Funny, but fucked up too.

Anxious. Seeing shadows, like tracers but reflections of the actual instead of a visual echo. Intermittent. The benadryl I took? The coffees I drank earlier? I am on my third drink containing Green Dragon. The project has been a success. The product does taste strongly of the additive. A higher quality additive would likely yield an even better result. I look forward to repeating this.

I called that lady-friend of mine. We spoke for a while. It was alright. I don't think I said anything offensive or acted too weirdly. We're supposed to hang-out some around the holidays. Let's hope I don't flake out. I did talk about video games a bit, like, I said something about how I don't like the phone ringing while I'm playing video games. She made a sarcastic comment, I followed suit, we laughed. Like all is well, but don't be hooked on the machine there. Which is reasonable I suppose.

Talked about a band from our hometown, she felt the same way I did about their music without my prompting her. That was kinda cool.

Not sleeping much lately. Anxiety related, thin curtains don't help much either. Staying up too late as well. Sleep debt might be making me feel bad. Can't help.

I remember one time I stayed awake for two or three days drinking coffee and pepsi. I went for a walk the second night, and everything seemed to be shrouded in thick fog. I couldn't see the end of the street I was on the fog was so dense. Things may also have been shiny, covered in frost, but that may be a false memory. Anyway, when I came in, I asked my roommates about the fog, and they looked at me funny and asked "What fog?". I figured it was probably about time to get to sleep then.

That was a strange time in my life. After I had a particularly bad idea, I woke up in the hospital unable to speak at a normal rate. It was like I was a skipping cd almost. Like I'd have to stutter through everything I said. This lasted an hour or two. I went home to sleep as soon as I was able to.

After 6 hours of sleep or so, I woke up, glad to be alive, and back to normal(or so I thought). I could now speak at a normal rate once again, and being that it was Halloween, I headed out to the liquor store with my roommates for the start of the night's festivities.

Over the next three days. I met a homeless person, who offered me a dorito. I ate it, though I do not like doritos, as he had just told me about stabbing a guy who tried to take his sleeping spot. I also was walking trying to figure out if I was alive or dead, and what should I see? A dead fox. I think it was a fox, maybe a raccoon or something similar. Anyway, it was dead right in the middle of the sidewalk. It must have been hit by a car or something, as it looked like it had hit the sidewalk pretty hard. I remember walking, being unsure if I was in some sort of coma dream, if the hospital really just sends you on your way after a crazy possible od with no instructions or anything. Not even a 'take it easy for a few days'. And I almost walked on this dead animal. And I had to stop in my tracks for a second and kind of gape. It was like this;
"So, you think you're dead eh? Well, I'll show you dead" *cue carcass* "There, that's dead. See? You're not like that fucker now are you? Now get to living and stop peering into the void that is your blackout. Somethings are blacked out for a good reason." And so, I went on my way.

Every time I try and really figure out the details of what happened, I end up blacking out again, with another mystery to solve. It's frightening. So, I try to just accept that I am alive, as I seem to be, try not to worry about the past, as it's over, and I can't change it, but also learn from it, even if you don't remember. How do you do that you ask? Hopefully, your subconscious retained the necessary information for you to benefit from your experiences, regardless of whether or not you remember them, and is able to relay that information to you through intuition or gut feelings.

I made something up today, and my lady-friend said, well, you learn something knew everyday. I had a flash like, everything was once a thought or idea, and the person that first had the thought figured it was just and idea, just something they came up with. Not a piece of vital information that would change history. Like the first guy that suggested maybe the earth goes around the sun. Everyone had a good laugh, except for one person in the room, who was like; "That's it! Eureka!". Like in fight club, when Bob dies, and the narrator says that his name was Robert Paulson, and then the whole idea gets taken out of hand to mean something totally different than intended. Probably why Kurt Cobain killed himself. It was just too much attention. Like you can't shit profundity. If you watch anyone long enough, you will find things to scrutinize. But if you love them too much, you perhaps let these things slide, even glorify them. Like when you tell stories that make you laugh sometimes, but make you sad others. Like it's funny, but it's fucked up too. That's life I guess.

stream of thought from the loner stoner

The Devil and the Deep Blue Sea.
I heard that line in a song today, on SNL, the Killers were the musical guest.
Reminded me of 'Other Side' by Aerosmith.
With the line;

"Lovin' you has got to be,
like the devil and the deep blue sea"

In the killers song, the line comes after something about crossing over.
Cross over, to where, the other side perhaps? With the devil and the deep blue sea? I'm not sure about that jazz. But the rest of the killers song reminds me of my current mental afflictions. Spaceman is the name.

***

Modest Mouse Float On is awesome. The video is so fitting. We'll all float on alright, be the end of the line is always the same.

Dashboard "Well it woulda been coulda been worse than you would ever know". So true. Hopefully about the 'than you will ever know' part. Oh the dashboard melted but we still had the radio!

A pang of sadness. She used to like when I would sing for her, even type-singing.

I'm thinking now about the band Cake, the album Comfort Eagle, the drug LSD. We had some good times, me acid and cake. "His cigarette is burning, but he never seems to ash (ash)".

They say there is a fine line between genius and insanity. I'd say they are two sides of the same coin. There is a certain knowledge that can tear you apart in ways you may never have imagined, perhaps the inspiration for the writings on hell and the inferno. But this knowledge too, can lift you up to the height of a god. But isn't being a god hellish? The balance of knowledge and power is one side of the coin. The unrestrained use of power without knowledge and reason is the other.

Primus now.

"WEEEEEEEEEEEE, uh-EEEEE-eeeee-EEEEeuuh"

Tool now.
Not much thinking going on now. Just things like "Do I have a Valium lying around somewhere?" Took two Benadryl a few minutes ago. I feel bad, as it had been about two weeks since I had taken any. But, I also realize the one night in two weeks is better than missing probably 5 nights in 6 or 8 months. Still though, I should continue to curb my habits. I hate using sayings I don't fully understand, so I had to look up the definition of curb. That's better.

46 & 2
Such a good song.

Now the salival version of pushit, well, live slow version to be more accurate.

I was wondering today if imprecision doesn't often give rise to accidental discoveries. Serendipity I believe is the one word term. Like, "hey, that scribble kinda looks like an awesome rhino", or something similar.

The connectedness of all things weighs heavy. Guilt at the thought of stealing from another before the act, makes it difficult to even carry out. Makes you a better person though. At times, it must be dimmed. I think perhaps that's what alcohol does; brings my thoughts more to a focus on temporal matters. Put me here and now. At least for a while. I have a hard time regulating my intoxication level with alcohol. I seem to always want more. I can't even remember the last time I felt too drunk. But I guess that's a good thing. I anticipate thirst, and buy accordingly.

The benadryl is coming on now. Do I stay up and buzz harder, or sleep now while I'm drowsy? I think I'll try and sleep. Saves biting my tongue. May random find you well. \m/

Thought Songs, Bad Ideas,

My thoughts fade in and out. Drifting from fiction to physics to fucking and food. No focus, like a radio station just out of range. If I listen hard, I can make out what I'm hearing, and if I know it, I can hum along. But if it's unfamiliar, it's like listening to charlie brown's teacher sing. Sometimes it sounds like one song, and I'm humming along, then all of a sudden, I can clearly hear that I'm singing the wrong song. The song I thought I knew, thought I was listening to, isn't being played. In fact, another song, one that I know and know that I dislike is playing. Like a radio, I dial away, searching for a song I can handle. A song that doesn't sound fake, like a slapped together commercial for an album that probably sucks. Not a psychotic sound like an airplane suddenly losing its wings and falling like a rock, speed metal, it really makes me anxious. Even then, time and place. Don't want to find yourself in a top 40 situation humming a psychedelic robot trip. You'll find you stand out. Doesn't mean you can't indulge in some spacey thought trains on your own time. Then again, is it better to be accommodating of others, or true to your own musical taste? I guess it's nice to be considerate. Don't blare the scariest satanic shit you have when you religious uncle comes to visit. Forcibly exposing people to songs or ideas they aren't in a state of mind to enjoy isn't a good idea. Especially if you want them to give your stuff a listen.

Sometimes, you need to jam with someone, to introduce elements of your influence to their own. Like when you can't stand their music, and the feeling is mutual, then break it down. Find common ground. Everyone likes to keep time. Ebb and flow are elements of so many things, songs included. A thought train has a flow to it, picking up momentum as pieces connect, pulling more and more in, like gravity, until you've got insight, inspiration, exhilaration, an idea or concept, firmly rooted in your mind. Ideas, like songs, fade over time if not revisited. They become more and more obscure, until all that remains with you, is the framework, the message, the beat, the chorus. If you revisit an old idea, like an old song, it may seem inviting at first, the familiar often is, but you will quickly remember why you put it away. You can pick apart songs and ideas until you find something of merit, but the time might be better spent jamming out something new. Just go from the whole of your understanding, let your mind flow. Damn earworms. Easier said than done.

(Something fun to try; syncing your thoughts with songs. Whole different show.)

Satisfaction, I can't get no. I imagine a battle of wills fought with music at the height of psychedelic delirium. That space between reality and dreams, where anything is possible, but nothing ever really happens. Because it isn't real, it has no time, no place. It is outside reality.

The station is drifting now, to a hum along song, it fades out. I'm going to turn off the radio, before another song starts. Don't listen to bad music, if you can help it, and share good music whenever you can, or at least whenever you have a receptive audience. And don't take anything you read on someone else's blog too seriously. Especially here. \m/