Post Burial

Am I drinking too much coffee?
Or smoking too much weed?
Am I not getting enough sleep?
Am I not eating well enough?

I've been acting pretty insecure lately, always wanting to be touched and needing reinforcement and such. I've been worrying about school too, the fact that it starts in less than a month, and I'm not ready to go yet.

I don't mean to say I'm not ready to get up early and cross town to go learn for eight hours and then cross town to get home, where I may or may not have to work for 7 hours or so. But rather, the funding finalities, and the acquiring of school supplies, and mapping out the bus route to school are what bother me now. With regard to school anyway.

I guess bother might be too strong a word. Or too negative. Beckon might be what I mean. What beckons me lately, not regarding school of course, is her. I want to turn myself into a blanket so I can wrap around her, touching her everywhere at once. I want her to want the same, to want to constantly be touching me everywhere. But, alas, this is not the case.

I feel like I must be bipolar and switching emotional directions, because I seem so easily frightened or discouraged, like any little setback will have me ready to give up and go hide. Is it because I drank a little alcohol a few days in a row? Is it the marijuana?

For the first time in a while, we have gone an entire week without running out of marijuana. We had to buy a fair amount to accomplish this, but as I had worked something like 17 days in a row, I felt I had earned the right to spend a little extra on us. No argument against was made, and bam, we had made a decision.

Oh, I forgot to mention, I've been sort of retarded lately. Sorry, I don't mean to offend, it's just, I've been acting like I have some sort of diminished mental faculties. Like, my jokes are lame, my thoughts have been almost animal in their baseness, and my actions are clumsy and irregular.

We did our thing today, and my rhythm was all off initially. We had fun, she had multiple funs. She half-offered, like in a you "You don't want me to..." sort of way. I right wanted her to. I feel so pervy for wanting her so much. It's like, that was fun, now, let's do it again, but dirtier. I just can't seem to get enough.

But really though, that's not a totally bad thing. It would be sort of disappointing if I was like "Oh no thank you madam, I've had my fill for today". I'm going to have to do some research with regard to sex-drive and emotional cycles, to see if something is wrong with me, like a vitamin deficiency or something equally simple to remedy.

My supervisor was just hassling me because I took too long on my unscheduled break. I took less than eight minutes to use the bathroom and return to my station. Not unreasonable in my opinion. But, I was told I should dock this from my next break. Only at call centres...

Stream of thought

I feel like my brain is half turned off with her. Like I just have this inarticulate pull to her now. I don't even have much to say it seems. Like, I don't want to talk too much and fuck things up.

I've already doubled my sexual experience points. I think if life were a game, I'd have leveled up. Mind you, I had few points, which is why I was able to so quickly double them.

She was nervous for a while. I asked if it was my shoes(size 13). She said what? I said, you know, what they say about guys with big feet, that's not true eh, it's just regular sized. She laughed, and said that wasn't why she was nervous, but it made her feel better anyway.

I find my every word scrutinized with her. And she certainly does not like it when I draw any similarities between her and my dog. Yeah I know, I immediately regretted it both times.

She's not to keen on a certain Colombian export, and whenever I bring it up in passing, she seems a little uncomfortable. I will try to curb this. She was talking with her friend while we were driving around, and she said she really wants to do some shrooms. This freaked me out, because she knows I am prone to bad-tripping. I don't know if she wants me to trip with her or not. I'm afraid that if we tripped and I freaked out, then I'd feel weird around her forever. It's happened with other people I knew longer than I've known her. Still feel uncomfortable around them.

She also talks about her friends and ex boyfriends. Sometimes the stuff she says scares me. Like this friend of hers, she said this one time, well, basically "One more beer, and he woulda raped me". I was like fuck, you need to choose some better friends. She was talking about this other guy that was like her bully, and like, she still hung out with him fairly regularly. I got flashes of her with him spending a lot of time alone.

I saw her grad picture at her parents house. I think one of my old friends may have dated her in high school. I didn't know her then, but I recognized the picture. This freaked me out too, as that friend is kind of a horn dog prone to misconduct. Fuck I feel sick just thinking about it.

I'm like, I know, you're not perfect Marc. But I certainly have a short list of sexual encounters, with none of her friends on it. Let it go. I think just typing it out might help ease my mind.

But she hangs out with a lot of guys. Some of them are shady characters. If anything ever happened to her, I'd feel so bad. I'm scared that she's putting herself at risk now more than I'm worried about her past. I don't want her to be as cynical as I can be, but a little healthy paranoia can save your life.

Oops, ok, maybe I made out with one of her friends a few years ago. But that was as far as it got. Well, I feel better now. Kinda articulated my thoughts a bit. Have a good one folks, I know I will,
-Marc

Bilous

I felt alright this morning. I figured I'd make it to work no troubles.
Ten minutes before my shift, I ended up puking bile.
But I made it in alright.

I was worried when I woke up. I knew I had been online, written to a friend's girlfriend.
Business as usual for me and the bottle. Nothing too offensive though, so all's well.

I had a strange dream last night. I was with a girl, a little younger than me. She was blonde and wearing a red dress. We were at my parent's house, and we kept moving from room to room because... I think I was leading her around. I wanted to be alone with her, but we kept being interrupted or I was distracted. I got the feeling she was uninterested. Eventually, after far too much relocation, we finally achieved some measure of privacy, and she promptly left.

I felt like I knew this girl, but couldn't identify her. My focus was too much on my environment, and not enough on my companion. Thus, I was inevitably left to face the environment alone.
Subtle, no? Pull your head out now.

I can almost smell the old PC Games. The sense of wonder. The new technology. The excitement. I miss the newness. Even the beauty. I remember Doom, and Dune 2, and even Commander Keen. Duke Nukem 3-D. Bio-Menace. Raptor; Call of Shadows, Solar Winds; The Escape, Monkey Island, Hugo's House of Horrors, One Must Fall 2097, MegaRace, Death Rally, Red Baron, Stellar 7, Stunts, Quest for Glory 4, Police Quest, King's Quest 5, Descent, X-Wing and TIE Fighter, Lemmings, The Incredible Machine, Prince of Persia, Jagged Alliance, XCom; Terror from the Deep, The Dig, Full Throttle, Under a Killing Moon, The Lost Vikings, Cannon Fodder, Postal, Grand Theft Auto, Ghostbusters, Warcraft, Star Craft, Civilization, Masters of Magic, Seven Cities of Gold, so many games. I've invested a lot of my time in games. Good memories. I just hope it wasn't a waste. Even table-top games, board games and card games.

I think it's almost time for a game of Risk.

Evade and avoid, don't think about that. What's health? Don't worry about the future. Maybe that's the dream's message; stop worrying about the future so much, and do something you like now. Play your games. Read your fiction. Don't worry so much. Fuck, I'm worried about whether I worry too much; that's a good indication that I do.

Dexter 3 this weekend.
I hope that Flight of the Conchords season 2 is good.
My little TV digression.

I feel like working until the sun goes down. Staying out of sight until nightfall. Earning monies lost in yesterday's absenteeism. Avoiding potentially uncomfortable conversations entirely. Wait until everyone is asleep, then emerge to wander at will. Somewhat like a vampire I'd gather, but without the coffin. But, alas, I am hungry, and must venture forth, into the light, to retrieve suitable snacks.

Pizza would be swell.

I'm too sensitive. I don't want to hear about how I'm not living up to my potential. I don't want to discuss my thoughts, for fear of ridicule. I don't want to try, in case I disappoint myself. Enough of this self-loathing bah-log-nah, this is why I drink. You can't be sensitive if you can't really feel. Then, not paralyzed by fear, I am able to speak and do things for a while, that otherwise I would not be able to will myself to say or do. Of course, I end up making mistakes and being sloppy, but at least I'm doing something. This sounds to me like an error in judgement. Flawed logic on my part. The flaw is assuming the only way to overcome fear is with alcohol, or drugs I guess, depending on the fear. I'm not sure what needs to be done, if anything, to get me to move on with life and live it and shit. But if something does need to be done, I bet it's way more work than getting drunk.