It's always something

Well, things are pretty good in my opinion.
Money could be better, but it could always be better.
Health is pretty good.
I've got a broken tooth, but it doesn't hurt yet.
Mysterious chin/neck bump, but that hasn't gotten any worse in a long time, so no worries there. Ears are healing up alright. Nose has been a little troublesome, but probably just dry weather and seasonal allergies.

I had the year off last year allergy-wise. For the last ten years or so, I had been noticing a springtime flare-up of runny noses, itchy watery eyes, and sore throats and coughing. One time, I was driving, my eyes watered so bad, I had to pull over. So, generally, around this time of year, I would buy some sudafed or sinutab, or some other stimulant containing product to ease myself through this tough time. Last year however, I found this to be unnecessary.

Perhaps my use (at the time) of snort drugs(stimulants usually) had weakened my immune system, or given it a real threat to target, as opposed to pollen and dust. Was it my use of drugs, that lead to my easy-going allergy-season? Was it my easy season last year, that brought about this year's nose-assault?

My nose started to hurt, I figured because of the heaters and dryness. I blew a little bit of blood, usually in the morning, and once when I coughed really hard, my nose bled a little, but nothing serious. I used to get serious nose-bleeds when I was a kid, but that all stopped around the end of high school or so. Right around the time I started using nose-drugs? No, that couldn't be the case...

But anyway, my nose hurt quite a bit, and I was pretty crusted up in the mornings. But then, my nose started to run a lot, and I've been getting headaches, usually sinus oriented. So, basically, the allergies are back, and making up for lost time. My nose feels raw on the inside. Normally, the kleenex would have torn my nose up by now, but my girlfriend buys the good stuff with lotion in it. Just don't use it to wipe your eye.

But yeah, that's what I've got. My computer was down, I missed a few shifts. It was in a scary rebooting loop, it wouldn't even boot in safe mode. Anyway, we went to Bathurst for the weekend, and I got my recovery cds and XP, and I reinstalled, and presto, back in action. I didn't have to format or anything, but it was still a major hassle. I need this computer for work, and it was down for almost a week. Don't let friends check their email when they come over. Just don't.

M'lady is doing alright, a little upset with the parental units, but that's kinda the norm with them. They're not all bad or anything, I mean, they did raise my girlfriend, who I am quite fond of. But, they do seem to push her buttons sometimes. They seem to be somewhat neglectful since her sister had a child. Possibly even when she was just pregnant. But yeah, she's pretty stressed about family stuff, which makes sense.

But overall, I'm pretty happy. Stuff is going well, we often are made to wait for things, which can be hard, but it makes the things we waited for seem all that much better. I'm feeling more positive than I have for quite a while, it's definitely odd, for me anyway. I'm finding it easier to go without marijuana at times.

Well, I'm done work for the night now, and there's things that need to be done. May random find you well. K O R I T F W

Be a good robot

In a world gone mad, one must feign insanity to survive.

I'm not saying that this world has gone mad, I'm just saying if it did, be ready to act crazy.

I'm trying not to think about myself too much. Trying to be a good robot. I'm probably as well known by my numeric designations as my alphabetic. Customer number, account number, licence number, phone number, employee number, extension number, pay code, ip address et cetera. Maybe I need to go into the shop for repairs. A few of my systems have been malfunctioning, or at least functioning in a reduced capacity. But what if I did that intentionally, to down regulate my overactive thought processes, like CTRL-ALT-DELETEing my non-responsive thought-windows? It's something I've talked about before.

It sounds ridiculous I realize; why would anyone want to reduce their thoughts? Knowledge is power though, and power corrupts. I just seem to be constantly fighting myself for control of my emotions. My actions are my own, but how I feel about them is out of my control apparently. See, right now, I'm thinking about going to buy some bourbon. I know I want to, and I'll enjoy it at least for a while, but I'll feel guilty and I'll be broke well before payday if I get it. So I try not getting it. I'm still thinking about it, still wanting a drink, still unhappy, but at least I have the money I would have spent otherwise? Is that really a good reason not to go buy a bottle, fear of guilt? So I'll just stay home feeling pathetic and ashamed and weak, but I'll still have that thirty bucks. I'll be able to maintain my nicotine addiction and maybe buy myself a few coffees. I could even eat some greasy fast food. Surely all better choices.

Then why am I still thinking about the sauce?
I'm not convinced. I don't have enough money to really live comfortably, so I might as well steal a bit of comfort from a bottle until I can. Trouble is, I don't see a time when that will happen. I never finished my degree, I still have a student loan to pay off, my parents can't afford to send me to school and I can't afford it myself. I'd be looking at a mortgage-sized debt load by the time I finished. Then the fun begins; interest at the bank, job search, housing market, car insurance, life insurance, health insurance, latest fashion, techno-trends, vacation destination, time management, a rat-race life.

*sigh*

I probably over analyze things, which is why I mentioned down regulating my thoughts. Too worried about the future, not enough enjoying the now. Maybe I should cut back on the caffeine.

The liquor store is almost closed now, soon it will be too late to drink even if I want too. I should probably spend that money soon though, that way I won't be able to buy booze. If I dry out for a week or so, I should be able to avoid 'getting wet'. I don't deal with stress well, and I don't like telling people to quit bothering me. I rather make myself unappealing to be around, and hopefully they leave of their own accord. It's sad, I know. Drinking also makes it easier for me to be around others, sometimes I even enjoy myself, so that presents a difficulty. It reminds me that I was once a social animal. I used to say things like 'trust in random' and 'random will provide'. I was so optimistic. I even thought communism sounded like a good idea.

Now though, I have less faith in my fellow man. I have seen our shortcomings, and they frighten me. Our ability to overlook and deny and tolerate evil is astounding. But we do use it to define ourselves as separate from it. But if we try and understand the evil, well, sometimes we find it to be not so separate after all. So what do you do?

Politeness, diplomacy, debate, tolerate, don't rock the boat though, that's not tolerated. Try and control yourself as best you can, don't leave yourself too vulnerable or exposed. Controlled out bursts to 'blow off steam', indulging in temporary escapes. Do what I do, try to be more like a robot. You are a passive observer in your environment, occasionally called upon to contribute when you can. It is your duty to try and maintain the environment if you can. A better environment for the humans around you means there should be someone there to fix you if you break down, so it is a logical course of action as well. Occasionally your programming may be overridden and you may have to do things that do not interest you, but you are a robot, a machine used to safely navigate, maintain, and explore the environment for which you were created. That doesn't sound too bad actually.

I've been thinking of humans as analogous to computers lately. We have our hardware, our software, our peripherals, our operating systems and acquired data, the user to direct our actions, all that fun stuff. The big difference as I see it, is the Internet. Is that, like, equivalent to our world? The environment in which virtual entities exist and move about? Or is it the collective unconscious? A means of passively sharing data amongst inter-connected 'life forms' for the mutual benefit of all involved? If that is the case, it is apparently far more developed than our own collective unconscious. Perhaps we could take a lesson from our creation here, and shift to a more hive-mind oriented existence. I have no idea how this might be accomplished of course, and I hope it would be similar to the Internet in that you could disconnect at will. Our computers maintain their own hard drives despite their connection to larger servers. Is the Internet like our dreams perhaps? A pool of data who's sources may not necessarily be trustworthy, but may still nonetheless provide very valuable and useful insights for our waking life. That rings true for my simile.

Tim Leary thought computers and the Internet were the next big thing after acid, the next evolution in consciousness. That, life extension and space travel. All good things really.

There, the liquor store is closed. My thirst too, has passed. I am even pleased with what I have written, and the thoughts between the words make me hopeful for the future.

That's one thing I say a lot now; 'I'll see you in the future'. I act cynical, but obviously I believe there will be a future, and I'll be there to see it. Also, I'm a smart ass, and time seems to only go one way, and if I ever see someone again, it'll always be in the future.

So let's all be good polite robots, help the humans out, and hopefully we'll get to see some cool stuff. See you in the future. \m/