written on the clock(mostly)

Feel good this morning.

Ate spaghetti at midnight, delicious. Slept well too. Got up early, moved some furniture before work. Damn sharp-edged desk, hard on the hands. My fingers feel a little chewed up, you know? The old man freaked out a bit while we were moving it, but that was a dopamine depletion thing more than a logical reason thing. Financial woe or not, the guy likes his, well, stuff. Not my place to say.

So I had a little puff before work today, thinking about starting my own version of 'casual fridays'. I must say, so far, the results have been promising. I repuffed on my break, keep me from dosing off. I had a couple of calls that pissed me off, but only for a minute or so. Quick turn-around time makes for less time spent upset. Also, I smile at names that sound funny or people's odd anecdotes make me laugh more than usual.

Skunk Weed, the scourge of our generation! Making shitty jobs tolerable! What a menace!

Imagine, if when you got cut off in traffic, you thought "Hey, I'm in no hurry!" or, "I must've been going too fast man!". Wouldn't road rage go down significantly? Then again, there is the problem of slow people in the drive-thru, when you have the munchies bad, that'll drive you nuts.

Nevermind that now, I have a thought.
I'm thingKing hard.
The insane parade; like a surprise party, and you're the guest of honour.
Oh Wow! All here for me? For my amusement? Wait, who's that guy? I don't even like him...
This isn't right. Everyone likes me? Everyone wants to see me do well? Nobody has anything negative to say? I must be dead.

How else could it be explained? Let's all sing and dance and tra-la-la forever? That's a long-ass time. Heaven IS hell.

I just got a funny call; the name on the file was "Home Owner" then the last name, so, when I asked to speak with Home Owner Cormier, the woman on the line was skeptical immediately. Although, she should have received some mail from us with that name on it, but anyway, this quick 30 second call lasted a few minutes. When she found out I live in New Brunswick, she said "Oh! I thought you were some stuck-up snob from Ontario or something!". That's typical maritimer right there. Don't even get us started about 'Out-West'.

Note to people; when you give the wrong name, we'll call and ask for the wrong name.

Ok, so, I spoke with this fellow, with one leg oddly, who works with revenue Canada. He approved funding for things like the Canadarm, he said Trudeau told him to his face that he we get fired for trying to introduce the GST, but that Mulroney(obviously) eventually did it. He was telling me about problems he's had with Rogers, and I know he isn't alone in them, so that certainly lends him credibility. He was telling me about different Aerospace organizations, some far ahead of their time RIGHT NOW. He told me that most of our cellular networks and satellites were all put in place before 1981, it's all old technology. Seems about right.

This call lasted probably twenty minutes, as opposed to the average thirty-three seconds it usually takes me to deliver the 'reminder script'. The guy blasted me right away saying it's junk mail and I must work for Rogers and telling me he has a Nielsen rating box and Cogeco cable monitors everyone automatically, there's a light that comes on apparently. He just been monitored a whole lot during the election coverage, he said in fact, the light had gone out at 1:30pm today. I tried to explain why I was calling, and he went back to telling me it's junk mail that's in the garbage, and I'm working for Rogers. I got upset and cut him off. I told him, well, if as you say your Nielsen box has been there for 40 years, it has OUR COMPANY'S LOGO on it, as we were in partnership 40 years ago. I don't work for a cable company, I don't work for any broadcaster, we even send five dollars in each booklet he would have had twenty dollars in his envelope, so don't tell me it's junk mail and I work for Rogers. We even called weeks ago to make sure it was ok to send, that they were interested, to confirm their address and the number of televisions they have, so it's not unsolicited mail by any means.

This guy seemed to be both insightful and naive. Well, maybe not naive, so much as senile. He got a little repetitive, and he pissed me off insisting I work for Rogers, but the stuff about aerospace tech and communications tech and being this one-legged dude that met Pierre Trudeau back in the day, that was an awesome call. Any call where you end up yelling is at least somewhat fun. With all this bonus technology info and a dash of paranoia, it was a great call to end the week. Have a good one.

payday musings

Trying to stay out of trouble now.
Don't even look at the liquor store.
Go buy some video games, that should keep you busy.
Unlikely to hold my interest though, aren't they.

Should I drink a lot?
Am I fighting on the wrong side here?

Humankind has historically used alcohol. Over the years, would it not stand to reason that certain individuals might evolve a specialization related to alcohol? Perhaps, their own body down-regulates the dopamine levels in anticipation of alcohol's inclusion in the system. Perhaps for these individuals, sobriety is akin to starvation.

Perhaps just the opposite. Perhaps the use of alcohol overtime, adjusts the body's normal dopamine levels to the point where the body no longer requires alcohol to appear intoxicated.

Now, we extrapolate these ideas. Marijuana. Stimulants. Steroids. Antibiotics. Psychedelics. What if all of these change how we evolve? Is the human race about to branch off into different interest groups that evolve into different subspecies? Did somebody say 'Shadowrun'?

I used to think of this, perhaps in terms of a higher dimensional agreement. I imagine a spirit that represented humankind shaking hands with a spirit representing marijuana. We will continue to cultivate and protect marijuana, as long as it keeps producing those tasty cannabinoids. Over time, we are able to produce better and better strains of marijuana, while at the same time improving our own quality of life. Seems like a mutually beneficial relationship to me.

This may be a temporary development as well. Perhaps, the relationship becomes a dependence. Marijuana, extremely potent, but unable to survive in nature, as well as people, normally funny, laid back, and able to eat things that are normally unappetising, that are social cripples without a puff. Sound like anyone we know(are)? Nah, I'm like that even with a puff.

Time will tell, I imagine.

general anxiety

Still anxious, days later.
I want to grow, but I'm afraid to change.

I'm so used to being frightened and self-depreciating, that I don't know how to be confident. I'm not even sure that I want to.

Well, part of me certainly does. It's like I have to fight with myself. I don't know who to root for, either way I win and lose.

What am I so afraid of? Humiliating sexual encounter? Mostly. I'm afraid my lack of expertise will prove humiliating. I imagine quickly gathering my shit, and leaving. Although, I'd be in a different city, so where I'd go, I'm not sure.

The alternative; remaining shut-in, stay basically the same, don't grow, pick up more useless information, stay scared, gradually speak with fewer and fewer people until only my immediate family can tolerate my presence. Either that, or I'll develop a sudden cult-following, have money come in from google adsense, quit my day-job, and start my rocket-ride to the top. I doubt that would be as fun as it sounds. I'd probably still end up kicking myself about the girls that I let slip through my fingers.

I just can't seem to imagine myself not fucking this up. And I know, it's gotta be shitty for her to try and figure out what's up with me. I know I'm having a hard time with it, and I've known me years longer than she has.

Part of me knows; just go, try, the worst that can happen isn't that bad. I have nothing to lose but some time I'd probably waste anyway. Come on, keep it together. You know you want it.

Could my lack of confidence be drug related?

I'm tired of this speculation. Less talk, more action, that's what I need right now. Good luck.
\m/

goooooood morning! (Don't read if eating)

"Them yellow jackets keep the tired man from slackin'..."

Don't they.
Is that the regulators? The low-men in yellow coats? Stephen King reader?

Woke up drunk at about 10 am. I was like damn, last I remember I was feeding the VLT my change at the bar. Left a circle of puke to clean up this morning, I think I may have come home and had ice cream. What the fuck eh? Sure 10 beer or so, tequila, southern comfort, why not throw a little milk in there, see what happens? Why was I sick again?

Last night, I went to see the local sports team with my uncle. A few of my friends were supposed to meet up with me, and we were to hang out and drink and make merriment and such. I ran into the only friend I had been in contact with prior to the sports event there, he said he'd come find me at my seat later. He didn't. So, I had a beer and a shot before I left, waited through the first third of the game without drinking, but then I started getting those five dollar beers. I had four more at the game, got my uncle to spot me a fifty should I run into my friends and decide to head out to a bar after the game. Well, the game ended, never saw my friends, so I left.

I kept the fifty though.

When I got home, I had a puff of weed, drank my two beer, and sat around with my brother and his friend, After ranting for a while about balckholes and MECOs, my brother was telling me to shut up, so I figured I might as well head out to the bar, as it was only about 11pm or so.

So I put on my shoes, and out I went, into the night.

As I approached, i could see that the bar was quite busy. I knew I wasn't particularly interested in talking, but that I was drunk enough to not mind should I end up stuck talking to someone for a moment or two. I know, misanthrope alert, so what?

I got out of the shower yesterday, I was sitting around naked, and I realized, damn, I'm like, an organic being. I'm a human. I rely on simple proteins and vitamins to survive. I can be easily broken with a rock or chunk of metal. I may put on clothes and build a mental image of myself greater than the flesh-bag I walk around in, but that's where I live. That's who I am. I'm a human being. A fucking monkey with language. For all my thoughts of gravity, magnetics, and energy, I'm still bound to this limited use vessel. Was Einstein just a human? DaVinci? Jesus? Is being just a human, more than enough?

So I ordered up a shot of tequila and a moose green first thing, get me started. They seem to always bring out the lemon and salt when I order a shot of tequila, which I don't mind, and I will use, but I don't need it to take a shot. I looked around; people on the dance floor, a one-man-band, basically a guy with a karaoke machine and a guitar, people sitting at the bar and at tables, mostly older folks, is that the guy I saw at the grocery store with my uncle?

We're buying all junk, like 5 pounds of bacon, a couple bags of chips, a cake, and about 10 bottles of pop. We see this guy in the store with his kid, he has 2 or 3 bottles of the store brand pop. My uncle just goes up to the guy, like "Sir, excuse me, but the good pop is on sale you know for.." and the guy interrupts him "99 cents, yeah..." and continues his shopping. I was like damn! That's an eleven cent difference, this guy can't afford the extra quarter to turn his PC colas into Pepsi? Way more information than I wanted to get heading out to the grocery store. In all fairness though, I was a little disgusted that we bought 5 pounds of bacon, cheap or not, that's a lot of fucking bacon.

So I took my shot, had a drink of beer, and headed outside for a cigarette. You can't smoke inside public buildings here, and most places you can't take your drink outside with you, but this place has a porch with some tables, gives them a loophole I guess. So you can drink and smoke at the same time! Free country? Mostly.

Some younger folks were outside, pacing around, one guy tearing up a piece of paper into tiny pieces. In retrospect, they were probably on e or some shit sold to them as e, but I didn't really care. I was on beer number eight, a few shots in, took a valium, I was just feeling good. Lyin' back in my chair, looking at the stars, good time. I still had forty bucks in my pocket, plus change, beer in my hand, a few hours before last call, and not far to walk home.

Ok, whoa, I just almost puked. I coughed right hard, I guess I smoked too many cigs yesterday. I coughed right into the toilet, it kinda echoed, I hope I didn't wake anyone up. But I coughed so hard that my lips went numb. My whole face is still tingling a bit. Maybe I need to smarten the fuck up. I want to blame my uncle, because he can be hard to spend time with, so I tend to use more drugs when he's around, which is all the fucking time lately. But I know it's not his fault, I should just tell him to shut up and "leeme lone ferabit". Deja vu. I already typed this out, was it here, or in a msg to a friend? Either way, still on my mind, goes in the blog.

So I drank a few more beer, maybe had one more shot of tequila, and basically sat at the video lottery terminal the rest of the night. I played double bonus, trying for free-spins, I maybe cashed out once at 10 bucks, but put probably twenty or thirty bucks in change in. In the morning, when you do the math, gambling is stupid. Unless, that is, you wake up with a full-ass wallet, but that almost never happens.

So, I gather that I made my way home, and judging from the vomit, I ate some ice cream then puked in the basement. Right in front of the couch. My brother was probably there too, neither of us saw a need to clean up the puke last night apparently. Not too much trouble this morning, but there was a bit on the couch, that's soaked in now, it'll probably have a slight odour for a week or so. Good time to buy some febreeze. Although, too me, that almost smells like puke. I guess I've used it too many times to try and cover that smell, now the two are associated.

I best add a don't read while eating disclaimer, as this post has taken a vomitous turn.

So, I woke up this morning, my light was on in my bedroom, but I could hardly tell as the sun was shining very brightly. I noticed I had placed a garbage can next to my bed, I should have clued in then that there might be puke around, but I just did a quick check in the room, the garbage looked clean, so I figured I hadn't been sick. This calls for a wake and bake. Putted around between my room the kitchen and the bathroom for a few minutes. I let the dog out.

I made my way to the basement to inspect the scene. Lights were off, stuff looked basically ok. Turned on the lights, oh, there's a pizza on the floor in front of the couch. I best get to that. Grabbed some paper-towels, cleaned it up. Changed the garbage bag I disposed of the paper towel in, no one likes that smell hangin' around.

Then I got dressed, and went outside to play with the dog for a bit. Initially I went out to see if I puked in the driveway or anything, but the dog was feeling quite energetic and was happy to see me, so I obliged her and through the ball a few times for her. I stayed outside for quite a while really, as I didn't want to wake anyone up, and with my uncle and brother visiting, we've got a sleeper on the couch upstairs, which is the main TV viewing area.

I saw my neighbour outside while I was playing with the dog. She's a year older than me, has a kid now, just recently actually. Made me think again about being a fucking monkey and that I suppose davinci and einstein must have felt the same way. Trapped? I didn't say anything, as I have long hair and a crazy-man beard, so sometimes people react unfavourably to my approach. At least, that's what I told myself. Actually, I thought something like, am I wasting my life? Am I kidding myself? Should I just get drunk more, get a shitty job but with more money, and get to making babies? That doesn't sound right for me.

Ok, now my uncle's awake, I'm going to get filled in on my return last night. I'm starting to get a bad feeling. Maybe gooooooooood morning might have been a tad too optimistic. Technically, it is now afternoon. Wish me luck. \m/