No Vember Thirtieth

I'm all nervous feeling and shaky. I don't know if it's too much caffeine, or not enough alcohol. I know, it sounds shady, but I was reading in my medical text today about how alcohol stops involuntary tremors. I went out at lunch, had a quick nip, then back to class. I was a little nervous at first, that I might let out a big beer-burp or something, but nothing happened. I didn't sweat profusely, if anything, I was less nervous than I generally am when I speak in class. Still though, a dangerous road, drinking at school. Drinking early in the day, on a regular basis, isn't generally a good idea, in my experience anyway.

So, in addition to my sweaty-shaky-vomitous-feverish good times, I've been a little jealous of Michelle's work colleagues again. I remembered though, that she loves me, and all that good stuff. I also elaborated a bit, realizing that if she did meet someone at work that she preferred over me, it would be awful of me to try and keep them apart for my own selfish gains. If I love her, and want her to be happy, I should really stop worrying about other guys. Other guys will always be around, and if she wants one, there's nothing I can do to stop her. And, if it made her happier than she is now, I wouldn't want to stop her. Well, ok, I'd want to, but I probably wouldn't. I probably couldn't might be more accurate. I'm all about italics tonight.

So yeah, I'm going to try and relax about that. It just makes me sad that she ends up spending 12 hours a day with some of these guys, and I see her an hour before work in the morning, at the most, and in the evening until one of us goes to sleep. Even then, at night, often one or both of us are stressed from our day, Michelle likes to rant, if she rants about her male coworkers a lot, I usually get sad. Of course, I'm always worried that we aren't having sex enough, but then I drink to try and relax or because my mouth hurts, or even hanging out with Michelle playing Mario Kart for shots, and I get sad, or worse. Then I feel bad, and unworthy, and I just cower and hide for a while. Needless to say; not very attractive. So yeah, I shoot myself in the foot too.

Oh, and for the record, my mouth hurts because I had a tooth pulled last weekend. Not just two days ago(it's Monday today), but the Saturday before that. A molar. Kinda got some dry-socket going on I think. Not too-too bad, but you know, I smoke, and I smoked the day I had it pulled, so it's not entirely unexpected. There I go again with shooting myself in the foot.

God I miss her, I'm going to go meet her at work soon. I'm going to try and just be cool and not try and get into her pants tonight. I'm going to try I say, because it's hard for me to not like, touch her or want to touch her when I look at her and stuff. I guess I probably freak out over touch too much, I don't know. Something isn't quite right on my end I think, probably why I can't quite figure it out; because it's my problem.

December tomorrow; the month of Christmas and my birthday, as well as the new year. Two weeks off of school too, and a trip to Bathurst featuring turkey and family, always fun. I need to pick up a bus pass tonight though, if I think about it. I wonder if I would have time to get one before I meet Michelle. But I digress. Later this week, my mom is staying with us for the night. She's visiting a friend nearby and wants to stop in on her way back and do some shopping. She's bringing me my old jacket, which is good, because the zipper broke on my new one. There's velcro to hold it closed, but no buttons, so, at best it's pretty breezy. Also my mason jars will be coming, time to resurrect Project Green Dragon perhaps? Lots to look forward to anyway.

Well that about wraps things up for now. May random find you well. Have a good one.
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Reflecting

Holy fuck I miss that girl.
She told me recently that we've already had more sex than with her last boyfriend of over two years, and we've been together since like Christmas. I feel kind of bad for the guy. Still though, I went to visit last weekend, and umm, it was a pretty big weekend.

She asked me to move in with her. It seems kind of sudden, but I want to do it none the less. I am probably going to delay it a bit, but at the same time, I'm going to bring things there and leave them to facilitate the moving process. This is all new territory for me, so, I'm pretty nervous. At the same time though, I'm really excited. This could be tremendously good.

I still would like a better job, but the company I work for from home now, is based in the same city as my girlfriend, so I could move in-house, which would make it easier to work long shifts and possibly even advance within the company if I found it to be an environment I really like.
Seems unlikely though that I would make a career out of radio and television ratings.

Just today or yesterday, someone asked me if I worked in radio. They said I had a good voice for it. I laughed, said thank you, and remarked how the pay is probably better. Really, even if I had to do shitty commercials for products I hate, it probably wouldn't be any harder than my current job. And again; with better pay. But, I have no communications degree. Still, I'll keep an eye out. Can't hurt to apply.

I think my problem with guitar is that I try too hard. I am too afraid of sounding like someone else, or not being technically impressive enough. I worry that if my music is too easy too play, it will be poorly received. But then I have a hard time playing it when I'm nervous, if it's at the edge of my abilities. Perhaps I should play more mellow music, try and relax, just let it flow.

I'm about ready to eat some magic mushrooms I think. It's been a while, and I think I will be better received, now that I'm working at getting myself together. I know, that sounds a little crazy, but I mean, come on, it's tripping, what do you expect?

I've never tripped with a girl that was like, into me and not attached, so, if I were to trip with my girlfriend, I don't really know for sure what would happen, but I think it could be really amazing. Like, I feel sort of damaged from previous trips that went a little crazy. I would like to be able to repair this damage, if possible without consulting the other parties involved in the bad trips. Is this cowardly, or selfish, or is this smart and safe? I do not rightly know. But, I do know I'd like to be able to feel comfortable in social situations again.

I worry though, that the problem isn't the bad trips I had, but the mindless chatter. The idle talk about TV shows and sports, where nothing is gained really but trivial knowledge of no practical value. Thus, when I spend time with other people, if they aren't super interesting and entertaining, I get bored and disappointed in them. Then, of course, I feel bad for being so judgmental, and I get depressed for being 'high and mighty' or pompous.

There's a quote about that. Hold on reader, I'll dig that up for you;

George Jean Nathan; "I drink to make other people interesting."

I know how you feel sometimes fella. Sometimes though, I wish I didn't.

I best wrap it up for now. May random find you well. K O R I T F W.
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