Sick Day

Called in sick. It's good when the almost don't recognize your voice when you call. Quite congested. I'm supposed to take the train tomorrow morning. Feeling ill though, is it a good idea? I'd still like to go, but I could be contagious. Hopefully, it will pass quickly. I'm supposed to call her later, see what she thinks I guess. My shift for Friday was cancelled, today even, plenty of notice. I can stay until Sunday without missing any work.

My friend stopped by. We watched some Pure Pwnage. Good show. Another Canadian Internet comedy hit. He's supposed to head that way in the near future. I could probably catch a ride down with him. Especially if he heads down on Thursday, which would give me another day to lay around and try to get better. I'd probably want to be down there with my lady friend, but it might be the smart move to wait a day.



Doesn't maximize my time with her, but I don't know, I feel like my judgement is compromised somehow. Like I'm missing something. I'm so focused on getting to Moncton, I haven't thought of what comes next. New year and all, maybe I should give that some thought.



Still though, is it my health? Am I not seeing a decline in my health? Things sort of seem too good, knock on wood, to last. Maybe that's it, and I'm looking for what's going to go wrong next. They say you often find what you're looking for, so perhaps I should be looking for a positive outcome. Sounds like 'magical thinking', not really a safe way to exist, in my opinion. Too many dangerous possibilities.

It's almost midnight now, started this post early this morning, added to it later, and am finishing it up now. I arranged a drive down with my friend for tomorrow. I have the option of going to see a concert tomorrow night while my lady-friend/hostess is at work. 7-7, kinda shitty, but then she's off for four days or so. I am definitely nervous about the trip. I've never spent the weekend with a girl like this. Although, the last time we hung out, I stayed with her two nights in a row.

It's back to the good nervousness. The "I'm going, let's see what happens!" instead of the "Will I go? What's going to happen? Am I making a mistake?" variety. I'm pretty up-and-down lately. It could be the sickness. Could be, but I doubt it.

I had an idea today, about a story where the penguin population has exploded due to global warming. This leads to a threatening amount of penguins, and the toppling of human civilization. Perhaps known amongst the survivors as 'the great penguin war' or 'great penguin defeat'. I imagine it looking somewhat similar to the simpsons episode where dolphins rise up and drive human kind into the ocean. Maybe someday, I'll flesh out the details.

Happy New Year cosmos. May random find you well.

-M

payday musings

Trying to stay out of trouble now.
Don't even look at the liquor store.
Go buy some video games, that should keep you busy.
Unlikely to hold my interest though, aren't they.

Should I drink a lot?
Am I fighting on the wrong side here?

Humankind has historically used alcohol. Over the years, would it not stand to reason that certain individuals might evolve a specialization related to alcohol? Perhaps, their own body down-regulates the dopamine levels in anticipation of alcohol's inclusion in the system. Perhaps for these individuals, sobriety is akin to starvation.

Perhaps just the opposite. Perhaps the use of alcohol overtime, adjusts the body's normal dopamine levels to the point where the body no longer requires alcohol to appear intoxicated.

Now, we extrapolate these ideas. Marijuana. Stimulants. Steroids. Antibiotics. Psychedelics. What if all of these change how we evolve? Is the human race about to branch off into different interest groups that evolve into different subspecies? Did somebody say 'Shadowrun'?

I used to think of this, perhaps in terms of a higher dimensional agreement. I imagine a spirit that represented humankind shaking hands with a spirit representing marijuana. We will continue to cultivate and protect marijuana, as long as it keeps producing those tasty cannabinoids. Over time, we are able to produce better and better strains of marijuana, while at the same time improving our own quality of life. Seems like a mutually beneficial relationship to me.

This may be a temporary development as well. Perhaps, the relationship becomes a dependence. Marijuana, extremely potent, but unable to survive in nature, as well as people, normally funny, laid back, and able to eat things that are normally unappetising, that are social cripples without a puff. Sound like anyone we know(are)? Nah, I'm like that even with a puff.

Time will tell, I imagine.

Almost Microscopic

Scrub Typhus. Chiggers. Red-Bugs. Blood-Bugs.

So I'm not crazy. Well, at least the tiny red bugs are real.
And with winter approaching, they won't be around long.
I saw one and freaked out a bit. Doing laundry now, at 1:30am.

A hurricane is coming. Might technically be here now. I don't know what the radar is showing, haven't tuned into the weather network for a bit. I used to watch a lot of the weather network. It was my get really high and space out channel. Others prefer the listings channel. I admit, it's pretty funny when you realize you've been trying to figure out what to watch for an hour and a half. You watch what you could be watching. Kinda sad too. At least the weather network has fun weather facts and some soothing muzak.

I like storms. Ice storms, wind storms, snow storms, I like all of them. Mind you, I might not enjoy cleaning up after a flood or a prolonged power outage, but I do enjoy a good thunder and lightning. It's like fireworks. One time, in the middle of winter, I was in my basement when the phone rang. I answered, and my friend said frantically "Did you see that?" on cue, the sky I could now see from the bottom the stairs lit up, and the house shook with a strange rumble. My friend explained he had just seen the same thing and immediately called me. He lived at the time about a 10 minute drive away, I'm not sure how far, maybe 20 kilometres max. This was the talk of the school yard the next day, but was quickly forgotten by most(I assume).

I'm not sure what kind of lightning occurs over such a long distance at what is obviously less than the speed of light, in the dead of winter, with no storm to speak of. I have not yet researched this online, but you can bet I will after this post. Maybe before I finish even, I'll read up and comment further.

Interesting; it seems that onions, possibly garlic, and definitely grapes and raisins and similar fruits are toxic to dogs. Bad for cats too. I read even a broth from around a roast that was cooked with a lot of onions shouldn't go to the dog, whoops. Must remember to tell the old man about that, keep our dog in good shape.

Getting tired now, nodding off a bit. Hopefully the rain is falling pleasantly to lull me to sleep. It might be tomorrow night that my lady-friend comes by for a visit. Though, in retrospect, she may have been joking about when she was coming. But I don't think so.

Thought Songs, Bad Ideas,

My thoughts fade in and out. Drifting from fiction to physics to fucking and food. No focus, like a radio station just out of range. If I listen hard, I can make out what I'm hearing, and if I know it, I can hum along. But if it's unfamiliar, it's like listening to charlie brown's teacher sing. Sometimes it sounds like one song, and I'm humming along, then all of a sudden, I can clearly hear that I'm singing the wrong song. The song I thought I knew, thought I was listening to, isn't being played. In fact, another song, one that I know and know that I dislike is playing. Like a radio, I dial away, searching for a song I can handle. A song that doesn't sound fake, like a slapped together commercial for an album that probably sucks. Not a psychotic sound like an airplane suddenly losing its wings and falling like a rock, speed metal, it really makes me anxious. Even then, time and place. Don't want to find yourself in a top 40 situation humming a psychedelic robot trip. You'll find you stand out. Doesn't mean you can't indulge in some spacey thought trains on your own time. Then again, is it better to be accommodating of others, or true to your own musical taste? I guess it's nice to be considerate. Don't blare the scariest satanic shit you have when you religious uncle comes to visit. Forcibly exposing people to songs or ideas they aren't in a state of mind to enjoy isn't a good idea. Especially if you want them to give your stuff a listen.

Sometimes, you need to jam with someone, to introduce elements of your influence to their own. Like when you can't stand their music, and the feeling is mutual, then break it down. Find common ground. Everyone likes to keep time. Ebb and flow are elements of so many things, songs included. A thought train has a flow to it, picking up momentum as pieces connect, pulling more and more in, like gravity, until you've got insight, inspiration, exhilaration, an idea or concept, firmly rooted in your mind. Ideas, like songs, fade over time if not revisited. They become more and more obscure, until all that remains with you, is the framework, the message, the beat, the chorus. If you revisit an old idea, like an old song, it may seem inviting at first, the familiar often is, but you will quickly remember why you put it away. You can pick apart songs and ideas until you find something of merit, but the time might be better spent jamming out something new. Just go from the whole of your understanding, let your mind flow. Damn earworms. Easier said than done.

(Something fun to try; syncing your thoughts with songs. Whole different show.)

Satisfaction, I can't get no. I imagine a battle of wills fought with music at the height of psychedelic delirium. That space between reality and dreams, where anything is possible, but nothing ever really happens. Because it isn't real, it has no time, no place. It is outside reality.

The station is drifting now, to a hum along song, it fades out. I'm going to turn off the radio, before another song starts. Don't listen to bad music, if you can help it, and share good music whenever you can, or at least whenever you have a receptive audience. And don't take anything you read on someone else's blog too seriously. Especially here. \m/

left, right, wrong,

Lately I've been just trying to get away.
To hide my face from view.
Be alone with my troubled self.

I don't know if I worry too much about others,
Or if I focus too much on myself.
I know I'm often anxious, uneasy, or uncomfortable.
I also know I'm often high, stoned, or otherwise intoxicated.
But which came first?
Sometimes, it's hard to remember.
And that, came after I started getting high.

At least, it seems that way.

Maybe state-dependent memories, being harder to access from different states than their encoding, make it seem as though my memory is spottier than it is. When in actuality, I have more memories than I can access at any given time. No obvious logical errors thus-far.

But what of the edginess and frustration as of late?
Strictly sexual frustration manifested as hostility?
Too simple me thinks.

Could it be, that I am getting older, and am now concerned about my future?
Being that my current employment is more-or-less source of income until I get my shit together. But what exactly is getting my shit together? Just making a choice? It seems almost absurd to believe in free-will at times, as some people's lives seem so preordained. But it seems I really do in fact, have a choice as to what career path I can pursue. With ideas like right and wrong, good and bad, assimilated into the psyche from such a young age, how can I see careers as anything but right and wrong? My choices as anything but good or bad? How many wrong choices can I make? What if I never find the right thing for me?

What if I'm not meant to make it?

What if I'm destined to fail at whatever I do?

Fuck it. That's bullshit. Either way, might as well try something, if it doesn't work out, try something else. Probably the worst that could happen is a bunch of people think your an idiot or an ass or something, people who otherwise wouldn't know you at all.

...To interrupt myself, what if a bunch of people wishing me ill-will had a real-life effect on my general well-being? Back to you left.

Probably not, sounds like magical thinking to me. So, the choice is stay unknown, unfulfilled, but nobody knows what a loser you are. Or, try to do something with your life, face criticism and judgement, do with it what you will, and either succeed or fail financially and socially, probably both would be the same. I know when I'm broke, I'm not particularly social. So, either succeed, or end up back where you are. It seems so obvious to go do something. But then, you have to choose what you want to do. Do I want to write? Write what; journalism, novels, music, movies et cetera. Or do I want to get into the sciences; research or applied; chemistry, physics, or biology, government or corporate, et cetera. What school should I go to? How will I pay for it?

So many choices, and the problem is, a lot of them sound good. I'd like to get my hands into all of that stuff, and more. If I'll be very lucky to live to be 100 years old, how can I expect to fit all that stuff in? Although, come to think of it, I sort of do now, but I have no letters to write after my name, and accordingly, a low-paying job. Not that I want to be rich necessarily, but it would be nice to be financially independent. I think I want more time and space to study and research and experiment, with all sorts of things. Botany, pharmacology, music...

...blah blah blah...

...Yeah, I just want to read and watch and do what I want, which should remain within reason, (nothing too illegal). I suppose some consults and company now and again...

...the problem is probably focusing too much on me, obviously. I think and worry too much about the consequences of my actions until I just get overloaded and crash, or freaked-right-out or something. My brain won't stop picking me apart. See? Even now.

Perhaps I should consult a professional. Problem with that is, that professionals are still human and capable of errors. Errors of judgement, flaws of character, bad habits, hard to find someone to trust as wiser than oneself. No trust, no confidence. Lots of fear though, and perhaps that's enough. If I can direct my fear, I should logically be able to direct my focus. Make myself afraid of stagnation to push myself forward. Make myself afraid of falling behind to push myself to get ahead. Fear as a tool, within myself. This I will consider, the insight of the night. Fight the media induced fear with productive fear. Fighting fear with fear. That could work, or I could shit my pants.

Remember; the worst times make the most interesting stories. The conflict, the struggle, that's the story. That's the plot.
"Life's journey, not a destination"
-Steve Tyler

Thoughts on Life

So bored I could die.
Well not really.
Thinking of the line from Go With The Flow
"I want something good to die for, to make it beautiful to live"
but of course the next line is
"I want a new mistake, losers more than hesitate"
so it's like, fuck, i have been more than hesitating.
But I do want something good to die for, at least I think so.

Maybe I'm stuck on the psychedelic thought-manifestation trip
So, what is worth dying for if it can all be recreated using thought?
Nothing, right?

Nothing is worth dying over?

But what if you can rethink yourself back into existence after you die,
then wouldn't there be no reason to try and live?

Too many paradoxes.

Maybe I just want too much.
Probably based on my drug use. Over-stimulation leaves you bored by reg-stim.

But didn't I start using drugs because i was bored?
Hard to say now. I thought hindsight was 20/20. That amuses me.