On my mind

On my mind;
I talk too much.
Paid to talk to strangers at a rate of about 6 per minute is ridiculas.
I had chest pains and blurry vision today at work.
No real reason, just a general freakout.
I often also have sore wrists and knuckles.
Earlier this week, i felt like i had a bubble that got stuck in my veins.
I Know what this feels like because i received IV drugs at the hospital.
I was there for a week, with a constant drip for 4 days.
Either that or like, cold in the blood.
I would to go outside for cigarettes with my IV setup.
My job stresses me out.
People are telling me more and more how grey my hair is.
I am often confronted with reminders of painful and unresolved experiences.
My thoughts often drift to death and sex.
Fear and loathing is a phrase that seems more and more poignant in describing life in general.
Money is all-too-important in my life.
I don't have enough money.
I don't make enough money.
I'm worried i'll never be financially secure.
I'm worried someday i'll become financially secure, and die almost immediately either as a karmic joke or as a result of my own carelessness.
I'm worried there may be something seriously wrong with my lymphnodes.
I'm not sure if i'd rather find out it's drug related or cancer.
To explain; if it was drug-related, then it would be easily stopped(obviously). However, that would require my getting off drugs, whereas cancer would not only excuse my drug use, but provide for it.
Now, having explained that, i feel ashamed.
That i might prefer being stoned for a short while to living a full, sober life, is somewhat depressing.
But at the same time, it could be defining.
It could define me as someone that wholly believes in the power of the mind(and thus mind-altering substances).
I worry some might interpret it as a lack of faith, when really, it's quite different.
But that is a story for another day.