So, guess what, I'm gonna be a parent. (Part 2; )

Well,
Things are moving along quite quickly now. Since I last posted, we heard the heartbeat of our unborn child, which was pretty cool. Healthy, 160 bpm, which is normal for a fetus. Michelle was a little stressed and even had the idea that maybe she wasn't pregnant at all, but had an ovarian tumor that made her miss her period. I pointed out there was much more going on than just the lack of menstruation. So yeah, she knew herself it was a pretty silly concern, but it was still there, nonetheless.

Last weekend I bought a car. It was my first car purchase. I'm twenty five years old, so, I'm a little late in getting around to buying a car. But, I got a pretty good deal, talked the guy down eight hundred bucks, always fun. The registration was cheaper to switch than I thought too, another bonus. Then I smoked a joint with the guy that sold me the car before I dropped him off. He was quite happy about that.

So, we drove to Bathurst this weekend to try it out. The cd player broke the first day, of course, but now I have an excuse to go buy a new fancy one! With a USB input as well as aux, so we can plug in the ipod, or even just a thumbstick. Maybe some speakers too, but I'll see how the new stereo sounds first.

We did our income tax this week too, and it looks like I should be getting a pretty penny. I hope to be able to buy a new computer, as my current laptop is over four years old, and kind of on its last leg. Don't get me wrong, it works fine and all, but it's processor and hard drive and even lack of dvd-burner are becoming annoying. You know, constantly deleting things so you can download new things, and not being able to watch something on one screen and surf the web in the other is a little bit of a hassle. Not to mention the mysterious overheat shutdowns.

I finished my first Math course of the Pharmacy Tech program today. I had a 101% average going in, I hope to maintain that if possible. But, I guess it's no biggie if I end up with a two digit average instead of three. I'm such a nerd. Also at school, we're doing a major review in Medical Science, as we our doing our midterm soon, and our second lab practical exam is tomorrow. March break is next week, so, we're kind of wrapping things up and moving things along to make sure we stay on pace.

The week that we come back after March break, the national pharmacy people are coming to the school to make sure we comply with all the requirements in order to be accredited, so after we finish our course, we just write the national exam to receive "Pharmacy Technician" certification. The teacher needed some volunteers to be in the lab just as a demonstration and to answer questions afterwards. I volunteered, because hey, it's certainly in my best interest for the course to be accredited. Also I'm a fairly knowledgeable member of the class, so, (not to toot my own horn) I would be a good representative for the class. Not the only one, but one of the better ones.

8)

And lastly, I come to my latest news. I recently ordered a research chemical, one that is very similar to ritalin, but more potent. I had thought about this for a few years, but only recently got a credit card, making it much easier to order. I may look at making that into a solution or packing some gelcaps, but it apparently is fairly unstable, so I guess I'll have to do some reading. I hope I don't run into any legal problems with this. I shouldn't as it is an unregulated substance. For now anyway.

Oh! I almost forgot! We made up a batch of pot brownies! With chocolate chips on top, mmmMMMmm, yummy! About one gram per brownie, not as good as the time my neighbour made them with hash, but still pretty excellent. The really do taste good too, like you kinda want to keep eating them, even though you shouldn't.

But yeah, having a car has been a big help for us. We can go do groceries without needing cabs, we can go through the drivethru at fast-food places, and of course, we can drive around, smoke, drink coffee, and listen to music. We got a four door, we're planning ahead. Got a car with decently low mileage as well, want it to last us a bit. Been fun driving to school, no more up at 6am to catch the bus at 7:15.

We've been shopping around for apartments too, as our current dwelling is a little ghetto, and we would prefer ground floor as well, Michelle being pregnant and already having a bad knee, we don't imagine stairs will be much fun this summer when she's about ready to pop.

Michelle has come around quite a bit. She doesn't seem scared, more excited. She's looking at all kinds of decorations and toys and furniture and blankets for babies, it's quite overwhelming really. But I'm just glad she's in better spirits.

She told the doctor she was pretty depressed, and she was prescribed a low dose of a SSRI anti-depressant. I guess it's working, but some of the side effects sort of suck. A lot. Like, for instance, reduced libido. I dunno, I assume it's the pills, because I stopped drinking like two weeks ago, and the sex kinda dried up around the same time. I'm a little concerned that there might be a connection there, but I'm doubtful. Also she's been sleeping like crazy, but that wouldn't bother me as much if she wanted to have sex when she was awake. Even a handjob would be nice.

Ok, perhaps I reveal too much now. But basically, all is well. I'm just a little whiner. We've got lots on the go, and the future is bright. I hope all is well with everyone else out there in the digiverse. May random find you well. \m/

No Vember Thirtieth

I'm all nervous feeling and shaky. I don't know if it's too much caffeine, or not enough alcohol. I know, it sounds shady, but I was reading in my medical text today about how alcohol stops involuntary tremors. I went out at lunch, had a quick nip, then back to class. I was a little nervous at first, that I might let out a big beer-burp or something, but nothing happened. I didn't sweat profusely, if anything, I was less nervous than I generally am when I speak in class. Still though, a dangerous road, drinking at school. Drinking early in the day, on a regular basis, isn't generally a good idea, in my experience anyway.

So, in addition to my sweaty-shaky-vomitous-feverish good times, I've been a little jealous of Michelle's work colleagues again. I remembered though, that she loves me, and all that good stuff. I also elaborated a bit, realizing that if she did meet someone at work that she preferred over me, it would be awful of me to try and keep them apart for my own selfish gains. If I love her, and want her to be happy, I should really stop worrying about other guys. Other guys will always be around, and if she wants one, there's nothing I can do to stop her. And, if it made her happier than she is now, I wouldn't want to stop her. Well, ok, I'd want to, but I probably wouldn't. I probably couldn't might be more accurate. I'm all about italics tonight.

So yeah, I'm going to try and relax about that. It just makes me sad that she ends up spending 12 hours a day with some of these guys, and I see her an hour before work in the morning, at the most, and in the evening until one of us goes to sleep. Even then, at night, often one or both of us are stressed from our day, Michelle likes to rant, if she rants about her male coworkers a lot, I usually get sad. Of course, I'm always worried that we aren't having sex enough, but then I drink to try and relax or because my mouth hurts, or even hanging out with Michelle playing Mario Kart for shots, and I get sad, or worse. Then I feel bad, and unworthy, and I just cower and hide for a while. Needless to say; not very attractive. So yeah, I shoot myself in the foot too.

Oh, and for the record, my mouth hurts because I had a tooth pulled last weekend. Not just two days ago(it's Monday today), but the Saturday before that. A molar. Kinda got some dry-socket going on I think. Not too-too bad, but you know, I smoke, and I smoked the day I had it pulled, so it's not entirely unexpected. There I go again with shooting myself in the foot.

God I miss her, I'm going to go meet her at work soon. I'm going to try and just be cool and not try and get into her pants tonight. I'm going to try I say, because it's hard for me to not like, touch her or want to touch her when I look at her and stuff. I guess I probably freak out over touch too much, I don't know. Something isn't quite right on my end I think, probably why I can't quite figure it out; because it's my problem.

December tomorrow; the month of Christmas and my birthday, as well as the new year. Two weeks off of school too, and a trip to Bathurst featuring turkey and family, always fun. I need to pick up a bus pass tonight though, if I think about it. I wonder if I would have time to get one before I meet Michelle. But I digress. Later this week, my mom is staying with us for the night. She's visiting a friend nearby and wants to stop in on her way back and do some shopping. She's bringing me my old jacket, which is good, because the zipper broke on my new one. There's velcro to hold it closed, but no buttons, so, at best it's pretty breezy. Also my mason jars will be coming, time to resurrect Project Green Dragon perhaps? Lots to look forward to anyway.

Well that about wraps things up for now. May random find you well. Have a good one.
\m/

Ranting the Day Away

I'm so horny I could cry, just to get some fluids out.

I masturbated yesterday, the only reason I know I went off is that my hand got all wet. I couldn't even feel it. What happened to me?

Ok, so maybe it isn't all pent-up horniness. I haven't been sleeping all that much, and I had my first week of school which involved a lot of early, long days. I have to get the bus at 7:15 to make it to school for my 8:15 class.

This is the first time I've made regular use of a public transit system, and I must say, not too shabby. I was able to get a monthly pass at the student rate of 44$, which is much better than what I would pay at 2$ a ride. And I can pretty much get anywhere I want to go in less than an hour if I check the schedule first or I am taking a route I know. And it sure beats walking when you've got a bag or two full of stuff with you, or it's cold or raining out, or you're tired.

But yeah, so I've been learning to navigate the bus system is Moncton this past week, it isn't too difficult to figure out. But, starting last Sunday night, I developed an abscess problem at my tailbone that was quite troubling. I could hardly sit normally, and was wearing a wad of toilet paper in my underwear in anticipation of its disgusting eruption. So, as you can imagine, m first day of school, Monday morning, was a little awkward. I had to slowly lower myself into a chair and shift positions often to not be in constant pain. It was a long day, having been my first day that started so early and lasted all day, with no nap or anything! Then with the butt thing, and carrying a bag full of books, and riding the bus for an hour or so, and no weed all day, I was in a pretty bad mood.

I feel bad about that, because Michelle had made me supper, and I was tired and dirty, and I had lived on coffee and cigarettes, and didn't smoke weed yet, so I wasn't hungry. Then, I was a little upset that the apartment was pretty much dirtier than when I left, and the laundry was not done. Now, I know I sound really sexist, like, "Clean my shorts woman!", but really, it was just because she had said she would and then didn't that I was upset. That, and I knew I needed to do laundry before school tomorrow, and now would have to be doing that for a while, which means keeping my pants on and going through the building to the basement a few times. Again, it isn't that this is women's work, in fact, since we've lived here, I'm the one who has done all the laundry. She did some laundry at her parents place over Thanksgiving, but so did I at my parents place the same weekend. I don't know why I'm making a big deal here, just to say that I certainly do my fair share of laundry.

But yeah, so I was pretty ungrateful about supper Monday, and I felt bad about that. I ended up lancing and draining my butt-pimple thinger, which was probably a new record for gross pimple-poppings, at least preformed by me. It required quite a bit of cleanup afterwards anyway, and I still couldn't sit comfortably that night, but by the following morning, my ass was back in business! So, Tuesday should have been better, right? But no, now I had to deal with a leaky ass-pimple, and the toilet paper at school is like wiping your ass with a receipt. And I got home later, because school goes just a little bit too late for me to make the earlier bus. I went to the liquor store to buy some tiny airplane-sized bottles to "freshen up" up my energy drink. I stopped at a newsstand to buy a magazine for Michelle that she had been unable to find at a few stores she had checked close to home. Me either for that matter. But anyway, I got home, feeling fine, a little buzzed and bearing gifts, thinking I would be much more pleasant today. But then we started talking, I asked Michelle about her day, she told me she got up at 1pm, and then I said something like "Four hours ago!" and she got pretty angry, and told me something like "Could you let me talk for one freakin' second!", which put me in a bad mood pretty quick. Then when I started to rant and complain about my day, she told me I could quit school if I wanted to.

I was quite disheartened by this; when Michelle rants about her bad day at work, I don't tell her to quite her job. I listen, agree with what's reasonable, and...

***

Work got busy. I just came back from a break. I dropped the kids off at the pool; much more satisfying today then yesterday's "wet hand dilemma". I feel pretty foolish about getting all crazy. Now I'm more worried about my homework and that fucking essay I need to write for TSD for this Friday. I need to get in contact with people in the industry I am studying to enter and ask them about the job, and what kind of person succeeds in it, and how the job market is and that sort of thing. I mean, these are things I kind of already know, but I guess I need to speak with people already working in the industry, like five of them, as sources for this essay. But I also don't need to actually cite my sources I think, it's more of an informal essay. So, I may be able to get away with not actually conducting any research, so long as it all sounds good. I don't feel good about doing it that way though, I have a feeling it would come back to bite me in the ass.

I suppose, I could just use the appointment to sort of set things up further, get her to help me with my essay, make sure it sounds good and such. She wasn't too helpful last time I was there though, she made me feel pretty nervous about the whole thing.

***

More time has passed. My thought train has been through a few different stations, and is currently en route somewhere else. I'm trying to tie up some loose ends to finish this post neatly, but really, it wouldn't be accurate if I did clean things up all tidy. Things are still complex, with lots of positives and negatives all around, and some things whose value is unclear, that may be positive or negative, depending on one's perspective. It's exciting though; trying to determine how everything fits together, and how you fit in with everything. Working to better your position, and helping those you care about better themselves.

Also, I must mention, Christmas is coming, and it's pretty fun this year. I have some extra cash, and I think I'm doing pretty well with gift choices so far, in that the recipients should be pleased. I hope I don't go too crazy with the money, as I still have some stuff I could use, and I don't care much for asking for things. But I have a hard time making large purchases for myself. I 'lent' Michelle the money for a new camera, it's not a big deal or anything, but I kinda realized; the last time I spent that much money on myself, I bought this laptop, which was like, four years ago. I guess if I count all my expenses, some concerts and trips to Bathurst and Moncton when I lived in Bathurst were probably pretty close in price.

She'll get a lot of use out of it though, like me with the laptop, and she'll take care of it too. She's had her last camera, which is basically the analog version of the digital she picked up, for years now, and has never needed to take it in for repairs or anything. It just seems a little retarded to me, that I'm kinda sad because we don't get enough naked-time together, and I buy her gifts with my loan money. It seems like I should buy me gifts to cheer myself up. I guess I did buy a couple games and a controller for the gamecube, that was like 50$. It's not like I never get anything for myself, I just feel guilty about spending money that I guess I think of as ours on me. I don't know if I could ask her to lend me money to buy myself something, not that she would refuse, but I don't know if I could assert myself like that. I have that whole inferiority complex thing going on I guess.

I guess that's why I brought up my school stuff and what I was doing, because I don't think I'm perfect by any means. In fact, I'm not surprised Michelle hasn't been to eager to hop into be with me; I've been pretty grumpy. Who wants to sleep with that? Exactly. So, yeah, I'm kinda causing my own problems as of late. Maybe more than as of late, and maybe everyone does that, not just me. But then again, luck factors in. Or seems to anyway...

So, again, I try and end this post. I say see you in the future, and may random find you well.
Then I type in the hand thing,
\m/
..and I'm done.
Have a good one.

Ok, so maybe I spoke too soon.
I'm still pretty up and down, switching quickly between them.
Especially down, when I get down, that seems to hit me fast, like, within one breath fast.
Kinda like getting the wind knocked out of you I guess. But like, not so shuddery.

I got the urge to delete the blog again. That feeling of futility, like, why even bother.
Obviously I didn't do it if you're reading this. Unless you're that 'draft auto-saved' robot and you read this as I wrote it, but before I deleted my blog. I'm being a bit ridiculous I suppose.

I want to get drunk and touch myself, is that wrong?

I'm so all over the place. I've got to get up early tomorrow to go to Training and Skills Development Canada, so I can see about getting some government money to help with school, which starts in like literally, two weeks. I still have to apply for unemployment before I start school I believe, at least to get them to help with tuition and book costs. I suppose though, they could reimburse me.

I should take a break soon. I meant to take one now, but the calls are going good, and now I'm writing between calls, so, time is passing pretty well. If I start running out of things to say, or getting really hungry or something, or it starts getting late, then I'll take a break.

Am I sabotaging myself? Making sure I can't go to school or I fail at school? Why would I do such a thing? Hopefully, if I am trying to ruin myself, I will not succeed at it. Hopefully, I fail at ruining myself, because success would mean...

Ok, now I'm just being silly. Fooling around with words. Who likes puns? Who argues about semantics? Mememememememe!

Alright, well, it's getting close to 9, I imagine I'll be taking a break then. I don't know if I'll continue this post, as I'll likely be on a different thought train then. Might as well wrap this up, fairly concise. May random find you well.
\m/

Not much, you?

Working lots. Everyday for a week now. Put in extra hours yesterday, probably again today. As long as my shifts for the next few days aren't cut, I should be making some overtime on my next check. Which is good, because it will be coming conveniently on the first of the month. And we still have to pay our damage deposit, so yeah, it's a good time to work a lot.

I've still got to make my way to Training and Skills Development Canada, as well as Employment Insurance, in the near future. I need to see them to finalize my student loan before class starts in November. I'm a little nervous now thinking about it, as it's getting to be pretty close in the temporal sense, and I don't have all my necessary plans laid out. I haven't studied the bus route to determine how I will get to school yet. I haven't told work yet that I'll be going to school, so I'm not sure if I'll be keeping my job with reduced hours, or quitting to go to school, or if I'll get 'laid off for the season'. I haven't looked at the stuff from the school in months, I don't know if there are other things I should be doing or taking care of. I think I just basically have to arrange the money situation and buy my school supplies. I don't know where you buy lab coats or hospital scrubs really. Actually, as I recall, there is a local supplier listed with the required supplies. Also, my mom, working in a hospital lab, definitely knows where to get scrubs and lab coats. She even pointed out a scrub shop in North Tetagouche not long ago, now that I think about it. I always thought they sold like sports equipment to the local teams.

Ok, so, I might have freaked out a bit for nothing. I still have a good month and a half, and I'm planning to go to TSD this week some time. I guess EI doesn't take as long when you aren't accusing your former employer of criminal activity as well, so, that might be on the go in only two weeks. Still, I'll try and get a move on with it.

Besides that stuff, we're doing pretty good. Not spending a whole lot of quality time together, but it's good when we do. Playing Paper Mario and the Thousand Year Door again, that's fun. Michelle is playing through for the first time, I'm just doing side quests and stuff on my old save game. We're a little short on funds, as usual, but we have food for a few days yet. We bought back one of my guitars, or picked it up at the pawn shop, whatever you want to call that. It was still mine there, in the back room or whatever, not for sale. It hadn't been forfeited I guess you say. Nice to have it back anyway. Though, I haven't had a chance to play it yet with all the working. After my shift today, I don't work until 6pm tomorrow, so I'll have some time to hopefully play some guitar, and watch a movie with Michelle before work. If we don't end up playing Paper Mario all day that is.

We've got a few things to look forward to down the road. We might go see Louis CK when he comes to town this month. Depends how we're doing. Jon Lajoie got pushed back to January, which is alright, something to do then that isn't ass-cold. Going to Bathurst for a family visit at the start of next month if all goes according to plans. I don't know, I could go either way on this. I like visiting, but I don't like not being able to work, as well as spending money that could be used to buy a new tv or dvd player that Michelle has expressed an interest in acquiring. Don't get me wrong, I want them too, I just don't want to be disappointed if we don't get them maybe? Maybe I know I'd rather watch our old tv with the knobs and no remote and go visit the family and go out to do things and have a drink or eight now and then. I guess Michelle just knows better what's important. That last sentence looks like, Yoda-speak or phrased Frenchly. Oh well, *shrug*.

There are some things we didn't buy this week, laundry stuff and kitchen stuff mostly. We'll have to try and get them soon, but we're not suffering or anything. We still have clean clothes, and we can wash dishes as we need them. We're not down to our underwear eating out of cans with our hands, yet anyway. And would it be so horrible to be trapped semi-nude with one's girlfriend? I think not.

Well, things to do, calls to take, you know how it is. Have a good one, and may random find you well.
\m/

End of the Month

I'm a little nervous about the end of the month now. It looks as though we'll be evicted on the twenty-third of this month, and we only have a new place to live as of the first of next month. Obviously, that poses a problem. Not so much where will we stay, we can get a cheap hotel room for a week, but where will we keep all our stuff? We have a rather large bed, a fish tank, a cage with three ferrets, a few chairs, some tables, the usual stuff really. Too much to bring to a hotel room. Also, as I work from home over the internet, so, if we stay in a hotel room for a week, I'll have to take a week off I guess.

Not only that, we'll have to pay the first month's rent, along with the damage deposit, and this month's rent that we didn't pay yet. Plus I need to get my criminal record check for school by the twenty-eighth, and make my way out to Dieppe some time soon to meet with a Training and Skills Development Canada officer or counsellor, I don't know what they like to be called yet.

But, I have been working a lot more. Today makes five days in a row, haven't done that in a while. If I continue working everyday for the next two weeks or so, I should have a good check for the end of the month too. Michelle wants to do something, maybe go on a little weekend trip to Halifax or something around Moncton.

That gives me an idea; we had wanted to go camping when we were in Bathurst, but were too busy. Perhaps this might be a good time to go camping. It is getting late in the summer now, the campgrounds should be fairly emptied out, if we even go to one. We should be pretty well set to relax for a few days. Hell, we could maybe camp instead of getting a hotel room. Shower at a friend's place, hope for good weather, that sorta thing. Food for thought anyway.

Well, work is getting a little busier, so I best focus on that for a while. May random find you well.
\m/

It's been a little while now since I've posted anything.
Hasn't been a whole lot to report. Family stuff. Went to a baptism.

But now, I've applied for a Pharmacy Tech course this fall. I mean, I already know most of the stuff I'll be taking first semester, and I'd be happy to learn more about prescriptions and pharmacology in general, so why not eh? I'll be reading about drugs for the rest of my life anyway, I might as well get a certificate to prove it. Plus; I'll get to wear a lab coat.

Not only that, but with the student loans, bursaries, and government incentives available, I may actually get paid to go to school. I may not even need a loan if EI picks up my books and half my tuition, as they supposedly do.

What really prompted this decision though, was not all this common sense stuff I just listed but the financial difficulties we are now facing. By we I mean me and m'lady. This commercial pretty much sums it up;




We can't afford both. Not without borrowing. I shoplifted some cheese yesterday, because I did not have enough for that and a package of store-brand hot dogs. I've been collecting sugar and ketchup packets at restaurants all week, again, because we could not afford to buy sugar and ketchup. This is not fun, and not something I am proud of.



My reserve tobacco bags, that we've been hand-rolling cigarettes from when we run out of tailor-mades, are almost empty. Less than ten cigarettes worth of tobacco remain on reserve. I don't want to have to scour the ground outside of bars for cigarette butts to re-roll at home again, it's been years since I've been that poor, but, I fear it may come that time again soon.



We decided we should take turns going back to school, and being that Michelle earns significantly more than me, and thus it would be easier to live on her wage alone than mine, I will be going to school first. After that, it will be her turn, as I will be making more money, and what's more, I'll be in a secure job sector. Health Care is not going anywhere anytime soon.



Of course, I realize that this poses a potential problem; what if we were to break-up? I would certainly feel obligated to support her through school, as she had/will for me. I do not anticipate that being a problem though, as I love her like crazy, and she too seems quite fond of me.

*** 15 Hours Later ***

I stopped mid-post yesterday because Michelle came home and was sitting beside me, and I prefer to 'blog' solo. I feel like a geek, but whatever, I am, so it's all good.

I had a dream last night, I came out to the kitchen, and there were only three or four slices of bread left from a loaf that I knew had been a full loaf when I last saw it. I think I may have been sleeping, but I didn't have to get dressed, so maybe napping(in my dream I mean) is more accurate. My Uncle Harry was there, I believe with someone else, perhaps a lady, I believe they were talking politely, with the radio playing quietly, and possibly it was sunny. I was at my parent's house, I could tell from the kitchen, but it seemed odd somehow. My Uncle seemed more spry than he actually is.

In the dream, I got upset with him a bit, not because he used so much bread, but because he had used my favourite, the end piece. There was one left, and when I started whining, he offered it to me, saying something like, "I was going to use it for a hamburger bun, but you can have it if you want". I realized immediately in my dream even, what a whiner I was, and told him to use it himself.

Yesterday, I had the opportunity to try some over-the-counter natural ADD supplements, mostly Omega-3 fish oil stuff, and I must say, I am quite impressed with the results. There was one point where I was deep in thought, and I could see somewhere else, like a really vivid daydream. I was sort of hot and cold, not unlike other cognitive enhancers. I wasn't grinding my teeth or anything, I just took the recommended dosage though. I wasn't too hungry at supper-time, but after a while my appetite came back.

I was surprised at how well my memory seemed to be working. It was a little overwhelming in fact, I went to lie down for a bit to try and relax. I told m'lady at one point that it felt like part of me that had been asleep was waking up. It seems a little corny or ridiculous now, but it seemed pretty accurate at the time. I took two yesterday, and I just took one now, I'm curious to see if it still has a noticeable effect. I was quite surprised at how much my mind seemed to be racing, considering these are specifically marketed to treat children, but I suppose, my mind my have been lagging as of late. I did sort of feel like a kid again. Weird.

Overall, I'm pretty optimistic. We're going to have some troubles paying rent, and I don't know what the landlord is going to think about that, but we will deal with that as it comes up. I should probably get to applying for student loans and provincial bursaries if I'm to get any. I will look into that later, as I should be finding out today if I was accepted into the course or not. My marks shouldn't be a problem, and I think I did well in the interview, so I'm not too worried about getting accepted. Wish me luck though.

I'll be back in the future, and may random find you well.
\m/