thinking in circles

I can see myself easily falling into a routine.
Wakeup eat breakfast shower shave brush floss.
Go for a run read the paper have a coffee do the crossword.
Work from home log a few hours.
Coffee on breaks, friendly sunshine chit-chat.

I take a walk before supper, resupply, buy some food,
booze, smokes, or drugs. Go to the library, rent a movie.
Come home, make supper, relax for a bit. Watch tv.

Do dishes, tidy up, maybe do laundry.
Work more if feeling productive.
Then, consume substances, watch movie, or read.
Listen to music, write, draw, play video games.
Surf the net, watch old cartoons, cook crazy snacks.

Yawn, sleep bed, repeat.
Occasional resupply of clothing or cooking materials.
Cleaning products, new shoes, new mop, new towels,
new bedding.

Over time, upgrade furniture and appliances. HDTV.
Plasma screen. Exercise machine. Bigger apartement.
Keep up with cell phones and computers. Fancy deep frier.

Then what? Get a car, work more, bigger place, work more.
Fun hobbies, expensive, work more. Investment, more stress,
more substances, more money, more work.

So, wanting to be left to my own devices may prove unwise.
I may while away my time here, gathering anecdotes for
occasional encounters with old friends and interesting strangers.

But hearing it like that, doesn't actually sound too bad.
Just that something's missing, as though I'd be waiting for something.
Or someone.

Job upgrades could cover potential dependents i suppose.
But the stress of changing jobs, looking for work. Wondering how
long I'll last. How long until I slip up or this place just gets to me.

I want to be able to be alone, but I also want to be able to consult with
others to share ideas and to stay in touch with reality. I want to be alone
so I can think and concentrate on matters which may be trivial or frightening.

I'm probably full of shit. I dunno, maybe I just want some friends I trust.
Maybe I want to...

"..See I've lost my way..."
-Cicatriz ESP

ESP indeed.

I don't know what I want. I want to though.

Maybe I want some interesting problems to deal with.
Like time, and space.

Lofty aspirations.

I'd like to not have to work.
Not login and dial a few hours.
I'd rather work on a project.
Complete it, submit it, and tour around showcasing it.
Then enjoy a period of financial security.
And repeat.

Sounds simple enough.
Can't do it.

Both? Neither?

I'll live long and die young.
I'll work hard and hardly work.

Cryptic ramblings of no practical value.
True or not.

Reality unwound.

wait it's 08

too much trying for my attention
perhaps to save me from myself
don't think too hard of trapping thoughts

if everything has it's place,
what if evil's place is on top?
what if evil needs to exist or everything will stop
what if good is made never to win?
and it must be so for the world to spin.

maybe evil's not won,
it's an ebb and flow
hard work and fun

evil and good,
probably words
but did we make them up, or name them?

Brain Vomit

what is my deal anyway?
I can't figure out if I want to be an unknown hermit or a famous, i dunno, something.
Do i need recognition?
I don't know anyone else quite like me.
I'm a paranoid drug addict
I feel wasted(not in the fun way, like unused or misspent)
I worry that my health deteriorates
There is a good chance i will die with unfinished business
I guess knowing that helps

I'm pissed off about half the time, the other half I'm depressed(Fear and Loathing?)
I wish i knew more clearly what i want from life

If I ever get rich, I'm going to hire a personal dental hygienist to floss me every day
I'd like a house someday, with a yard
Or at least a car big enough to sleep in
Fuck it

You see, that gets me
Money IS the root of all evil
It has me chasing a bunch of shit I don't need.
"The things you own end up owning you"
to quote a friend of mine

I feel like I never really say what I'm thinking
Maybe when I'm drunk and on serious uppers
Even then, I open my mouth to speak, but my feet immediately take residence in my mouth
Which leads to avoiding people

I don't remember ever getting laid

there I said it, fuck

Now, I'm getting older, expectations are getting higher,
And I'm still stuck in middle school
Sexually anyway

So, I avoid potentially embarrassing situations
Unless I'm drunk, then I hit on my friend's girlfriend
which makes me hate myself a little
I guess I'm not really that good of a friend

I hate my job
I hate my life
I hate what I have become
I hate myself for not becoming what i could have

and it's "na-na-na-na-na-na-na nooooooooo- body's fault but mine"

How did I end up so different?
I started out in the usual way
I did the usual things
I guess I'm only fooling myself
I am the nerd, through and through

Everyone I see looks unhappy to me
I wish i could help them, but I can't even make myself happy

I don't need unlimited resources
I don't need a car
I don't need video games, CDs, DVDs, my guitars or my laptop
I don't need coffee, cigarettes, booze, weed, pills or powders
I don't need a degree
I don't need a house
I don't need fame and distinction

I need food, water, and air
That's it, that's all
Everything else is gravy

I should purge myself of my possessions
Give away or sell my stuff
Hit the road with a backpack full of clothes, and see where the wind carries me
It's just so cold

fuckit, maybe i should go see a doctor and get a script for Valium or something
just chill the fuck out and go with the flow
keep working, pay down the credit line
and then....
fuck, that's no good either

exist to continue existing
circular logic if ever there was

"I want something good to die for, to make it beautiful to live"
-QotSA "Go With the Flow"

Is that so much to ask?
Perhaps I already have/know things worth dying for,
and I'm just so shit-scared to get burned by Big Brother, the Illuminati, or God
that I let it fade

Is the search for meaning a meaning in itself?

Maybe the belief that a higher meaning exists is bad
It would certainly taint the everyday joys, rendering them meaningless in the 'Big Picture'
Is there even a Big Picture, or just an infinite amount of small pictures with no consensus reality?

This is why I never say what's really on my mind
These questions have no easy answers
So, I'll go about my day, keeping my head down and my mouth shut as much as possible
Only occasionally surfacing to rant and rave
But I grow weary of this foolish dance