. That was in the same cluster of dreams. You know, how you usually have like 3 or 4 dreams a night, well, this drinking party dream may have overlapped with the secret passageway dream. Was the party in the house with the passageways? Does the house represent my own psyche? Perhaps an afterlife I am building for myself? Forgotten dreams? Lost hopes? What is it? Is it the divine? My sense of faith?

I was recently rummaging through some of my things, when I came across a note my mother had written for me. It was from when I was only six or seven years old. She had put it in a box for me to see when I am older(well done mom). The note said basically, that she had picked me up from school, and when we were leaving, my teacher asked if I was too old for a hug, and I said of course not, hugged her, and headed home. On the way home, apparently I commented that the teacher had asked a silly question. This touched my mom so much, she wrote this note for me to read later, saying how she was glad that I am affectionate and like to be that way.

This hurt me a bit to read.

I'm not much for hugs nowadays. I know, why not? They're simple embraces, a sign of affection, what's the big deal? My genitals are a foot from yours, that's the big deal. I feel your tits against my chest, and I can barely think. I know, it's horrible. That's not the idea at all, but it's not a conscious thing on my part. It's like, if I'm really down, like I 'need a hug' or whatever, and then I get one, I'm like, that's better, you fucking emotional cripple. Why can't you just be normal? Why is everything such a big fucking deal? Then I feel bad for making someone else concerned about me, like I'm wasting their time. I should be able to fix myself myself. After all, wasn't it my actions and choices that got me here?

If you believe in free will that is.

Maybe I should call my blog breaking the beams, or reality decoded.

For clarity; I am in a good mood actually. I'm frustrated that I'm barely working, and next week I'm going to feel the crunch, but really, I'm quite enjoying my time off. My ears could use a few days sans headphones to recover. Long story.

I guess understanding and food for thought make me happy. And I've been turning over that whole gas giant ignition plan as well as my use of alcohol and my involvement with a certain individual of the opposite sex. Lots of things to think about. But am I just avoiding thinking about my own future? My own life plans, or lack thereof?

I've been thinking about the delay in Cassini's mission until 2012. If at the time, they choose to send it into the atmosphere of Saturn, causing ignition, thawing our friendly solar neighbourhood Titan moon, coinciding with the alignment of the Earth, Sun, and galactic center, then they may be able to, like, really pull off something great. To those science oriented, it would be a major triumph, a feat unmatched by any previous civilization, pyramids or not. To those religiously oriented, it could be seen as a second coming, a second sun, instead of a second incarnation of a son. Even the new agers can get behind a shift to the fifth age of humanity/civilization/existence in general. If they time it right, and it works, it could really be a unifying thing.

Let's say, as a matter of unforeseen consequences, the Earth experiences an onslaught of radiation. There's no way everyone would be killed. Those that remain would have not only the Earth, but potentially the moon Titan as a hospitable environment to colonize. Perhaps we might even evolve a way to cope with radiation. Wouldn't that be great. We could save tons of money in space suits if we didn't need to shield ourselves from radiation.

I know, it's morbid, and calculating, but it might be inevitable. If it might work, we're going to try. No two ways about it. We weren't sure that an atomic bomb wouldn't destroy the Earth, but we tested them anyway. It's a risk worth taking. What do you want for your future; Star Trek? Or Mad Max?

Think about that for a while.

Changing the subject now; frequently, when I think about the past, it pains me. I remember innocence and ignorance, and how much easier life was as an ignorant teenager. How I could just jam out a song, and enjoy it, even if it was incredibly simple. Now, it has to be perfect. I've been playing with the same riff for months, I can't come to a conclusion on it. Or maybe I can; I'm not good enough to play it.

A few years ago, I assembled a few poems I had written into a coherent album. A friend and I laid down the first two tracks, and then nothing. We were too into drugs, and we had a falling out. Now, I can't trust the guy. I couldn't turn my back on him without feeling uneasy, even with a cop in the room. It might be because we did so many drugs together, but I think there's more to it. I had an insight about the guy, and it rang true. It even reminded me of old warnings I had heard about him, but wrote off at the time as groundless. Now, in retrospect, they seem all too up his alley.

But, the thing is, he wrote the music for my words. It hurts to admit, but he did a good job too. He was always good at coming up with riffs. And now, he's in a band with three of my friends, where he is the singer. In my opinion, his lyrics are a bunch of bullshit, that's not his forte. I was insulted that my friends never even considered asking me to be the singer for the band. They asked this joker. Now, I can't listen to them play anymore, I just want to smash my head in. It sounds like the singer is on fire, he seems so tormented. I don't know what his deal is, I tried to find out, but he wasn't forthcoming. I just got worried for myself and my family and I made the smart move I think, to stop hanging around with this dude. All we did was drugs. And he overstayed his welcome. It's like fuck, go home! I'm going to bed now, leave my living room you fucker.

Ahh I don't know, I hate to be even discussing this. It's like, I'm pretty sure I made the right call. Now, my friends in the band don't have a problem with him, but I figure that in time, his nature should become undeniable. They should eventually see what I saw.

I sort of hope I am wrong, this fellow is nothing but good, and I've made a terrible mistake. But, I also think, that is what he'd want me to think. Fall back into a destructive routine, and a few months down the road, we're signing a suicide pact in blood and ODing on whatever we can get our hands on. No thanks, I'd rather not take the risk.

The blog is my shrink today. I will vent my troubles and hope that the weight comes off my mind.

So, where am I at now? I don't like to let people get too close, physically or emotionally. The more you care, the more you get hurt. I'm trying to be health conscious, but I have a hard time dealing with my family, which leads me to consume substances, which affects my health negatively. Going on six hours since I started drinking now.

I feel like I'm reaching a breaking point though, where it is getting to be too hard to stay with my parents and watch them fight and worry about their troubles and my brother's troubles and my uncle's as well, let alone my own. I'm worried though, that if I move out, I'll end up drunk all the time again until shit blows up in my face. Or, I'll isolate myself from my family and friends, and end up being relatively healthy, but antisocial, and just stay home and play video games all day. Fucking grim futures the both of them.

I suppose, when my parents die, there will be life insurance, and inevitable change. But I'm really not waiting for that, at least I hope not.

I'm so evil sometimes.

Props to MC Chris. And HORSE the band. Keep up the good works lads.

I remember listening to Relationship of Command, the At the Drive-In album, back in first year university, that was some good times. I cranked arcarsenal for the last two minutes of 'loud hour' during exam week. Good times.

I think my thought train has reached the end of the line for tonight. Now, go eat a grain of salt. May random find you well.
\m/

Update;
Slight hangover. New Dreams today. Fighting with father, as he put my food on the table instead of a plate, and when I asked him why, he played dumb, then said, well, you should do more for me. I got mad at him, but in the dream it all seemed foolish. I yelled at him, and he looked sad, but my examples were poor. I cited things I'd like to do but can't rather than things I am able to do, and have done as of late.

Also, there was another dream. I was at a Doctor's office. We seemed to speak only briefly, and then time seemed to skip ahead. The doctor held a chart indicating my health concerns(IRL, not just in the dream) and had outlined my treatment. They said something like this and this will clear up right away, this and this will take a little longer. Was I to receive chemo? Or was it just an antibiotic? I will try to remember.

And when they were down, they were down.

The grand old Duke of York,
He had ten thousand men.
He marched them up to the top of the hill
And he marched them down again.

And when they were up, they were up;
And when they were down, they were down.
But when they were only halfway up,
They were neither up nor down!

-The Grand Old Duke of York

Ever get the feeling, that you missed the boat? You fucked up, and it's too late to go back and fix it. You'll never get ahead of your problems, you'll never feel financially secure. You'll worry until you give yourself a stroke or a septic ulcer. You'll die, and leave behind a poverty stricken family, grieving and ashamed parents, or worse, people will just be glad you're gone.

Three shifts in a row cancelled at work, and I thought my numbers were up, I'm in the good. Christmas is coming, it'll be lean this year. We'll have some good food and all, but not much in the way of presents. That's ok though, it's just stuff. I feel worse about not being able to buy my family what I'd like to for them. I just can't afford it. I haven't really asked for much myself, just some pants. I don't feel like I need anything else really. I don't even want anything. I feel undeserving.

Fuck I hate this defeatist attitude shit. It's like, fuck off Marc, so what if you like to get drunk and you don't like to get close to people. It hurts when you try to change. Maybe stop trying to force yourself to meet others' expectations!

Oh me, but I don't want to disappoint my parents. What if I do something stupid? What if I get myself killed? I can't do that to them.

I want to get away, to get my own place again, but what if I just do the same shit? End up in the same hole I was in. I'll end up owing more money and in worse physical condition than I'm in now. Not to mention, with my shifts getting cancelled, it's not like I could afford it with my current employment.

*sigh*

But I don't want to change!

Well, I guess I do, but not too much. If I change my behaviour to blend in, is that lying to myself? It's like I don't even know what I want. Fucking TV has me convinced I want a super-model girlfriend, a sports car, and a job with a gun. I'm not so sure I'm cut out for any of that. I'd like to not worry so much. I could see a shrink and get some benzos for that probably, but would that leave me any better off? Or just numb to the fact I should be worrying?

"It's relentless,

Invisible,

Indefatigable,

Indisputable,

Undeniable,

So how come it looks so beautiful?"

Like the song aenima(I'm too lazy to get the ae blendy character), it seems to accept the eventual destruction of our creations, and perhaps even enjoy it. Something I can relate to. Listening to the radio, CBC, talking about plastic bags and advertising to children, in a comedic debate format. It was a little fucked. It's was funny at the time, but in retrospect, it's some serious shit to be joking about. This coming from the guy that enjoys a good cannibalism joke.

One remark that struck me was that advertising to children is like hunting; only one party really knows it's involved.

I think it's time for some nine inch nails. Warm-up with a little perfect drug. A little light listening before I dive into the fragile. Damn, need the new flash player. I must have a virus, no way that shit is updated this often. My computer is running so slowly. It's agonizing. I just want to hear a song. It would literally be over by now. While I'm waiting, Id like to vent about the Wii.

I am a brainwashed fanboy, but man, I wish Nintendo would make the Wii work a little better. How about updating the Internet channel now and then, so we can play videos on the tee-vee. And the friend codes, come on, so annoying. At least let us detect we friends using the same game, rather than needing a friend code for the console and each game. That's too much. And how about some chat? The Wii-speak best work well. Although, it's too late for call of duty.

And to the players of World of War for the Wii; you fucking morons! Get out of my way! When I stab you, that means move so I can fucking get outta here, you're blocking the only exit, and you're going to get us both killed with you incompetence. And don't vote to skip the level in the last 10 seconds, the whole point of skipping the level is to skip the 40 second intermission. We is some impatient mother-fuckers that play this game long enough to roll over our prestige. To explain further, when you vote to skip at the last second, it will reset the clock by about 20 seconds, making you wait again. If you vote quickly, you just skip the intermission, and go right to the 'game is starting' screen, where the names are already separated into teams. Then it's like 10 seconds to wait, 10 seconds to start the round, and you're back in action.

I fucking knew it! The video still won't open. Fucking flash. Fucking Windows. Fucking life. ARRGGHH!

But yeah, Call of Duty, that's a good way to kill some time. Fucking sharpens the mind. I beat the first head shot challenge for the kar98k or whatever it's called today. That was fun. Got my KDR over 1.0. It was low cuz I let my brother and his friend play a bunch one weekend. No worries though, it's not like I'm anywhere near the top ten.

There, got some nine inch nails going finally. Not working though, going to have to go right for the fragile I guess. "Where is everybody?". There we go. Crank it a bit. My ears don't work so well when I've been drinking. Or maybe I'm used to the super-hearing of being way high on weed. As mentioned previously, I'm drinking to reduce my smoking. It has other benefits as well, other side effects too.

Good and bad, like everything.

Lost in the song for a minute.

I know what's next. "Into the void".

I read recently about a plan to try and ignite the gas giants in our solar system. To try and build a second sun basically. And I've gotta say; it sounds interesting. Melt Europa or Titan, make another Earth, all ready for settling. What's the worst that could happen? Radiation overload? Life would evolve. Maybe not humans, but something would. Ok, maybe that's a pretty bad worst case scenario. Still, not so bad to totally give up on the idea.

Just some food for thought.

Saturn ascends indeed.

The crazy depressing songs of Trent Reznor always make me feel better about feeling bad. Not really feeling better, but that hey, I'm not that only one disappointed with myself, life, and the human race.

"Tried to save myself but my self keeps slipping away"

Time is a one-way street for all intents and purposes. What's grown crooked cannot be made straight, that was in a Thom Yorke song earlier I think. Maybe that explains why I can't straighten shit out. Can't put stuff together neatly. It doesn't fit neatly. Kinda abstract now, not totally sure what I mean. I will consult this in the future.

For now, I will conduct myself as usual. Trying to steer my actions in a harm reducing manner. I'm repeating myself, aren't I? There's no right answer but to proceed. Maybe choice is an illusion, doesn't mean the ride isn't fun. You don't steer the roller coaster, but you can still enjoy the ride.