Lately I've been just trying to get away.
To hide my face from view.
Be alone with my troubled self.
I don't know if I worry too much about others,
Or if I focus too much on myself.
I know I'm often anxious, uneasy, or uncomfortable.
I also know I'm often high, stoned, or otherwise intoxicated.
But which came first?
Sometimes, it's hard to remember.
And
that, came
after I started getting high.
At least, it seems that way.
Maybe state-dependent memories, being harder to access from different states than their encoding, make it seem as though my memory is spottier than it is. When in actuality, I have more memories than I can access at any given time. No obvious logical errors thus-far.
But what of the edginess and frustration as of late?
Strictly sexual frustration manifested as hostility?
Too simple me thinks.
Could it be, that I am getting older, and am now concerned about my future?
Being that my current employment is more-or-less source of income until I get my shit together. But what exactly
is getting my shit together? Just making a choice? It seems almost absurd to believe in free-will at times, as some people's lives seem so preordained. But it seems I really do in fact, have a choice as to what career path I can pursue. With ideas like
right and
wrong,
good and
bad, assimilated into the psyche from such a young age, how can I see careers as anything but right and wrong? My choices as anything but good or bad? How many wrong choices can I make? What if I never find the right thing for me?
What if I'm not meant to make it?
What if I'm destined to fail at whatever I do?
Fuck it. That's bullshit. Either way, might as well try something, if it doesn't work out, try something else. Probably the worst that could happen is a bunch of people think your an idiot or an ass or something, people who otherwise wouldn't know you at all.
...To interrupt myself, what if a bunch of people wishing me ill-will had a real-life effect on my general well-being? Back to you left.
Probably not, sounds like magical thinking to me. So, the choice is stay unknown, unfulfilled, but nobody knows what a loser you are. Or, try to do something with your life, face criticism and judgement, do with it what you will, and either succeed or fail financially and socially, probably both would be the same. I know when I'm broke, I'm not particularly social. So, either succeed, or end up back where you are. It seems so obvious to go do something. But then, you have to choose what you want to do. Do I want to write? Write what; journalism, novels, music, movies et cetera. Or do I want to get into the sciences; research or applied; chemistry, physics, or biology, government or corporate, et cetera. What school should I go to? How will I pay for it?
So many choices, and the problem is, a lot of them sound good. I'd like to get my hands into all of that stuff, and more. If I'll be very lucky to live to be 100 years old, how can I expect to fit all that stuff in? Although, come to think of it, I sort of do now, but I have no letters to write after my name, and accordingly, a low-paying job. Not that I want to be rich necessarily, but it would be nice to be financially independent. I think I want more time and space to study and research and experiment, with all sorts of things. Botany, pharmacology, music...
...blah blah blah...
...Yeah, I just want to read and watch and do what I want, which should remain within reason, (nothing too illegal). I suppose some consults and company now and again...
...the problem is probably focusing too much on me, obviously. I think and worry too much about the consequences of my actions until I just get overloaded and crash, or freaked-right-out or something. My brain won't stop picking me apart. See? Even now.
Perhaps I should consult a professional. Problem with that is, that professionals are still human and capable of errors. Errors of judgement, flaws of character, bad habits, hard to find someone to trust as wiser than oneself. No trust, no confidence. Lots of fear though, and perhaps that's enough. If I can direct my fear, I should logically be able to direct my focus. Make myself afraid of stagnation to push myself forward. Make myself afraid of falling behind to push myself to get ahead. Fear as a tool, within myself. This I will consider, the insight of the night. Fight the media induced fear with productive fear. Fighting fear with fear. That could work, or I could shit my pants.
Remember; the worst times make the most interesting stories. The conflict, the struggle, that's the story. That's the plot.
"Life's journey, not a destination"
-Steve Tyler
Labels: fear as a tool, left, right, stream of thought, thoughts, wrong
