Stream of thought

I feel like my brain is half turned off with her. Like I just have this inarticulate pull to her now. I don't even have much to say it seems. Like, I don't want to talk too much and fuck things up.

I've already doubled my sexual experience points. I think if life were a game, I'd have leveled up. Mind you, I had few points, which is why I was able to so quickly double them.

She was nervous for a while. I asked if it was my shoes(size 13). She said what? I said, you know, what they say about guys with big feet, that's not true eh, it's just regular sized. She laughed, and said that wasn't why she was nervous, but it made her feel better anyway.

I find my every word scrutinized with her. And she certainly does not like it when I draw any similarities between her and my dog. Yeah I know, I immediately regretted it both times.

She's not to keen on a certain Colombian export, and whenever I bring it up in passing, she seems a little uncomfortable. I will try to curb this. She was talking with her friend while we were driving around, and she said she really wants to do some shrooms. This freaked me out, because she knows I am prone to bad-tripping. I don't know if she wants me to trip with her or not. I'm afraid that if we tripped and I freaked out, then I'd feel weird around her forever. It's happened with other people I knew longer than I've known her. Still feel uncomfortable around them.

She also talks about her friends and ex boyfriends. Sometimes the stuff she says scares me. Like this friend of hers, she said this one time, well, basically "One more beer, and he woulda raped me". I was like fuck, you need to choose some better friends. She was talking about this other guy that was like her bully, and like, she still hung out with him fairly regularly. I got flashes of her with him spending a lot of time alone.

I saw her grad picture at her parents house. I think one of my old friends may have dated her in high school. I didn't know her then, but I recognized the picture. This freaked me out too, as that friend is kind of a horn dog prone to misconduct. Fuck I feel sick just thinking about it.

I'm like, I know, you're not perfect Marc. But I certainly have a short list of sexual encounters, with none of her friends on it. Let it go. I think just typing it out might help ease my mind.

But she hangs out with a lot of guys. Some of them are shady characters. If anything ever happened to her, I'd feel so bad. I'm scared that she's putting herself at risk now more than I'm worried about her past. I don't want her to be as cynical as I can be, but a little healthy paranoia can save your life.

Oops, ok, maybe I made out with one of her friends a few years ago. But that was as far as it got. Well, I feel better now. Kinda articulated my thoughts a bit. Have a good one folks, I know I will,
-Marc